thecrucible Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Do any of you guys ever experience abuse from guys who've messaged you online? It really makes me worried about meeting people in person. Out of all the men I've met from online dating, only two have turned out to be relatively normal and potential dating material (and I do vet them). It really makes you despair. For instance the latest message in my inbox from Friday went like this: Friday 3.39am - "Hi how's it going? xx" Friday 11.24am (same guy) - "Well **** u u ugly skank" This online dating stuff is just getting too much for me.
spiderowl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) It has happened. It's not nice but be thankful they have made their weirdness known before you even considered talking to them. There are different forms of aggression on dating sites: You get the blatant ones where someone is just rude out of the blue. You get the ones who are sarcastic. Others can be demeaning, like saying you have nice hair but shame about your chin. There are the ones who are sexually aggressive, saying what they'd like to do to you. These guys know you are not going to fall in love with them for being like that; it is a form of aggression. There are also guys who send a few normal message then suddenly block you after sending a parting insulting message. They never intended to form a relationship in the first place, only to creep up and attack. Just be aware that there are these weird guys who play out their aggression online. Not every guy is like that. Take time to get to know a guy before agreeing to meet. Of course the main disadvantage of doing that to protect yourself is that guys will complain you just want to email endlessly. They take it personally because they don't see the other side of the coin. Yes, you can tell I have some experience of this There are also the guys who are sweet, uplifting and caring. If only they weren't nearly always half my age! Edited January 11, 2016 by spiderowl 4
Author thecrucible Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 I know, right! I'm just getting tired of it. The creepy ones have mainly been on okcupid so I'm thinking of deleting that and sticking to POF. I have nothing overt or sexual in my profile and I still get disturbing messages from time to time relating to fetishes or just general filthy talk. I have no choice but to use online dating as I never meet new men in real life. It's just really frustrating to have to filter through all this dross. I have met a couple of genuine men from online dating but the others have only wanted sex. They didn't make it obvious either. One guy was sending me messages for a week with a few paragraphs each time and they seemed well thought out with no mention of anything sketchy and he was asking me general questions about myself to get to know me. Anyway when I met him something seemed off and by date three it became really clear that he was only after one thing. Eurrgh anyway I'm going to be more proactive and pick out guys and email them myself. I feel like this is the only way to stop all the crap. 1
Author thecrucible Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Take time to get to know a guy before agreeing to meet. I am thinking of doing this, even if it means waiting more than a couple of weeks and up to a month before I meet them. I'm just going to be more on the ball with my questioning. I know people say don't wait to meet as you may find out you have no chemistry after talking for a bit but I feel like adopting a new method. Plus I am pretty broke and as I live in the middle of nowhere, it's often me that ends up traveling to the dates and this just gets expensive. I find dates to be quite draining as I am losing an evening for something which may turn out to be a total waste of my time.
Mikau Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 A lot of men are *******s and there isn't much you can do about them going off like this. I think this is just the reality of online dating for women, and you're going to have to accept it happens occasionally and be able to shrug and move past it. If you can't do that, for your sanity's sake it's probably better if you don't do OLD. At the same time, men have to accept that because of the above, they are likely to get ignored or blocked just as a precaution, and more likely to be rejected over small red flags. 2
bathtub-row Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I encountered such strange and deranged people on dating sites, I gave up. One guy got extremely angry with me when, after asking me to talk to him via instant chat, and I politely let him know that I didn't use it. I think it's invasive and I don't want strangers popping in on me. I did say the last part to him, just polity declined. And then he blew up. I don't know what to tell you. There are a lot of angry and abusive men on those sites. Probably because anyone who knows them won't put up with them so they have to find some other means of meeting women. The next thing they do is marry foreign women -- and they abuse them. As I'm sure you already know, you need to make sure you are very careful about meeting anyone that you've met through the Internet. I will say though that paid sites are better than the free ones - like eHarmony. 7
Author thecrucible Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 A lot of men are *******s and there isn't much you can do about them going off like this. I think this is just the reality of online dating for women, and you're going to have to accept it happens occasionally and be able to shrug and move past it. If you can't do that, for your sanity's sake it's probably better if you don't do OLD. Well a lot of the time I do shrug and move past it and mostly I have a canny eye for spotting the wrong uns now. But it just gets a bit emotionally draining after a while. I often take breaks from online dating as it makes me miserable. When I am going about just being me and I happen to be single, I am not feeling sad at all though. It's just the whole process of managing my online dating account that brings this all into relief. I have used it for about 4 years on and off and I haven't dated anyone from online dating for more than 1 month. I'm stuck in a rut where I'm hoping to move out of my small town to go somewhere where I'm more likely to meet someone. There are very few places to meet single men around here. I'd rather not go on any dates for ages and then find a really good guy than go on dates aimlessly; so I am not trying to seek ego reinforcement from getting dates. It's just the realisation of how limited my options are at the moment. I'm not in a rush to find a boyfriend but it'd just me nice to have someone to think of romantically. And recently I have turned 26 so I am over the mid-20s threshold and the fear of never finding the right guy is starting to affect me.
bathtub-row Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I encountered such strange and deranged people on dating sites, I gave up. One guy got extremely angry with me when, after asking me to talk to him via instant chat, and I politely let him know that I didn't use it. I think it's invasive and I don't want strangers popping in on me. I did say the last part to him, just polity declined. And then he blew up. Correction on the above. I meant to say that I DID NOT say the last part to him.
Author thecrucible Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 As I'm sure you already know, you need to make sure you are very careful about meeting anyone that you've met through the Internet. I will say though that paid sites are better than the free ones - like eHarmony. I think I'm going to have to go for the paid ones. I was resisting it because people say the free ones are just as good but I may as well give it a go. Anyway sorry for this being a slight non-question but I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It'd be good to have someone to relate to about this as I don't have many single friends - most of my friends are in long-term relationships or married. I'm starting to feel left out socially as I become a bit of an anomaly among my friend group. I mean I recently said to someone that my goals for the New Year are to get further in my career and to get healthier and I hear back "well you'll have to get yourself a man. You're not getting any younger". And then I think to myself that I am doing interesting things and yet the ultimate marker of my identity is whether or not I have a man on my arm?!?
Robratory Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Well, you know, everyone is unhappy in their own way. Women get crap like this, and men get no responses at all, not even replies to messages they send (polite messages, I'm talking about). I know getting scary messages is worse, but in both cases, we wind up meeting nobody. Have you tried Craigslist? I know it has a terrible reputation, but I've found it better than OKCupid or POF. Maybe it's the area I am in (San Francisco), but I don't know. Also, Craigslist has a separate section for "casual encounters," so that should distract most of the pervs from the relationship section. 1
Author thecrucible Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Have you tried Craigslist? I know it has a terrible reputation, but I've found it better than OKCupid or POF. Maybe it's the area I am in (San Francisco), but I don't know. Also, Craigslist has a separate section for "casual encounters," so that should distract most of the pervs from the relationship section. Oh I totally understand. I am not suggesting that men don't encounter problems with online dating as well. I'm not judgmental of anyone on there. I reply to polite messages and I sometimes see guys that seem interesting but they might say "shame you don't live closer" and they are living only about a 40 minute drive away. At first I made loads of mistakes with online dating. Thanks so much for your suggestion. I will look into Craigslist although I'm not sure how big it is in the UK. I went to San Francisco on holiday once - would love to go back.
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Oh sweet baby Jesus. I'm going through this right now. I literally just read some guy from Texas the riot act for his behavior. Many more I've had to block. It's absolutely INSANE how much things have changed online even in just the 4 years I've been away from it. If they're not being sexually aggressive and suggestive, they're cursing us out for not reciprocating interest. It seriously begs the question; Where have all the decent guys gone? 4
Peachland Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Oh sweet baby Jesus. I'm going through this right now. I literally just read some guy from Texas the riot act for his behavior. Many more I've had to block. It's absolutely INSANE how much things have changed online even in just the 4 years I've been away from it. If they're not being sexually aggressive and suggestive, they're cursing us out for not reciprocating interest. It seriously begs the question; Where have all the decent guys gone? They're still on there. You just have to filter, filter, filter and then filter some more. I delete 95% of the messages I get. Don't engage with nonsense. 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 They're still on there. You just have to filter, filter, filter and then filter some more. I delete 95% of the messages I get. Don't engage with nonsense. Oh for sure. And I do BIG time. But every now and again there are those guys that slip by. All sweet and polite online but as soon as they get you offline be it KIK or whatever, they turn into someone else. Whatever
five2nine Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I had a similar message on POF. After that I hid my profile. I joined eharmony last week and already started talking to a nice guy. The guys on that site do seem nicer and more polite. Just don't let them skip past the questions or jump straight to mail.
fitnessfan365 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Of course, the glass 1/2 full version would be that you found out he was a needy prick right away. After all, it's a stranger you don't know whatsoever So who cares? I mean you were able to save yourself from a horrible experience, just with that one sentence you received. So it should be taken as more of a blessing in disguise IMO. I actually think a genius way that women can test men out right away is by just waiting 1-2 days to respond. A guy is far more likely to be level headed and normal if he doesn't freak out and turn into a needy psycho with multiple emails, complaints about slow response, insults over it, etc.. 3
TheArtist Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Where have all the decent guys gone? Well hi there, Michelle... Just kidding. OLD is a really weird thing at the moment. Us guys get barely any messages at all and you girls get tons but they're usually crude and aggressive. I think pervs have always been around, but now the internet has given them a voice, which we can unfortunately all hear. I tried OLD about seven years ago and, although all the messages I sent were short, original, humorous and had a reference to her profile, I very rarely got a reply. Maybe 1 in 10 got back to me. I assume that the good guy messages just get lost in a sea of pervs and idiots (at least that's what I kept telling myself). Honestly, if I was a girl on there, I would be the one doing the chasing. Find a nice guy with a well written profile, lots of pictures and message him first! He'll be surprised, I promise! My POF profile details to follow. 2
Toodaloo Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 The answer is simple. Ignore and block. These people are not great. Their opinions do not matter. You do not know them. They really do not matter. Just learn to shrug and walk away from rubbish like that. We all get it. Men, women... I have found it goes in waves. You get a whole heap of great guys that you want to meet come along at the same time and then you get a wave of bozo's like this. I never answer any messages that are just "hey", go on about my looks or are uninspired. Some will have a go at me for that but effort needs to go into it. I put effort into mine and I expect the same. I would not have responded to his first message at all. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 although all the messages I sent were short, original, humorous and had a reference to her profile, I very rarely got a reply. Maybe 1 in 10 got back to me. I assume that the good guy messages just get lost in a sea of pervs and idiots (at least that's what I kept telling myself). You have seen my profile. I have told you my rough stats. They are no better than yours and you said yourself I am not a pig! Just life I guess. 1
TheArtist Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 You have seen my profile. I have told you my rough stats. They are no better than yours and you said yourself I am not a pig! Just life I guess. Yes, fair enough, but I'm trying to give a little compassion here! And for everyone's information, Toodaloo is pretty hot. So there. Blimey, I feel like I'm hitting on everyone today!
Toodaloo Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Blimey, I feel like I'm hitting on everyone today! Its the way to do it! Broaden the scope and you have a chance of meeting someone you click with! Guys do have this misunderstanding that all the good women get hit on all the time and if they don't then they must be a pig and blaugh blaugh blaugh. Its just not true. Everyone has problems finding that special someone. Be it through on line dating or going out etc. We all have problems. 1
TheArtist Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) I guess all I'm trying to say is that, if we've learned only the one thing from the internet (and I know I have), generally there are a lot of unpleasant people out there. Don't let it bother you OP, we've all been on the receiving end of someone's verbal poop-stick at some point. If that's even a phrase. Edited January 12, 2016 by TheArtist 1
bathtub-row Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 OP, if you're doing this because people think you need to be with some guy, or because you want to fit in with your friends, then I wouldn't bother. Some of your friends will probably be divorced in a few years anyway. People love to make you think that they live in married bliss when they're actually on the verge of falling apart. Never trust people when it comes to their marriages. I understand the comments about just ignoring the bad guys in those sites, but I personally found it incredibly negative and disheartening. That's why I stopped. If you really want to be with someone, then I'd still recommend the paid sites. As far as craigslist, that sounds like pure trouble to me.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Oh sweet baby Jesus. I'm going through this right now. I literally just read some guy from Texas the riot act for his behavior. Many more I've had to block. It's absolutely INSANE how much things have changed online even in just the 4 years I've been away from it. If they're not being sexually aggressive and suggestive, they're cursing us out for not reciprocating interest. It seriously begs the question; Where have all the decent guys gone? Now I'm seeing dislcaimers at the bottoms of women's profiles, "If you emailed me and I didn't reply, it means I wasn't interested, it doesn't mean to email me again a week later." Apparently, there are also passive-aggressive ways that men send repeat emails to women that don't respond? They aren't necessarily *itching at her or calling her names for not responding, but just doing the wash-rinse-repeat of waiting and re-sending emails.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Funny story, I've actually heard this from someone that kind of proves that the women that ignore men that they were nicely matched with in both hobbies and beliefs. One guy was such a man that got ignored, then spotted the same woman outin public. Some kind of fair and he approaches her the OLD fashioned way. Turns out they hit it off, went on several dates and were coupled up. He was like into date 5 when he told her he emailed her on POF and she was like "OMG, if I knew that was you, I would have NOT ignored you!" See how much white noise that OLD does? Women completely ignore those otherwise good matches. I recall a time where I used to carefully read women's profiles, making sure we matched up in beliefs and hobbies...some were so scarily uncanny. And it would seriously surprise me that they weren't interested considering how well matched we were...even in looks.
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