Pure agony, hope that sharing my story will be useful

January 10, 2016

Hello guys, I follow your posts/topics for a while now and I decided to take action and telling you my story too.

Right now I'm destroyed but still, I have managed to keep a decent no contact policy, if you tell me what do you think about my story for sure I will appreciate that!

I'm 25. She is 23. We meet 2 and half years ago via an online website. Our relationship lasted these 2 and half years.

This was my first real/long relationship.

It started with her falling in love for me I fell for her roughly 6 to 7 months after the start. We were deeply connected and went through a lot.

She always repeted to me: "I will never leave you" an infinite amount of times. I was so dumb to believe that sometimes, while some other times I didn't trust her completely.

The last time she said that to me was during summer 2015. Suddenly she stopped. No more "I love you" messages. Anyway we kept going on like nothing happened.

You know our sex was always problematic. During this summer 2015 I took action and I go to a specific doctor for a check and to get some advice. During sex I was the main problem however she never really helped me. She made me feel guilty as ****.

However the bad times she gave me were balanced by all the beatiful stuff she did for me. I felt her so close to me like no one ever did before

The day after my (expensive as ****) visit/check to the specialist I tell her how we can proceed to fix it. It was august '15.

She quickly change subject. The day after I insist on the topic and we both end up in tears.

She confessed to me that she didn't find me attractive anymore. At the same time I felt similar for her but I was still in pain.

Even if I didn't find her attractive back then I knew one thing for sure: I always wanted to be with her.

Despite this drama we keep the relationship going but things are different. We don't tell each other "I love you" anymore. And months passed quickly.

I love you was not there but some kind of love was still present. We continued staying together and still had beatiful moments.

In december I had the oppurtunity to make a travel of at least 14 days far from my country (4000 km).

I asked to her about it, I was not sure of doing that travel, but she convinced me to just go and do that experience.

So, december 1st I fly away from my country. She accompanied me to the airport in the middle of the night.

Right when the plane took off she text me: "I love you". I was so happy. In the past months I tried to tell her I love her many times but she didn't replied to that.

Also the days before my trip we were back to the same connection we had before. We were happy together and I saw it in her eyes that she wanted me a lot.

The travel

The first 3 days of trip everything is good but I notice one thing: I'm the one who always call her.

The 5th day was a saturday. That day she was cold a lot via text.

And suddenly she stops texting me for like 6 hours during saturday night. She told me that night that she hung out with one of her friends but for a long list of reason I didn't believe her.

I thought to another guy.

I didn't push her I just leave her one message: "Hey I hope everything is alright" or something like that.

I receive a text from her at 3:00 am. "I was outside" that's it.

Of course it was the kind of passive aggressive message, the "I'm ready to fight" ones.

I was pissed off and I told her "why you disappeared like that?".

Her reply:

"What else do you me to do?! I stayed with you all this months, I went with you in the middle of the night at the airport despite I had to work the following morning, I can't keep going on like this. I don't want to going on."

What looked like a "normal" fight turned out with her leaving me. She left me (even if I didn't believe in that first) via text while I was 4000KM.

And from that day she became always angrier. Her text were becoming meaner every day:

"Stay there and build your new life there. Don't come back"

"With you I endured things that no smart human being would have endured"

"You never fought for me!"

And much heavier insults or **** like that.

My "holiday" turned out to be a nightmare. I didn't knew where to go to cry. I cried everyday, I was crying while I was wandering for the streets of a city I didn't knew. I couldn't stand still I was in pure anxiety. My heart hurt not only in a abstract way but also in a phisical one.

I almost had a panic attack. More than once actually.

However I don't think I lost her yet. So I start to prepare a gift for her.

I also wrote a long ass letter which was included in the gift.

The letter simply stated my feelings for her and asked her this: "Are you sure you want to break up after all the things we had together? Is this issue so big that we can't fix it together?"

My return

I arrived in my country during december 16th. In the morning. Of course she is not there (at the airport) cause she were working all day long.

She is still cold as **** via text. She told me that she just got fired from her job. (basically the job contract expired and they decided to not keep her).

I try to tell her to meet me during the evening, anyway she tells me that first she will go to dinner with her best friend, and that she will see me only after that.

I should explode in pure anger at this point but I don't. I try to stay calm. And I say ok.

We end up on meeting at midnight. I give my gift to her. I worked a lot for this gift and she looks happy.

It was a wednesday night and I'm hurt like hell cause during this day usually she slept at my place, and the day after we always have been together.

However it stilll looks that she wants to leave me. She goes home.

The real break up

It has been 2 days. Almost no contact from her, and when she texted me was to discuss/fight about my mistakes.

I decide that I want my reply (in the letter I asked her if we'll be together or not in this relationship).

So I scheduled another surprise (gift for her). I saw in google that usually gifting 15 red roses has one meaning: "I am sorry for my mistakes."

I knew that during that damn saturday she left her work during the afternoon. So I made her a surprise and waited for her near her car.

She was surprised but at the same time I don't think she was super happy.

We talked for 2 hours where she told me all my mistakes (like she was perfect...) blamed on me for everything and definitly left me.

Aftermath

I passed my worst holiday ever: Christmas, New Years Eve, etc. I'm still in pain of course, I barely eat, not sleeping well.

I keep taking care of myself but it's hard.

I constantly think about her. Probably obsessive thinking.

I break the no contact during christmas. She told me that it's there for me if I need her (she wants to stay friends). Anyway she can't help me in no way right now.

I started seeing again my psychologist and my psychiatrist, I'm in depression since I met her (lol), from at least 2 years I'm under meds (Efexor..). And yep she knew that, but still left me like **** and blamed me for everything.

She is not the right person from me, she hurt me more than once, however I was so weak that I never managed to leave her. Cause I wanted to leave her, more than once.

Now she broke the no contact some days ago.

She asked me: "How do you feel?"

"Better. Now I'm fine. What about you?"

"Fine thanks"

However she contacted me 3 days str8 with other messages. I replied the first 2 days to those 2 messages than I didn't replied no more.

The human mind is crazy guys. I'm here, I know that she is not the right person from me, she does not deserve me (btw everyone around always told me that I'm way out of her league: I'm more than her mentally, phisically, and basically in everything)

She was just lucky that no one before her appreciated me as a boyfriend. My parents always told me that she won the ****ing lottery with me.

Despite all of this the human mind is crazy.

Cause:

- I'm better than her, a lot, and I know that

- She never helped me out, while I helped her in EVERYTHING guys I swear, you can't even imagine in how many things I helped in her life.

- She hurt me, during the relationship and even during the break up, she did the worse she could do

But somehow I still want her back :| can you believe this ****?

If you read everything thank you for your time. Any thoughts about this is really appreciate. I hope this helps me and who knows, maybe it helps someone out there too...

Edited January 10, 2016 by RandomTraveller

January 10, 2016

You are heart broken. The end of a relationship causes emotional pain & regret.

You want the happiness you shared back. You miss that part of her & that part of the two of you because it was enjoyable.

However, intellectually you know that ending this is the best thing so listen to your head even when your heart or parts south suggest you revisit being with her.

January 13, 2016

You are heart broken. The end of a relationship causes emotional pain & regret.

You want the happiness you shared back. You miss that part of her & that part of the two of you because it was enjoyable.

However, intellectually you know that ending this is the best thing so listen to your head even when your heart or parts south suggest you revisit being with her.

Thanks for the tip man, it's so hard. I am barely able to stay in my own room since we spent many hours in here... I'm keeping no contact at my best, my psychologist contratulated with me for not contacting her.... at least it's something

January 16, 2016

You are heart broken. The end of a relationship causes emotional pain & regret.

You want the happiness you shared back. You miss that part of her & that part of the two of you because it was enjoyable.

However, intellectually you know that ending this is the best thing so listen to your head even when your heart or parts south suggest you revisit being with her.

fell sorry for you bro.be strong i ve been the same situation as uou do.what i recomended to you just get back to the source that is yourself find back what your passion or love in life keep busy.stay no contact rules if you can.do aome meditation i belive if we love ourself more than before get back to oneness with ourself then when you ready the better partner will come to us.the last one just a lesson for us to be better to handle situation inside or outside from our reality in life.

January 23, 2016

So.... I'm thinking in writing something in here cause I'm kinda in pure pain again.

Today it was a ****ty day (kinda). I had a few moments of happiness but mostly I only felt sadness.

Cause of course I miss her.

And guess what, who tries to contact me tonight? her.

You don't know this but every week since the BU she text me: "How are you?" Every. Single. Weekend. Probably she feels more like **** during the weekend? Dunno.

Funny right? You stab one person in the heart and then you ask him/her "How does it feel?"

Tonight she text me the usual: "How are you?".

Of course I didn't reply cause I'm working hard to keep no contact at all costs.

Tonight she text more and finally, after no replies from me she adds:

"I just wanted to know how you were doing. Goodbye, this time is for forever."

Damn that was hard to take in. She just stated the definitive goodbye.

However I'm keeping no contact at all costs. It's hard so I just thought of sharing this maybe I will feel a little better. (I know I'll be better I mean in the short term)

So much pain. However I keep my way with no contact. Doesn't matter what she says I know she doesn't give a **** about me she's just checking in to see how much I'm in pain.

Afterall despite I probably still love her, I can't forget the fact that she treated me like **** even during the relationship.

I always supported her in everything and she even admitted that I was the person that more than everybody changed her life. She got a ****load of upgrades thanks to my support (not talking about the financial one).

I asked her help during the relationship twice. Twice. In almost 3 years. And she wasn't able to help me.

Not only that she also dumped me via text like I wrote in my op.

I wonder what kind of life people like this deserve.

Anyway I try to keep my faith. I know I'll find someone better who really deserves me.

I hope the next time I log into this topic it will be to write something positive!

Edited January 23, 2016 by RandomTraveller

January 23, 2016

So.... I'm thinking in writing something in here cause I'm kinda in pure pain again.
Today it was a ****ty day (kinda). I had a few moments of happiness but mostly I only felt sadness.

Cause of course I miss her.

And guess what, who tries to contact me tonight? her.
You don't know this but every week since the BU she text me: "How are you?" Every. Single. Weekend. Probably she feels more like **** during the weekend? Dunno.

Funny right? You stab one person in the heart and then you ask him/her "How does it feel?"

Tonight she text me the usual: "How are you?".
Of course I didn't reply cause I'm working hard to keep no contact at all costs.

Tonight she text more and finally, after no replies from me she adds:
"I just wanted to know how you were doing. Goodbye, this time is for forever."

Damn that was hard to take in. She just stated the definitive goodbye.

However I'm keeping no contact at all costs. It's hard so I just thought of sharing this maybe I will feel a little better. (I know I'll be better I mean in the short term)

So much pain. However I keep my way with no contact. Doesn't matter what she says I know she doesn't give a **** about me she's just checking in to see how much I'm in pain.
Afterall despite I probably still love her, I can't forget the fact that she treated me like **** even during the relationship.

I always supported her in everything and she even admitted that I was the person that more than everybody changed her life. She got a ****load of upgrades thanks to my support (not talking about the financial one).

I asked her help during the relationship twice. Twice. In almost 3 years. And she wasn't able to help me.
Not only that she also dumped me via text like I wrote in my op.

I wonder what kind of life people like this deserve.

Anyway I try to keep my faith. I know I'll find someone better who really deserves me.

I hope the next time I log into this topic it will be to write something positive!

Good job brotha. She was just trying to ease her own guilt. I know it was tough to not answer, I definitely would have caved. Keep your dignity and strength! Just remember the right girl is on her way and she's coming to you as fast as she can.

January 23, 2016

Good job brotha. She was just trying to ease her own guilt. I know it was tough to not answer, I definitely would have caved. Keep your dignity and strength! Just remember the right girl is on her way and she's coming to you as fast as she can.

Thanks man! Today of course it was a disaster anyway I talked with my psychologist via phone and that was a little bit helpful.

I'm glad that I have not gave up and talked/replied to her

February 2, 2016

Ok I treat this topic like my personal journal instead of opening other ones... it would be nice to change the title

So I'm here just after the 1000th crying spell. I feel destroyed. I just undressed my self ready to go to bed cause I was about taking my damn car and go up to her house to say hi to her.

I want her back so much. I had a terapy session today with my psychologist today and clearly he said to me that what I feel for her is not love. Is addiction.

Right now I managed to keep up the no contact rule, after all roughly 26 days have passed and I don't want to destroy my personal record in less than a second.

She treated me like ****, insulted me, and many other disgusting things b4 and after break up.

Even if I did the inventory of the RS even if with my psychologist we discussed about all her flaws (I got a list of flaws about her that it's huge) I still feel this damn need. I still want her. Why the hell I still want her.

It sucks, today I was barely able to work. Hope tomorrow will be better than now... I learned that not every day it gets better, even if it's of course a step towards full recovery

I was also very tempted to check her FB, make a friend request to her, but right now I managed to stay in control and far from FB.

Damn :|

February 3, 2016

I was also very tempted to check her FB, make a friend request to her, but right now I managed to stay in control and far from FB.

Stay here. Keep writing. Here.

We help each other here; we try to keep each other from reaching out to the drug. Time and time again. You know what happens when addicts fail to the temptation? They have a great short period of relief - followed by intense regret and pain; usually more intense than before. Besides the fact that they need to start all over again.

And yes, your therapist is 100% right. You are an addict. In these boards, we all are.

February 8, 2016

Aaand she's back. Of course she unblocked me and know asks me for a coffee together + another heavy message.

Immediately contacted my psychologist, he said to me to wait tomorrow and we'll answer to her together, since I endured so much pain to keep no contact + I'm far from balanced I agreed.

However I dunno if his ideas will not be good (imo I mean) what will happen.

I don't want to meet her for a coffee, is too soon, but I would like my ****ing damn apologies for how I have been treated after all I've done.

We'll see what will happen

February 22, 2016

And here I am. Feeling pretty much destroyed again.

I think I saw her tonight in a club in my city. The crazy thing is that I'm not even sure that it was her I didn't looked her in the eye/face too much I was in fear of being seen.

Dunno if it was her. Dunno if I was saw by her. But I'm still in pieces.

I don't even know why. My night was not going gr8, talked with a few girls, being rejected twice but I overcome my worst fears many times during this night.

Anyway that single event was enough to literally destroy me.

I immidiately left the club.

I really hope to wake up tomorrow morning and feeling better.

I don't even know why I'm so hurt. It's over I don't see her since December 2015.

**** probably I still miss her so much. A few weeks ago she reached out to me with probably the intention of going back together (not sure, but I don't even wanna know).

After talking with my psychologist we basically decided to break the no contact and send her a reply.

Basically I rejected her and told her that I'm not ready to meet her. And also that I have to focus 100% on me right now.

I suggested to do the exact same thing, I wished her all the best, with the hope to see her in a lot of time. And to see each other in the future like 2 different and better personalities.

I just want to move on. I just want to find another girl to date but I've been rejected many times right now so no luck...

Also I have to be really careful on which girl to date.

I read an article that says that if the date/girl doesn't go well (if we don't like her for example) there's an high risk to returning home feeling worse than before and desiring again our ex even more.

Damn

I have no intentions in going back to her but this period is so hard. Thank god I have a few friends and a good psychologist.

I end up missing her always for the most wrong reason: cause I feel I'm alone. Pure loneliness despite I see almost every day people who care about me.

I also had suiciadal thoughs. I would never do that cause I know pretty well what pain I would cause the people who love me.

And I also know that this rainy period will end.

It's just that the road seems so ****ing long

And I question myself, asking to me: "Am I doing the right thing on insisting to meet new girls? Am I doing the right thing on pushing myself constantly out of my confort zone?"

February 22, 2016

And I also know that this rainy period will end.

It's just that the road seems so ****ing long

And I question myself, asking to me: "Am I doing the right thing on insisting to meet new girls? Am I doing the right thing on pushing myself constantly out of my confort zone?"

I know, it feels like it'll be forever. Also, if you're going out and meeting new girls and it's only making you sadder, you don't have to push yourself out of your comfort zone right now. I know, for example, that I hate change, I always have, and I prefer familiarity. A lot of people do. So change, like going out to meet new people, might be less comforting than just sticking with things that are familiar at the beginning.

Meeting new people is always a little bit intimidating, and it's even harder when you're at your saddest and least confident. Sometimes it's better to just stay in for a while since it can be unrealistic to expect that going out and meeting new people so soon will cheer you up.

Once you're comfortable with your familiar reality again, then go out and meet new people. I personally think that's better than pushing yourself before you feel ready. Now, if you still felt this way after like, a year, maybe then you should go out anyways. But right now you definitely don't have to.

March 2, 2016

A little update. This time it's a little bit more positive post. I'm starting to feel better.

I don't miss her much anymore and when I'm sad right now is cause I feel a little bit lonely or for depression... Not anymore because of her.

Of course I would still like to have my apologies from her since I'm still very offended by her words and stupid behavior. But I know that in reality that will not happen

Now I'm in contact with other girls that I like more and hopefully my first date after breakup will arrive soon

I'm writing here cause yesterday obv she contacted me again. I did not reply.

It was the usual ****ty message again on how I'm doing. Like always I thought that if she really want to know that she can call me. And she never called me

I'm worried about real life stuff again, stuff that matters like my job and my real goals.

Of course is not a thing to be proud of (being worried as ****) but I'm glad that my emotive part of the brain realized what really matters.

It's my 10 or 11 week after breakup

Hopefully the guys who are reading this will be a little bit relieved. It gets better and even if she was "the love of your life" keep in mind that it's full of girls out there. My 2 cent advice: keep the focus on you and in improving your life and you will attract people with an interesting life too

March 2, 2016

A little update. This time it's a little bit more positive post. I'm starting to feel better.
I don't miss her much anymore and when I'm sad right now is cause I feel a little bit lonely or for depression... Not anymore because of her.

Of course I would still like to have my apologies from her since I'm still very offended by her words and stupid behavior. But I know that in reality that will not happen

Now I'm in contact with other girls that I like more and hopefully my first date after breakup will arrive soon

I'm writing here cause yesterday obv she contacted me again. I did not reply.
It was the usual ****ty message again on how I'm doing. Like always I thought that if she really want to know that she can call me. And she never called me

I'm worried about real life stuff again, stuff that matters like my job and my real goals.
Of course is not a thing to be proud of (being worried as ****) but I'm glad that my emotive part of the brain realized what really matters.

It's my 10 or 11 week after breakup

Hopefully the guys who are reading this will be a little bit relieved. It gets better and even if she was "the love of your life" keep in mind that it's full of girls out there. My 2 cent advice: keep the focus on you and in improving your life and you will attract people with an interesting life too

First of all, pardon my poor English. I've been reading about your experience and I feel I can relate on many levels. I'm glad you're making such a big progress, because it really sounds like BIG progress.

One thing, though: don't obsess too much over getting an apology from her. If she's been blaming you for everything all along (my case too), chances of her realizing her mistakes are scarce. For some people it's much easier to shy away from responsibilities. In any event, what do you need apologies for? After all, her faults are hers and only hers. You're seeing a therapist, which means that, unlike her, you're ready to face your weaknesses, admit them and improve. I'm sure she can't say the same.

Stay strong.

March 20, 2016

Okay so I think it's time for a little update. Thanks for anyone that still reads this, I appreciate that.

To avoid writing a huge wall of text I'll try to get to the point:

A little series of events made my ex call me to my phone. No more stupid ****ing short messages.

And I picked up. I broke no contact.

I did it only because I was 100% sure that I was not going back with her.

We talked a little bit in a little bit strange conversation:

Me: "I don't think it's a good idea to see each other. You would end up hurt too."

Her: "I'm sure that I would not. I would appreciate to meet you."

Me: "Nope, not ready" (of course these weren't the exact words).

I close the call after saying her goodbye in a polite and calm tone.

Then, the anger. I was so ****ing angry.

What the **** does this girl think of doing? Simply forgot all the **** she did to me and hanging around my life as friend who kinda spies my life?

I lost it guys. I exploded in rage.

I didn't decide to call her again. Cause a call doesn't get saved. A message was necessary something that can stay there unless deleted. Pure text that you can't reply to until you read everything.

The message was super long but in short:

"Honestly I highly doubt it that I will ever forget what you have done to me. You treated me worse than my worst enemy, no one in my entire life hated me so much without a reason. I don't want people like you in my life."

She got pissed off and angry too. Told me that she was mature (yep very mature to leave your bf via sms when he was to the other side of the world + insulting him so much to instigate him to suicide) and that I was the bad guy that basically was touchy/peevish.

She told me that I didn't understand her cause she was so much hurt that she couldn't take it anymore.

Basically she designed me like one guy that abused her. lol. I never ever been aggressive to her, never lift a single finger against her, never being harsh or whatever behavior you could mark as abusive.

I told her that even if she was in deep pain for whatever stupid/retarded reason in her mind her behavior against me is not justified. You can't treat like **** a person who have done so much for your life.

(in the call 10 minutes earlier: "You changed my life and helped me in a lot of situations and I want to know how you are doing and if you are fine")

So she KNOWS and she's aware of all the good things I did for her. Despite that, still treated me like ****, she put particular effort in making me suffer during the break up.

Then she told me adios and I did the same. And she blocked me. After 2 replies. The final proof that she is so dumb that she can't even stand a discussion.

Basically she told me: "I'm the one who's right, you are wrong" and blocked me like a 6 years old.

Probably she thinks that I would reply to her after that farewell but she is wrong.

+++++++++++

A kinda of positive thing: I started dating again. Right now I met one girl but honestly something tells me that I don't like her.

Even if this one is like 9000 times better than my ex in EVERYTHING: life, work, beauty, mind.

For sure I'm not fully recovering because two days ago despite everything I still thought about my ex. Kinda missing her again.

Anyway I don't give up. **** her and the stupidity that it's around her.

These people don't deserve anything. I will never talk to her again unless I have my ****ing apologies.

I regret a lot of things I did for her. Only god knows how many times I did the extra mile for that retarded girl. And she clearly didn't appreciated that enough.

My therapist told me that I was doing the right things with my heart... only to the wrong person. I must do those things for a girl/woman that deserve everything I do for her.

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Pure agony, hope that sharing my story will be useful

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