He told me it's none of my business if he speaks to other women

January 11, 2016

Here, I will help you with a reply text:

"Please do not contact me again."

January 11, 2016

Btw, did you tell him you saw that he's following random girls on insta?

That might well spook him, and his rude reaction is actually him writing you off for good. Guys hate women checking on them. You can check if you want, but don't tell him, ha ha.

January 11, 2016

I didn't know what to do when he said it to me I never expected that reaction. He told me I was the only one he was seeing but his obviously keeping his options open. He said we're no where near that stage where we can talk about that.

Wait, I'm so confused. If he told you that you were the only one he was seeing then why did you ask the question (again).

I don't think either of you is being honest with each other. You feel the need to stalk because you don't trust him and question him more than once--probably because he is not acting like a guy who is only seeing you. I can see why someone would get defensive about that: if he was telling the truth and you are the only one he is seeing, it's annoying to have people check up on you and create drama 3 weeks in. If he's lying, he's being defensive and doesn't want you prying.

People do lie of course. Probably why it's a good idea to go a bit slower and have a better handle on who he is before you decide to commit more of yourself to him. You find out about people in smaller increments typically. And vice versa: he finds out about you. Let's assume he is telling the truth for a minute (i don't know one way or another): either you trust him or you don't. You don't keep checking up on him and then make him reassure you. I wouldn't have reacted the same way wording wise that if someone I was dating was checking up on me, I would hate it and be pretty defensive of it. You just need to decide to date or not to date. I'm hardly saying this guy is a saint. We can't control his behavior. You're the only one here asking for advice so it's important to help you with stuff that you could have done better, differently. You can't control him. You can only decide in your gut if you think he is being truthful or not. If you think he is not being truthful, just dump him. I do think if he said to you that he's only dating you that he's more obligated in whatever you have. Here's the thing: the time you asked the first time, he could have been telling the truth. Stating a fact is different than choosing to only date you. Maybe that's what happened.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Versacehottie

January 11, 2016

Wait, I'm so confused. If he told you that you were the only one he was seeing then why did you ask the question (again).

I don't think either of you is being honest with each other. You feel the need to stalk because you don't trust him and question him more than once--probably because he is not acting like a guy who is only seeing you. I can see why someone would get defensive about that: if he was telling the truth and you are the only one he is seeing, it's annoying to have people check up on you and create drama 3 weeks in. If he's lying, he's being defensive and doesn't want you prying.

People do lie of course. Probably why it's a good idea to go a bit slower and have a better handle on who he is before you decide to commit more of yourself to him. You find out about people in smaller increments typically. And vice versa: he finds out about you. Let's assume he is telling the truth for a minute (i don't know one way or another): either you trust him or you don't. You don't keep checking up on him and then make him reassure you. I wouldn't have reacted the same way wording wise that if someone I was dating was checking up on me, I would hate it and be pretty defensive of it. You just need to decide to date or not to date. I'm hardly saying this guy is a saint. We can't control his behavior. You're the only one here asking for advice so it's important to help you with stuff that you could have done better, differently. You can't control him. You can only decide in your gut if you think he is being truthful or not. If you think he is not being truthful, just dump him. I do think if he said to you that he's only dating you that he's more obligated in whatever you have. Here's the thing: the time you asked the first time, he could have been telling the truth. Stating a fact is different than choosing to only date you. Maybe that's what happened.

This is the reason I was defending him somewhat. There had to be something else about it that evoked that kind of response. I mentioned timing. She's only known him 3 weeks, he told her already he was only seeing her, and she asked him again in what had to be a very short period of time and so her insecurities and neediness set him off. He could have been nicer about it, but I do get he might be irritated.

January 11, 2016

OP, I must say that your lack of anger toward this guy is very concerning. Any self-respecting girl would not think twice about being treated in such a way by anyone. I hope you'll think about this and understand that unless you learn to expect to be respected, you're a dead-on target for abusive men.

This guy is a complete jerk and I hope you dump him fast. This has nothing to do with the two of you not wanting the same things. It has to do with you not involving yourself with a man who behaves in such a way. There is nothing to discuss with him on this matter, and there's nothing forgive. Just walk away. He has shown you what he's made of and it isn't even close to being impressive.

I agree with the others -- going forward, asking personal questions like that should be done in person, not via text. Still, this does not in any way excuse his reaction.

January 11, 2016

Wait, I'm so confused. If he told you that you were the only one he was seeing then why did you ask the question (again).

I don't think either of you is being honest with each other. You feel the need to stalk because you don't trust him and question him more than once--probably because he is not acting like a guy who is only seeing you. I can see why someone would get defensive about that: if he was telling the truth and you are the only one he is seeing, it's annoying to have people check up on you and create drama 3 weeks in. If he's lying, he's being defensive and doesn't want you prying.

People do lie of course. Probably why it's a good idea to go a bit slower and have a better handle on who he is before you decide to commit more of yourself to him. You find out about people in smaller increments typically. And vice versa: he finds out about you. Let's assume he is telling the truth for a minute (i don't know one way or another): either you trust him or you don't. You don't keep checking up on him and then make him reassure you. I wouldn't have reacted the same way wording wise that if someone I was dating was checking up on me, I would hate it and be pretty defensive of it. You just need to decide to date or not to date. I'm hardly saying this guy is a saint. We can't control his behavior. You're the only one here asking for advice so it's important to help you with stuff that you could have done better, differently. You can't control him. You can only decide in your gut if you think he is being truthful or not. If you think he is not being truthful, just dump him. I do think if he said to you that he's only dating you that he's more obligated in whatever you have. Here's the thing: the time you asked the first time, he could have been telling the truth. Stating a fact is different than choosing to only date you. Maybe that's what happened.

Because when I asked him was I the only one he was seeing he replied ''yep you are why '' So I explained to him why I had doubts which I probably shouldn't off. But I thought we were friends and I could ask him anything.

And then he replied its none of my business. So when I said I didn't mean it like the way he thinks I did he said haha don't worry about it u and that we're not here the stage of a relationship yet. I only asked because I was curious because we have been sleeping together I suppose I just wanted to make sure I was protected in that way as well. I just didn't expect him to be that aggressive with me . I wasn't trying to push him into something I suppose I didn't think it would be a big deal . And I probably should of said it in person but I honestly felt it was just a casual question.

January 11, 2016

Lesson learned, OP...if sexual monogamy is important to you, don't have sex until it's firmly established that it's a mutually monogamous relationship and he's not dangling his reel in the waters just in case a bigger, brighter fish jumps on his line.

January 11, 2016

This is the reason I was defending him somewhat. There had to be something else about it that evoked that kind of response. I mentioned timing. She's only known him 3 weeks, he told her already he was only seeing her, and she asked him again in what had to be a very short period of time and so her insecurities and neediness set him off. He could have been nicer about it, but I do get he might be irritated.

well yeah, something isn't flowing smoothly. She is getting a player vibe from him. Where she never really believed him about not dating anyone else that's why she is noticing every random girl on his instagram and was catalyst to ask again. So basically she ignored previous vibes about him and proceeded and slept with him anyway. OR she is generally insecure and needs reassurance and is pushing the issue with him in spite of what he said and regular friends on instagram but that she cannot explain so she gets jealous. Neither of those positions are coming from a self-assured place, so unfortunately she is already at a loss.

Not blaming OP entirely but you can only control your part and use good judgement and set your own boundaries. You cannot ignore your boundaries and judgement hoping everything will work out and try to control or spy on the other person for reassurance that you SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN UP FRONT from anyone you are dating. That's the lesson. People will do what they do, lie, cheat, be tempted. You need to manage your end of how you protect yourself from it.

January 11, 2016

well yeah, something isn't flowing smoothly. She is getting a player vibe from him. Where she never really believed him about not dating anyone else that's why she is noticing every random girl on his instagram and was catalyst to ask again. So basically she ignored previous vibes about him and proceeded and slept with him anyway. OR she is generally insecure and needs reassurance and is pushing the issue with him in spite of what he said and regular friends on instagram but that she cannot explain so she gets jealous. Neither of those positions are coming from a self-assured place, so unfortunately she is already at a loss.

Not blaming OP entirely but you can only control your part and use good judgement and set your own boundaries. You cannot ignore your boundaries and judgement hoping everything will work out and try to control or spy on the other person for reassurance that you SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN UP FRONT from anyone you are dating. That's the lesson. People will do what they do, lie, cheat, be tempted. You need to manage your end of how you protect yourself from it.

I only ever asked him once and that was tonight was he seeing someone else.

January 11, 2016

OP, I must say that your lack of anger toward this guy is very concerning. Any self-respecting girl would not think twice about being treated in such a way by anyone. I hope you'll think about this and understand that unless you learn to expect to be respected, you're a dead-on target for abusive men.

This guy is a complete jerk and I hope you dump him fast. This has nothing to do with the two of you not wanting the same things. It has to do with you not involving yourself with a man who behaves in such a way. There is nothing to discuss with him on this matter, and there's nothing forgive. Just walk away. He has shown you what he's made of and it isn't even close to being impressive.

I agree with the others -- going forward, asking personal questions like that should be done in person, not via text. Still, this does not in any way excuse his reaction.

I am a very self-respecting woman myself who also is logical and able to see things from another perspective, be objective, and analyze my own behavior and how it contributes to a situation and take some responsibility for it. The guy was apparently angry because he had already told her she was the only one he was seeing and she brought it up again so that's twice in three weeks that subject was addressed. He did not call her names, or curse at her -- he simply stated a truth -- it is none of her business at this point. There isn't anything rude about those words. It's just that the truth hurts sometimes.

January 11, 2016

We're both looking for different things so what's the point -- are you making this statement based on the surface of things in this thread or do you actually know what he wants?

What kinds of real, face to face, conversations have you had with this guy prior to intimacy? What do you really know about him? What did he say he was looking for out of his dating journey overall? What has his dating history been like? What are his dating goals? What is he looking for?

All this is irrelevant. You're trying to make this about exclusivity, having sex too soon, not having a conversation before sex, timing, etiquette etc.

This thread is not about that.

This thread is about a man using offensive words when it was uncalled for.

January 11, 2016

I am a very self-respecting woman myself who also is logical and able to see things from another perspective, be objective, and analyze my own behavior and how it contributes to a situation and take some responsibility for it. The guy was apparently angry because he had already told her she was the only one he was seeing and she brought it up again so that's twice in three weeks that subject was addressed. He did not call her names, or curse at her -- he simply stated a truth -- it is none of her business at this point. There isn't anything rude about those words. It's just that the truth hurts sometimes.

I never brought it up twice, I brought it up tonight for the first time.

January 11, 2016

I didn't know what to do when he said it to me I never expected that reaction. He told me I was the only one he was seeing but his obviously keeping his options open. He said we're no where near that stage where we can talk about that.

Wait: he can put his penis inside you but you two aren't anywhere near a conversation about decency? About exclusivity? About making you feel used?

Ummm, I'd never see him ever again! He's a jerk!

January 11, 2016

All this is irrelevant. You're trying to make this about exclusivity, having sex too soon, not having a conversation before sex, timing, etiquette etc.

This thread is not about that.

This thread is about a man using offensive words when it was uncalled for.

Thank you for being so nice to me.

January 11, 2016

I am a very self-respecting woman myself who also is logical and able to see things from another perspective, be objective, and analyze my own behavior and how it contributes to a situation and take some responsibility for it. The guy was apparently angry because he had already told her she was the only one he was seeing and she brought it up again so that's twice in three weeks that subject was addressed. He did not call her names, or curse at her -- he simply stated a truth -- it is none of her business at this point. There isn't anything rude about those words. It's just that the truth hurts sometimes.

Redhead really!

I would not tolerate being told 'it's not your business' from ANYONE. Not a man I date, colleague, family or a friend. It is absolutely on top of the list of offensive things you can tell someone. It's condescending.

January 11, 2016

I never brought it up twice, I brought it up tonight for the first time.

But in the three weeks you've been seeing him, you told us that he already told you he was only seeing you. Bringing it up again so soon is going to be viewed by a new suitor as nagging in a way, already. That's what some of us are thinking now that we've heard a little more.

I think you need to step back from this and just see where it goes and relax. Hit the reset button. Date other guys and keep emotions and expectations in check for a while. If this guy calls you again, don't mention anything about it all and see what he does. If you liked him enough to be concerned in the first place and cooler heads prevail, maybe this will be given another chance. You apologized (which maybe you shouldn't have done anyway, but he did say not to worry about it).

I've been beating you up a little and I don't really want to do that . . . I just wanted to drive some points home. There is more to this and there was misunderstanding and hurt and it all happened via text. If the opportunity for real conversation happens, try to be objective.

Or, just write this one off and keep moving. Either way, you should keep moving forward with your life and see what happens that's all.

January 11, 2016

Because when I asked him was I the only one he was seeing he replied ''yep you are why '' So I explained to him why I had doubts which I probably shouldn't off. But I thought we were friends and I could ask him anything.
And then he replied its none of my business. So when I said I didn't mean it like the way he thinks I did he said haha don't worry about it u and that we're not here the stage of a relationship yet. I only asked because I was curious because we have been sleeping together I suppose I just wanted to make sure I was protected in that way as well. I just didn't expect him to be that aggressive with me . I wasn't trying to push him into something I suppose I didn't think it would be a big deal . And I probably should of said it in person but I honestly felt it was just a casual question.

oh so you mean they were two subsequent sentences within that same text conversation. Here's my take on that: yep, you are why (he's thinking: please don't go further with this conversation" "why is this important 3 weeks in"). Then you just say "doubts" here vaguely. So do you mean that you told him you saw the "random" girls on his instagram? And/or a general need for reassurance? I'm thinking you said something about the girls--that's why he answered that "they" were none of your business. Because it is too soon for him to commit and he doesn't appreciate the interrogation. (still a jerk move to reply like THAT).

It's probably not a casual question if it involves your life and health and even a friendship. (though he sure didn't answer like a friend). It probably did feel pushy--because anything other than the answer you hoped for in content was the WRONG answer to you. If he had NICELY said, well yeah I sleep with a couple of those girls, which was answered honestly and nice, would that have been acceptable to you? Or an answer to just a "casual" question? Not really, I'm guessing.

He did respond like it was a big deal (but so is the question to be honest). So does this bother you? Not something you would expect from someone who you think is going to build something with you, right?

My intention is not to make you feel bad about yourself. You didn't do everything right, but that's why I think you should separate the issues. Let's say he considers it annoying and invasive that you asked that question. Is the way he answer the type of person you can see yourself dating and it getting better (keeping in mind most guys are on their best behavior at the beginning, ie it could get worse!)? What does your inner self tell you about protecting your future? Does he sound like someone to invest in? That will treat you well? On this level with your emotional health, he has already proved to be a bad investment. That's why I'm saying first and foremost all you need to evaluate is the WAY he responded to you. Don't get wrapped up in beating other girls to him---he's not sounding like a prize.

January 11, 2016

I am a very self-respecting woman myself who also is logical and able to see things from another perspective, be objective, and analyze my own behavior and how it contributes to a situation and take some responsibility for it. The guy was apparently angry because he had already told her she was the only one he was seeing and she brought it up again so that's twice in three weeks that subject was addressed. He did not call her names, or curse at her -- he simply stated a truth -- it is none of her business at this point. There isn't anything rude about those words. It's just that the truth hurts sometimes.

I think it is her business. Now, I agree that asking over and over again would be annoying if you have nothing to hide in the first place. But, OP says she only asked once, and this guy's behavior is less than stellar, so she had a good reason for asking.

However, in answering her in the way he did, he showed his true colors.

January 11, 2016

But in the three weeks you've been seeing him, you told us that he already told you he was only seeing you. Bringing it up again so soon is going to be viewed by a new suitor as nagging in a way, already. That's what some of us are thinking now that we've heard a little more.

I think you need to step back from this and just see where it goes and relax. Hit the reset button. Date other guys and keep emotions and expectations in check for a while. If this guy calls you again, don't mention anything about it all and see what he does. If you liked him enough to be concerned in the first place and cooler heads prevail, maybe this will be given another chance. You apologized (which maybe you shouldn't have done anyway, but he did say not to worry about it).

I've been beating you up a little and I don't really want to do that . . . I just wanted to drive some points home. There is more to this and there was misunderstanding and hurt and it all happened via text. If the opportunity for real conversation happens, try to be objective.

Or, just write this one off and keep moving. Either way, you should keep moving forward with your life and see what happens that's all.

I never said that, I only asked him once and that was tonight I never mentioned this before to him.

January 11, 2016

Redhead really!

I would not tolerate being told 'it's not your business' from ANYONE. Not a man I date, colleague, family or a friend. It is absolutely on top of the list of offensive things you can tell someone. It's condescending.

C'mon Gaeta, if a guy asked you something that was none of his business, what would you say?

January 11, 2016

I only ever asked him once and that was tonight was he seeing someone else.

Got it now. Understood.

January 11, 2016

Bringing it up again so soon is going to be viewed by a new suitor as nagging in a way, already. .

Are you telling her she deserved it?

Are we going to tell young women that type of s$it?? Be pretty and shut up if you don't want your man to be mad at you??

January 11, 2016

C'mon Gaeta, if a guy asked you something that was none of his business, what would you say?

People ask silly questions out of inexperience or out of nervousness. If a man had asked me this after 3 weeks

A. If I liked him I would have told him the truth in a respectful way

B. If I didn't particularly liked him I would have used that opportunity to blow up at him.

January 11, 2016

I never said that, I only asked him once and that was tonight I never mentioned this before to him.

I didn't know what to do when he said it to me I never expected that reaction. He told me I was the only one he was seeing but his obviously keeping his options open. He said we're no where near that stage where we can talk about that.

This is where I got that impression . . . and so did Versaci . . . anyway, it's done. Move on. It is what it is.

January 11, 2016

Are you telling her she deserved it?

Are we going to tell young women that type of s$it?? Be pretty and shut up if you don't want your man to be mad at you??

It appeared that he had already told her he was only seeing her from one of her statements earlier. So if she brought it up again, it would annoy him.

But, she cleared that up just now. And, I did tell her it was a reasonable question prior, she just shouldn't have done it via text.

And, if someone asks me something that really is none of their business, I will tell them that because if they are rude enough to ask me something that really isn't their business, they get a like response. And, I don't think it's rude per se, just to the point.

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He told me it's none of my business if he speaks to other women

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