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Ended My "Relationship," Realize I Was Being Emotionally Abused

lakerman34

By lakerman34
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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Hey All,

 

I've written a few threads about this girl I was seeing already.

 

We "broke up," 2 hours later she's acting all lovey-dovey, she detaches, and today I ended it.

 

I ended it loudly.

 

I haven't heard a peep from her for 3 days. Today, I decided to text her. "Hey, what's going on?" She says she's fine, whatever. After only a couple of texts, I ask her if I can come over.

 

No response.

 

I call her.

 

No response.

 

A few hours go by, I call her again.

 

No response.....but a text 30 minutes later:

"I don't like talking on the phone. What's up?"

 

I told her I couldn't do it anymore, she plays kind of stupid. I have to explicitly tell her that I don't want to see her or be associated with her anymore. She said she's sorry to hear that, but kind of brushes it aside as an "oh well, that's life." Then, she starts talking all nice with me, saying she loves me, sending emoticons.

 

I tell her to stop.

 

She says she can't help it, that's who she is and that's how she is to everybody.

 

I say, "OH! So you let every guy that your friends with touch your ass, huh?"

 

She acts confused.

 

I don't answer her at this point. I just tell her to put my books that I left at her place in my mailbox and not to alert me. I don't want to hear nor see her again.

 

Later on (when I'm sure she's asleep), I used the phrase "emotional abuse" to her because of all the constant putdowns, slapping me in the face once, NEVER letting me state my opinions, constant projections, and extreme selfishness.

 

Tomorrow morning, I'm SURE she'll respond. I plan on blocking her on Facebook shortly thereafter.

 

She's not a terrible person. Really. She's not. I feel as if she needs help. I may point this out to her if she drags this conversation on. In the meantime, I told her "the ENTIRE relationship has been about you. From now on, if you want to talk to me, it's about ME. If you have anything to say to me, you come to MY house and say it directly to my face."

 

She doesn't have the balls.

CC12 Established Member

CC12

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If you feel you are being abused by someone, you should immediately cut contact if possible.

 

You don't play weird games with them, hoping they'll respond to you.

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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If you feel you are being abused by someone, you should immediately cut contact if possible.

 

You don't play weird games with them, hoping they'll respond to you.

 

It might be because I have awesome roommates who would listen to me complain about her for months, but I feel a sense of empowerment now. In the past, she'd scold me, tell me I wasn't good enough, put me down, make untrue claims about me, withhold sex, and I just CONSTANTLY had to fight for her attention and appreciation. Now, if she came with that BS to me, I feel as if I could hold my own and tell her "you have 0 power over me now. I deserve WAY better than you. You need help. Say what you need to say and get the hell out of my house. NEVER come anywhere near me again."

CC12 Established Member

CC12

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Now, if she came with that BS to me, I feel as if I could hold my own and tell her "you have 0 power over me now. I deserve WAY better than you. You need help. Say what you need to say and get the hell out of my house. NEVER come anywhere near me again."

 

I'm glad you feel as though you can now stand up to someone you feel abused you, but you should not feel the need to insult her or reject her, as good as that might feel for you temporarily.

 

Just stop talking to her. You can move on gracefully.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Dude, you were emotionally and physically abused. Yeah dude. No one deserves to have someone that they care about put their hands on you in anger.

 

 

And don't bottle this abuse up. Talk to friends and family about this. You'll be surprised on the amount of support you get. I think that society is FINALLY waking up to the fact that men get abused too.

Wewon Established Member

Wewon

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Yes, she sounds pretty mean, but the weird thing is, you seem to allow it by going back and further participating.

 

She's not coming after you, you're calling and texting her. You're the one trying to get a specific response from her and she's deliberately frustrating and taunting you.

 

Its more humiliating because I can promise you that she's on the other end laughing at this. Its like watching a drug addict being teased.

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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Woke up this morning, no response.

 

With all this "spiritual awakening" and "self-awareness" BS she's on, I'm sure she feels as if she has acted righteously the past few months, and I'm just weak for being angry.

 

But I'm OK with that. I don't have to deal with her **** again.

mrldii Established Member

mrldii

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...But I'm OK with that. I don't have to deal with her **** again.

 

Until the next time 3 days go by without a word from her, so you text her "Whazzup?"

 

Or, you wait 'til you're sure she's asleep and then you send her a text letting her know how immature and emotionally-abusive she is. Oh, and how you don't want to see her or talk to her, again...

 

unless it's to talk about you, face-to-face, on your doorstep.

 

 

You're right - you should put an end to this...by simply not doing it, anymore.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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Until the next time 3 days go by without a word from her, so you text her "Whazzup?"

 

Or, you wait 'til you're sure she's asleep and then you send her a text letting her know how immature and emotionally-abusive she is. Oh, and how you don't want to see her or talk to her, again...

 

unless it's to talk about you, face-to-face, on your doorstep.

 

 

You're right - you should put an end to this...by simply not doing it, anymore.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

 

I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

 

It's unfortunate that you assume I'm going to say "hey, Whazzup!" because that's what you expect ALL guys do after 3 days.

 

I'm saying that the entire relationship has been on HER terms. She NEVER wanted to come over to my place, EVERYTHING we did together was because SHE wanted to do it, I told her last night that I don't want anything to do with her, and if she has anything else to say to me, she can come to MY house and face a much stronger me. One that won't be taking any bull**** and finally understands that she has been a cancer in my life.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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You have to get strong, walk away and not talk to her again

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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You have to get strong, walk away and not talk to her again

 

Exactly.

It's over.

As far as she's (and I'm) concerned, the other has fallen off the face of the earth.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I'm confused. Why were you chasing her after you dumped her? And why were are you allowing her one last response before blocking her on social media? Makes no sense to me.

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Nickr3023 Established Member

Nickr3023

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Sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself and us strangers that you're strong...but your actions prove otherwise. It sounds to me like you're very weak in the mind. And by the way, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think every single person on this forum at one point has been in your same shoes where you're trying to convince yourself and other people that you're a certain way......but if you actually sit down and be honest with yourself, you're realize you're just lying to yourself. It's ok to admit weakness at a time like this. Don't contact her, block her completely, if she finds a way to get a hold of you, ignore it. It's just very very very rare once a relationship goes on a "break" that people live happily ever after. More often than not, if you do end up back together, you go through another honeymoon phase, which is usually shorter than the initial honeymoon phase, and once that's over....the relationship ends so after. I wish you the best of luck, as we're all suffering and dealing with the same battles you are.

mrldii Established Member

mrldii

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I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

 

It's unfortunate that you assume I'm going to say "hey, Whazzup!" because that's what you expect ALL guys do after 3 days.

 

I'm saying that the entire relationship has been on HER terms. She NEVER wanted to come over to my place, EVERYTHING we did together was because SHE wanted to do it, I told her last night that I don't want anything to do with her, and if she has anything else to say to me, she can come to MY house and face a much stronger me. One that won't be taking any bull**** and finally understands that she has been a cancer in my life.

 

Apparently, I understood you better than you did, since you wrote this in your opening post:

 

...I haven't heard a peep from her for 3 days. Today, I decided to text her. "Hey, what's going on?" She says she's fine, whatever. After only a couple of texts, I ask her if I can come over.

 

No response.

 

I call her.

 

No response.

 

A few hours go by, I call her again...

 

 

Hence, my reply.

 

 

As basil indicated (as I had, too), if you're done with her, be done with her. If you're not really done with her, then by all means...continue to initiate contact and/or invite her over to your place.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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OP, I am a woman but my ex-boyfriend was very similar to your ex-girlfriend.

 

The only way it will ever stop is if you stop engaging with her, trying to get her attention, wanting to lash out. And believe me when I say that I understand that the desire to do so is very strong.

 

But in the end it doesn't help. It only prolongs the toxic cycle. Take it from someone who has been in your position and did "take my power bacK" one more time by giving him a verbal lashing. It didn't work, to say the least!

 

Really and truly, the only way to take your power back is to cut her out of your life for good.

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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Thank you all.

 

Day after Christmas, we "broke up," but it seemed as if we were on the same page and ended up hanging out that night.

 

I left thinking that it was over, ended mutually with both parties having no will.

 

2 hours later, she texted me. VERY lovey-dovey. Next few days, VERY cutesy texts, claiming she loved me.

 

New Years Eve, she asked me to spend it with her. She was dressed in a BEAUTIFUL dress, make up on, baked cookies, lit candles, champagne, the whole 9. She REALLY went all out. I showed up in sweats and a t-shirt, not expecting this huge display.

 

I asked her why she was doing all this. Her response: "Things change."

 

That was the last time I'd see her. The lovey-dovey texts continued until she went completely ghost for 3 days. Then yesterday was when I ended it. Rather harshly, but warranted.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Sorry dude, but I'm with the others. You need to go NO CONTACT. I mean, she is dead to you. I mean, come on, dude. She emotionally and physically abused you. And I was going to give you kudos for your last text to her until I read that you said that if she wants to talk, she'll have to go over to YOUR place! I facepalmed there because you just gave her an invitation to come back into your life when it's convenient to her!

 

 

Dude, just be done with her. Ignore her existence. There are tons of girls out there that know how to treat a guy right.

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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Sorry dude, but I'm with the others. You need to go NO CONTACT. I mean, she is dead to you. I mean, come on, dude. She emotionally and physically abused you. And I was going to give you kudos for your last text to her until I read that you said that if she wants to talk, she'll have to go over to YOUR place! I facepalmed there because you just gave her an invitation to come back into your life when it's convenient to her!

 

 

Dude, just be done with her. Ignore her existence. There are tons of girls out there that know how to treat a guy right.

 

I think everyone has the wrong idea.

 

I am completely NC. Have not even had a thought of breaking NC. I got rid of her number, her FB, and we don't follow each other on ANY social media. As far as she's concerned, I no longer exist.

 

The whole "come to my place" is because during the relationship, we were ALWAYS at her house despite my pleading for her to come over and visit. The whole "come to my place" is a power thing -- a "you will do it on my terms" thing. Anything she has to say to me, she can say in front of my roommates (who are VERY anti-her).

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
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The whole "come to my place" is because during the relationship, we were ALWAYS at her house despite my pleading for her to come over and visit. The whole "come to my place" is a power thing -- a "you will do it on my terms" thing. Anything she has to say to me, she can say in front of my roommates (who are VERY anti-her).

 

No dude, I understand and I totally get what you're saying. You view it as a power thing or taking power back. I totally get it. And that's the way YOU view it. All I'm saying is as selfish and self absorbed that SHE is, she probably doesn't view it that way.

 

 

To her, you're leaving the door open. That you WOULD entertain a conversation or even seeing her again. That you're not ready to complete shut her out of your life. That she still has a chance to sink her tender hooks into you again when she gets bored.

 

 

That's all I'm saying.

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lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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No dude, I understand and I totally get what you're saying. You view it as a power thing or taking power back. I totally get it. And that's the way YOU view it. All I'm saying is as selfish and self absorbed that SHE is, she probably doesn't view it that way.

 

 

To her, you're leaving the door open. That you WOULD entertain a conversation or even seeing her again. That you're not ready to complete shut her out of your life. That she still has a chance to sink her tender hooks into you again when she gets bored.

 

 

That's all I'm saying.

 

Ah, I see.

 

Look, I can rationalize this entire situation and say that she is just young and immature, and frankly, I don't even believe that SHE realizes that she was being emotionally abusive (emotional abuse isn't exactly something that is preached in her whole yoga/meditation/study of consciousness lifestyle).

 

I think that's why I sort of relayed the message of leaving the door open, because if I'm going to be COMPLETELY honest, I don't think it was her intention to act this way.

 

With THAT being said, I guarantee you that I will not allow myself to get hurt by her again, and I damn sure as hell won't ever have any sort of relationship with her again. I'm NC ALLLLLLLL the way. I've been through enough relationships to understand that NC is the ONLY way.

Edited by lakerman34
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