Periwinkle Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Hello all, Im quite scared right now because things came to a head with my long term BF tonight and everything is over between us in a very ugly way. For the first few years I knew him he was very sweet and kind. He then became critical of my weight, the amount of time I spent catering to his needs and generally busted my chops whenever I ddint make his life perfect and easy. I started to assert myself and request respect and appreciation a few years ago. Thats when he became verballyand then ("mildly") physically abusive. He was "only" physically abusive about 6 times a year (eveyr couple of months) I started, not surprisingly to resent him fo rhis mistreatment, but stilldid not leave him because I thouhgt if I were perfect enough he wouldnt fly off the handle. Unfortunately the repressed stress got to me and I put on 30 lbs. This stepped up his anger and resentment and he kept telling me I was lucky he was even still a friend to me. About a year ago I broached the topic of ending things cold turkey and me moving back to my home state. This started week long rant of manipulation by him trying to convince me how I failed him by not trying my best to be a a spotless, skinny, demure, feminine sweetheart. He then proceeded on the only crying jag Ive ever witnessed by stoic him. I let myself feel bad and be swayed for another year. Things havent been any better for me this year I havent been a happier, but I tried harder to make him happy and fulfilled. He's still been disrespectful of me (comparing me to skinny women on the street and saying how sad I let myself go) and he's still kept complaining anytime I don't keep his apartment neat down to OCD specifications (we never ever lived together but he still expected me to keep house for him) Why have I stayed so long with someman who could show such disregard and total lack of caring for me ? 1. Because I come from an utterly dysfunctional upbringing (absentee dad who died young, clinically insane, abusive mother) Over the last decade I have received much therapy for these family issues and my mother has repeatedlyshown great and honest remorse for her actions without asking anything in return except for wishing me great happiness. The healing from my childhood coincided with me asking my BF for some respect and appreciation. My solid self esteem didnt mesh with his image of me as a formerly needy quivering fragile doormat. 2. I also stayed with him because like many Abusive charmers he has many very outstanding attributes: When in a good mood th emost charming guy ever, Genius I.Q., award winning talented artist, comedian, handsome, great with children/animals and from a family who has been very loving towards me. All of these pluses kept comfusing me and making me believe that he was right and if I would just obey him, follow all his directives and stay thin lifewould be perfect for us both. Finally I woke up. I was planning to leave this Oct. and move back to my home state. (By then Ill have neough money for moving costs) Unfortunately he finally pushed me calling me a A_ _h_ _ _ and other horrible words when I toldhim I couldnt hang out and needed to run errands. When i got home I tried to contact him online and he told me to f- -k off. I then wrote him a short email telling him I couldnt take namecalling anymore. He proceeded to write back a 3 page long email on how delusional i am and he has every right to judge me. It became a war of words and ended with the realtionship being over by the 10th email. The reason Im scared right now is is that he has threatened to somehow make my life uncomfortable and to basically stop me from dating if I odnt movefrom his quote "town" immediately. I would never ever go the police because this would stepup his behavior 110% and what could I say to them anyway ? This BF is way too intelligent (he's MENSA) and Ive seen the very clever and totally legal ways he's managed to almost ruin his enemies lives . He's smart enough to use the truth and twist to hurt people whove done him wrong. So nothing he could be lehally punished for.I just need to move asap but need on advice on whether I shouldavoid allcontact with him while I still live here or put on a ruse pretending to be friendly and apologetic until I can move away ?
em88 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Im happy that you have finally made the decision to move on from such an abusive relationship. However, whatever you do, DO NOT pretend to be friendly and apologetic. What do u have to be apologetic for? You did not do anything. Dont give him that. He doesnt deserve it. Avoid all contact with him. You dont want to have to play any more games. Just move on with your life. This is about you now and rebuilding yourself. He does not need to be a part of it.
suegail Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 What could you say to the police? He's been physically abusive to you in the past. He's threatened you. He's stalking you. That's enough to get a restraining order against him and don't be afraid to do it if you have to. With any luck at all, he'll stop harrassing you, but I've got a feeling he may be the kind who won't stop unless he finds another way to spend the obsessive hours that are ticking away of his life. I don't care if he's smart; he's a nut case. I'm glad to hear you're done with him.
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