BrocasHelm Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Hi folks, so this question is about a girl I've been friends with for eight years, let's call her Tracy. Basically what happened is that we met in college, at that time I had a huge crush on her best friend and she saw me desperately try to woo her for months (of course I was young and stupid and didn't realize I was pathetically struggling in the friendzone). We got quite close as friends, but as I was interested in her best friend and she was in a relationship, nothing more happened. Then I met a girl with whom I had a relationship for six years, and during that time we both finished college, kind of lost contact, I broke up with my ex and moved 900km away, where I had a few dates and a new relationship, none of it was successful. Anyway, around October Tracy suddenly came back to me on Facebook, wondering how I've been, so we talked a bit, I told her I was coming home for a few days at the end of the month and she suggested going for drinks. So we met and had a very nice evening but only as friends (I was only there for a few days and I was interested in another girl where I live at that time). I told her I'd keep in touch with her when I came back for Christmas, so in December I texted her suggesting we go for a drink again after New Years Eve. We went for that drink last week, I offered to pick her up at her place and she gladly accepted, saying the streets are scary at night, and we went for a glass of wine in town. There we chatted, she asked a lot of questions about how I was doing these days, and she said she found my lifestyle fascinating (I travel a lot to go to gigs and events, sometimes work as a roadie for a local band and as a volunteer in festivals, so yeah I kind of live like a rock star even though I'm not in a band). And that's when there was a shift in what I first thought was a friends' night out, suddenly I saw her leaning toward me and looking at me with her big sparkling eyes and I realized I was actually quite attracted to her. We went to another bar and she said she was a bit cold on the way, so I put my arms around her shoulders and she didn't pull away. Then when the bar closed I drove her home and she asked if I wanted to come in for a drink so she could show me the bands she'd been telling me about earlier. Of course on a definite date with any other woman that would be a clear sign that something more could happen, but here it started as a friends' thing with a girl I've known for years, so I accepted but decided to play it safe. At her place she sat on the couch next to me but not too close, so I took it as another sign to play it safe. At a moment she wanted to show me some pictures so I had to move closer, and she had her feet on the couch next to my hand, so I grabbed her toes as we talked and she didn't pull away, she even thanked me for warming them up. She also teased me a lot, and I'd poke her ribs or fool around with her everytime she did. So lots of physical contact, but I'd say not to the point of going in for the kiss. Last time I tried to kiss a girl on a first date it failed and I got friendzoned, so I decided I would trust my instinct with this one and I didn't get that "go for it" feel from her, so I didn't, and we said goodbye with a peck on the cheek (which is very common among friends where I'm from). The day after I sent her a message asking how her day went (she said the night before that the day could be rough, she's got a difficult job) and suggesting we go for a game of pool the following week. She replied a few days later (she does that sometimes, she's just not a huge phone user) saying the day was quite rough as she expected and so she would keep me in touch if she was available this week. So, question is, am I seeing things or could something happen with her here? I'm not too sure, the last time I was sure a girl liked me, I thought all the signs were there, and it didn't work, so I don't want to jump to conclusions too soon here. Oh BTW, about me living 900km away, the thing is, I'm gonna move back home within the next few months and she knows that, and in the meantime I'm staying home for two months, so distance is not an issue to see her again.
Diamonds&Rust Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 first, stop saying "friend zone" and believing in that sort of thing. it's a heuristic for kids learning about attraction and/or sad men who have trouble seeing women as people. the reason that it didn't work out the last time you tried to kiss someone is simply that it didn't work out the last time you tried to kiss someone. it doesn't mean anything else. if you have feelings for someone and suspect they may feel it also, then make a move, but don't believe in any sort of strategy that guarantees that someone will have romantic feelings for you.
Author BrocasHelm Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 You seem to have the wrong impression here. Yes, there is a friendzone, I'm just not using the same definition as most men do. Friendzone is the very real situation in which a man is too chicken to ask a girl out and express attraction, so he becomes friends with the girl until he can't take it anymore and after months/years expresses his feelings in a grand confession that fails miserably. That is what I did in college. Obviously I don't do that anymore, now when I like a girl I flirt and show I'm interested, but the last time, when I tried to kiss a girl and failed, I was bummed because she had shown all the signs that she was interested (flirting, touching, inviting me to her place for dinner and a movie) and it resulted in nothing. Oh, and it's not I who said "friendzone" about this particular situation, it's my FEMALE friends when I told them about it. But I don't care, I just told her it's okay and I moved on to the next, but considering the previous failure, I'm going more carefully in reading signs. Especially since I've known her for a while, so it's harder to tell signs of interest and signs of friendliness apart. Don't mistake me for a kid, a sad man who has trouble seeing women as people, or some wannabe pick-up artist with "strategies", this is insulting. I know how to talk to women and I know I have to make a move, I'm just not sure about her interest going beyond friendliness, and that is all I'm asking about.
Diamonds&Rust Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Friendzone is the very real situation in which a man is too chicken to ask a girl out and express attraction, so he becomes friends with the girl until he can't take it anymore and after months/years expresses his feelings in a grand confession that fails miserably. another way of looking at this pattern is that women can lose interest in you if their initial attraction isn't reciprocated; it's your responsibility to be honest if a platonic friendship is unsatisfying to you. Don't mistake me for a kid, a sad man who has trouble seeing women as people, or some wannabe pick-up artist with "strategies", this is insulting. I know how to talk to women and I know I have to make a move, I'm just not sure about her interest going beyond friendliness, and that is all I'm asking about. tolerating uncertainty is hard, but you don't have much to lose by taking a risk. the longer you wait, the more likely it is that someone else will assume you're not interested.
Author BrocasHelm Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 another way of looking at this pattern is that women can lose interest in you if their initial attraction isn't reciprocated; it's your responsibility to be honest if a platonic friendship is unsatisfying to you. Yes, that's what I meant as well, if you feel you have a chance go for it instead of waiting around hoping she'll magically fall for you. I learned from that mistake a while ago, but in the case of a friend I hadn't considered as a romantic interest since I've known her and whom I just discovered I'm attracted to after years of no contact, I want to tread carefully and not make her run away by being too fast. I found that my biggest problem in dating is poor calibration, I missed a load of opportunities because I just didn't realize she was attracted or pay attention, just as I failed several times because I saw signs of interest where there weren't.
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