Always thinking with my heart. I need to be told the truth to move on..

January 11, 2016

I have always been the type to think with my heart. I want to really move on from my ex and let go of all the hope of him coming back. Every day since we broke up a month ago, I have been hoping for him to come back. I know I shouldn't because of the reasons I am going to provide you below:

1) 2 months into dating, he left his phone in my car. He was getting texts late night from a girl he'd been sexting. He freaked out and begged me to take him back. I did

2) He left his facebook logged into my computer. Again, sexting girls on fb. He even asked a girl to have sex with him to "practice". Reconciled after month 1/2 apart.

3) A friend called me telling me he made out with a girl twice, and even had sex with her while we were reconciling from last muck up. Broke up for 2 months.

4) Lied about the following things when I asked him for the truth: hanging out with girl friends he made on POF, liking girls pictures, direct messaging girls on twitter and IG, flirting with girls, messaging girls behind my back

WHYYY am i holding onto hope??? I need a kick in the a$$!

January 11, 2016

I'll tell you a story. I dated a guy for 7 years. Throughout that time he cheated on me, lied to me, hit me, stole from me, and pretty much did everything horrible that one person could do to another. I took him back time and again. Eventually I finally had enough and booted his ass out. Even after all that I still loved him and a part of me hoped that maybe one day we would get back together even though I knew he was bad news. Over the next 8 months and a lot of heartache and what-ifs my feelings started to fade away and I realized that I deserved better than that until one day I woke up and just didn't care anymore.

Just like you will do if you give yourself the chance. What you're feeling is totally normal so don't beat yourself up over still having feelings for a d-bag. He ran you through a meat grinder and you think that it's somehow because of you or something you did or didn't do. Nope. That's all on him. Some people are just jerks and there's no excuse for them. It will get better and easier. Gotta give it time.

January 11, 2016

Also, that guy I mentioned? He just started texting me again 8 months after our BU. And you know what? I don't care. So, yes, the hope does leave eventually. You just have to want it to.

January 11, 2016

Also, that guy I mentioned? He just started texting me again 8 months after our BU. And you know what? I don't care. So, yes, the hope does leave eventually. You just have to want it to.

Thank you for the reply. It's always comforting to hear of others going through the same thing that I am.

When he contacted you, was he apologetic at all for the way he treated you? Why do you think he contacted you?

January 11, 2016

I am open to anything advice, straight up or nice.

January 11, 2016

I am you 6 years from now. I took mine back, over and over, even though there was similar evidence of cheating. My heart wouldn't let go, though He begged and pleaded and "changed" enough that we actually got married. All was fine for about a year. Then things went downhill, and I found more evidence of cheating - he had probably been doing stuff behind my back our entire relationship. We were married for 4.5 years.

Now a divorce and a year later, I wonder what the hell I ever saw in him and I feel like I wasted 13 years of my life. Instead of crying over the relationship and the loss of him, I cry thinking about the naive, hopeful, loving person I was, blindly giving my affection to someone I shouldn't have even been giving the time of day. I wish I could tell her to get out while she still could.

So I'm telling you instead. There are people out there who are more worthy of your affection. I hope you don't need to go through a broken marriage to find that out.

January 11, 2016

Honestly, the best thing you can do is work on your own confidence and self-esteem. Seriously. This is often the reason we can't seem to let go of these jerks; we don't believe we can do better. I dated a guy like this and I felt so awful about myself, which is when I truly realized I needed to strenghten myself and give myself some awesome goals to look forward to.

I know it sounds cliche, but it helped me tremendously. Doing things for me helped shift my focus away from that toxic pile of horse dung.

January 11, 2016

I am you 6 years from now. I took mine back, over and over, even though there was similar evidence of cheating. My heart wouldn't let go, though He begged and pleaded and "changed" enough that we actually got married. All was fine for about a year. Then things went downhill, and I found more evidence of cheating - he had probably been doing stuff behind my back our entire relationship. We were married for 4.5 years.

Now a divorce and a year later, I wonder what the hell I ever saw in him and I feel like I wasted 13 years of my life. Instead of crying over the relationship and the loss of him, I cry thinking about the naive, hopeful, loving person I was, blindly giving my affection to someone I shouldn't have even been giving the time of day. I wish I could tell her to get out while she still could.

So I'm telling you instead. There are people out there who are more worthy of your affection. I hope you don't need to go through a broken marriage to find that out.

Thank you for your honesty. I'm always wondering why they remain with us for so long if they know they aren't going to stop with their behaviours?

I too cry sometimes because I feel like how could I have loved someone who did me dirty continuously? Did I not have enough self respect for myself?

How did you move past feeling bad about yourself? That's why I posted this thread so I could really get back to myself. I feel as if I am in denial about everything he did to me..

January 11, 2016

Honestly, the best thing you can do is work on your own confidence and self-esteem. Seriously. This is often the reason we can't seem to let go of these jerks; we don't believe we can do better. I dated a guy like this and I felt so awful about myself, which is when I truly realized I needed to strenghten myself and give myself some awesome goals to look forward to.

I know it sounds cliche, but it helped me tremendously. Doing things for me helped shift my focus away from that toxic pile of horse dung.

This is what I'm struggling with now, just getting back to myself. I have been trying though and am very proud of my progress, I still feel awful. And I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my ex boyfriend ended the relationship with me because of an argument. I gave him so many chances to improve because I took him back each time, and because of one argument, he didn't want to go to couples counselling and he just went cold saying he was done.

January 11, 2016

Thank you for your honesty. I'm always wondering why they remain with us for so long if they know they aren't going to stop with their behaviours?

Mine was manipulating me because he wanted his cake and to eat it, too. I cooked the food, paid the bills, cleaned the house - I made life comfortable for us. Why would he give that up? He had all he wanted except he wasn't getting as much sex from me as he wanted, so he got what he wanted on the sly from people outside our relationship.

Also, since I forgave him on repeated occasions, I'm pretty sure he just expected me to always forgive him and take him back. You should have seen the stupid look on his face when he knew I was really never coming back. Dumbfounded. He didn't say it to me, but he said it to other people "I expected there to be a confrontation. She didn't yell at me or argue with me about this. She just left. Why didn't she talk to me about this before she just moved out?" Because at this point, what was there to talk about? Hear the same empty promises? Forgive him just to have him do it AGAIN? Hell no.

He clearly expected he could talk his way out of it before, so he could talk his way out of it again (in actuality, he never talked his way out of it, I chose of my own volition to forgive and take him back out of my own sheer stupidity).

I too cry sometimes because I feel like how could I have loved someone who did me dirty continuously? Did I not have enough self respect for myself?

How did you move past feeling bad about yourself? That's why I posted this thread so I could really get back to myself. I feel as if I am in denial about everything he did to me..

It took a lot of ruminating on the horrible things he did to actually make myself feel better. I thought of all the good things that he ruined. I looked at photos where we were smiling at parties and remembered the fights we had right before the pics were taken. I thought of all the things I did to try to improve myself and our relationship. And tried to count up all the things he did to try to improve himself or our relationship - the count was extremely lopsided. I'm pretty sure with the cheating, he was in the negatives.

I compared his behavior to my own behavior. Would I ever treat someone else that way? Would I ever say those mean things? Would I ever let someone else treat me the way that he did? If I saw someone treating someone else this way in front of me, what would I think? If someone was treating my siblings like this, how would I feel? What would my mother think if she knew the whole story?

I pampered myself. Eating foods that I wanted, new exercise routine, making sleep a priority. I watched things that made me laugh or lightened my mood. I sang karaoke and had girlz nightz

I also did the NC thing as best as I could, though I needed to be in some communication for the divorce stuff. Being cut off from his influence, it helped me to rediscover things that I had lost or forgotten about myself. Like I love going to plays and the theater, and he never liked to go. I love sewing and creating things with my hands, and all he ever saw was the mess I made making stuff. I also spent a lot of time with my friends, who helped me to remember things about myself that I'd forgotten. They were also very willing to share all the reasons why they had hated him the whole time and only put up with him because I loved him.

It takes time... For me I think it happened quicker because that last time I caught him cheating, I felt like my love for him just snapped. Like a busted guitar string, there was no putting it back together. There was just picking myself up, dusting myself off, and vowing to never let someone treat me this poorly again.

January 13, 2016

I was you-and I'm a guy.

Did the same thing you did-looked the other way when I shouldn't have. Forgave. And you know what? They are not going to change even though we want them to soooo bad. Mans even if they were to change look what we had to put up with?

I think you and I built them up and placed them on a pedestal when they weren't worthy of it in the first place. We blinded are selves so to speak.

January 13, 2016

And to answer your question:They remain with us because we tolerate the bs. And in all honesty they aren't really with us-they have one foot out the door-they just haven't found a suitable replacement in their eyes.

January 13, 2016

I was in exactly the same situation. Me and my ex's were a perfect couple. But he ruined everything out of blue, dumped me and started to act like a jerk not caring about my hurt feelings at all. But I remembered good times. I was obsessed with the idea that he just got tired at work and he was missing me as we really were soulmates. Actually I still believe that we are soulmates. And I do miss him. On the new year's I felt bad. I was struggling with my internal demons thinking if I should text him. We were going to celebrate this new year's together as an engaged couple. So I felt bad on December 31st. On January 1st, I had no time to think about him as I was celebrating new year's with my friends and then with my family. On January 2nd I woke up and thought "What's the point?". I understood that he doesn't think about me, doesn't try to reach out to me. So why should I? Yes, I think about him and memories popup in my head, but now all pain that tore apart my soul has been faiding away. It's not me, it's him who neglected me, who ruined everything that seemed to be built for good. One day he will look back and understand that he lost real happiness, but I will be happy with someone else then.

Wish you to be happy.

January 13, 2016

I was in exactly the same situation. Me and my ex's were a perfect couple. But he ruined everything out of blue, dumped me and started to act like a jerk not caring about my hurt feelings at all. But I remembered good times. I was obsessed with the idea that he just got tired at work and he was missing me as we really were soulmates. Actually I still believe that we are soulmates. And I do miss him. On the new year's I felt bad. I was struggling with my internal demons thinking if I should text him. We were going to celebrate this new year's together as an engaged couple. So I felt bad on December 31st. On January 1st, I had no time to think about him as I was celebrating new year's with my friends and then with my family. On January 2nd I woke up and thought "What's the point?". I understood that he doesn't think about me, doesn't try to reach out to me. So why should I? Yes, I think about him and memories popup in my head, but now all pain that tore apart my soul has been faiding away. It's not me, it's him who neglected me, who ruined everything that seemed to be built for good. One day he will look back and understand that he lost real happiness, but I will be happy with someone else then.

Wish you to be happy.

I am soooo sorry that this happened to you. I feel your pain, and I am glad that you are starting to feel better. I was with the woman of my dreams (then again me and her are both kind of young being in our early twenties). We've had a bumpy road breaking up three times (first time for a night, second for 4 months, and currently roughly 2 weeks), all of our break ups stemmed from her becoming confused, most recent being her confused about her viewing me as her boyfriend and best friend. Every time we broke up was started by her and then she came back. Normally we had a fantastic relationship, no fighting and always having fun together, and everything else that makes putting your heart on the line worth it. Thank you for putting into perspective that we must view it as them losing us and that we were the ones neglected. Keep pushing through and I'll be doing the same

January 13, 2016

I am soooo sorry that this happened to you. I feel your pain, and I am glad that you are starting to feel better. I was with the woman of my dreams (then again me and her are both kind of young being in our early twenties). We've had a bumpy road breaking up three times (first time for a night, second for 4 months, and currently roughly 2 weeks), all of our break ups stemmed from her becoming confused, most recent being her confused about her viewing me as her boyfriend and best friend. Every time we broke up was started by her and then she came back. Normally we had a fantastic relationship, no fighting and always having fun together, and everything else that makes putting your heart on the line worth it. Thank you for putting into perspective that we must view it as them losing us and that we were the ones neglected. Keep pushing through and I'll be doing the same

Thank you for your understanding. I wish you the very best. I know you on the way of healing. She lost a great guy.

January 14, 2016

I was you-and I'm a guy.
Did the same thing you did-looked the other way when I shouldn't have. Forgave. And you know what? They are not going to change even though we want them to soooo bad. Mans even if they were to change look what we had to put up with?
I think you and I built them up and placed them on a pedestal when they weren't worthy of it in the first place. We blinded are selves so to speak.

Its funny that you mention pedestal. He always used to ask me why I ever placed him on a pedestal and why I remained with him. It was almost as if he had one foot out like you said, but never wanted to actually leave until he had gotten everything he possibly could.

I'm really glad that I started this thread because lately I have been looking the other way again and reading all these responses is making me remember what he did to me.

In your case, did your ex ever reach out to you after NC just to apologize? I don't know if I'm looking for reconciliation, but the thought of him reaching out out and really apologizing for everything ego aside would be really nice

January 14, 2016

I was in exactly the same situation. Me and my ex's were a perfect couple. But he ruined everything out of blue, dumped me and started to act like a jerk not caring about my hurt feelings at all. But I remembered good times. I was obsessed with the idea that he just got tired at work and he was missing me as we really were soulmates. Actually I still believe that we are soulmates. And I do miss him. On the new year's I felt bad. I was struggling with my internal demons thinking if I should text him. We were going to celebrate this new year's together as an engaged couple. So I felt bad on December 31st. On January 1st, I had no time to think about him as I was celebrating new year's with my friends and then with my family. On January 2nd I woke up and thought "What's the point?". I understood that he doesn't think about me, doesn't try to reach out to me. So why should I? Yes, I think about him and memories popup in my head, but now all pain that tore apart my soul has been faiding away. It's not me, it's him who neglected me, who ruined everything that seemed to be built for good. One day he will look back and understand that he lost real happiness, but I will be happy with someone else then.

Wish you to be happy.

I too was also going through the demons of texting him on NYE and I did, but he didn't reciprocate much. So I dont know, for some reason it kind of helped me because I thought, ok i guess it really is over?

But sometimes I do need external advice about why I shouldn't go back to him and why I should move and why I deserve better..

January 14, 2016

Thank you for your understanding. I wish you the very best. I know you on the way of healing. She lost a great guy.

I know there's no timeline, but really, when do they realize?? When it's too late? When you've moved on? I think the only thing my ex realized is how much he was hurting me and decided it was much easier to leave the relationship, than to fix himself or attend couples counselling with me since we were together for 5 years...

January 14, 2016

I know there's no timeline, but really, when do they realize?? When it's too late? When you've moved on? I think the only thing my ex realized is how much he was hurting me and decided it was much easier to leave the relationship, than to fix himself or attend couples counselling with me since we were together for 5 years...

Believe me, if I knew answers to your questions, I wouldn't have been on this site. I guess if people hurt others, they are immature as people who are real grownups would never allow themselves to treat people in a bad way.

As for my situation, it's been 7 months and my ex hasn't understood that he broke me. And it hurts. The only difference is that I feel more distant from all pain I felt some time ago. Even now I don't know if I could ever trust people, but I feel like I could try. Everything will be different now because of this experience, but I need to live better life as nobody will ever bring my time back.

January 14, 2016

I guess there are really two fundamental questions on the table, right?

1) Why does your heart pull you in one direction when your mind knows with certainty that what your heart wants is bad for you?

and

2) Why can't that other person be who we want them to be?

#2 is much easier to answer. We can't even understand our own behavior, much less anybody else's. For all you know, he has a similar conflict going on in his mind. Why do I keep bouncing back to her when I know I don't want her? But more importantly, does it really matter why? Would it make you feel better to know they hear voices in their head, or that somebody is paying them to drive you nuts? No! It doesn't matter WHY, it only matters WHAT THEY DO.

Which brings us to #1. The heart is honest, but it lies to you. Why do you pine for someone who doesn't treat you the way you want? Because that's the nature of initial attraction. It's not real picky, it likes who it likes. That you can see it and know you don't like it means that you're in the beginning of the end. The force of attraction is losing strength. It's difficult for you because it's not completely gone, and your heart is willing to forgive, forget and suspend belief in exchange for just one more "fix". Your heart is actually a part of your brain acting like a drug addict. It takes a while to retrain yourself, to shut down that neural pathway.

Forget about trying to explain him. Focus on yourself. When you get these urges, think of yourself by looking at yourself as if you're a third party, like from the outside. Imagine the facial expressions and see the pathetic behavior in action. It's amazing how this helps. Exercise works the same kind of magic, especially running.

Good luck!

January 14, 2016

Here's what happened. She broke up with me and 5 days latter was dating an ex boyfriend.

Did no contact. A month latter she contacts me and wants to talk. I agree-which you will see was a huge mistake.

During our talk she states to me how great I was and how much she misses me and she's SO SORRY. I eat it up and we get back together. For about a month she is always texting me and telling me how lucky she is to have me.

Then about 2 months latter-BAM!!! She becomes distant. Doesn't text as much.

Then she tells me I'm too good for her so she's breaking up with me.

Funny how it's after the holidays in which I paid for nearly everything.

The point is I'm not saying the two of you can't get back together-mAybe you can but you have to be soooo careful because they might want you back because plan B didn't work out.

As far as an apology-he's going to tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. More then likely it won't be a real apology.

January 15, 2016

It's crazy how much I relate with all the stories in this thread. It truly gives me more strength realizing that there are people who are going through the same. My rollercoaster relationship was 8-9 years with 4 breakups, the latest being a week ago. It was the same, me doing everything I could for the relationship, believing in it, using my heart to make decisions, being dropped like a hot potato, him begging. You all know how it goes. I know it's going to take a lot of strength to get past it all because we don't stop loving them immediately. We just need to constantly remind ourselves that we deserve the best, that there IS someone better than these people, and that we are worth the very same thing we were putting into those relationships. The mere fact that we could give all that love means that there are others out there would give the same love back. Lets not settle for less. Sending you all positive vibes for the future.

January 16, 2016

I don't know why you are putting up with this? But I do understand from my own break up and heart that love makes us do stupid things.

You are holding onto hope because you keep letting him back. You aren't doing what most posters on here will say or do, no contact. You have to break the connection. A clean cut. If not, it appears you will never move on. You will always be his other girl and nothing more.

You need to look at yourself through his point of view, also from the point of view of his friends and family. Take a good look. Look at this girl who puts up with this stuff. The girl who has been pushed over and sh-*ed on. Who doesn't have any self respec or self worth. Think of what he says about you to his friends and family. Look at their point of view of how they see you. Weak. Pathetic.

I know this is totally harsh and I personally don't wish any of this on you or think this. BUT this is the type of mean types of conversation you need to have in your head. You need to see the bad side of this and the bad side of yourself.

I had to do this. Out of pride, ego, self respect I never contacted her again. Been 5 months now. I had my moments to text or send a letter. When I did, I pictured her reading my letter, laughing, thinking I'm pathetic, weak, telling her friends about the letter, them laughing, letting others read it. Etc... I'm not the type of person who cares what others think but on this I did. That kept me from going back.

Just stay away from him. No contact. Heal. Move on.

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Always thinking with my heart. I need to be told the truth to move on..

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