isis8319 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Hi there, I loved a guy for a long time. He cheated for over a year and got her pregnant. They now have a baby. He told her that he loves me and he came back and we tried a little but it is really just as bad as you would expect. I am just struggling with letting go. I know that I should but it is so hard. He also won't really stop contacting me. I thought he was the one for me. I just hate that he has put me through all this. I am not sure that I can love the same way I did before all of this and I can't help but think why has this happened to me?? I am a good person and I don't try to hurt anyone. He was really a big part of my support system and now I feel so alone. I gave him a second chance and he hasn't really done what he would have to do but then again how can someone make this sort of thing better??? I suggested counseling but he hasn't even made the appointment. He is busy with his new responsibilities. I need to let go but I just don't really know how.
BetrayedH Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 If you want to know what a truly remorseful wayward looks like, read the thread for wayward spouses at the top of this forum. Some of them do deserve forgiveness and work hard for it. If he's not truly remorseful, I don't recommend reconciling with him. Respect yourself and take a hard stance.
malvern99 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Sorry for your pain OP. Betrayal like that really hurts, doubly so if your SO is not willing to do the necessary work on themselves and the work to help you heal. If you have some time, read up on codependency. I suggest reading Codependent No More. Good luck OP.
ShatteredLady Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I'm so terribly sorry for you. My husbands infidelity is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I can't imagine there being a child from cheating in the equation. I really don't think I could work through that constant reminder. Do you have kids together? Again I'm so very sorry.
Author isis8319 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Thanks for your responses. I will take a look at those resources. I feel like I can use all the resources that I can get. He is definitely not exhibiting the signs of someone who is truly remorseful and I don't think it is really possible to reconcile. He says all the right things but he doesn't follow through and then there is a whole human being that resulted from his lies. Now it just seems hopeless and I feel like I need to move on. We don't have kids. We almost did but I think I was scared to tie myself to him in that way. Now that I am examining our relationship…..he always seemed so fickle and tentative. I have so many complicated emotions. Sometimes I feel okay but the other times I feel so low. Perhaps there is codependency? I don't know. This just really sucks. I have been trying to work through this for a while. At first I was just numb but now I think I am ready to start actively moving past this and look what is left in me. It is just all so unfair but I guess we already knew that life isn't fair.
turnera Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Hi there, I loved a guy for a long time. He cheated for over a year and got her pregnant. They now have a baby. He told her that he loves me and he came back and we tried a little but it is really just as bad as you would expect. I am just struggling with letting go. I know that I should but it is so hard. He also won't really stop contacting me. I thought he was the one for me. I just hate that he has put me through all this. I am not sure that I can love the same way I did before all of this and I can't help but think why has this happened to me?? I am a good person and I don't try to hurt anyone. He was really a big part of my support system and now I feel so alone. I gave him a second chance and he hasn't really done what he would have to do but then again how can someone make this sort of thing better??? I suggested counseling but he hasn't even made the appointment. He is busy with his new responsibilities. I need to let go but I just don't really know how.You know what you need to do - walk away. And this may sound trite, but realizing that a person you used to love unconditionally can't be trusted...it's part of life. It's part of having bad things happen to you and you use that information, find new solutions, add it to your list of 'things you know,' and come out the other end a stronger, SMARTER person.
Mr Blunt Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 By isis He was really a big part of my support system and now I feel so alone. He is definitely not exhibiting the signs of someone who is truly remorseful and I don't think it is really possible to reconcile. He says all the right things but he doesn't follow through and then there is a whole human being that resulted from his lies. Now it just seems hopeless and I feel like I need to move on. We don't have kids The title of your thread is “how do I let go” You should get other people and resources to replace the dependence that you have on your husband. Family and faith can be great for becoming more independent. You will suffer while you are rebuilding but you are already suffering and besides with your rebuilding plan you will get better every month or two. Do you have a very good friend , family member, or a faith that can help you break away from him? Your top two areas to get yourself ready for letting go are emotional and financial. You probably need help with both of those but remember that you are the one that can do most of the rebuilding. I know that you mentioned that you may be co-dependent but every one that is married is co-dependent. You may be overly co-dependent but in either case you must get yourself to be more self-sufficient emotionally and financially. Do not get stressed out as you have plenty of time to prepare; you do not have to accomplish this all in one or two months and you do not have children to consider. Make a plan for 1 year and one for 5 years. There are lots of women that have let go and they had children which makes letting go harder. They have done it and so can you. Reach out to your family, friends, faith, and professional help. There is life and joy after letting go!
flowergirl14 Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 You are a nice person and thats what made it even easier for him to cheat on you. There are a lot of good people who get mixed up with the not so nice. Kick him out and go no contact with him. Only go through email or a lawyer. Dont look at his social networks, nothing. Check out chump lady there is a ton of support there. They really have your back and advice. Btw I think your making a great move. So many of us give second chances to cheaters who dont deserve a second chance. We want to "believe" amd give our "all." I think most of the time the cheater has left the marriage when they started entertaing thoughts of cheating. Its going to hurt like hell but no one i know that divirced a cheater ever regrets it. Its more like what the h*ll was I thinking putting up with that crappy sh*t. No matter what, it's a painful journey. Hopefully, on the otherside is a better life!
66Charger Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 One of the things flowergirl just said really sticks out. "No one I know, regrets leaving a cheater" For me, I have the capacity to shut something down completely and just take the pain until it subsides. For most, It always does with time, but you must start with accepting. Accept who he is. One who cheats. Multiple times. Unworthy. Accept that there is a child and it is not yours. Accept your value, your dreams, wishes and desires. Accept that he can never meet them. Accept that it is ok to love some one and leave them. Then, shut it down. Put it in a nice little package and label it history. Then you must practise diversion. Focus on a point 6 months from now. Make a goal, make some plans and move in that direction. If it is climbing a mountain in Alaska, get ready for it and train. By the time the event happens, you wont remember the guy. Diversion. This is why most men recover faster and remarry sooner. Our brothers get us out of the house. Only the weak whine. Dont sit home and think about it. Its dead. Bury it. In 5 years you may be happily married with your own children. Or you could still be on LS complaining about this loser. It is your life and you can make it be what you wish. Take your power and change your existence. Today. Just do it. 3
privategal Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Hi there, I loved a guy for a long time. He cheated for over a year and got her pregnant. They now have a baby. He told her that he loves me and he came back and we tried a little but it is really just as bad as you would expect. I am just struggling with letting go. I know that I should but it is so hard. He also won't really stop contacting me. I thought he was the one for me. I just hate that he has put me through all this. I am not sure that I can love the same way I did before all of this and I can't help but think why has this happened to me?? I am a good person and I don't try to hurt anyone. He was really a big part of my support system and now I feel so alone. I gave him a second chance and he hasn't really done what he would have to do but then again how can someone make this sort of thing better??? I suggested counseling but he hasn't even made the appointment. He is busy with his new responsibilities. I need to let go but I just don't really know how. Affairs are lonely yes but he hasn't cut you off so why do you feel alone? If your gonna have an affair you gotta know you only get small windows, he has a partner/ you are second in line...actually less as he has a child, extended family, career...you usually fall below all those things. Start with realizing you don't even make top 3 and go from there...know your place. Its when and IF he has time, its not your time. His support goes to his wife/ or partner/ himself/ his child/ his extended family/ his job/ you get the spare time and theres little of that when your a man trying not to get caught. Your choosing this so know the rules.
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