Whatdoesitmatter Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Hello everyone, I've been reading the break up threads for a number of weeks now but I haven't posted until now. My break up (I was dumped) was at the end of October 2015 and I am not ashamed to say that I was utterly devastated, shocked and could barely function normally until a couple of weeks ago. I am in my late forties, divorced and he is late fifties and divorced. No Spring chickens and both worldly wise. I won't bore you with all the details of our relationship so I will condense it into a nutshell. We were together for 2.5 years. Deeply in love and connected mentally, physically, sexually and shared a fantastic bond with conversation and sense of humour and mutual likes and similar thoughts on life, love etc. He dumped me due to my lack of trust in him, issues of jealousy when he looked at or talked about women he found attractive whether they be in real life, on TV or in movies. My insecurity stemmed from my already pretty low self confidence and self-esteem. The last long term relationship I was in ended when the guy decided to go back to his ex (having been sleeping with her for the last 4 months he was with me......I of course unaware of this but I did have some suspicion that he had lingering feelings for her due to the way he spoke about her throughout our time together). Anyway, my current ex right from the get go felt 'comfortable' enough with me that he could off load his guilty feelings to me regarding how he had been unfaithful to his ex wife of 25 years before and during his marriage to her. He described her as cold, unaffectionate and distant. The way he portrayed his marriage made it seem that his unfaithfulness wasn't surprising and actually necessary as a normal hot blooded male needed affection and sex or else become a basket case. He told me all about his affairs, his dalliances with much younger woman and even his use of escorts as his wife was not in any way sexual towards him. All this bothered me of course but I rationalised it in my mind that it was a necessary evil and it was done before he met me and he had done nothing to me to make me feel he was looking to sleep with another woman whilst he was in a relationship with me. I was however always hyper alert when we were out together and I would often accuse him of checking out other women and wondering if he found them more attractive than me. The relationship ended when I have him an ultimatum when he booked a holiday with a couple of his friends to go away for a few days to celebrate one of his friends birthdays. I said go with them and I won't be here when you come back. I then went NC. On his return he didn't get in touch so I did (I was missing him!) just to be told that he felt the relationship was over as I couldn't trust him and he felt I was trying to control him. I tried to defend myself by telling him that it was no wonder I had trust issues after him being so forthcoming with all his dirty secrets from his past. I apologised and said I was in the wrong and that I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum but despite a long email stating my case he told me that it was never meant to be. I was devastated and in pieces as I genuinely loved him. I went NC and I haven't heard from him now in over 2 months. I was sorely tempted to get in touch over Xmas and new year but thankfully I didn't. He didn't either. I've drank too much alcohol, smoked too many cigarettes and spent weeks blaming myself and punishing myself with the what if's and if only's. I hated myself, pinned for him, cried myself to sleep, felt unloved, disregarded, unwanted, dumped like rubbish and worthless. I missed him (and still do at times). However, and this is the point of my post, it wasn't until throughout the past week that I reached a point where I thought ***k him. If he did get in touch now I would not want to engage in any conversation or communication with him as he hurt me so deeply by just disappearing into thin air and seemingly being able to live his life perfectly well without me (having always said I was his reason for smiling, his reason for believing in love again etc). My question is how long before you reached the stage of being able to say no, I'm done, this is not for me and I really don't want him back anymore?
LilMama1097 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 First off, I'm so sorry you even had to experience that. Being dumped takes a hit on anyone's self esteem (mine included.) With that said, I'm impressed with your strength to stick with NC from day 1. I wish I had done that. I'm a month out from my break up and have reached the turning point from being devastated to hating him. I know I would never go back because he betrayed me by dumping me and he's treated me horribly through the break up. I hour in another month I will be where you are. I just want to not care at all anymore. No anger even. Welcome to the boards! 1
Bri101 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 So sorry to hear what you are going through as I know exactly how you feel. It's been 6 months since my left ex left me, but for someone else. I still cry, punish myself with the what ifs and if only and torture myself by checking his and her Facebook. I will tell you that I got to the stage of never wanting him back. How after almost 4yrs of being with someone every minute of every day just leave with no explanation. That I still sit here alone and cry everyday, while he is in a new relationship living a happy life. So that being said I would never want someone in my life that could treat me that way. I am just praying for the day that I can get over what he's done so I can move on and I hope the same for you. We deserve so much better!!! 1
Author Whatdoesitmatter Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Thank you Lilmama and Bri for your thoughts. Yes, I still go through moments of hating him and yes I still get upset if I allow myself to think back to the good times and the loving, happy times we shared. However it's a good feeling being able to get through the days like a reasonably 'normal' functioning person without having emotional meltdowns and filling up with tears. I really do have the 'stuff him' mentality going on now and I get annoyed with him for being able to just carry on with his life as if I somehow never existed. It's like he's saying 'thanks for the memories but I'm done with you now, you've served your purpose for me and it's time I found someone better to entertain myself with'. Good luck with that I say and my only thoughts now are I hope he finds the grass isn't greener. I would have huge satisfaction in ignoring him if he ever gets in touch, pretty much like he's ignored me since the break up. What goes around comes around.
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