ex girlfriend (dumper) is acting weird

[Vincenator]

This is going to be a long story, but I'll try to make it as short as possible.

 

Me and my ex girlfriend first met 2 years ago, and got together in the summer of 2014. We were each other's first loves and bf/gf, and we shared many of those first couple moments together. I always felt that our relationship was extremely strong, even to the point where I never even felt like the honeymoon period ended for me. We never had huge arguments, but we did have small periods of jealousy when another guy/girl suddenly got into the picture (always something small though, like someone calling me "cute"). We would see each other everyday thanks to school, but as we both graduated and went to different colleges, things started to change. We rarely started seeing each other, especially since her father didn't want her to be in a relationship. It wasn't that he didn't like me, but he just didn't want her to be in one. He believes that I would only distract her from her schoolwork, but me and her both promised that education came first. I would even sometimes help her out on her schoolwork. I really think if I talked to her father, especially with my ex's mother (who was really open to the relationship and encouraged it), we could have convinced him that this relationship brought out the best in both of us.

 

However, 18 months into our relationship, things started going wrong. She first broke up with me a few days before Christmas 2015. She said that she's not ready for a relationship, but it's possible in the future that me and her could get back together, but no promises. The day after, she came back to me saying she made a mistake. A few days after that, again she broke up with me saying that she doesn't want a relationship anymore. AGain, the next day she came back saying she made a mistake. Finally, a few days again after that (jan 4), she broke up with me for the last time saying she lost interest, and that was probably because we rarely saw each other (it was hard for us to meet since we needed to hide it from her dad). She never came back to me after this.

 

I made terrible mistakes during these weeks of breaking up and coming back where I would be really clingy and not giving her the time she needs. In fact, a few days after the relationship, I realize how clingy I've been throughout the whole relationship. I had way too much time on my hands, and not doing anything in my life but constantly being in contact with her, because I thought that would make up for how little we saw each other in person. After realizing this, I think I'm going to start making more of an effort to live my life. Like, I've been talking with more friends who have been incredibly helpful with the breakup, my family, and I'm even considering working out for the first time in my life. Deep down though, I think I'm only doing this to show to my ex that I've changed and hope that this will bring her back to me. I know this is a very unhealthy thought, but I really can't stop it because we were so important to each other's lives at a point.

 

Well, after the third and final breakup, she messaged me back the next day (jan5, tuesday), and asked how I was feeling. Of course at this time, I was still feeling like garbage, so I waited until Thursday to reply to which I said I was doing better. I think I still came off as clingy or bitter during this, so I prep'd a final message to send to her before I go into no contact. In this message, I said that I've learned a lot from being together with her, and even after the breakup, and how I'm going to change how I live since I realized how wrong I have been, how I wanted to thank her for all the good times etc. Basically, I wanted her to remember me as the guy she fell in love with, and not the poor pathetic soul she broke up with. I sent this message to her after she had slept, but she replied the next morning saying stuff like, she's glad to hear I'm doing better, and that she really hopes we can be friends. In fact, throughout all 3 breakups, she kept insisting that she hopes we be friends. Every time though, I had to tell her I need some time to think about it because I really don't want to be stuck in a friendship where I still have feelings for her, while she doesn't. At the same time though, we were such a huge impact in each other's lives that I don't want to lose her out completely.

 

After her reply, I chatted with her for about 15 min about how I still needed time etc. Again, I think I came off as clingy and bitter which ruined my goal of trying to make her remember me as a better person. So again, later in the night, I sent one final message saying stuff about how I appreciate the time we had and how I don't regret anything except the fact it took me this long to realize I needed to change my lifestyle, how she was right in that we both need some time and space right now etc. She never replied to this. I also told her that I would be deleting her off my fb but only because it would make it easier for me to recover. I made sure to tell her that it wasn't because I was mad. But.... later on I find out that she blocked me on fb, even though she was the one to dump me.

 

Now, I'm so confused because I keep going to feeling like I want her back, but she's done with me to like now, where I'm forcing myself to moving on but now she's acting like she wants nothing to do with me even though she insisted every time (all 3 breakups, and every message we had after the 3rd breakup) that she hoped we can still be friends. I really feel like our relationship was a case of... the right place but the wrong time. Like if me and her met earlier or later in our lives, things would have been a lot different. And I still don't even know how she feels about the breakup. She tells me that she is still happy with her (third) decision to finally breakup, and it has helped her feel relieved. But now that she has ignored me and blocked me, I feel like she's having her own difficulty with the breakup. What is going on??

 

BTW, after that last final message I sent to her where I wanted her to remember me as the guy she fell in love with, I was and still am planning to go into no contact until I am confident that I can talk to her again and be ok with the thought that we might never get back together. And around this time I think I would know how to answer her question about us being friends.

Edited January 10, 2016 by Vincenator

[ExpatInItaly]

First, stop contacting her. You've said your piece and you need to let it rest. I completely understand your need to vent, but now that you've done so, leave it alone.

 

Second, stop assuming this is all your fault and that you needed to change yourself. I agree we can always improve ourselves, but you seem to think this is all down to something you did or didn't do. Sometimes people really do just fall out of love, especially a first love.

 

Third, it's possible she's struggling with the breakup. She might be feeling guilty because of her father's disapproval. She might have met someone else. In any case, it does't matter. Her waffling indicates she wasn't fully committed to you and that's what's important.

 

Fourth and finally, don't put much weight into the offer of friendship. A lot of dumpers say that to soften the blow without really meaning it. And they certainly don't usually mean automatically going from boyfriend-girlfirend to friends. Exes often can't stay friends, and if they do, it's generally after a long "breathing" period away from each other completely. Don't try to be her friend right now. It won't help you.

 

First loves are tough because they are usually intense but normally don't last a very long time. Be kind to yourself and be patient with your healing.

[Vincenator]

First, stop contacting her. You've said your piece and you need to let it rest. I completely understand your need to vent, but now that you've done so, leave it alone.

 

Second, stop assuming this is all your fault and that you needed to change yourself. I agree we can always improve ourselves, but you seem to think this is all down to something you did or didn't do. Sometimes people really do just fall out of love, especially a first love.

 

Third, it's possible she's struggling with the breakup. She might be feeling guilty because of her father's disapproval. She might have met someone else. In any case, it does't matter. Her waffling indicates she wasn't fully committed to you and that's what's important.

 

Fourth and finally, don't put much weight into the offer of friendship. A lot of dumpers say that to soften the blow without really meaning it. And they certainly don't usually mean automatically going from boyfriend-girlfirend to friends. Exes often can't stay friends, and if they do, it's generally after a long "breathing" period away from each other completely. Don't try to be her friend right now. It won't help you.

 

First loves are tough because they are usually intense but normally don't last a very long time. Be kind to yourself and be patient with your healing.

 

Yeah, I agree with you. It just felt a lot better that I was like telling myself that I would improve myself to win her back, and if not, oh well because I ended up becoming a better person from this anyways. But for now, I know I need to understand the fact that she may never come back. I really don't think there is another guy though because she made it really clear that she isn't interested in dating or a relationship anymore while she's in college because the stress of having to hide it from her father really overwhelmed her and that she wouldn't want to go through something like that again.

I'm just really confused what was the point of her blocking me... is she starting to feel regret now? Or is she just doing it because she thinks it'll make recovery easier for me?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, I agree with you. It just felt a lot better that I was like telling myself that I would improve myself to win her back, and if not, oh well because I ended up becoming a better person from this anyways. But for now, I know I need to understand the fact that she may never come back. I really don't think there is another guy though because she made it really clear that she isn't interested in dating or a relationship anymore while she's in college because the stress of having to hide it from her father really overwhelmed her and that she wouldn't want to go through something like that again.

I'm just really confused what was the point of her blocking me... is she starting to feel regret now? Or is she just doing it because she thinks it'll make recovery easier for me?

 

It's impossible for anyone but her to say why she did this. But I don't think it's out of regret. If that were the case, she'd be contacting you.

 

I think it's probably because she knows you're having a hard time with this. Or, as I said before, there could be a new interest in her life and she doesn't want you showing up anywhere on her social media and potentially causing a problem with her new person of interest. Honestly, I think that's the more likely scenario.

 

And yes, I realize she told you she wouldn't be seeing other guys because it's too stressful, but I wouldn't count on that.

[Vincenator]

It's impossible for anyone but her to say why she did this. But I don't think it's out of regret. If that were the case, she'd be contacting you.

 

I think it's probably because she knows you're having a hard time with this. Or, as I said before, there could be a new interest in her life and she doesn't want you showing up anywhere on her social media and potentially causing a problem with her new person of interest. Honestly, I think that's the more likely scenario.

 

And yes, I realize she told you she wouldn't be seeing other guys because it's too stressful, but I wouldn't count on that.

 

Well, she messaged me back today saying that she blocked me because I unfriended her. I told her that I only did it to help myself move on, and not because I was angry or anything. I said I would add her back after I'm ready to talk with her again. She said she still isn't going to unblock me until that time, so it kinda sounds like something's bothering her, but she kept saying it was nothing. So I just left it at that... and now for no contact.

[NVO]

Well, she messaged me back today saying that she blocked me because I unfriended her. I told her that I only did it to help myself move on, and not because I was angry or anything. I said I would add her back after I'm ready to talk with her again. She said she still isn't going to unblock me until that time, so it kinda sounds like something's bothering her, but she kept saying it was nothing. So I just left it at that... and now for no contact.

 

Watch out for this kind of behavior. I've seen it happen to me with my ex. Exact the same situation. You put up some serious boundaries for yourself, of which you should be proud. And if someone can't handle that and shows this kind of immaturity by blocking you, well, you're better off my friend. Because what is bothering her is that you just decided to step up for yourself and show her you are alright with blocking her out of your life. You did all the chasing and right now you just stopped and said: 'Wait a minute. What am I doing?' She notices this. She just wants you to start begging again to unblock you. But keep going, and you will see the magic happen when they suddenly seem to chase you. Sometimes to get someone's attention, you need to remove yours. Funny thing.

 

You don't want to get stuck in a situation where no outcome feels like the right one. Where you get hurt by remaining friends, but on the other hand you don't want to hurt your ex by not remaining friends. I've been stuck at that limbo for way too long. Thinking I was healed within three weeks of the break-up, just to keep her in my life as a friend. I was such a fool. But at some point I think everyone will realize that you can't go on getting hurt time after time just to please someone else. You will remove the source of the pain. And getting removed from someone else his or her life hurts, whether you are the dumper or not. You experienced that feeling first hand when your ex dumped you.

 

I remained friends on FB, but could not handle her posts (the 'Oh, look how I'm living my dream life' kind of posts) so I blocked her from my timeline. But after that she would like my status and pictures, so I confronted her that I did not like it, it hurts me, and she instantly deleted me of her FB. I told her, just like you, I will add you when I'm ready for it. But five months later she added me anyway, and I confronted her about not respecting my boundaries. She flipped at me and that was that. Blocked her from that day on. It sucks, never wanted to hurt her, but when you put boundaries up for yourself, stick to them. Or be a walk over instead.

Edited January 11, 2016 by NVO

[Chi townD]

Wow, okay...first off. If you make positive changes in your life, you don't do them to try to "win" someone back. I can tell you right now, it never works. You make positive changes for you and you alone. NC and positive changes are going to help you heal from this. To help you move on.

 

 

Here's the painful rub for you, dude. She made a choice and, unfortunately, it wasn't you. Therefore, you have to move on. No Contact means exactly that. NO CONTACT! If she texts you, you ignore it. If she calls, you let it go to voicemail. If she emails you, you ignore it.

 

 

Time to heal and move on, dude.