Amelie1980 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 He already told me not to worry about it, but I've been thinking since then and I don't think so not after the way he spoke to me. He would never apologise anyway because he thinks he can do what he likes, he's already told me it's not my business. he is telling you not to worry about it? So does the situation exist that he thinks you are in the wrong and he is willing to let it go? The hell with that. He has spoken to you rudely, disrespected you, has not apologized and he is telling you not to worry. 2
Maggie4 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Why is it weird ? I've been thinking about it for the last 8 hours. I won't let anyone talk to me like that no matter how much I like them. If he would have asked me that I would have never been that cruel to him. It's weird to someone following it from the original post because this thing kind of evolved to a different nature while you think about it the last 8 hours. You said sorry to him, and he said that's ok. And now you are angry, saying you won't let anyone talk to you that way. Yes, all valid. But it makes you appear unpredictable to him. That's why I advised you to not act impulsively. In case, JUST in case, you get back together, this kind of 180 is a red flag for some men.
bathtub-row Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 It's weird to someone following it from the original post because this thing kind of evolved to a different nature while you think about it the last 8 hours. You said sorry to him, and he said that's ok. And now you are angry, saying you won't let anyone talk to you that way. Yes, all valid. But it makes you appear unpredictable to him. That's why I advised you to not act impulsively. In case, JUST in case, you get back together, this kind of 180 is a red flag for some men. I think her initial reaction to what he said to her was to be apologetic. Obviously, the whole thing bothered her, which is why she came here. I'm sure after reading all the comments, her suspicions were confirmed that he really should not have said that to her. Who cares what he thinks about her reaction? All she needs to say is that after thinking about it, she feels that his remark to her was excessively rude and it's not something she's willing to overlook. End of story. 3
Author Aisling.25 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 It's weird to someone following it from the original post because this thing kind of evolved to a different nature while you think about it the last 8 hours. You said sorry to him, and he said that's ok. And now you are angry, saying you won't let anyone talk to you that way. Yes, all valid. But it makes you appear unpredictable to him. That's why I advised you to not act impulsively. In case, JUST in case, you get back together, this kind of 180 is a red flag for some men. Yeah it's exactly it ,nobody has ever been that mean to me so I didn't know how to react. We won't be seeing each other again. However close we might have been is now ruined. I'll never able to be comfortable with him again. 4
lolablue17 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) You feel hurt, but i advice you not to rush. First, you may have stepped on a sensitive issue for him, and he responded bad. He may think twice and appologize for hurting you, that means he is sorry. Second, You can wait few more hours. if he doesn't appologize, don't just disappear. Call him and calmly explain that you believe that both of you should have the right to raise freely any matter, and you will never allow anyone to shut your mouth like that with the "It's none of your business". You are hurt and it seems that you and him are not a good match. So you say goodby. By that you act reasonably, and let him to understand he made a mistake, and allow him to fix this by regreting and appologizing. If he chooses not to, then Ok, you can't educate him, you're not his mother. But at least you gave him a chance. Edited January 11, 2016 by lolablue17 2
Maggie4 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Yeah it's exactly it ,nobody has ever been that mean to me so I didn't know how to react. We won't be seeing each other again. However close we might have been is now ruined. I'll never able to be comfortable with him again. Fair enough. I'd be the last person to second guess your decision. You know all the details, so only you can decide, on your own.
Buddhist Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 We were getting on so well and now I feel like it's ruined. I have to say, if your relationship is so insecure that it's ruined by a simple question then you should be questioning the whole thing yourself.
Empyrea Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread so maybe you already have, but do you mind specifying what you said in your original text to him? Because, for example, while you asking him whether or not he was seeing other girls is perfectly valid, if you somehow implied that him following other girls on instagram was inappropriate or indicative of him sleeping with others, then frankly I'd be a little miffed too. Yes, his response did "sound" a little harsh, but bear in mind that this was a text conversation.. any kind of tone or attitude is only implied by choice of words and our own projection of what we expect to hear... So if you should choose to dump him over THIS or even block him without any explanation then frankly, I fear that you'd come across as the one in the wrong here. If I were him and you did that, I'd think that I really dodged a crazy bullet. The mature thing to do here is wait until you see him in person and have an honest conversation about it. Saying sth like.. that you were a little surprised at how harsh his response was and that you only wanted to know where you stood, but that it was probably wrong to bring it up over text.. etc. 1
RedRobin Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I am going to take a different tack than the free love crowd. If you are having sex with someone, it's totally your business if the other person is dating or sleeping around. It's the job of the person who is not dating in good faith to be the upfront one here... But since it is so rare that those people ARE upfront about their behavior, you have to learn how to protect yourself. Also, you have nothing to be ashamed about if you are looking for a relationship. Total BS and upside down that people call that insecure or lacking self esteem. To me, the people who are insecure and lacking self esteem are the ones who have to have ten nets in the pond for fear of losing one fish and can't bring themselves to focus on one person for even a handful of dates. Crazy. All that said... I am not a fan of texting. For anything. You will have a much easier time sorting out the liars and users if you make a habit of only dating and having sex with men you have gotten to know face to face where you can read their body language. On the other hand, it is sometimes useful to out them, like this guy. You deserve better than this. Dump this guy. 2
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 You feel hurt, but i advice you not to rush. First, you may have stepped on a sensitive issue for him, and he responded bad. He may think twice and appologize for hurting you, that means he is sorry. Second, You can wait few more hours. if he doesn't appologize, don't just disappear. Call him and calmly explain that you believe that both of you should have the right to raise freely any matter, and you will never allow anyone to shut your mouth like that with the "It's none of your business". You are hurt and it seems that you and him are not a good match. So you say goodby. By that you act reasonably, and let him to understand he made a mistake, and allow him to fix this by regreting and appologizing. If he chooses not to, then Ok, you can't educate him, you're not his mother. But at least you gave him a chance. Would you recommend the same steps if he had given her a slap in the face? to me being told 'it is not of your business' is the equivalent of a slap in the face. Abusers apologize all the time and do it again all the time too. Abusers also have in common that they minimize what they have done and that is exactly what this man did after telling her it was none of her business, he told her to 'not worry about it'. He minimized what he did and by the same time he dismissed how offensive his words where. 6
truth_seeker Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks and all I texted him was I the only one he was seeing. I didn't mean it as anything bad or I wasn't being pushy, I just saw he follows random girls on insta so I thought maybe I wasn't the only one. Even if he said he was seeing someone else it wouldn't have really been an issue because we haven't discussed what we are. So he sent me a big message saying in this time it's none of my business who he follows or what girls he speaks too at this time. I am really hurt by his message because I honestly wasn't being pushy I just wanted to ask. We've started sleeping together so I thought it was moving towards something, I said sorry and he told me not to worry about. But tbh now I feel like crap and no one has ever been that mean to me I suppose. And in didn't mean it the way he thinks I did I suppose I didn't think. Did I have a right to ask him or should I have kept my mouth shut? We were getting on so well and now I feel like it's ruined. Guy is an a-hole. Sounds like the type who is abusive. Ditch him now. 2
RedRobin Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 You feel hurt, but i advice you not to rush. First, you may have stepped on a sensitive issue for him, and he responded bad. He may think twice and appologize for hurting you, that means he is sorry. Second, You can wait few more hours. if he doesn't appologize, don't just disappear. Call him and calmly explain that you believe that both of you should have the right to raise freely any matter, and you will never allow anyone to shut your mouth like that with the "It's none of your business". You are hurt and it seems that you and him are not a good match. So you say goodby. By that you act reasonably, and let him to understand he made a mistake, and allow him to fix this by regreting and appologizing. If he chooses not to, then Ok, you can't educate him, you're not his mother. But at least you gave him a chance. I don't see why she needs to be bending over backwards. He was rude. He is seeing other women or at least trying to see other women when he told her he wasn't. Jeez, it's the same old advice to women... Be meek, be apologetic, make excuses for the guy. And if that's not bad enough, we have the free love crowd all in for non exclusive sex telling her she's weak for wanting and expecting a relationship with a guy she's had sex with.... AND when he told her he wasn't seeing anyone else. I dunno. What's the definition of NOT SEEING someone else to you folks? At which point do you cut off men for being rude and a liar? Christ... 7
truth_seeker Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Jeez, it's the same old advice to women... Be meek, be apologetic, make excuses for the guy. And if that's not bad enough, we have the free love crowd all in for non exclusive sex telling her she's weak for wanting and expecting a relationship with a guy she's had sex with.... AND when he told her he wasn't seeing anyone else. Who and where are these women who give loser men all the attention and chances in the world? All I come across are gold-diggers and stuck-up b-tches.
katiegrl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Who and where are these women who give loser men all the attention and chances in the world? All I come across are gold-diggers and stuck-up b-tches. Read more threads created by women..... Since you are a man, I understand the impulse and desire to read more threads from men who are going through same thing you are, but if you read enough threads and posts from women .....you will see women struggle too....in a different way .....but still struggle big time nevertheless. With men who are losers, douchebags, liars, players, fading, ghosting etc! 5
kendahke Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 OP, before this all blew to hell, did you both agree you were in a relationship or was this a FWB/casual/sex buddy thing?
Toodaloo Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 It's definitely made me see him in a different way. I honestly thought we were friends so I could ask. I just didn't expect his reaction to be so mean. Look on the bright side - at least you know now rather than later when its too late! Good luck. Remember you have to snog a few frogs before you find a prince 1
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Aisling Throughout your posts I read you mixing up apples & oranges. You had sex with a man before you discussed exclusivity. You then called him your friend. Let's work on the vocabulary first: friends are platonic no physical interactions people. The minute you & this guy kissed you were no longer just friends. When you use the word friend you confuse things because you are using the word incorrectly. Once you had sex with him you were lovers. If you want exclusivity, the smart play is to have the exclusivity discussion before sex. Now to the heart of the issue. Of course you were entitled to ask about his other partners / lovers. Once you had sex with him, his behavior has the ability to affect your health so you are entitled to the info. There was nothing wrong with you asking & don't you dare sell yourself short by thinking you did something wrong in asking. Because you are not exclusive, he is free to see, talk to & have sex with anybody he wants. However, his choice to respond to your inquiry about his behavior with rudeness rather than kindness & sensitivity should be a deal breaker. Nobody deserves to be told it's none of their business. There were a lot of ways he could have handled this better. His failure to exercise common courtesy would cause me to cut him out of my life. Going forward you need to ascertain what you want before hitting the sheets. It will save a lot of heartbreak on your part. 4
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Aisling Throughout your posts I read you mixing up apples & oranges. You had sex with a man before you discussed exclusivity. You then called him your friend. Let's work on the vocabulary first: friends are platonic no physical interactions people. The minute you & this guy kissed you were no longer just friends. When you use the word friend you confuse things because you are using the word incorrectly. Once you had sex with him you were lovers. If you want exclusivity, the smart play is to have the exclusivity discussion before sex. Now to the heart of the issue. Of course you were entitled to ask about his other partners / lovers. Once you had sex with him, his behavior has the ability to affect your health so you are entitled to the info. There was nothing wrong with you asking & don't you dare sell yourself short by thinking you did something wrong in asking. Because you are not exclusive, he is free to see, talk to & have sex with anybody he wants. However, his choice to respond to your inquiry about his behavior with rudeness rather than kindness & sensitivity should be a deal breaker. Nobody deserves to be told it's none of their business. There were a lot of ways he could have handled this better. His failure to exercise common courtesy would cause me to cut him out of my life. Going forward you need to ascertain what you want before hitting the sheets. It will save a lot of heartbreak on your part. The heart of the problem is his rudeness. OP did not come on here to ask about what is appropriate to ask or not. His offensiveness was unjustified. She is not a stranger. She is a woman he has been dating and were intimate with. He was rude and condescending. 1
lolablue17 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) Would you recommend the same steps if he had given her a slap in the face? to me being told 'it is not of your business' is the equivalent of a slap in the face. You have a point! How she should react if he had killed all her family, and after that had exploded an atomic bomb that has destroyed half of the continent? Edited January 11, 2016 by lolablue17 1
truth_seeker Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Read more threads created by women..... Since you are a man, I understand the impulse and desire to read more threads from men who are going through same thing you are, but if you read enough threads and posts from women .....you will see women struggle too....in a different way .....but still struggle big time nevertheless. With men who are losers, douchebags, liars, players, fading, ghosting etc! You're actually wrong. There's no impulse or desire to read more threads by men. I like reading all threads, especially the ones where the subject matter intrigues me. I know women struggle. The problem for everyone is you have people with different agenda's when dating. Everyone wants to be in love, spend their life with their soulmate. Problem is everyone keeps mixing and matching with the wrong people along the way that causes of this pain and heartache. 1
katiegrl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 You're actually wrong. There's no impulse or desire to read more threads by men. I like reading all threads, especially the ones where the subject matter intrigues me. I know women struggle. The problem for everyone is you have people with different agenda's when dating. Everyone wants to be in love, spend their life with their soulmate. Problem is everyone keeps mixing and matching with the wrong people along the way that causes of this pain and heartache. I agree with this^^. Which very much differs from what you posted earlier ...... about how all you see are women being goddiggers or bytches. Both genders have struggles! 1
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Everyone wants to be in love, spend their life with their soulmate. Problem is everyone keeps mixing and matching with the wrong people along the way that causes of this pain and heartache. Yes but.... The only way to know if someone is not a good match to you is to spend time with them. It's the only way. I'd say OP is seeing this man's true face. It was a faux pas on his part but is it a faux pas that she should forgive? no. I've made some faux pas in my dating history and I was never replied with: it's not your business. 2
truth_seeker Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I agree with this^^. Which very much differs from what you posted earlier ...... about how all you see are women being goddiggers or bytches. Both genders have struggles! I have to correct you on something, unless I'm not understanding how you phrased it. I do not see all women as gold diggers and b-tches. I am encountering these types compared to how OP and other women are pining over loser men. Something else I'd like to add: I had a relative who always complained about all the men she meets and dates are losers. I got to know one of the guys she dated and I though he was a good guy. After awhile the pattern of her meeting "losers" didn't add up. I realized she was the problem, not so much the men. Did she meet some losers? Probably... but to say EVERY guy she met or dated was a loser is so off base and inaccurate. Sometimes people put blame on others (she's a b-tch... he's a loser) to cover up their own insecurities and not face the truth: It's you, not them.
katiegrl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I have to correct you on something, unless I'm not understanding how you phrased it. I do not see all women as gold diggers and b-tches. I am encountering these types compared to how OP and other women are pining over loser men. Something else I'd like to add: I had a relative who always complained about all the men she meets and dates are losers. I got to know one of the guys she dated and I though he was a good guy. After awhile the pattern of her meeting "losers" didn't add up. I realized she was the problem, not so much the men. Did she meet some losers? Probably... but to say EVERY guy she met or dated was a loser is so off base and inaccurate. Sometimes people put blame on others (she's a b-tch... he's a loser) to cover up their own insecurities and not face truth: It's you, not them. Gaeta, did you mean to respond to me? Cuz no, *I* did not say women were goddiggers and bytches. I would never! Truth Seeker did in his earlier post, which I **disagreed** with....then he posted again and I agreed with his second post in which he acknowledged that women do struggle. I also agree with you that not all men are losers, etc. Therecate many good men out there too! The point I was trying to make is that both genders struggle in dating, and both genders make mistakes too.... Hope that clarifies.
truth_seeker Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Yes but.... The only way to know if someone is not a good match to you is to spend time with them. It's the only way. Agree. I'd say OP is seeing this man's true face. It was a faux pas on his part but is it a faux pas that she should forgive? no. I've made some faux pas in my dating history and I was never replied with: it's not your business. I absolutely agree.
Recommended Posts