Didn't appreciate ex. She is hurt. I still love her.

[jayson123]

Hey guys..

 

I hurt my ex, I realize how much I actually love her, and I think now expressing my regret/strong feelings towards her is pushing her away.

 

Does no contact work with an ex, when you took her for granted? Would love to hear both ladies and other guys' opinions on this.

 

We were together for a year. We had some fantastic times together, and great memories. Went on trips together, hung out every weekend, all of her friends and family loved me. However, about halfway through our relationship, about the six month mark. I started getting cold feet. My single friends were going out having fun (meeting new girls included), and I felt my lifestyle had started to become redundant and I didn't have a social life outside of her. I am 31.. she is 28.. So I started to put some distance between us. Not hanging out with her all weekend. Maybe seeing her one night of the weekend and hanging out with friends on the other night. I felt my life needed a "balance". Also maybe a part of me wanted to be single again, seeing my friends having so much fun. I don't know..

 

But one day I was at a bar and this girl came up to me. We had a nice conversation and exchanged numbers. Over the next couple weeks, we exchanged a few texts making tentative plans to meet on a weekend. My ex was going out of town for a bachelorette party that weekend. In the end, I ended up not going on that "date" as plans fell apart. As it turns out, my ex had been looking through my phone for a while. It's because she sensed I was distancing myself from her and wasn't as into her. She confronted me, told me she has been looking at my phone for a while now, and she knows everything. We had originally met on a dating app, and she saw that I was still actively using dating apps, talking to girls, although not actively seek to meet or go on dates with any new girls. She kept this all to herself until she saw the text message conversation. She told me she hates liars, and just wanted me to be honest to her. I basically told her I didn't know what I wanted right now, I felt my lifestyle had become too redundant and I needed more balance in my life. If she needed an answer at this moment, I basically told her I didn't know if I could commit right now.

 

This was strike one.. the first time I hurt her... Something I wish I could take back, because I didn't realize it at the time. I was just selfish, confused, and didn't know what I really wanted.

 

We are both from New York. But her job was asking her to move her to California for a year. Since she might be moving, and neither of us believe in long distance, we decided we are okay with the current situation of still seeing eachother, although nothing was really established between us regarding our status.

 

She found out she might not be getting the promotion she wanted after all, so she will likely stay in New York and look for jobs in New York. This is when she wanted to have a talk with me, where we stand. Since now it looked like she was staying in New York. I told her I still didn't know if I'm ready to be committed and wanted to keep things the way they were. This was obviously not what she wanted to hear, as I didn't give her the commitment or security that she wanted. But at the time I was being honest. Long story short, she had multiple job offers in New York, and her current boss counter offered at the last minute with a better offer, but she has to move to California for a year.

 

When she told me she accepted the offer, I wasn’t ready.

I knew I would miss her a lot. And I wanted to spend a lot of time with her. That last month together was precious. I wanted to cherish every moment together. Stare at her just a little bit longer, hold her a little bit longer. Kiss her.. Have sex with her.. Just taking in each moment.. Savoring each moment. Living in the moment, Like a capsule frozen in time.. I didn't want her to leave.. I found myself falling more for her… A newfound appreciation knowing I won’t be able to see her often like I used to anymore.. Seeing what a beautiful person she was.. How genuinely she care for me.. How I realized I genuinely cared and will miss her once she leaves.

 

I found myself falling more and more.. and I got scared again. Because I knew I’d be lonely when she actually leaves for LA. I was developing more and more feelings and was totally messed up in my head and emotionally because of it. And didn’t know what the to do…

 

I caught myself and wanted to protect myself.. not because I didn’t care for her enough.. but rather because I felt I was falling too deep.. too quickly.. I was scared of the impending void that I was going to feel. And was going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I lost my mother when I was 18, and since then I always had an issue because of that. Losing my mother, left a void that is impossible to fill. Since your mother is the one person in the world who loves you the most. It is something I've always had to deal with.

 

So this was strike two... when I genuinely hurt her. Two weeks before she left. For the first time, I slept with another girl. I guess subconsciously.. I wanted a "back up" when she left, so I'm not totally alone when she leaves.

 

My ex found out, when she found girls hair in my bathroom shower drain, that didn't belong to her. She was okay at first. Kind of laughing it off. However, on her last weekend in New York, she had a big going away party, and had a lot to drink. When we were outside alone, having a cigarette, this is when she broke down infront of me. She was crying, she was hurt.. She asked me what happened, but I couldn't bear give her any details... I knew it was her last night, I didn't want to make it worse. I felt terrible.

 

So my ex left for California in October. My ex was was totally in love with me. Before she left, she said that during the year shes in California, I can do my "single thing" and get it out of my system, and when she returns we can get a place together, get a dog together, etc.. She said she would be celibate and would only think of me. She was always a positive and cheery person... She was so good to me.

 

During the first month she moved to California, she texted me often like she always used to. And then I noticed a change in her. She stopped texting me as much. Meanwhile after she left, I realized how much I missed her, and how every girl I see doesn't compare to what I had already in her. She was the complete package.

 

I missed her so I went to see her in December. We had some pleasant light-hearted times together, but also a good amount of arguing and stressful moments. Anytime we talked about anything "heavy", it just became very stressful for both of us.

 

While I was over there, I read a facebook conversation she had with her friend, and I found out she had sex with a guy in California. I couldn't keep this to myself, so I confronted her about it. We got into a huge fight because of it. She denied it at first, but I told her I know everything. She said it made it easier for her to get over me. She said she was really sad. And she didn't want to be sad anymore. She said she doesn't want to move back to New York, and especially not for me. She also doesn't believe in long distance.

 

After this fight,we took a few days apart. I stayed at a friends place, and gathered my thoughts, debating if I should leave back to New York early. In the end, I stayed till the weekend and we spent the final weekend together.

 

I could tell she still cares.. but not the same.. I expressed how much I realized I care for her. I apologized for hurting her. she said she doesn't want to talk about it. Because its painful for her. She said her feelings for me changed, and she doesn't believe in long distance.

 

I came back from California, there was no contact for a week.

 

I sent her an email. Reminiscing our times together, taking ownership for what I did, letting her know I will always love her, and I wish her the best. which was a few days before Christmas.

 

She didn't respond to the email. but she broke broke no contact by texting me on Christmas. Wishing me a Merry Christmas and hope I had a good time visiting my family.

 

A few days later when I returned back home from my trip. I called her. And we had a very pleasant conversation. I asked her if she read the email. She said she read everything. She was surprised I remembered so much memories about our relationship. She asked me if I really would move to California, and if I really would wait for her and would always like her the way I do now. I knew she was coming back to New York in February, so she asked me if I would be her Valentine. I said yes of course I would immediately. She said are you sure? It's so far away. Before when we were together, I usually wasn't one to make plans with way out in the future with her.

 

Immediately after the phone call, she texts me saying she hopes to go visit my home country with me one day. She sounded sick over the phone so I said I hope she feels better, etc. The next day she randomly texts me, what color lingerie do I like? So I was on cloud 9 at this point. I was so happy again...

 

This didn't last long. My mistake was, I sent her messages on facebook and text expressing my regret for hurting her, etc. And she has stopped contacting me.

 

I finally called her few days ago, and she said she's okay with being friends, but doesn't want to be with me. She said she was really into me. She really loved me and would have stayed in New York for me. She said she's moved on and wants me to move on. She said when she read my messages to her at work, she wanted to cry. She had to stop herself from crying. She said all of this is stressing her out. I told her that I get it. I don't want to talk about heavy stuff anymore. Do you still want to see me when you come back to New York? Does she still want to be my valentine "as friends". I told her lets just go have fun and a good time. And she said she would. And we set up somewhat detailed plans on what day and what time to meet up, when she comes back in town in February.

 

Is no contact for a whole month, until she comes back in town, really the best option here? Or a light-hearted text here and there, such as a joke, a good idea? Just to maintain some form or consistent contact?

 

Can somebody explain the psyche behind how she was so warm and receptive after my email and our pleasant phone call; asking me to be her Valentine. To her being distant and not contacting me again? Is she simply fighting her feelings after a momentary lapse? Or did sending her those emotional texts lose her attraction to me as a strong man?

 

How does no contact work, when its an ex that you took for granted?

 

Thanks so much!

Edited January 11, 2016 by jayson123

[K2z]

Study the No Contact guide. This is a fragile time. There is overwhelming risk of sending her the wrong signal, i.e. that you are backpedaling and weak or needy.

 

There's an old truism, "You can't talk yourself out of a problem you behaved yourself into."

 

You got to have extreme patience, give her space, and maaaaaybe communicate with her minimally after consulting intensively with the more experienced members of this forum.

[TaraMaiden2]

How does No Contact work?

Ok, how it DOESN'T work, is as a manipulative tool to get your ex re-interested in you.

NC is not a means of tempting her to keep in touch.

NC is NC, period, for good, for ever, end of story.

 

Please read the Guide (see link in my signature) and brush up on how you SHOULD be behaving and acting.

 

I can't promise you what the future will bring, but one thing's for sure: The more you push and persist, the more you will drive her away.

You need to rein back, control yourself, draw up your dignity and integrity, and act 'like a man'.

Will she contact you?

Probably.

Will it be 'breadcrumbs' (See NC Guide)? Almost definitely.

Do you have a chance with her? That's entirely and solely up to her.

 

But one thing's certain: Keep behaving as you are, and you can guarantee kiss bye-bye for good.

[Chi townD]

Dude, just let this go already! She doesn't want to be with you. She wants to stay on the West coast and you're east coast. She's sleeping with another guy and if you think that her sleeping with that guy is a "one off" kind of thing, then I have a bridge to sell you. She's still sleeping with that dude. Even after she said she wasn't going to do that while she was out there.

 

 

You are not friends with her. I'm pretty sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her for the ultimate outcome is that you are nothing more than a really good friend to her.

 

 

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but let's be honest, you have commitment issues when it comes to her. And I'm not bashing you on that, because it is what it is. You're not ready to settle down. It happens. But, I think you need to move on from this. Because she's making a life for herself in California with no intention of coming back.

[jayson123]

I had commitment issues before. But I want to be with only her now..

[TaraMaiden2]

Well that's tough, because she doesn't want to be with you.

 

Clearly.

 

You blew it, and she's told you as much.

Go NC and do what the Guide directs.

 

Who knows?

[frigginlost]

Sorry Jayson...

 

This is going to sting a little, but you really laid waste to that relationship. I don't see her ever wanting to go back to it, if what you have said is true. Some women can endure a lot of pain trying to make their relationship work and when they reach the point of being "done" they are completely done.

 

I think your ex is there.

 

She tried and tried... but in all honesty you kept taking a dump on the relationship because of your insecurities.

 

It sucks, but take it as a life lesson and try to force it down your throat. It sucks, and sucks bad, but it does sound as if you are learning from it. And that is a good thing.

 

Maybe in the future your paths will cross again, but I just don't see her coming around.

[jayson123]

Thanks guys for all your thoughts and insight. I really appreciate it.

 

I feel like she's already given up. She was hurt and wanted to quickest way to heal herself/get over me. Which was why she slept with another dude.

 

I know she loved me very much. She is a very sweet girl and I hate hurting her because I know how sweet a girl she is. I only want to make her happy now.

 

She responded warmly when I spoke to her, after I sent her the email and our chat together which was overall very pleasant. Couple days before the New Year.

 

On New Years, I got drunk and texted her happy new year and said I missed her and wished she was there. Then over the next week, I sent her some texts and messages expressing regret for not appreciating her when I had her, and mentioned some of the things I did, such as not going to a wedding with her as her plus 1, making her drive two hours to another State and back alone. I felt so terrible about that because I knew how disappointed she must have been.

 

Anyway she stopped responding to these texts. And when I called her she told me she felt like crying at work when she got those messages. She doesn't want to be sad anymore. And I think all of this heavy topic stuff really stresses her out. I said I understand, I don't want to talk about heavy stuff anymore. She said she doesn't want to be with me.. I said I don't want us to hate eachother. She said she doesn't hate me, she knows I'm a good guy. She doesn't want to be with me but she is ok being friends with me. I said when she comes back in town we should hang out and go have some fun, no heavy stuff. Just have a good time, "as friends". She did agree to meet with me when she comes in town next month.

[TaraMaiden2]

..... She doesn't want to be with me but she is ok being friends with me. I said when she comes back in town we should hang out and go have some fun, no heavy stuff. Just have a good time, "as friends". She did agree to meet with me when she comes in town next month.

Bad idea. Very bad.

VERY BAD.

Totally B-A-D.

 

You can never, ever be a friend to someone you still have feelings for. She cannot be your friend, because you still love her, have an agenda and want to be with her.

You desperately hope that by seeing you, she will fall in love with you all over again and get swept into your arms.

 

Well wise up pal, you're just heading for further agonising heartbreak.

Do NOT meet up with her - ever, until you feel nothing BUT INDIFFERENCE.

 

And yes, you're right. That might be never.

 

But you're not going to listen.

because you're letting your heart rule your head, and you are totally deaf to common sense.

You will protest, and insist that it will be ok, better than nothing and you're going to cultivate this 'friend' thing and you won't get your hopes up.

 

Yeah.

Right.

[K2z]

Jay, I am a little closer to my time of extreme wounds than the advice givers on this thread. I am baaaaaaaaarely, barely turning a corner into a place of what I might call indifference liberally marbled with veins of anger and sadness. (The 45-second tear monsoons only come every 2 or 3 days instead of twice daily.)

 

There are parallels between my story and yours. Read mine. I loved this woman to the moon, but I screwed up in many ways and I was too obtuse to read the signs. She's married to someone else now, and we will never speak again, despite several very thoughtful outreaches by me to her in the interim.

 

You are in a powerless situation right now. All contact from your side will be either too little, too late, or -- worse-- drive her away by seeming like a spoiled brat attempt to control her emotions.

 

If you do attempt contact.. it must be minimal, it must be mature. Do not write a novel. And run it by people on this forum.

 

That said, a very wise friend of mine says in cases like these, "Silence is NEVER the wrong choice."

 

These are dark woods, and we've all walked in them.

[Zapbasket]

Consider that where intimacy fears are concerned, sometimes you can allow yourself to "love" someone only once you have lost them. The reason for this is because the thing you fear most--being abandoned by someone you care about--has already happened and so now you can feel without fear.

 

No doubt you love her, but it's not fair to pull anyone into the push-pull cycle of intimacy fear. We all have this fear and we all have to work with ourselves to deal with it maturely. At this point, it will take a herculean effort on your part to truly show up for her--assuming she would even WANT that at this point--and you might find that once you "have" her again, you feel that yearning to be free and that need to do anything including cheating to keep from getting too close, needing her too much. You have to deal with the part of you that fears being abandoned the way your mother "abandoned" you, because otherwise it will ruin your relationships for the rest of your life. Losing a parent at a young age, whether young child or young adult, is a traumatic event that affects everything in your psyche because your parents are supposed to be the two people in the world who are a safe haven. It's a big deal and it would be in your best interest to use what you have seen in yourself in this relationship to be sure to better yourself in this regard.

 

I would advise doing this work on yourself FIRST, before even considering contacting your ex again. Then, if you still feel a need or desire to reach out, you can tell her about this journey of self-discovery you've taken, and apologize to her for how you failed her in the past. Until then, anything you try to say to her at this point is just words.