lucy1822 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 So I get that looks aren't everything, and that there are many factors that can make a girl beautiful (personality, looks, kindness etc.) but should your boyfriend think you're beautiful, no matter what? My boyfriend said to me the other day that he doesn't think I'm beautiful, yet... He said I am 'cute' and 'pretty' and that I have 'great potential to blossom'. I'm 20 by-the-way so I guess I'm young, and could 'blossom' still... He thinks Selena Gomez and Kelly Brook are beautiful women, which I'd definitely agree with. I'm not complaining, being 'cute' and 'pretty' is cool with me, but why am I not beautiful (yet) to my own boyfriend?
lana-banana Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 My boyfriend calls me "beautiful" and "gorgeous" all the time and frequently stops to remind me that he finds me outrageously attractive. While I know he finds me beautiful, I know it's also just a way he expresses affection---does he really think I'm gorgeous when I haven't washed my hair, am wearing old sweatpants and covered in cornmeal? Probably not. The bigger problem here seems to be that your boyfriend is a condescending jerk. "Great potential to blossom"? I would have clocked a man who told me that. You don't date people for their potential. 2
newmoon Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 i had a guy in my life like this once, before i got smart and realized men like this need to be kicked out of your life asap. they do this - say demeaning things - in order to keep you 'in check.' if he tells you you're beautiful... then guess what? you'd keep your self-esteem high, and a guy like this doesn't want that. he wants you to question your own attractiveness and self-worth b/c it makes him the stronger partner. these are ploys used by some men to deflate your self-worth and make you question yourself and whether you could ever do better than him. i wouldn't tolerate this behavior at all. he's a first-class jerk to even say that. a bf/husband should compliment you and certainly not see room for improvement in your beauty. why is he with you if he doesn't find you beautiful physically? men like this = disgusting. learn from those who have been there, done that before you. statements like these come from very poor partners. 5
basil67 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I think he was very rude to say this to you so bluntly. How did the conversation come up? Were you fishing for compliments or did he just come out with it? That being said, I'd be surprised if we all saw our partners as being beautiful or handsome. I mean "beautiful" is a really strong word. My hubby is an average looking bloke. I absolutely adore him and find him sexy - but I still know that he's an average looking guy. Same with my hubby and me - he loves me and finds me attractive, but I doubt he finds me 'beautiful'. Love doesn't make our vision lie 2
mrldii Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 He's using a tactic called "negging" on you. Real relationships don't have to rely on tactics to succeed and/or for the participants to get what they need from the relationship. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 It was an awful thing for him to say. I'm assuming he's around 20 too so I'm willing to chalk his comment up to him being young & dumb. That said, I would still tell him that he hurt your feelings. It's OK that you are cute to some supermodel / actress's beautiful but it was tactless for him to come out & say so. So to answer your question, no a BF or husband doesn't have to say his lady is beautiful but he should make her feel like she is the most special woman in the world & he is lucky to have her. She should similarly make him feel like the most special guy in the world & that she is lucky ot have him. 2
stillafool Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 My goodness the guy is just being honest. Do you know how many girls would like to be called "cute" and "pretty"? Beautiful and gorgeous are an entirely different category. 4
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) During a time of life that I am ashamed of, with a girl I am no longer with, I did the same thing. Told her that there was a difference between pretty, cute, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, etc. I didn't say she wasn't beautiful, but I definitely told her the classes, and which one she fell into. I didn't know it at the time, but it was most definitely negging, a backhanded compliment to hurt her self confidence and give myself some sort of power in the relationship. I was 16 and in the first month of my first relationship. It didn't take me very long to learn that's no way to treat a your girlfriend or anybody. If this guy is that immature that he feels the need to hold some power over you, I'm not really sure I would invest much more time in him. That's a very manipulative tactic. But I also guess I don't know the context. It sounds like what I did, but maybe he was joking or kidding around. I'm sure that he thinks you're beautiful, he just might be really insecure or (no excuse). Edited January 12, 2016 by rjblak13 2
Gloria25 Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 My goodness the guy is just being honest. Do you know how many girls would like to be called "cute" and "pretty"? Beautiful and gorgeous are an entirely different category. I agree the OP's guy' statement cuz look at Selena Gomez, she puts on heels, sexy jeans, dresses, etc. She just doesn't lie around relying on youth to get her by, and I see this alot with girls in their 20s - especially with certain races/cultures. They don't work out, they don't doll up, and guys in their age range make them think it's ok, cuz the guys are young and horny and naive - they have "yet" to want a "woman" - so when Selena Gomez trotts by, their jaws drop. Ever watch some girls in their 20s and their moms right next to them? The 20 yr old is thin like a pin, and mum is all all round and bleh. Why? Cuz they don't put no effort into their looks/body and have a "let nature do it's thing" attitude. I was with some black friends and one of them she flat out said it - which is "certain women" in their 30's look 60s. So get a sense of style, do your nails/hair/make-up...tone up your body and "blossom" But I did read the OPs other threads about this guy and I think while he has a point about cute/beautiful, he's one of those guys who will date down cuz he wants someone to pick on and take advantage of - who hasn't "blossomed" into a confident woman.
MissBee Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) So I get that looks aren't everything, and that there are many factors that can make a girl beautiful (personality, looks, kindness etc.) but should your boyfriend think you're beautiful, no matter what? My boyfriend said to me the other day that he doesn't think I'm beautiful, yet... He said I am 'cute' and 'pretty' and that I have 'great potential to blossom'. I'm 20 by-the-way so I guess I'm young, and could 'blossom' still... He thinks Selena Gomez and Kelly Brook are beautiful women, which I'd definitely agree with. I'm not complaining, being 'cute' and 'pretty' is cool with me, but why am I not beautiful (yet) to my own boyfriend? Only your bf can answer that. But for me, beautiful is not just physical and I don't generally call people beautiful unless I know them intimately, as it's also about who they are. Celebrities and stuff may be hot or pretty or sexy or cute to me more than beautiful. So for me it's odd that it's the opposite for your boyfriend. I also find him tactless for telling you you aren't beautiful "yet" then comparing you to random celebrities as the benchmark. On the contrary, whether they were exaggerating or not, my boyfriends always made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world to them and told me so and never put caveats on it or pointed to any other woman as more beautiful that I'd then compare myself to subconsciously. Like who does that?! He's an ass for doing that. The closest thing to that was a bf who did tell me I was beautiful but said I shouldn't expect him to say it often, because he didn't want me to think I was too good for him. He did tell me I was beautiful and for example, if I mentioned some celebrity or friend or person I knew who I said was hot he'd be like "Are you kidding? You're way hotter." So even in his insecurity, where he felt he needed to ration his compliments, he still weirdly made me feel like I was the most beautiful and hottest woman to him. Needless to say though, he had a ton of insecurity issues and rationing his compliments was a way to be controlling or to make him feel better. Your guy kinda sounds a little like this, where he's setting up these measures that you don't meet to foster insecurity in you and for you to now start wanting to seek his validation. You should never need to chase your bf's approval. He should happily make you feel like TO HIM you're the best thing since. Life's too short to waste on a guy who will have you questioning your beauty or who compares you to other women he says are beautiful while you aren't. Edited January 12, 2016 by MissBee 2
craw Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Sounds like a dick to me. Even if he did think that, who says that outloud? Rude.
Got it Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Regardless of what he thinks/says, do you want to be with someone who doesn't think you are beautiful? I wouldn't. Life is too short to settle. And he is definitely a settle. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 theres one person in life you should feel treasured and the most beautiful that you can feel....and i believe that place and time is with a partner....even if you are in sweatpants and leg warmers tied around your head to keep your hair in place....ok maybe not that far...but you get my drift...that when your guy looks at you ...you feel how he sees you......non verbally.....no verbal needed....then that to me is where you would blossom and come into your own.....not on his say so..... i had a guy a long long time ago...one of my longer relationships.....who used to point out other women to me......and say now that is good looking...why cant you be like them .....see how they dress .....look at their faces...their makeup is flawless.......so i did look at them.....and then i looked at me...and i saw all my imperfections all at once......i am not a make up fan never have been.....i wore purple tights under knee length ripped denim shorts with red boots....lol.i used to dance ...and i was an excellent dancer..but i was not color coordinated...and i loved color.....and i stopped wearing color for him and began to dress in black...still me trying to fit him........i never made the grade.....not his grade.....he cheated on me constantly ....i ended the relationship...took me a while though .... so with you now.... you need to be you and that means not comparing yourself to other women or be compared to other women...you are beautiful ...we all are....red boots or not....and you need to find a man...that when you look into his eyes you can feel how he feels about you...not that he thinks other women are beautiful and you are not..that you dont make the grade.....even if you have potential...pfft...who is he to decide that..you are not a fixer upper......if you have to ask on a forum...theres an issue..be strong...and be you..and be vocal.....tell him how you feel......i wish you well.....deb
angel.eyes Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 My boyfriend said to me the other day that he doesn't think I'm beautiful, yet... He said I am 'cute' and 'pretty' and that I have 'great potential to blossom'. I'm 20 by-the-way so I guess I'm young, and could 'blossom' still... He thinks Selena Gomez and Kelly Brook are beautiful women, which I'd definitely agree with. I'm not complaining, being 'cute' and 'pretty' is cool with me, but why am I not beautiful (yet) to my own boyfriend? Yet??? Listen. Dump the crap boyfriend. There's really no potential there. Take your "great potential" self and go find a real boyfriend. Don't waste your time trying to gain approval and validation from guys with jerky behavior. That's a no-win situation. When they feed you crap lines like this to make you question yourself and feel insecure, move on. There are guys out there who will value you for all you have to offer...guys who'll want to build you up and make you feel good about yourself. 1
sandylee1 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 It's difficult to tell if he was being unkind ...depending on context and the way it was said. Sometimes people feel beauty is for older mature people and pretty is for young ones IDK. But if I felt he meant it in a mean way.... I'd be very tempted to say.... I wasn't so sure if HE had potential or if this was as good as it was going to get.......and maybe I should cut and run.
Forevermore13 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 He sounds like he wants to be the more dominant one in this relationship, and have toy under the thumb a little. To me, personally, it sounds a little pathetic and he sounds very immature. My ex boyfriend would constantly compliment me and make me feel good (sometimes too much) but that's a whole world better than "you're not beautiful, yet" sorry, he doesn't sound all that wonderful.
MightyPen Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Eh, the term "beautiful" gets tossed around so much (too much). I mean, it HAS a specific meaning - jaw-droppingly attractive or eye-catching. And yes a mountain can be beautiful, just as can be a wild animal (horse or cheetah or something). Selena Gomez is beautiful by almost anyone's definition of the phrase. Asking to be lumped in with her seems to be asking for quite a lot, isn't it?? I think the OP's boyfriend was being honest but the majority opinion here seems to be he should have sacrificed honesty for tact. Keep in mind that "honesty" is cited by many on these boards as the penultimate element of any successful relationship. But here is honesty is viewed negatively? This whole conversation reminds me of those obnoxious FaceBook memes women share that say things like "All women are beautiful, or "Real Men Love Beautiful Women Even with Curves." or stuff like that. Such an approach renders the term "beautiful" meaningless. 2
ShatteredLady Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Be careful! Being told these things, little digs, half compliments half insults, has a way of eroding your self worth. I know that men generally find me attractive. As a student I was frequently asked to model for my art/photography friends. People notice me & say things. I can still remember being about 17 & being told by my Mum that I wasn't pretty. It wasn't just the statement, she was clearly shocked by the hurt look on my face & said "What? Come on it can't be a surprise to you?!?". My Mums quite small, shapely...I'm tall, dark, long messy curly hair. I get it. Each to their own but it still hurts...isn't love supposed to be blind?
BettyDraper Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 This man is very rude and you can do better.
Tayla Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Try as I may, putting so much value on a word and then cutting ties seems a bit rash.The persons whos value means the most is the one looking at you in the mirror. In psychology such compliments stroke the ego. The warm fuzzies. Accept his opinion at face value. No more no less. Had he berated you or insulted you ... then it would need addressed. is saying your cute an insult?
stillafool Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 OP, did you ask him if he thinks you're beautiful or did he volunteer this info? If you asked he was honest, if he volunteered this info he's a bad bf.
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