Lostintranslationslc Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Hey all. I'm new to this forum. I've been dating a divorced man since October 2014. His divorce was finalized early August 2014 after he and his ex wife had been separated for a couple of years. Anyway, the thing that's plaguing me has been the nature of the relationship he has with his ex wife. I'm an open minded woman not new to alternative lifestyles or the acceptance of them. However, my friends and family have been concerned that my kindness is being taken advantage of and that the relationship between my boyfriend and is ex wife may be too close. Members of his family have pointed out that their friendship is odd and now it's noticeably affecting my transition and full acceptance into his family and life. Here's a few examples of their dynamic. She is remarried. She went through two engagements while they (her ex/my bed) were separated. One of them resulting in marriage after having known both men for a short period of time. They've remained pretty close friends and initially I thought nothing of it. She's an athlete and we'd go to her meets and competitions with the kids to cheer her on. They do chat quite a bit. A lot of times about their two children but also about personal things. Her unhappiness with things in her household or about current things with mutual friends or his job situation and frustrations with his boss. When she drops the kids off she hangs around for an hour or so to sit and chat with us. It wasn't until recently these short hangouts and chat sessions started to bother me until I went to my boyfriends house after work and she'd been hanging there for awhile in my abscence. She then apologized for being a constant "fixture" when I came home or always there. That came off as a red flag. Not entirely sure why. The fact that an apology was being made didn't sit well. This last time in my presence she came in and decided to hang. My man complimented her new look with her new glasses. Telling her she should wear them more because they look good on her. He then shared something with her that I thought was pretty intimate between us about an old boss wanting to get drinks with him and admitting to making a mistake in firing him 3 years ago. He let her read their emails back and forth and she was really happy for him. Then went on to say how connected she is to his former boss and wife. His old colleagues and their wives. People I have never met. They conversed about this personal matter for a long time before she left. He gives her a hug and she goes home. I was perturbed because I felt that him sharing this information with me earlier was intimate and we celebrated in our own way. It was now being shared with her. There are other more broad instances He invited her to his families New Year's Eve party. She came to my house while I was hosting thanksgiving for my family, my bf, and his mom and dad (which my family thought was weird as she wasn't socializing very much). She came to his mothers house for Mother's Day. She went on vacation with him and his family to Hawaii with me and kids as well. She talked to us both about her marital problems. He took her to breakfast. He invites her and kids to dinner with us various times. His excuse is that his 10 year old son wants mom, dad and I to hang out more. I've heard no such thing from his son. Again, I'm supportive of people remaining friends after they split especially with kids involved. However, it feels like I'm involuntarily involved in a polyamorous relationship at times. He has had ample opportunity to get back with her while they were separated but preferred single life. He says he doesn't ever want to be married to her again. They never had sex because he's not sexually attracted to her. They have more of a sibling connection. Yet it feels more personal than that. I can't wrap my head around it. I'm open to hearing thoughts and opinions and suggestions on setting boundaries with people who are so fiercely resistant and oblivious to them. Something doesn't feel right but can't justify my feelings to him or put my finger on as to why they stay so closely connected...
CarrieT Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I can't wrap my head around it. I'm open to hearing thoughts and opinions and suggestions on setting boundaries with people who are so fiercely resistant and oblivious to them. Something doesn't feel right but can't justify my feelings to him or put my finger on as to why they stay so closely connected... You don't need to justify your feelings... The bottom line is they ARE closely connected and it sounds like he is unwilling to separate her from his life. So if you want to continue a relationship with him, she is part of the package. Personally, I wouldn't put up with it and would end the relationship. I don't think it is your job to set boundaries for other people. You can only do that for yourself; you either accept her as part of your life with him or you move on and find someone without that kind of baggage. 2
carhill Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Heh, reading this and how everyone is so 'connected', it reminded me of a couple my exW and I knew while I was married - the end game was selling us on the Mormon religion. Heh. I must've read the part about them being married and him never having sex with his wife wrong... or... Me, I'd pass on the whole thing, based on what you're sharing as your perspective on things. Or accept it. Nah, pass....
Author Lostintranslationslc Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Except they're Jewish and very liberal and she has a husband. Otherwise, it totally smells and looks like polygamy. The funny this I like his ex wife personally. Have even established a sort of friendship with her. So, I've put up with it. However, I've noticed that my self esteem has suffered because I find myself comparing myself to her and wondering what I could do differently to set his sights away from her or at least save his emotional connection for me. He says he does it for the kids. Uses the kids as justification but it just feels like manipulation to me. His kids are so young and they seem happy with both families. Swears up and down he's happier not married to her. I just don't know what to do because I do love him, I wish there were a resolution that everyone could live with... On the other hand, starting to feel this love isn't worth losing my self worth and sanity over.
Author Lostintranslationslc Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 You don't need to justify your feelings... The bottom line is they ARE closely connected and it sounds like he is unwilling to separate her from his life. So if you want to continue a relationship with him, she is part of the package. Personally, I wouldn't put up with it and would end the relationship. I don't think it is your job to set boundaries for other people. You can only do that for yourself; you either accept her as part of your life with him or you move on and find someone without that kind of baggage. Thank you. This is great advice. Always have felt or have been made to feel that the lack of my full acceptance of their relationship meant there something wrong with me personally.
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