CherryBlossom1980 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm not entirely sure where to start with this. I guess a part of me would like to know if the guy I dated had commitment issues, just wasn't into me or was mentally unstable? I've certainly never come across it before and it's making me extremely nervous about dating again. I dated a guy for a few months, we are both close to 40. I had been in a long term relationship with someone for over 15 years, did the whole house buying thing etc but I fell out of love and found myself single. He on the other hand has only had bad relationships, never moved in with a girl or pushed the relationships forward. We had great chemistry and hit it off straight away. He came across as a very genuine, lovely guy who made a big effort to get to know me. He took me away for a romantic weekend, and instigated a wonderful week away in France. One of our main issues is he told me on our second date that he had plans to go to Australia to live and that he never planned to meet someone he really liked just before he was going to go. This put pressure on us as a couple, but we carried on seeing one another to see what would happen with a view to me moving to Australia with him. We nearly broke up a few times (instigated by me) because I naturally didn't want to get hurt. But each time he got extremely upset by it and talked me back into staying with him. I spoke with him about my desire to start a family and he said he very much wanted that too, he spoke about children all the time which gave me a little reassurance we were on the same page. He introduced me to all his friends in one weekend, and then his brother and his family. Everyone commented on this being a big thing for him because it's something he had never done with a girl before. But he had some big mental health issues, he had suffered with anxiety and panic attacks in the past and the only way he could control this was to meditate twice a day and keep his stress levels down. To cut a long story short, he broke up with me when we talked about moving in together to kick start the visa process for me to move to Australia. When he broke up with me he seemed upset which I found odd as I was the one which was meant to be upset, but I took it well which seemed to upset him even more?! Two days later I found out I was pregnant. At the time when this happened it was awful, but I told him and he was shocked, cried and asked me to have and abortion. I didn't do that. I now have a wonderful baby girl curled up next to me asleep. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't regret the decision in the slightest. He on the other hand sent me an email about 3 months before I was due to give birth, saying he was distressed at my decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and that he is going to Australia, when the child is old enough he will consider seeing it. They were pretty much his words. We haven't spoken since - that was winter 2014. I still find it hard to believe someone can behave like this. It's shocking. He did things which would suggest he saw me in his future, and then just out of the blue broke up with me and genuinely seemed upset by it which confused me even more and then despite banging on all the time about what a great father he would be, he disappeared when he found out I was going to have his baby. The whole thing has scared me and I worry about getting back out there to start dating again. If someone who came across as so sincere and genuinely into me could do this to me, then how can I ever trust a man again? Is this a case of he just wasn't into me or what? Help please! I'm destined to never meet anyone again! X
hippychick3 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I think that history is extremely important. It's very telling that he only had bad relationships at almost 40 and never wanted to push relationships forward. Usually men have patterns, and you need to pay attention to those patterns. Knowing one's past behaviors gives great insight into future behaviors. Never think you're going to change someone. They typically are who they are. So choose wisely. 3
Author CherryBlossom1980 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Thanks Hippychick good advice. I was relatively new to dating again after being in a relationship so approached it rather naively I think. You are right about patterns, because he mentioned something about girls he has dated in the past when they expressed they liked him he then broke up with them. However he always stayed friends with them which I found strange...
Author CherryBlossom1980 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Just to clarify - this had nothing to do with his feelings for me then? Because at times I felt like he was in love with me. It's all very confusing xx
Toodaloo Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Cherry. I know it is your body but you have forced a child on him. That is no small thing. Steady yourself up and go slow with the next one. Make better choices and double up on contraception...
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