Juniperberries Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Should I follow my career or stay with my boyfriend of 6 months? I met my current boyfriend here in Asia. He is from the USA and I'm from the uk. We have been dating for 6 months and everything is going great. I am almost 29 whilst he is 39. He has never been married nor has kids and been in 3 relationships in the past which have lasted no more than one year. He is a great guy and I am very attracted to him, he is sensible, intelligent, gentle and financially responsible. At the start I had a lot of doubts because I'd just left a 6 year relationship and he was very different to my ex boyfriend. However he has massively grown on me and I would really miss him if we broke up. I would love to marry him and have a family together The problem is that I am seriously thinking of going back to the uk to further my education. I can't study here or the USA due to the prohibitive costs. If I don't further my education it will dampen my career progression and I may have regrets later on for not fulfilling my potential. The education would last for four years. If I go back to the uk, I would have to break up with my boyfriend. I also want a family and settle down in the next couple of years and so does he. He is 40 this year. I spoke to him about my plans and he said he had 'mixed feelings'. He knows it's good for my career if I go. I believe he is serious about me. We only dated for 3 months before he invited me back to the USA to celebrate Christmas with the whole of his family. He said he had hoped I would like the USA enough to consider moving there. However my degree isn't recognised in the USA and I would have to either change jobs or go back to university. I have no doubt that if I did go back to the uk I would still find a good boyfriend. But I am not sure what to do right now. Should I stay here with my current boyfriend or go back home? He also doesn't know where he wants to live either but he doesn't want to go to the U.K. As he doesn't like the weather and his parents want him home. Thank you !!
Toodaloo Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 No. You do not put your life on hold for a middle aged man who can't get past a year with a woman. Come home, study and while doing that you will probably meet someone, find a job and have a lovely life. 5
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 You say your course of studies is 4 years long and you want a family within 2 years: have you really thought this through? Everything in your post (especially the part where you say you have no doubt you'd find a good BF back home) points to the fact your mind is already made up. How long you've known him + his age are immaterial - the fact you're dithering is all you need to know. Sounds like you'd have more regrets by not pursuing your studies than by changing your life/job/finances away from your own family.
Author Juniperberries Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 You say your course of studies is 4 years long and you want a family within 2 years: have you really thought this through? Everything in your post (especially the part where you say you have no doubt you'd find a good BF back home) points to the fact your mind is already made up. How long you've known him + his age are immaterial - the fact you're dithering is all you need to know. Sounds like you'd have more regrets by not pursuing your studies than by changing your life/job/finances away from your own family. It's 70% made up. If I hadn't have met him I would definitely go in a flash. It's always what I wanted. However I feel like whether I should try to settle down instead of studying more? I feel like if I stayed I would be doing myself an injustice, but I also feel like asking you guys whether or not I should put my relationship first since I do want to be settled down in the next few years. Doesn't have to be two. My boyfriend is almost 40, there is 11 years between us, and still he doesn't know where he wants to live and he doesn't plan ahead further than the next couple of months, but I know him to be a good guy and I am very attracted to him.
Els Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 No, don't put your career on hold. This is a fairly new R (the honeymoon phase lasts at least 6 months), and the damage to your career would be very detrimental from the way you describe it, so it's not even a small sacrifice. I think you should go back to the UK and do what you need to do. If it was meant to be, you'd be able to manage an LDR for the duration of the study or you'd be able to come to a compromise on where to go after you've spent more time in the relationship. Otherwise, you'd meet someone local. It also really concerns me that he's trying to convince you to ditch your career entirely to move to the US to be with him if he knows your degree isn't recognized in the US. Especially when his reasons for not moving himself is that his parents want him home (wtf?? he's 39!!!!) and the WEATHER. I don't know about you, but in my view your reasons for not moving are far more legitimate than his are. 5
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 It's 70% made up. If I hadn't have met him I would definitely go in a flash. It's always what I wanted. However I feel like whether I should try to settle down instead of studying more? I feel like if I stayed I would be doing myself an injustice, but I also feel like asking you guys whether or not I should put my relationship first since I do want to be settled down in the next few years. Doesn't have to be two. My boyfriend is almost 40, there is 11 years between us, and still he doesn't know where he wants to live and he doesn't plan ahead further than the next couple of months, but I know him to be a good guy and I am very attracted to him. Are you attracted to him enough to forgo your own dreams and ambitions, though? How can you settle down with a guy who doesn't plan further than the next couple of months? You don't have to answer here btw, just something for you to think about .
still_an_Angel Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 The hopeless romantic in me would like to see you follow your family plans and go with this guy. BUT, no relationship is too ideal that everything will end like fairy tales. It is more important to get yourself educated, established and stable, if this relationship is mean to be, it will find its way. You're at the age that you need to be working on YOU, stop midway and all that you've worked for in the past year looses steam. Note Elswyth's advise, its really good. 2
hippychick3 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Absolutely go!! It's only been 6 months, and his track record with relationships is not very good. Most importantly, you need to protect yourself and insure your future. Never rely on a man for that. 2
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Absolutely go!! It's only been 6 months, and his track record with relationships is not very good. Most importantly, you need to protect yourself and insure your future. Never rely on a man for that. One of my friends moved across to New-Zealand from the UK to live with a guy she'd met 3 months previous; she's still there, 12 years and 2 kids on. Everyone told her not to do it, for pretty much the same reasons posted here, but she didn't listen because she did what she wanted to do. Doesn't look like OP is in the same state of mind at all - she should go back home to pursue her studies because that's what she wants to do. For all we know, her BF does genuinely care about her and does want her around because he does have strong feelings for her. It would be fine if it was totally reciprocated - I'm not sure it is.
hippychick3 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 One of my friends moved across to New-Zealand from the UK to live with a guy she'd met 3 months previous; she's still there, 12 years and 2 kids on. Everyone told her not to do it, for pretty much the same reasons posted here, but she didn't listen because she did what she wanted to do. Doesn't look like OP is in the same state of mind at all - she should go back home to pursue her studies because that's what she wants to do. For all we know, her BF does genuinely care about her and does want her around because he does have strong feelings for her. It would be fine if it was totally reciprocated - I'm not sure it is. I did something similar myself with someone I was with for 4 years. Gave up a fully paid for ride to graduate school (I had just gotten accepted) to move to a foreign country with my then fiancé. Stayed married for 16 years and had 3 kids. I went back to school later in order to leave my terrible marriage (don't know how your friend's marriage is...mine appeared great to everyone else) and support myself. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I can never regret having my children. But, I would advise anyone else to make a different choice than I did before marriage and kids. There are other men and opportunities.
Els Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 One of my friends moved across to New-Zealand from the UK to live with a guy she'd met 3 months previous; she's still there, 12 years and 2 kids on. Everyone told her not to do it, for pretty much the same reasons posted here, but she didn't listen because she did what she wanted to do. Doesn't look like OP is in the same state of mind at all - she should go back home to pursue her studies because that's what she wants to do. For all we know, her BF does genuinely care about her and does want her around because he does have strong feelings for her. It would be fine if it was totally reciprocated - I'm not sure it is. But if he truly has such strong feelings for her and such faith in his R, why can he not put aside his dislike for the weather(!!) and leave his parents' nest (at 39!) to go to the UK? I could understand if his reasons were: his own job, kids, etc. Weather and parents not wanting him to leave, not so much. Did your friend have to sacrifice her career entirely, the way the OP will have to? NZ and the UK share lots of similar qualifications. If the OP had nothing to lose my answer would have been different.
lilmissjava Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Careers are forever. Boyfriends are not. 2
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 But if he truly has such strong feelings for her and such faith in his R, why can he not put aside his dislike for the weather(!!) and leave his parents' nest (at 39!) to go to the UK? I could understand if his reasons were: his own job, kids, etc. Weather and parents not wanting him to leave, not so much. Did your friend have to sacrifice her career entirely, the way the OP will have to? NZ and the UK share lots of similar qualifications. If the OP had nothing to lose my answer would have been different. Well, whatever the guy's feelings and intentions, OP seems keen to go back home and pursue her studies - that, to me, is the main thing not knowing her BF's take on things. From what I remember, my friend had to retrain completely because her qualifications didn't fully match and it cost them a fortune, which put her in a massive financial strain. Still, she did it with her now husband's support. The point is OP wants to go back home - regardless of anything else, that alone is enough for her to act on it.
Els Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I was referring to the statement: For all we know, her BF does genuinely care about her and does want her around because he does have strong feelings for her.Respectfully, I disagree with this. If he genuinely cared about her, he would not try to convince her to move to him, knowing of the career predicament she would be in, when the only thing holding him back from moving to her is the weather and his parents' wishes. He isn't saying, "You do what you need to do, we'll weather the distance" or, "I'll consider moving there" or even, "I'll support you whatever your decision is." He's saying he hopes she'll move - and with the information given, that does not sound like the words of a man who truly cares. Also, another difference in your friend's situation is that NZ recognizes de facto Rs, the US does not. So if your friend's partner had sponsored her to come to NZ under a partner visa, he would be liable to support her at least temporarily, regardless of the fact that they aren't married. In the OP's case, if he disappeared on her after making all those promises, I don't think she would have any protection at all if they aren't married. And what visa would she even go there on? I agree with you that she should go back to the UK, I just think there are other, better reasons for it than just 'she isn't feeling it'.
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I was referring to the statement: Respectfully, I disagree with this. If he genuinely cared about her, he would not try to convince her to move to him, knowing of the career predicament she would be in, when the only thing holding him back from moving to her is the weather and his parents' wishes. He isn't saying, "You do what you need to do, we'll weather the distance" or, "I'll consider moving there" or even, "I'll support you whatever your decision is." He's saying he hopes she'll move - and with the information given, that does not sound like the words of a man who truly cares. Also, another difference in your friend's situation is that NZ recognizes de facto Rs, the US does not. So if your friend's partner had sponsored her to come to NZ under a partner visa, he would be liable to support her at least temporarily, regardless of the fact that they aren't married. In the OP's case, if he disappeared on her after making all those promises, I don't think she would have any protection at all if they aren't married. And what visa would she even go there on? I agree with you that she should go back to the UK, I just think there are other, better reasons for it than just 'she isn't feeling it'. Agree to disagree? I personally think her not feeling it is the best reason there is. I've seen and heard enough R issues to know that sometimes things are either over or under exaggerated to justify what is essentially a simple decision. Uk citizens have moved to the USA before, and for love too + 'when there's a will, etc...'. In any case - best of luck, OP!
central Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 The only way I'd ever recommend even thinking of staying is if the following conditions are met a) he marries you prior to the decision point of leaving for your education/career b) you have a prenuptial agreement where he guarantees you an income and the cost of resuming your education if he later cheats on you or divorces you within say, 10 years c) that if you have children with him and you later break up, you can take them to the UK or wherever to continue your studies, and not be torn or controlled over having to leave them or not; this is specified in the prenup, too 1
Author Juniperberries Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Hi guys thanks for all your input!! It kind of confirms what I feel to be wise but just feel sad to hear it too. A bit of extra info- basically I have a medical degree from the uk, had to go to uni for 6 years. Unfortunately it's not recognised in the USA so I would have to do a $160,000 2 year conversion course which is also highly competitive to get into plus exams. I want to go back to the uk to train as a specialist doctor. I don't really want to forego all that education and effort to not have a career. On top of that, my boyfriend has said he doesn't want to move back to the USA despite his parents wishes as he doesn't like to drive. He says he might want to move to Tokyo in the future. I told him there is no way I could go to Japan due to the language barrier. Anyway he hasn't said 'I love you' to me yet and neither have I so it's not like one of those intense relationships that people have. Actually at the start twice I tried to break up with him because I felt it wasn't right. I felt that he was really quiet, plus the age difference. However, I kind of persevered and now I feel that he is a good person although I know that I can mostly likely find someone better back home. Now I feel attached to him I guess due to my attraction to him and I've grown used to him and his quirks. I know more about him. With his previous relationships, his mum has tried to set him up with some girls and he met a couple along the way, but they kind of went back to their exes or he ended up in different countries. I think part of the problem is that he doesn't plan and he doesn't have much ambition either. He has lived in the U.K. Before for a few months. He just feels that the salary is going to be lower, and he doesn't like the weather. He also doesn't want a LDR. It all sounds like I should move back but a huge part of me just wants to find someone who cares for me and settle down. Maybe it's my age, I'm approaching 29, and I feel like it will get harder for me to date
hippychick3 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Hi guys thanks for all your input!! It kind of confirms what I feel to be wise but just feel sad to hear it too. A bit of extra info- basically I have a medical degree from the uk, had to go to uni for 6 years. Unfortunately it's not recognised in the USA so I would have to do a $160,000 2 year conversion course which is also highly competitive to get into plus exams. I want to go back to the uk to train as a specialist doctor. I don't really want to forego all that education and effort to not have a career. On top of that, my boyfriend has said he doesn't want to move back to the USA despite his parents wishes as he doesn't like to drive. He says he might want to move to Tokyo in the future. I told him there is no way I could go to Japan due to the language barrier. Anyway he hasn't said 'I love you' to me yet and neither have I so it's not like one of those intense relationships that people have. Actually at the start twice I tried to break up with him because I felt it wasn't right. I felt that he was really quiet, plus the age difference. However, I kind of persevered and now I feel that he is a good person although I know that I can mostly likely find someone better back home. Now I feel attached to him I guess due to my attraction to him and I've grown used to him and his quirks. I know more about him. With his previous relationships, his mum has tried to set him up with some girls and he met a couple along the way, but they kind of went back to their exes or he ended up in different countries. I think part of the problem is that he doesn't plan and he doesn't have much ambition either. He has lived in the U.K. Before for a few months. He just feels that the salary is going to be lower, and he doesn't like the weather. He also doesn't want a LDR. It all sounds like I should move back but a huge part of me just wants to find someone who cares for me and settle down. Maybe it's my age, I'm approaching 29, and I feel like it will get harder for me to date All that you said reconfirms my stance even further. This is not a man for which to give up your career and future. 29 is still young...don't settle. You will regret it later. Hold on to your ambition and hopes and dreams and know you will find a better man at a better time.
Els Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Hi guys thanks for all your input!! It kind of confirms what I feel to be wise but just feel sad to hear it too. A bit of extra info- basically I have a medical degree from the uk, had to go to uni for 6 years. Unfortunately it's not recognised in the USA so I would have to do a $160,000 2 year conversion course which is also highly competitive to get into plus exams. I want to go back to the uk to train as a specialist doctor. I don't really want to forego all that education and effort to not have a career. On top of that, my boyfriend has said he doesn't want to move back to the USA despite his parents wishes as he doesn't like to drive. He says he might want to move to Tokyo in the future. I told him there is no way I could go to Japan due to the language barrier. Anyway he hasn't said 'I love you' to me yet and neither have I so it's not like one of those intense relationships that people have. Actually at the start twice I tried to break up with him because I felt it wasn't right. I felt that he was really quiet, plus the age difference. However, I kind of persevered and now I feel that he is a good person although I know that I can mostly likely find someone better back home. Now I feel attached to him I guess due to my attraction to him and I've grown used to him and his quirks. I know more about him. With his previous relationships, his mum has tried to set him up with some girls and he met a couple along the way, but they kind of went back to their exes or he ended up in different countries. I think part of the problem is that he doesn't plan and he doesn't have much ambition either. He has lived in the U.K. Before for a few months. He just feels that the salary is going to be lower, and he doesn't like the weather. He also doesn't want a LDR. It all sounds like I should move back but a huge part of me just wants to find someone who cares for me and settle down. Maybe it's my age, I'm approaching 29, and I feel like it will get harder for me to date You are definitely right to not move for this guy. 29 is fine, lots of people meet their partner in the 30s (and 40s, 50s, etc). If biological children are really important to you and you feel pressured by the timeline, and you haven't found anyone by your mid 30s, you can still opt to have your eggs frozen. Slightly tangential, but I do have to point out that the UK is generally considered a bad place to be a doctor at the present. I have several friends who work as doctors there, and most of them are unhappy. They are overworked and underpaid, some politicians are using them as a scapegoat, they are already paid rather little compared to docs in most other countries and there was a proposal to cut their wages even further. So it might be worth considering a move if it doesn't get better, perhaps to other countries that recognize UK certifications. All the best!
angel.eyes Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 On top of that, my boyfriend has said he doesn't want to move back to the USA despite his parents wishes as he doesn't like to drive. He says he might want to move to Tokyo in the future. Yikes! The more you share about him, the worse it looks. He can't move to the UK because his parents want their 39-year old son near them in the US (oh, and the dreary weather), but he's been living somewhere in Asia for at least six months, and is next planning to move to Tokyo. Are either of these closer to his parents than the UK? I guess his filial obligation only comes into play when it suits his needs in a negotiation. He has no long-term life plans and lacks ambition or direction...doesn't even know where he wants to live (other than it can't be the UK), and you should sacrifice your career for whatever he might fancy in a few months. There are reasons he's a forty-year old man who has been unable to sustain a long-term relationship. He's littered with red flags. Don't let your fear of not meeting someone else lead to bad decision-making. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 You are definitely right to not move for this guy. 29 is fine, lots of people meet their partner in the 30s (and 40s, 50s, etc). If biological children are really important to you and you feel pressured by the timeline, and you haven't found anyone by your mid 30s, you can still opt to have your eggs frozen. Slightly tangential, but I do have to point out that the UK is generally considered a bad place to be a doctor at the present. I have several friends who work as doctors there, and most of them are unhappy. They are overworked and underpaid, some politicians are using them as a scapegoat, they are already paid rather little compared to docs in most other countries and there was a proposal to cut their wages even further. So it might be worth considering a move if it doesn't get better, perhaps to other countries that recognize UK certifications. All the best! Sadly, I'll agree on the last point. Junior drs were on strike over the unilateral changes made to their contract after they signed it and the NHS is in complete disarray (I'm also a medic, btw). Not sure where you're at in your career (NHS/ private practice) but just a heads up: a lot of our younger colleagues are actually considering emigrating.
Author Juniperberries Posted January 13, 2016 Author Posted January 13, 2016 I agree. That's why I moved to Asia too. But then i want to continue my medical education so I will consider going to the uk for a few years at least. I discussed with my boyfriend today and i told him I will be leaving. He is probably not going to follow me and I said that he really needs to plan ahead.
Redhead14 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Should I follow my career or stay with my boyfriend of 6 months? I met my current boyfriend here in Asia. He is from the USA and I'm from the uk. We have been dating for 6 months and everything is going great. I am almost 29 whilst he is 39. He has never been married nor has kids and been in 3 relationships in the past which have lasted no more than one year. He is a great guy and I am very attracted to him, he is sensible, intelligent, gentle and financially responsible. At the start I had a lot of doubts because I'd just left a 6 year relationship and he was very different to my ex boyfriend. However he has massively grown on me and I would really miss him if we broke up. I would love to marry him and have a family together The problem is that I am seriously thinking of going back to the uk to further my education. I can't study here or the USA due to the prohibitive costs. If I don't further my education it will dampen my career progression and I may have regrets later on for not fulfilling my potential. The education would last for four years. If I go back to the uk, I would have to break up with my boyfriend. I also want a family and settle down in the next couple of years and so does he. He is 40 this year. I spoke to him about my plans and he said he had 'mixed feelings'. He knows it's good for my career if I go. I believe he is serious about me. We only dated for 3 months before he invited me back to the USA to celebrate Christmas with the whole of his family. He said he had hoped I would like the USA enough to consider moving there. However my degree isn't recognised in the USA and I would have to either change jobs or go back to university. I have no doubt that if I did go back to the uk I would still find a good boyfriend. But I am not sure what to do right now. Should I stay here with my current boyfriend or go back home? He also doesn't know where he wants to live either but he doesn't want to go to the U.K. As he doesn't like the weather and his parents want him home. Thank you !! Your future, your education and career potential far outweigh a relationship that is only 6 months old. I'm sorry to say. If you had been together for a year, marriage talk happening, etc., I'd say, at least give it a ton of thought. But not in this case. 6 months is a drop in the bucket in the scheme of an entire life time. You two are not youngsters either. You both should be able to recognize and identify priorities.
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