"Friendzoned". But am I really...

[Albion]

Hello forum and I apologize in advance for the wall of text. I've asked friends about it but would also like numerous opinions on this subject matter. To start things off I'm 23 years old and until 6-7 months ago I was still in a 7 year relationship.

 

Single now and wasn't interested nor did i go looking for any other woman until I meet a friends cousin from New York this Halloween. Didn't think much of her once I saw her. Didn't even look twice. But half way through the night she seemed to take an odd interest in me. She came off as aloof and the only people she interacted with at the end of the night were myself and my friend (her cousin). We discussed several things and got to know each other a little and i genuinely started to find her interesting. I found we had a lot of the same hobbies and even our birthdays were on the same day (but two years apart), which through me for a loop. At the end of it I still felt apprehensive about delving into it any more than that so I didn't.

 

Fast forward to a month later and I meet her again during Thanksgiving. Once again she spends pretty much all her time talking to me during the night. At one part she tries to even stop me from leaving to head home. The next night we go out to eat and I take that chance to exchange contact info with her. The next day we spend half the day on the phone and literally text almost everyday for weeks.

 

Reliable transportation is somewhat of a problem for both of us so we can't see each other when we feel. I don't actually see her again until a couple weeks later at a party for my friends relative. During the night she becomes physical to the point that everyone is sure that we're a couple. And the thought doesn't bother her. I don't have much of an issue with her close contact. Added to that there were countless passing gazes and prolonged silent eye contact. The type of eye contact where your sure the lean in kiss is ensured. But I still held back. Unsure of the risk of being wrong. The time we spent was great and my thought was just when do I get to spend time with her again.

 

During the time before our next meetup we talk and text. In her texts shes usually calling me various pet names that you wouldn't normally just say to anyone. Body language is usually very close to me and usually doesn't go long without touching me in some way (tugging on shirt, tracing my hands with her fingers, etc.). She models occasionally and would send risque images from her photo-shoots. The types that you dont send just normal friends. I also find out that shes trying to have "fun" as well. Which didn't bode well with me because I'm not that type. But I rolled with it. And would also have "fun" if the opportunity presented itself. And to me that didn't seem far off. But during this time she eventually says that she sees me more as a friend and that it hasn't been too long for her to say she has romantic feelings for me. Which through me for the hardest loop.

 

I surmised this as you want to do this no strings attached. From there I started to fall back. And honestly get peeved because I had no idea "what" this was. I also didn't want to ask in fear of it blowing up in my face. Because outside of the potential romanticism, I really do enjoy her company.

 

The next time we're together is new years and once again a majority of our time is spent away from the masses. We go outside and watch fireworks privately as the ball drops and despite what she said, every single romantic cue is there. As the night goes on I eventually throw caution to the wind and lean in for a kiss while shes staring at and holding me. And I'm given a slight head turn and "What are you doing". I ask is that not ok and she replies by saying "No kissing." At this point I keep my emotions in check and save face.

 

Night goes on with our arms linked and very close embracing. She rests her head on my lap once we get back inside once she became tired. During this time all I'm thinking about is when can I get this "talk" with her and ask just what the hell this is outside of teen drama and games. I consult friends and even her cousin and he says just step away from it or confront her.

 

After much contemplation I told myself I would. But every attempt at getting to spend time with her didn't work out due to being swamped with work and other external issues. During that time I calmed down and just saw this for what it was. I told myself during this time that shes here (she may be going back to New York before years end) I'll get to know her as much as I can. Not so much in a romantic aspect but just as a person I very much enjoy being around.

 

Recently we went to a concert with friends and we embraced, spoke, and enjoyed the performance the entire time. We spoke the other day and I asked her if I've ever made her feel uncomfortable because by this time she knows I have some sort of feelings for her. She says not at all but she sees me as just a friend and hopes I didn't get the "wrong idea". Couple days later we have a discussion about relationships in the work environment and I tell her I'm a popular guy at work but I've never recuperated interest in any co worker due to lack of romantic interest in every one. Which then she replies with good, if you did I would've been jealous since you said yourself you don't feel that way towards me. I ask her why and she can't even give a solid reason and knows its weird

 

A number of other things have happened but this wall of text is already on Empire State level so I feel I should just leave it at that. Wither it be playing games, running some boy toy shenanigans on me, hard to get, or all of the above. At this point I've somewhat made peace with it not progressing past.... whatever this is. And I don't really want to have any sort of discussion with her about it either. Just going to get rid of the unnecessary and confusing physical contact with her.

 

But I'm still curious on what other bodies would have to say about this and I'd very much enjoy discussing it

[Diamonds&Rust]

Couple days later we have a discussion about relationships in the work environment and I tell her I'm a popular guy at work but I've never recuperated interest in any co worker due to lack of romantic interest in every one. Which then she replies with good, if you did I would've been jealous since you said yourself you don't feel that way towards me.

I'm confused -- you told her that you don't have romantic feelings for her?

[Albion]

No even if I haven't outright said it, she knows that I do indeed have romantic feelings for her

[deckard11]

Take it from me, I've been friendzoned by every woman I've shown interest in. You've been friendzoned. My advice, walk away and don't look back. She ain't worth it.

[Diamonds&Rust]

My guess is that at one point she wanted to hook up without strings attached, but something you said made it clear that you weren't interested in that.

[carhill]

OP, IME the best way to handle this stuff is, and I think you did exactly the honest thing, expressing how you feel by attempting to kiss her after all that interaction and embracing and whatever else went on..... is to smile, remove yourself from the situation and erase her from existence, not in a mean way but in a 'I understand that you have no romantic interest in me and I have plenty of friends' way.

 

This lady was easy. The more complex ones do the romantic and sexual stuff and still can blow you back to the friendzone, meaning they can suck you in then blow you back, at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all. You might see it coming. You might not.

 

Since you're 23 and have been with one person since your mid-teens, IMO, take these things in stride, kiss a lot of ladies and enjoy yourself. Expect a lot of this. True, you might meet your future wife tomorrow. It happens. Tip: She won't be putting you in the friendzone, or even suggesting you be 'just friends', and she'll enjoy all manner of kissing. Heh.

[Albion]

My guess is that at one point she wanted to hook up without strings attached, but something you said made it clear that you weren't interested in that.

 

I feel at one point it was this. Because she expressed interest in me first and honestly was pretty aggressive about going out of her way to spend time/talk to me. As I said in the OP she's not generally my type appearance wise and I didn't look twice at her. I only showed interest when i got to know her and that was only because she approached me first.

 

OP, IME the best way to handle this stuff is, and I think you did exactly the honest thing, expressing how you feel by attempting to kiss her after all that interaction and embracing and whatever else went on..... is to smile, remove yourself from the situation and erase her from existence, not in a mean way but in a 'I understand that you have no romantic interest in me and I have plenty of friends' way.

 

Since you're 23 and have been with one person since your mid-teens, IMO, take these things in stride, kiss a lot of ladies and enjoy yourself. Expect a lot of this. True, you might meet your future wife tomorrow. It happens. Tip: She won't be putting you in the friendzone, or even suggesting you be 'just friends', and she'll enjoy all manner of kissing. Heh.

 

Yes while I'm not new to a relationship, I'm pretty oblivious when it comes to how to actually date. Only been with one person my entire life so far and thats started when I was 16. I'm in the process of killing the flirty physical contact and talking everyday/every other day. I really grew to like this girl as the months went back. It's honestly going to be hard to quit the romantic feelings but it's all I learning experience.

[carhill]

OP, another old fart tip: If you're a 'grow to like' kinda guy and that's your ingrained style, expect that to conflict with a lot of women who are 'like me now' style. While your attraction may grow over time, they're taking those interactions which don't have clear romantic intent and placing them into the 'emotional buddy' column, presuming they make decisions on romance immediately and are passive, meaning they expect the man to make the romantic overtures. If they see you aren't, click goes the switch and you're either ejected or put on the friend column. It all depends on their style.

 

Back to my old saying...... if it don't flow, let it go.

[Albion]

OP, another old fart tip: If you're a 'grow to like' kinda guy and that's your ingrained style, expect that to conflict with a lot of women who are 'like me now' style. While your attraction may grow over time, they're taking those interactions which don't have clear romantic intent and placing them into the 'emotional buddy' column, presuming they make decisions on romance immediately and are passive, meaning they expect the man to make the romantic overtures. If they see you aren't, click goes the switch and you're either ejected or put on the friend column. It all depends on their style.

 

Back to my old saying...... if it don't flow, let it go.

 

Thanks for the advice. I feel like I'm a combination of both. I know what I like when I see it for the most part but also have to get to know them. With her I had to slowly get to know her for her to become more and more attractive to me physically and mentally

[sambolini]

OP, another old fart tip: If you're a 'grow to like' kinda guy and that's your ingrained style, expect that to conflict with a lot of women who are 'like me now' style. While your attraction may grow over time, they're taking those interactions which don't have clear romantic intent and placing them into the 'emotional buddy' column, presuming they make decisions on romance immediately and are passive, meaning they expect the man to make the romantic overtures. If they see you aren't, click goes the switch and you're either ejected or put on the friend column. It all depends on their style.

 

Back to my old saying...... if it don't flow, let it go.

 

This is very good advice, and quite insightful. I think most women tend to fall into the "like me now" style, whereas I'm like the OP; I "grow to like".

 

I enter relationships cautiously. Not going to do it quickly and without looking where I'll be landing. That may cause some women to eject me, but so be it. I'd rather be true to myself and wait for a woman who's compatible with my style than try to tailor myself to what another person wants me to be.