Still struggling after 3 months

[Januarysdove]

Hi guys,

I recently joined here to talk about my recent break up and to hopefully help me with my journey of moving on. I'm sorry if this post is a long one but I'm seeking any advice anyone may have.

 

I am a gay man who was dumped by my ex of 1 year 3 months ago. When we first met I felt an instant connection with him and quickly fell in love with him. He was everything that I had been searching for in a partner. Kind, thoughtful, respectful and deep. Things were so good in the beginning of the relationship. Text book perfect in fact. Slowly things began to change around the 7 month mark when he began becoming distant. He finally admitted that he often felt exhausted after spending time together (we only saw each other on weekends due to location) but that was because he was an introvert and needed time alone after socialising to reenergise. Things got better for a while and then a few weeks later he again became distant. He began not to show any affection towards me and became increasingly disinterested in the relationship. He broke down and told me he wasn't happy with his life and was feeling uncertain about everything. I found out he had told a friend of his that he was confused about the relationship and that I was 'the perfect partner' but he felt bored/miserable around me. I was hurt but didn't let him know that I knew. I continued being there for him and supporting him through his emotional crisis for a few more months until he finally called it quits in October last year. He told me that he just didn't feel like he could be the best person he could be within a relationship and wanted to be single again so he didn't feel so exhausted and sad all the time. He wanted to remain friends however I do not hear from him anymore unless i contact him. I have see him a few times since the breakup and he seems to be doing fine. He never mentions the relationship and is now going out all the time and partying with friends. He seems fine without me. Last time I saw him he said he hasn't been seeing anyone and definitely wasn't looking for another relationship. A few days later I found out he is on dating apps again which states that he is looking for 'dates and friends' and is also 'open to' a relationship. It just doesn't make sense. I have gone NC for two weeks now since I found this out but he has not made any contact with me at all. I have also seen that he has added a lot of random new gay men as his Facebook friend. I just don't understand. Will he regret his decision? How do I move on and give up hope? Any advice would be much appreciated

[lfaye]

Hi Januarysdove,

I’m a straight girl, but I’ve been through a breakup or two (one of which was incredibly devastating) so I hope I can offer you some hope and perspective.

 

To start, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please know that you’re not alone out there. Things like this are really painful especially when they started out so perfectly. I don’t know you, but I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

 

I don’t know your situation exactly nor do I know the man you were with, but here’s what I do know:

— It's totally normal to be struggling still. Especially if you're still aware of him and what he's doing.

— I realize this is hard to believe when you’re feeling the way you feel, but you’re going to be okay and you’re going to get through this. In fact, down the road, you’re going to be better than okay! Please try to remember that when you get to feeling rotten about this.

— His uncertainty and unhappiness have much more to do with his state of mind than with you. What he’s doing now, has everything to do with him working through his own issues. His lack of love is not a reflection of your value.

— You’re going to have to let him go to work through his stuff.

— Will he regret his decision? Possibly. The thing is, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make him regret it.

— You’ve made a good start at moving on by going no contact. But you also need to stop letting yourself check up on him. Whether it’s on social media, dating apps or whatever. I know how hard it is, but knowing what he’s up to is not worth the toll it takes on you.

 

And you know what else? You don’t have to give up hope. It’s okay to want him back and to miss him. It’s okay to feel however you feel. It’s okay to hope that he regrets losing you.

 

Just don’t leave yourself behind.

 

If you can, try not to focus on whether or not he contacts you. Just know that down the road, no matter what happens, you’re going to feel better about all of this. And you’re going to be just fine. Hang in there

[Januarysdove]

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom I know I'll be ok eventually and that the chances of him regretting his decision is very slim (if he has shown no regret after 3 months I doubt he ever will). It's just hard knowing he is moving on, dating other people and open to a relationship after telling me he wanted to leave to be single. I gave my all to him and knowing that it no longer means anything to him anymore is so hurtful. Missing someone who obviously doesn't miss you back is always a painful truth.

[lfaye]

I know it's hard. Letting go of relationships is probably one of the most difficult and painful things we have to do in life. Again, I'm really sorry you're going through it.

 

You're on the right track my friend. Sending lots happy thoughts your way

 

Take care of yourself.