Emsings Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Hi all, So I'm in Taiwan. I've been dating this English guy for about a month now. We had the agreement on dating non-exclusively on our first date -- I brought it up cause I had been dating someone else, but that guy (Australian) was leaving for good soon anyway, and I also had this non-exclusive agreement with that Aussie too. I just still felt kinda bad when I went on the first date with this English guy. But things went really well. We hit it off, and now all his closer friends know about me and us dating, vice versa. They all seem excited for us. So I brought up the exclusivity talk with him near the end of our 3rd date. We'd hung out alone about 4 other times in other social contexts afterwards. It seems every time we see each other, we're bound to end up spending the night together. (Not just sex. We always spend most of the time talking a lot sharing thoughts. He even took me to play poll and snooker one time) Anyway. We had different definitions. I think seeing someone exclusively doesn't necessarily mean bf gf. Sometimes when you like someone, you just like them, and would not want to see anyone else but them. So seeing them exclusively, to me, is kind of like trying out and seeing how it goes. If it doesn't go well, you can always move on to whatever. But to him, seeing someone exclusively means bf gf. So he said let's not complicate things and take it slow - we'd just gone on 3 dates. So he suggested to keep it casual and fun. I wasn't happy with the result, but he seemed really concerned about my feelings and made me talk about them with him, even though I didn't want to at first. He really made sure I knew he likes me a lot, and wants to be more than friends. He's just not ready to commit yet. He also encouraged me to go out with other guys as well, "if that's what you wanna do, don't not do it because of me." Couple days ago on our 4th date, I playfully told him my plan on this past Sat was to steal him after the live music/bday party. He said, "Are you? Hm. Okay." Yesterday when we both went to that party thing, the crazy crowd was overwhelming for me so I wanted to leave after he played live. When I said bye to him, he just said, "You're leaving? Okay. Bye." Then cause my girlfriend really wanted to stay, so I stayed with her for another hour. He was just being a social butterfly as he usually is, talking to everyone. When I was finally leaving for real, I went say bye to people I knew including him. Everyone in that small group he was in said bye to me except for him. He was busy talking with another girl. And I overheard him saying, "Great let's hang out!" It just really got me. I've been upset about that since. I mean, he always plans our dates and would never tell me where he's taking me, because he likes surprising me (or girls in general I guess). On the first date, he took me to a nice little French restaurant and took a stroll to a beautiful park. Second date, he took me to a nice little park and took out boxes of dinner that he'd cooked for us. Aw. Third date, he took me into the mountains to see the New Year's Eve fireworks. He'd got 2 boxes of strawberries, a box of cherries, cream, and chocolate to dip with for us. Also a blanket, because we took my car and it was bound to be chilly in the mountains. Fourth date, he took me to another nice little Greek restaurant/bar to play poll then another place to play darts. (I was too tired then, so we didn't play darts but just chilled there) He also has been very honest with me too. Like he's told me it's hard to find high-quality girls, white or Asian girls alike. Same with guys too. A lot of girls can't really hold the conversation, but I can actually talk about lots of things. He also admitted he has no trouble attracting women. And he acknowledged a woman as attractive as I am, "I'm not kissing up or anything you know, I'm just talking about it objectively," would have guys after me all the time. A guy he knew approached me several times in a live music event, when I was sitting next to my guy all the time. That guy flirted with me and even kinda grabbed my arm a bit. My guy was paying attention and he subtly asked me "Are you okay" when that guy was distracted. My guy also took me to a park next to the venue when he saw me standing at the stairs, not wanting to go back to the drunk social scene. So I mean, I think he's very level-headed and knows what's up and what he's doing. He also seems to know himself very well as well, and knows what he wants (so he says and so it seems). I guess I'm just kinda impatient? It just feels so bad when he didn't even say a proper goodbye to me... What should I do? Should I say no to his next date proposal and have him know I'm not always available for him? (We're both very busy so usually only have time for a date per week on Thursdays). Or should I just go out with him as usual anyways? I'll definitely talk about this with him, because he always wants me to talk about things with him when I'm upset. I just don't know when I should bring that up. I might still feel weird at first when I next see him. But bringing it up as the startoff of a date doesn't seem pleasant... Help please! I don't want to scare him off by constantly bringing up exclusivity-related talks, but him not saying goodbye and chatting up that chick just bugs me.
Buddhist Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Regardless of the dates and the feelings talk I think you know the truth. He's dating other women and keeping you as an option. In particular his actions are trying to stall your developing feelings. And I can only assume that's because he doesn't want them. He's uncomfortable with being exclusive because he wants to date other women and he's telling you to date other guys. This should tell you everything you need to know. 3
nadzz Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 You have to appreciate that he was at least honest. From my experience, if a guy isn't willing to commit to you all on his own, then you forcing him is not going to help. Even if the next talk you have goes well and he agrees to being exclusive (which I doubt) then he will eventually resent you for putting him in a position that he told you initially he didn't want to be in; this will cause you more pain than anything because you may be in love by that point. If you feel like you can't be with him without potentially falling in love, then walk away. I have learned to mirror other people and it has been working out well. if he wants casual, then accept casual but only if you can handle it. Good luck!
Author Emsings Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 Regardless of the dates and the feelings talk I think you know the truth. He's dating other women and keeping you as an option. In particular his actions are trying to stall your developing feelings. And I can only assume that's because he doesn't want them. He's uncomfortable with being exclusive because he wants to date other women and he's telling you to date other guys. This should tell you everything you need to know. So what I'm curious is if I should keep dating him, for a bit of a longer time to see if this becomes official or anything, or should I cut it short now and just stop seeing him? I asked him one time if things keep going so well like this in the future, will he be willing to commit or is he just looking for something more short-term. He said of course he would. But for now, let's take it slow.
Buddhist Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 So what I'm curious is if I should keep dating him, for a bit of a longer time to see if this becomes official or anything, or should I cut it short now and just stop seeing him? I asked him one time if things keep going so well like this in the future, will he be willing to commit or is he just looking for something more short-term. He said of course he would. But for now, let's take it slow. My gut feeling and what I know is that men only want to take it slow when they're not invested. Up to you what to do next, but what you shouldn't expect is any kind of commitment because in all honesty I don't think it will be forthcoming. 2
Glitters Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 While taking slow is better, in my opinion but he is keeping his options open and doesn't sound that he is done with playing the field. Interested guys, act interested and would fear losing the woman they want , to another guy. Period.
Author Emsings Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) Thanks guys. Much appreciated! But I don't know. I honestly think he is very likely to commit to me if I just chill out, let go of the fixation on labels that I want him to give, and just focus on having a good time together when we're together. I know him pretty well. And yes, he's probably dating other women, but people should have done dating around with enough people/candidates to actually compare and know that this girl/guy is different, and is what they actually connect with, right? I'm certain and confident that he's been very happy with me, with all the intelligent discussions, silly/playful lines, and the intimate moments. He's introduced me to his friends too - kind of, the pizzeria with regular live music bi-weekly where we hang out at is where they often hang out, and he's introduced me to basically all the people I haven't met in town there. He knows everyone. His closer girl friends (who both have boyfriends and are all good friends with him) were excited greeting me yesterday at the party. One of them was like, "Hiii Emily! So good to see you!" And hugged me. I said "I think we haven't officially met, but I've heard a lot of things about you from C(our mutual good friend who's close with A) and A(my guy)!" She then said, "Yeah, I've been hearing a lot of things about you, too! From both A and C!" Another girl friend of his asked me about how's it going with us, because she'd heard we were dating... And she was abroad in Australia for Christmas when she heard that! So I mean, he must've said something to them about me/us dating?! Or maybe it's just my coworker/good friend C who told his gf about us and all. But anyways. Edited January 10, 2016 by Emsings
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Why do you persist? Everyone is trying to (gently) point out to you that this guy is not as 'in' to you, as you are to him, yet you insist on hanging on by your fingernails, 'just in case'. Honey - nothing will change. He has made it crystal clear - through his actions - that he is a free agent, and wants to stay that way. Please, take the blinkers off, and see things clearly. He is perfectly content to stay unattached. Any other commitment would have been demonstrated by now. If he has not focused solely on you, up to now, I'm pretty sure he never will. And even if you were to manage to get him to date you exclusively, how likely do you think it would be that he would have eyes for you, only? 1
Robratory Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 So what I'm curious is if I should keep dating him, for a bit of a longer time to see if this becomes official or anything, or should I cut it short now and just stop seeing him? Frankly, from the very start, don't stand for a non-exclusive sexual relationship unless you like for yourself the ability to sleep around. If you don't, then there's no upside for you. He's indulging his little playboy fantasy, and all you get is an increased risk of STDs. 1
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 So what I'm curious is if I should keep dating him, for a bit of a longer time to see if this becomes official or anything, or should I cut it short now and just stop seeing him? I asked him one time if things keep going so well like this in the future, will he be willing to commit or is he just looking for something more short-term. He said of course he would. But for now, let's take it slow. He's a musician...women are attracted to musicians, musicians want to get laid by as many women as they can. 1
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Tip: let's take things slow=you are an option. 2
LydiaLong Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Aside from your ubiquitous use of 'so,' I must agree with the others. You cannot make someone want to be with you exclusively.
Glitters Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 If you are confident , then what's the idea of this post ?
Author Emsings Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) He's a musician, but not that good actually. I'm a semi-professional musician who won multiple musical awards. More guys expressed interests after I played than women expressing interests to him after he played. He usually gets women through conversations I think. So it's nice that we both love music, but I'm not attracted to him because of his music. Confidence - I'm confident with how we're both happy around each other, and also I know what I want, but I'm not sure what to do next with him. Excuse my ignorance but what does that have to do with being confident? It's his part that I don't quite understand. I just saw a woman on facebook that looks like the one he was talking to, and she has a boyfriend and has known my guy for a while. So if she was the case, they were just talking. I don't want to sound like I'm not taking any of your kind advice, because I do appreciate it. But doesn't it usually take around 1-2 months for a person to commit? I read that on a survey as an average How long does it usually take you to commit? Or how many dates? I guess there's no right answer for that, everyone's different. But just asking. Edited January 10, 2016 by Emsings
Buddhist Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 But doesn't it usually take around 1-2 months for a person to commit? I read that on a survey as an average How long does it usually take you to commit? Or how many dates? I guess there's no right answer for that, everyone's different. But just asking. Not always. I'm over 40 and well every single guy I've ever dated has been exclusive with me from day one. This exclusive/not/commitment talk stuff seems to be pretty particular to US culture if I'm being honest. I'm Australian. I'm actually surprised he's playing this card since he's British and their culture is fairly similar to ours. But then things might have changed over there, I don't know. If you want to keep dating him that's your choice and prerogative. I'm just seeing a Romeo here that wants everything casual forever based on his actions. That's fine if it's what you want too. I know it's hard as an ex-pat to find other ex-pats to date and you might be reluctant to let go. And if the good times with him are good enough then maybe you don't need to. I just don't want you to get your hopes up that he'll soon be calling you his gf because based on this I don't think it's happening. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 He's a musician, but not that good actually. I'm a semi-professional musician who won multiple musical awards. More guys expressed interests after I played than women expressing interests to him after he played. He usually gets women through conversations I think. So it's nice that we both love music, but I'm not attracted to him because of his music. Confidence - I'm confident with how we're both happy around each other, and also I know what I want, but I'm not sure what to do next with him. Excuse my ignorance but what does that have to do with being confident? It's his part that I don't quite understand. I just saw a woman on facebook that looks like the one he was talking to, and she has a boyfriend and has known my guy for a while. So if she was the case, they were just talking. I don't want to sound like I'm not taking any of your kind advice, because I do appreciate it. But doesn't it usually take around 1-2 months for a person to commit? I read that on a survey as an average How long does it usually take you to commit? Or how many dates? I guess there's no right answer for that, everyone's different. But just asking. My boyfriend knew from the moment we met that we had a connection that made him loose all interest in pursuing other women. The vast majority of men who are SMITTEN and who truly fall head over heels and "madly in love" with their girls, ALL know from the outset that they wish to focus on this new, special woman. Yes it's weird and desperate to declare intense feelings or actually TALK about a relationship right away! But nearly EVERY man knows if they will fall hard for a girl immediately, based on the electricity (or lack thereof) that is felt. Then sensible guys get to know the girl, exclusively, to confirm or disprove that the girl is also an emotional and intellectual match in addition to the magnetic chemistry. To make a man fall for you, you truly need the wow factor immediately. As soon as they site you, they need to find you attractive and feel magnetic chemistry. And THEN it's about hanging out to see if you click on enough levels in order to warrant a serious life commitment. If this man felt the fireworks and intrigue and was enamoured by you, AND also felt that you two clicked and had great potential. ..... he would likely not be dating around or talking about you dating other men. Men (and women) have relatively un evolved brains. Men are still largely following their cave men urges and desires. Men are jealous by nature. ... while being too controlling is a red flag, MOST men will invariably feel uncomfortable and a little jealous if a woman tbey truly feel is special is multi dating ........ Lastly, men fall in love differently to us women. Women can feel lukewarm about a guy that they may have mild attraction for, only to fall head over heels for him! Men on the other hand, either fall HARD and FAST and know right away if a woman gets under their skin...... or they never "grow" to be "enamoured " or " smitten " or " head over heels in love". Most men tend to fall fast or they never totally fall for a woman. The fact your guy STILL isn't compelled to focus solely on you is telling. It means he hasn't started falling hard for you and likely never will. Sorry. ALL the men that fell the hardest for my friends and I ALL started to fall for us from date one. ALL the men who started out casual/chill/ not wanting labels /, they ALL turned out to just not be that into us. Yes some couples fall for each other really slowly; this can work but signals a primary emphasis on compatibility (that may well be 10/10) without any chemistry. .... MOST couples have a fair degree of chemistry AND compatability in order to make love last. And that usually entails the man knowing right away if he is still into dating other women. It's not a marriage proposal. ....when a man meets a woman he can potentially fall really hard for, he looses interest in other women.
tuxedo cat Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 He's textbook leading you on. Telling you he just wants to take things slow and is open to a relationship developing, while he pursues other girls (in your face), is the definition of leading on. It's one thing to be taking it slow in order to get to know you better before making a commitment and another to be actively pursuing other people. Don't bother with him.
Redhead14 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I honestly think he is very likely to commit to me if I just chill out -- Said all the girls who lied to themselves for months on end when a guy has said and done all the things this guy has . . . Sit back, let him come to you if he's going to. If he calls you for another date and you are available, go out with him. Don't become intimate with him until he does ask for exclusivity. In the meantime, you date other guys . . . and relax. 1
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