Trying to date..but ex is in my head

[sparkle222]

I have this ex. We dated for a year and then it ended for the typical reasons (too young, confused about life, long-distance for a while, bad communication, lack of experience in relationships, etc.) about 2.5 years ago. Since then we've never officially dated again but were essentially on-off for over 2 years, during which time he also dated someone else (although that ended). After that, we started getting back together again (again unofficially) but I ended that because he said he never wanted to be in a relationship with me again and I obviously didn't just want to be a fwb until he found someone new. So we've been officially 'just friends' for a couple months now. TBH the whole thing has been really hard on both of us--we were both pretty emotionally mean/manipulative to each other at times. There were periods when he wanted to get back together and I didn't, and when I did and he didn't--the timing was never right so it just never worked out.

 

Many people have told me to just cut him out of my life because the relationship has been quite upsetting for me at points. However, this has proved impossible--he's a family friend, we have all the same friends, we're in a similar job circle--I have to see or hear about him frequently. So I've just tried to be friendly instead. He is also a good friend-- a good listener (very good at just random online chats whenever I feel down or just want to talk to someone) and quite funny and supportive. Compared with times when we weren't speaking, I'm happier with him in my life than not.

 

I saw him recently, and it was completely platonic--just had a meal and watched a bit of the news. But it made me feel almost as bad, if not worse, than times when we were just getting together. At the end he said 'I'm so glad we were sensible and didn't just get together or anything'. I suddenly realised that I'll never be able to do anything 'couply'/non-platonic with him ever again--it felt like we were suddenly really officially 'over'. I have been on dates with a couple guys recently--I hadn't told him this because I thought it might lead to some awkwardness--but at this point I decided to tell him and said that if I did eventually enter into a serious relationship with someone new we obviously would really be 'uncoupled'. He seemed a bit taken aback but then shrugged and said that wouldn't matter.

 

TBH the idea of dating again still feels weird--mostly because I know him so well and the thought of getting to know someone else so well again and then it potentially not working out again seems so emotionally draining.

 

When I was hanging out with him it was completely chilled and I was reminded of how much I like him when not clouded by all the emotional drama we've had--we are really quite similar and get along so well, and I still really care about him. There's a sort of ache in me that just wishes we could try again, now that we're a bit older and more settled. But he has some fixation that I'm not the kind of person he wants to spend his life with--from what he says I think it's partly because he thinks that our values don't match enough or I've hurt him too much before--or something. However, he said he'd be devastated if I just 'cut him off' as a friend (we talk really frequently, mostly online though).

 

I guess what I'm asking is: 1) what do you think is really going on in his head? (when I describe it to other people they say he's an insecure immature idiot who'll regret this in 10 years, which I do kind of hope will happen, just for karma's sake, and/or not worth my time; the weird part is that he really doesn't have any possible girlfriends in his life--so he'd rather be single and completely platonic best friends with me than date me), 2) what should I do? my gut says just try to only see him as little as possible and unromantically, and to eventually just take the plunge with someone else. but it's hard to imagine finding someone who i feel as connected with as him or just to make that effort to build up a relationship in the hopes that it might be better than the one we had. I went on a couple dates with another guy (who is sort of leading towards a relationship but I'm not sure) and while it was fun he's soo different from this ex and it just feels like I'm always going to be missing the qualities (deep thinking, goofiness, etc) I valued in this ex (perhaps that's a sign this new guy isn't for me either!). I also got set up with a friend of a friend--who turned out to be more similar to this ex--but all I could think was 'if this guy is a potential match than why couldn't it have worked out with the ex, whom I obviously still feel much closer to?' (It also just feels a bit forced being set up with someone).

[Limitless159]

I don't know all the answers too your questions but I know how you feel. I was with my ex gf for over 7 years and we split up 8 months ago. Family friends. Same circle of friends. Grew up in same small town. We moved a few hours away from where we grew up a couple years ago and then split up living in the new area. We remained friends on pretty good terms for the last 8 months until just recently. We haven't talked since before christmas. I shouldn't have let her go but then it was too late too get her back. Ive met other girls and know lots of girls in my group of friends but they just don't compare too my ex. I don't even bother looking anymore even though i know I'm never getting back together with my ex. The last couple months I had actually started feeling worse about the situation then the first 6 months after the breakup. I think you and I both just need more time apart from our ex's too forget about them. Im lucky that I have already moved away from where our families and mutual group of friends live because seeing them all the time makes it harder. Sounds like you might need too move or try something different if you can't let him go. Try giving it some more time and go from there.

[loverboy69]

Sparkle: He's made himself crystal clear my dear.

 

He can't lead you on if you are allowing it.

 

You need to distance yourself even from a platonic friendship for your own sanity. Doesn't matter if he's a family friend or not.

 

Allow yourself to properly grieve the relationship, focus on becoming a better, smarter more attractive woman of value. If you don't do this you'll continue to pine forever and wind up being an old lonely woman.

 

Trust me. There are way better guys out there for you. But if you remain emotionally closed off to them because of this codependency on a man who doesn't reciprocate your affection you'll never get to experience something new.

 

It's not easy and it hurts like hell. I know. Part of being an adult is making the right decisions even when they are the hard ones.

[sparkle222]

thanks guys.. i'm under no illusions about our status as 'just friends', just need to stop being so codependent i guess.

 

i guess it just makes me angry that he's so keen to keep up quite an intense friendship (and probably would do fwb if i weren't against that); he'll talk about how 'sad' the whole situation is, and yet flat out refuses to have a relationship. it almost feels like he enjoys the situation of being in power, of knowing i'd probably be up for a relationship again and denying us that, on the basis that he can find a 'better fit'? the irony is that the girl he dated after me, whom he oh so smugly told me was a 'better fit for him', because they shared more similar values etc, cheated on him...

 

it's just frustrating to feel that i'm a good catch, a generally good person, who cares about the people in her life and tries to make them happy, being constantly (impliedly) told by this guy that i'm just not good enough or cool enough or fun enough for him to date (dunno the real reason).. and he's not exactly god's gift to women, most girls don't find him that attractive and find him quite difficult to get along with, i actually think he'll have a hard time finding a serious, long-term relationship (he has no idea i/other girls think this).. but that i serve a purpose as a friend and i should almost be grateful for that or something..

 

how can anyone be so certain that someone isn't for them? i don't think i could ever be so 'crystal clear' with someone i had such history, unless there were some real fundamental problem (e.g. a religious clash), which isn't the case here

[d0nnivain]

You in essence never stopped dating him. Until you do, you won't be free to move on.

 

 

You say you can't cut him completely out because you have the same friends & he knows your family. Fine, be polite to him when those outside forces throw you together.

 

 

Otherwise, stop interacting with him. It doesn't matter if he's a good listener. Stop talking to him. Do not share meals with him. Unfriend / unfollow him on all social media. Then, and only then will you heal.

[sparkle222]

ok, so ex has somehow resurfaced in my life so i'm venting about it here needing advice/sympathy again

 

i haven't seen him in a few months now (trying to phase him out of my life, easier said than done). i've been on dates with other guys, some definite no-goes, one i quite liked but he travels a lot and doesn't seem as forward as guys normally are so i'm not sure it'll go anywhere anytime soon.. but point is i've been making some effort to get out there

 

the other day, for some reason i can't even remember (but it was mundane, a work-related q), i was talking to ex on facebook chat. somehow i said something that probably insinuated i was seeing someone; to which he asked 'so does this mean you have a boyfriend now'? i responded that it wasn't any of his business; i also added something snide about how i hoped he'd be happy with whatever girl he picked out of his large pool of 'girls i would date' (since he'd previously said on many occasions i fell into the category of 'girls he would never date').

 

he then acted really taken aback, and said i'd misunderstood him; that he'd never said i fell into a category of 'girls he would never date', and that in fact i was 'way up there' (i suppose in the category of girls he would date). this actually sort of upset me to hear; i've spent the last year or two coming to terms with the fact that we're done for good, and now all of a sudden he feels that i'm in the running for the position of his next girlfriend? is this a joke? maybe he was just trying to act nice but it really ticked me off; he's repeatedly said how he never wanted to date me again.

 

i told him that that was how it made me feel; he simply said 'ok cool, it doesn't seem like you want me to respond to that (since i just stated how i felt very taken aback; i didn't ask him any further questions)'. i agreed that i didn't want him to respond, because from the way i see it, he'll say 1) he wants us to date again (highly unlikely, and i wouldn't believe him anyway), or 2) that he likes me but isn't ready to date now for whatever reason (which i know is just the typical way of keeping someone as an insurance policy while waiting for someone else to come along), or 3) that he never wants to date again (back to square one i suppose).

 

i vented to a couple friends; one basically said 'he's a douche.. well maybe he's just being an idiot and you guys will reconcile in a few years', and the other said 'not worth it, just phase him out of your life'.

 

thoughts?

[Gloria25]

Thoughts?

 

Take it from me, someone who spent two years analyzing crumbs....

 

Nothing's there.

 

Clean break from him and don't look back EVER.

[sparkle222]

yeah i mean i don't have any illusions that he'll change his mind (i also wouldn't say yes if he did). i guess it just bugs me that he thinks he can subject me to his emotional whims and that i'll be ok with it.

 

what i want to understand more is, why would he act this way? why was he so adamant that i wasn't right for him, and why is he suddenly acting wishy washy--nostalgia or loneliness? or is it just a power thing for him, to lure me in and then says 'no thanks' again, so he always has the upper hand? (it really often feels like it is a power game). the fact that he gets under my skin means that i'm never in control of the situation dealing with him. it would make me feel more in control if at least i knew why he acts this way (because then i could just remind myself what an idiot he is and get on with my life).

 

(for instance, i remember once--a long time ago--he admitted that part of why he didn't want to date me was that i currently make a lot more money than he does.. in a weird way that was really comforting to hear, because i knew rationally it was a stupid reason and just signalled that it was his ego/problem, not mine.)

 

i can't seem to win with him--if i stop talking to him, doesn't matter, he doesn't seem to notice/never initiates a conversation. if i call him out on his games, he denies it all and says i've misunderstood (again) and that he doesn't want to get trapped in unhappy circles so let's just stop talking about it. if i get mad, he turns it on me, and says i'm abusing him.

 

he's not dating anyone else or anything, and tbh he's a bit awkward socially; it's not like he finds it easy to date around/play the field either. so it's not a situation of me clinging on to some ex-player boyfriend who's already moved on multiple times.

 

ughhh so what's his deal then?

[preraph]

Every time you think of him, make yourself think of two crappy things about him.