I'm jealous.....and I don't know how to take my mind off of what I'm jealous of....

[tearfulface]

I really need your advice

 

I'm 21 and dating a man whom I want to be my husband. He's 30 and has a career and and is looking to buy a house. He's not ready to be married and I'm most definitely not ready either. However, I want to be married. Yet, I do not want to live with my BF before marriage. We've been dating for four months.

 

I'm the only one of my friends who isn't engaged or married now (There is a group of ten of us who met in middle school and have been close friends ever since.). I'm jealous of them and that envy is so strong that when I went to the weddings of the first three friends, I cried very hard and had to excuse myself for the actual vows. I turned my best friend down when she asked me to be her maid of honor because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to take it. I went to her wedding and to take my mind off the wedding, afteward my Mom surprised me with tickets in Business class to take an Amtrak train to San Luis Obispo and back home again. ( I love the ocean more than almost anything else. I also love trains more than anything else too. the train that I took parallels the Pacific Ocean for miles. I couldn't stop looking out the window.) The trip took my mind off of the wedding for a long time. I didn't feel envious of anything or anyone. I was calm, at peace and content. But the feelings returned six months later.

 

I'm in therapy to work out my feelings with a Psychologist. I've discovered that I want to be married for the following reason:

 

I want to live with the man that I love forever and be a team with him. I want to cook his dinner and bear our children and be a comfort to him. I want to read the newspaper with him.....ect ectera.

 

 

 

 

My Mom says that eventually, if I am patient, a wonderful man will ask me to be his wife and it will mean a lot to me. I don't want to marry just anyone, but my feelings are to the point that I feel like I want to burst and scream "I want to be a wife!!!!!"

 

I'm involved in college, a member of the Junior League, a volunteer at the Art museum, a tutor, I take time for myself daily, I go on trips on my own all over the area (and even into Mexico!) and am just trying to have fun in my young years. Unfortunately, I'm not having much fun. I try to , really I do. I try to enjoy every moment of being single. But I hate it.

 

 

 

Please. Do me a favor and give me some advice? I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Can you give me any ideas on how to teach myself patience in waiting for marriage. I don't want to be unhappy because I'm not a wife. I don't want to be jealous of my friends and their happiness. They have a right to be happy. But, so do I, right?

 

 

Thanks

Excuse my lengthy post.

[smile95]

All of my friends are married too and I want that so badly, however, I firmly believe that if I wait for the right one, I will be so happy. Half of my friends wish they never got married in the first place! So do not be jealous of them. You will be happy one day but do not rush it just for the sake of "being married". It is not all a fairy tale!

[westernxer]

Originally posted by tearfulface

They have a right to be happy. But, so do I, right?

 

Are you saying you're not happy now? Does that mean you expect marriage to make you happy? Last girl I dated had the nerve to tell me this after I dumped her (that's another story, though ).

 

A truly strong person finds happiness within themselves. At 21, you've got a lot of learning to do, but you've also got plenty of time to do so. I wouldn't worry so much about formalities... better known as formaldehydes, because they embalm you to the status quo.

 

Sure, it's hard when friends are tying the knot, but just wait until they start divorcing. Then you'll be glad you didn't rush into it. Just another point of view, that's all.

 

Focus on yourself, and make yourself a more complete person. By doing this, you'll find that meeting the right guy is just icing on the cake.

[whichwayisup]

Can you see yourself marrying this man after only being with him for 4 months?? Don't ever marry him if he asks you because you may be settling and not marrying him for the right reasons. Forget the other people and their fairy tale lives...You don't know what goes on behind closed doors okay, and the grass is usually NOT greener on the other side of the fence.

 

You're very young still and have plenty of time to find out if this man is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Try not to allow what goes on around you -Other friends getting married...They found the love of their lives and that is why they probably got married.

[wyzeup]

Just because your friends are getting married doesn't mean anything. I'm assuming they're around the same age. Just because they're getting married very early in life (yes - 21 yrs old is horribly young to be committing your life to someone) doesn't mean it's going to last, in fact, the odds are greatly against their marriages lasting. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. What's the rush? You've only known this guy a mere 4 months - SURELY not long enough to know all there is to know about him/you 2 as a couple, to know you'd want to marry him. I think you're hung up on "getting married" in general and maybe it's not even so much about him.

 

How many relationships have you been in? At 21, it surely couldn't be many - particularly serious, longterm relationships - where you not only learn a helluva lot about yourself, but you learn about what you want/need in a relationship. My goodness, do you really want to pick the first serious boyfriend and tie the knot, only to wake up 5 years from now, with a child on your hip, feeling resentful and empty because you maybe didn't wait for "the one" youre truly meant to be with?

 

I felt the way you do, when I was in my very early 20s.........I would also be so jealous and upset that I hated to attend weddings of friends......it was like it drove a wedge in my heart to see them walking down that aisle and having the life i'd dreamed of..........it was horrible. BUT.........looking back, all of them ended up divorced.......broken homes, some had very messy divorces, very hard on the children, etc.

 

At 21, you still have a lot to learn about yourself as a person.......you're still evolving and changing and growing. Too young to be married, in my opinion - a great recipe for divorce if you rush into something all because you feel everyone else is doing it.

[crazy_grl]

It sounds like you've got a fairy tale view of marriage and you need to get a more realistic perspective on it. It's not all smiles and "honey I'm home". There's a lot of work involved, and if you marry the wrong guy, possibly a lot of issues such as infidelity.

 

There's no reason to rush into it. I doubt that it would make you any happier than you are now. In fact, getting married to the wrong man could end up making you downright miserable. To me, 4 months isn't enough time to know whether this guy is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. And since you're only 21, that's going to be a very long time. You have plenty of time to find the right man, have kids, etc.

 

But your heavy focus on getting married seems to me like it would lead to 2 possibilities: 1. Scaring away the 'right' guy because you're pushing him too hard for marriage. 2. Marrying a guy who's not marrying you for you, but for the sake of being married (just like you'd be doing).

 

It's not fair to your or your guy to jump into something just because you want to be married, and it probably won't work out if you do.

[billybadass36]

I'm 29 and getting married in September. I was engaged when I was 20 because most of my friends were in the same boat. All of my friends that got married around 21 are either in unhappy marriages or divorced. At 21, you are not the same person you will be when you're 29-30. Believe me when I say this - I am a totally different person than I was when I was 21. If I'd gotten married then, I'd be divorced now almost assuredly, and probably with a coupe of kids to deal with. Besides, you've got a lot of living to do in the next few years before you need to worry about settling down. Do that first. Sit back and watch your friends' marriages from a bit of a detached viewpoint. I think then you'll realize that it's not as easy as you or they might think.

 

Enjoy the relationship you're in with this guy right now. Enjoy your time together, and don't focus on 1, 2, 5, or 10 years down the road, or you'll miss out on what's a really special time in any young person's life. You'll meet your prince charming, just don't try so hard. Honestly, though, I thought the same way you did when I was your age, and not getting married was about the best decision I ever made.