Girlfriend obsessed with using her cheating ex husband to solve all her problems

[bender1]

Hi ive been dating a girl for about 3 months

 

A month before that she separated from her husband after it was discovered he had been sleeping with another woman multiple times 6 months earlier. She only found out because the mistress dobbed him in and released the information to wife for whatever reason.

 

So after a nine year marriage, the last 6 months my girlfriend was cooking washing devoting herself to a man who had cheated on her and she suspected it but had no proof

 

anyway once the truth was revealed she packed her bags, got the hell out of there asap and now an official divorce is on the way. she dumped the liar the cheater the destroyer of her marriage

 

anyways, the two have 2 children under 5 together, he is a loving dad and they share the custody 50/50 on quite a friendly cooperative level. which is fortunate.

 

meanwhile however in what should be a journey now for my girlfriend to exclude her ex husband from any part of her personal future, she is instead obsessed with impulsively reaching for him anytime she has a problem.

 

she claims she never really loved him anyway and is glad the betrayal occurred, but she is quite happy to welcome him into her new home to change a light bulb, fix her car, and and be amoungst her independence of him

 

this man betrayed her in the most ultimate way, he lost the privilege of having her in his life when he decided to poke his pecker into another woman, and yet here is my girlfriend openly willing to further let him into her new home to repair fix and maintain all the man jobs around her home

 

wtf!! i find this deeply disturbing. does my girlfriend have any self respect?? wouldnt most normal women would be of the mindset....... "like hell he is coming any where near my new home & my new future, he is the last guy i want helping me"

 

she now treats him like he's her super hero and when anything breaks she's like.... "quick quick ring super john we've got to get him over to fix it!!!!"

 

im doing my utmost to help her healing and to become freshly independent of this betrayed past but she invites him in with every chance she gets

 

she refuses to consider alternative solutions to fix things and its making sick that she cant find the rational to realize he has no right to her whatsoever

Edited January 12, 2016 by bender1

[mike_89]

She is a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man .

But really, she can't keep relying on a guy she is breaking up with. He isn't supposed to be around any more. As for you dating her, she clearly is not yet over him, are you sure this is a position you want to be in? Aren't you just a rebound, an empty replacement so that she doesn't have to feel lonely for now?

[basil67]

Bender, the simple answer is that she is simply more forgiving than you would be in the same situation. Just because you would cut someone off for what he did doesn't mean that everyone should do the same. This is not a matter of you being right and her being wrong - this is about you and her being different.

 

You say it's fortunate that they are friendly and cooperative in the shared custody of the kids - well, the friendly and cooperative also extends to him helping the house which his kids are living in.

 

Also, it's not your role to help her become independent - you're not her father. This is a journey she must take herself on as she becomes ready for each step.

 

If you don't like her life choices, then end the relationship. Frankly, given how upset you are about her decisions, I highly suggest you end it. Having you disapprove of her decisions and pushing your own thoughts on her can't be pleasant for either of you and you're probably better off away from it all.

[wb1988]

Sounds like she doesn't feel as betrayed as she thinks or has lead you to believe. If she was truly hurt then she'd want to keep all contact to a minimum and only remain polite and civil for the kids, and certainly rather 'fix' things herself or by any other man than ask for his help. It also sounds like she gets excited when something needs fixing just to see him.

 

Also this guy isn't good news for you either. Common man, do you really think he's helping just to be nice — try to imagine it if you were in his shoes. He's obviously hoping to somehow get back together and it sounds like he's doing pretty well. One day you will come back home and discover them boning under a newly screwed in lightbulb and you have only yourself to blame.

 

Either she stops having any dependence on him or you leave.

Edited January 12, 2016 by wb1988

[Gaeta]

I stopped reading at "a month previous to that she seperated from her ex husband"

 

Really? You start dating a woman barely out of a 9 year marriage and you don't expect problems?

 

If you want a chance in dating pick women that have been at least 2 years single.

[PegNosePete]

she now treats him like he's her super hero and when anything breaks she's like.... "quick quick ring super john we've got to get him over to fix it!!!!"

You have only been together 3 months, after she was separated 1 month? Meaning she only discovered his betrayal 4 months ago?

 

Personally I would not be accepting of this behaviour at all. It screams volumes that she is not over him at all. You've only been together 3 months. I would tell her you don't feel comfortable with her relationship with her ex, and to give me a call when the ink on the divorce is dry and things have settled.

[Sunlight72]

Well sure she's excited to have him show up and take care of her in any way.

 

She (I hope) committed to the marriage, and invested herself in her family (father & two children). She doesn't want to feel disposable to her husband. She desperately wants to be valued within that family.

 

It's only been 4 months!! They're still married!!

 

There are two kinds of decisions people make - logical and emotional. It is almost impossible to change one type with information from the other.

 

She logically knows he cheated and she shouldn't trust him.

 

She knows emotionally he is the father of her children (that will never, ever change, and he will always, always and forever come around to be part of his kids' lives. For ever, so you can forget the part about her excluding him from her life). She knows emotionally that she loved him enough to marry, and her heart wants to know he love(d)(s) her too.

 

Any chance her heart has to confirm he loves her (like him jumping up to take care of little things for her) will help her feel she is not a fool and a chump who got played. Rather, she's loved for the wonderful partner and mother she was/is, and her husband just lost sight of that for a little while.

 

She is still married. She is very hurt (that's an emotion) and wants to heal that hurt by feeling loved and valuable.

 

You have not invested in her as much as her husband has (nowhere near as much), so your presence isn't currently worth 1/10th what his presence is to her heart.

 

Her head might know this is messed up, but it's her heart that needs the healing.

 

She's still married dude, sorry.

[Sunlight72]

P.S. If you want to stick with her, realistically you can expect some degree of this behavior from her for the next 2 to 15+ years. She will still be interacting with him and making decisions about their childrens' lives regularly during that time.

 

If she does emotionally separate from him quickly, she might get more or less "past" this desire for a connection / validation from him in a couple of years. That doesn't say you will be the guy she is with whenever that occurs.

 

She's still married.

[Erik30]

You're probably a rebound. Pretty big possibility that she was still mad at him when you started to see her, and now she's letting go of that anger. Wouldn't surprise me if she goes back to him because she thinks he changed, and wants to give him and their family a second chance.

[smackie9]

Never under estimate the power of love, love is forgiveness, love is a strong bond. She still loves her husband very much, she misses him dearly, and hangs onto good memories by having him come over doing things for her....the man he used to be.

 

In no way can you have any kind of true emotionally committed relationship, to a woman that is still in love with her husband. I don't care what you think about infidelity, a lot of people do over come, and forgive. Instead of blowing everything apart, it can create even a stronger bond between a couple.

 

I agree with the other posters, you are a rebound. Yes you are helping her to heal, and eventually she will realize she isn't interested in a relationship anymore. AND there is a strong possibility she will reconcile with her husband. You need to get out while you can.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh dear...she is so not ready to be in another relationship.

 

She is still very much attached to him and I imagine still very much in denial. I wouldn't continue this relationship, OP.

[bender1]

thanks guys some terrific feedback there and lots to digest