Should i forget about this relationship?

[cassie_9]

I started seeing this guy two years ago. We started as really good friends, just talking to each other about everything, then it turned into a relationship. Things were perfect in the beginning, he said "he was courting me" I am not sure what that meant but he took me out to fancy dinners, to the beach, out to play pool ( I like playing pool), sleepovers at his place, introduced me to his friends, and we saw each other a lot. Sadly, I was cheating on him the whole time and he found out. Which I regret. I have personal issues which I am working on. But back then the issues were really bad. After this, he began to see me less and started being cold. It hurt but I hurt him so I take full responsibility for his cold behavior towards me. I figured it was best to break things off, since I did not want to hurt him any longer and I realized I wasn't ready for such a serious relationship. I changed my phone number as he is the clingy type. Just when I was healing, I made a facebook account and he messaged me there and sent me a friend request. I was shocked because I thought he was over me/forgot me. I wont lie, I miss him. I gave him my new number, and we started talking. He tells me he only wants to be friends but then he tells me likes me. He makes me confused and plays head games. Then he asks me out to coffee 3 times but I rejected him. It seems he is playing games now, or sending me mixed signals. Do you think this is because I cheated on him in the past and he cant trust me anymore? Does his "coming back to me" mean anything? Why does he say he wants to be "just friends" then asks me out continuously and tells me he likes me, that im so pretty, that he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else but me? Please help me. Should I move on?

Edited January 12, 2016 by cassie_9

[smackie9]

cut this poor guy loose....in reality he was just a filler, you were never emotionally invested in this guy in the first place.

[cassie_9]

I really do have feelings for him now. I just want to know if I should continue talking to him or not.

[d0nnivain]

You cheated on him. Yet here is his coming back for more. If you think you can be faithful this time & you like him, why not spend more time with him now? You grew from friendship before. I do think he may need to see honorable actions & transparency on your part before he can trust you again. I question his judgment in being willing to give you a second chance but I don't think he's playing you. That's your script. He's a straight shooter.

[cassie_9]

Im worried he will try to get revenge on me. Or just use me for sex. What do I do?

[kismetkismet]

I would move on for both your sakes. You never mention how YOU feel about him, only that he was kind to you and you mistreated him terribly. He won't ever be able to really trust you again, particularly because the cheating wasn't a one off, but a pattern of deceit and betrayal. He most likely says he only wants to be friends because you hurt him deeply, but he still has romantic feelings for you. This relationship is just asking for trouble.. he will have to relive what you did to him constantly, stressing that you are doing it again. And you will have to relive the guilt of what you did. Not a good situation for either of you. It doesn't even sound like you care very much about him, or that you feel that guilty about it really... but either way, there would likely be tension, bitterness, and a lack of trust.

[d0nnivain]

Im worried he will try to get revenge on me. Or just use me for sex. What do I do?

 

If that is what you think, then stay away from him. You don't trust him. Without trust you have no foundation.

 

 

That said, I implore you to think about the basis for this conclusion. I suspect that you think these things about him -- that he will use you or get revenge on you -- because that is what you would do. I don't think that's his script. I think he's too nice & possibly too naïve. He's coming back because he genuinely cares. You however, may be too toxic for him but neither of you can see that.

[Gaeta]

Im worried he will try to get revenge on me. Or just use me for sex. What do I do?

 

I have read your story before under another name. I cannot believe you have not moved on from this man.

 

He has nothing to offer you. He is controlling, manipulative and abusive.

 

End it.

[cassie_9]

Only because I cheated on him. Who wouldn't be?

[kismetkismet]

If you're not telling us the whole story and leaving out his manipulative behaviour, you're not going to get accurate responses. It sounds like you're fishing for reassurance and the answers that you want. We all do that to an extent, people tend to naturally frame questions in a way that encourages the response that they want. But if you're coming back under a different name, and omitting the information that prompted negative answers from people, you must be at least somewhat aware that you're not going to be getting accurate answers based on your ACTUAL situation...

 

Do yourself both a favour and move on. Put your bad behaviour in the past and don't allow him to treat you poorly based on past behaviour.. Find someone new that treats you well and has no bitterness and resentment towards you, and treat them well in return.

[smudge21]

Hmm, tricky one, but as others have said, how do YOU feel? Ignore for a moment his feelings (which you don't know) and think about you. In reality you had this guy and he sounded perfect, but you chose not to return his love and even cheated on him repeatedly. You clearly at that time didn't feel anything for him, and quite rightly he walked away. Who wouldn't in that situation. Now maybe the reason you feel a connection for him is simply that you had your ego bruised when he walked. Face it, you loved the attention he gave you (we all love that) and then it was gone. Now he's back and there's a part of you that may want that attention back, but is it anything more than a bit of ego stroking? Could you truly love this man a second time around.. you didn't the first time, so think about YOUR feelings before you take this further.

 

 

All that said, we all have to learn from mistakes so if you do decide to let him in again, then you have to remember that from his point of view, you hurt him and forced him to walk away. It probably wasn't an easy choice to make as he was clearly into you big time. I would say that he's coming back because there's still some connection there. Maybe he just remembers you were a good friend as well as someone he could love, and just simply wants that friend back... nothing more. To be fair, if he's healed then anything more would seem foreign and far too risky considering the past. I personally recall a girl who I was with who cheated on me. I walked and years later we met up. I was happy to be a friend, but could never go back to anything else even though she was trying to push it that way. I was over the love and the hurt and truly just saw her as a friend. There was no emotions and due to the past, there was never going to be. It was like there was a wall up that kept me from having feelings for her. Maybe this guy is exactly the same, so don't go in there expecting him to start doing all those nice things he did before. Those days may have long gone.

 

 

I would suggest talking to him from the beginning. Clear the air and see what both of you want and expect from this. Trust is a major part of any relationship and sadly your actions may have destroyed any chance of that, but you may at least get a friend out of this if you're happy with that. All the best.

[Gaeta]

I have read your story before under another name. I cannot believe you have not moved on from this man.

 

He has nothing to offer you. He is controlling, manipulative and abusive.

 

End it.

 

OP is a very young early 20ish something and this man is close or over 50 years old. He's also threaten her during their relationship and after.

[cassie_9]

I am 24 and he is 40. He did threaten me prior to me changing my number. He just said "you don't know who my friends are and what they are capable of doing" but I don't take that as a direct threat. I changed my number because he was clingy. Then he found me on facebook.

[smudge21]

Only just saw the posts about there being more to this story, so my information above may not apply now. If he has been abusive in any way, then ignore everything I said and move on. Cheating is bad no two ways about it, but abuse on any side is far worse. Move on. Find someone better.

[smudge21]

I am 24 and he is 40. He did threaten me prior to me changing my number. He just said "you don't know who my friends are and what they are capable of doing" but I don't take that as a direct threat. I changed my number because he was clingy. Then he found me on facebook.

 

 

???? Seriously, run, don't walk, away from this loser. My view point has totally changed on this one.

[Gaeta]

I am 24 and he is 40. He did threaten me prior to me changing my number. He just said "you don't know who my friends are and what they are capable of doing" but I don't take that as a direct threat. I changed my number because he was clingy. Then he found me on facebook.

 

THAT is an open threat that would be taken seriously by the authorities. A 40 yo man saying this is not well in his head!!! He is DANGEROUS. He is not 15 anymore to be spitting threats left and right and people don't take them seriously. If you say something like that at 40 you can get in huge trouble with the police. !!!

[Gaeta]

Cassie, wake up.

 

You want to be found in a ditch somewhere?

 

You want to end up with a beaten face and broken teeth?

 

This man is unstable and dangerous.

 

Delete your FB account and change your number again.

[d0nnivain]

I am 24 and he is 40. He did threaten me prior to me changing my number. He just said "you don't know who my friends are and what they are capable of doing" but I don't take that as a direct threat. I changed my number because he was clingy. Then he found me on facebook.

 

This solidifies my opinion that he is not out to use you or get revenge on you. He's just socially awkward which is why he's bothering with a woman who could be his daughter & being a cling-on. If he had an self respect he'd never chase you.

 

 

However, it is also further evidence that yes you should move on from this relationship because it's not healthy.

 

 

If you had to go to the extreme of changing your # to get away from him, he's bad news. Run.

[cassie_9]

You guys are right, he always tells me he thinks of himself as "ugly" then he tells me "he is ready to settle down and have kids" He used to snatch my phone out of my hand just to check who im talking to and this was only 1 or 2 months into our relationship, when we first started dating. I know he has very low self esteem. I just don't understand why he is so clingy, at first I thought it was just a sign of affection for me and I liked it. But when he found me on facebook and started begging for my new number, asking where I work now, where I live, I began wondering why. But the thing is, he is also very charming and can be very romantic.

[d0nnivain]

Cassie the more you post about him the more he sounds like a sociopath.

[cassie_9]

One time he sent me an awkward text saying "i want to do bad things to you" then sent me another text right after saying "I meant naughty, naughty things to you" which made me worried. But i shrugged it off as just a mistake text. I also told my best friend about this situation, and how he came back, she said "its not normal that he asks you to come out with him so many times, after one "no" he should respect your choice and move on" The thing is, he is so sweet with his words and knows how to convince me to go out with him. Also, I know he is very socially awkward, which, at times, made me creeped out.

[cassie_9]

Are sociopaths socially awkward?

[Gaeta]

I just don't understand why he is so clingy

 

You don't need to understand why. Just block him.

[Gaeta]

The thing is, he is so sweet with his words and knows how to convince me to go out with him. Also, I know he is very socially awkward, which, at times, made me creeped out.

 

Don't you know that serial killers are the sweetest in person?

 

Bottom line this man manipulates you and has threaten you in a very clear and serious way.

 

Block and move on.

[kismetkismet]

Some of the worst and most evil people in the world are the most charming. Partly because they are willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want, no matter how deceitful and damaging it is.