sanif Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 So my fiance went out of town last weekend and all of a sudden when he comes back, he was acting weird when I picked him up from the airport. I went to give him a kiss, he acted as if he was 7yrs old again and trying to avoid cooties. He gave me a half assed hug when we were home and then the next day he says that he needs some space. What in the hell that means, I have no clue. It completely came out of left field. I didn't understand this whole need for space especially since we both have somewhat busy schedules and we always try to make it a point to have at least a day where we can hang out and be with each other. Everything seemed fine before and during the time he was gone. Before he left, things were great. I even played hookie from work the day before he left so I can spend the day with him at the beach and then to a baseball game. When he was out of town, he would call me everyday to tell me whats going on, tell me he missed me and one day even played a song on the phone he said he would like for it to be our wedding song. But then he comes back acting odd. I asked what's going on, what's going through your mind? Did I say or do something to upset you? Did something happen while you were away? All of which he answered, no. I asked him, will you tell me what's going on and he said maybe. All of this is leading me to believe that he wasn't the most faithful during the last day or 2 of his trip. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt though becuase he never gave me any suspiscion of him cheating in the 3 yrs we've been together, he is in the middle of trying to find a new job because we want to relocate and also trying to finish graduate school. Plus planning a wedding, which we don't really have plans for much less a date. Stressful, yes, but that still doesn't justify in my mind why he acted to way he did when he came home. He pretty much avoids me when I'm home and doesn't even sleep in the same bed with me. He even pees with the bathroom door closed, which is something he never does. This is the first time I ever heard "I need space" come out of someone's mouth and I am so confused.
Marshbear Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 I would say he met someone on his trip and is confused now. Needing space is a precursor to breaking up. He just doesn't want to tell you the relationship is in trouble. You might try talking to him if he will discuss it with you. It sucks and you don't deserve it but life happens. Sorry...
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 "I need space" = "I need time to figure out if I want to stay in this relationship." Whether or not he was unfaithful could have some bearing on this - or it could be that he simply realized on his trip that he wasn't as into this relationship as he should be and is second guessing the 'marriage' direction this relationship has taken. When a person says "I need space" the very best thing you can do is realize that you are part of what he needs 'space' from - regardless of the reasons for needing the 'space'. You'll need to let him know that you respect his decision to need 'space' and then give him lots of emotional space. If he was unfaithful, he would rather rip off his own arms and eat them than admit to you what he has done - so understand that he is not likely to be forthcoming with you if this is the case. Any attempt to 'get to the bottom of it' will be met with further withdrawal, anger, frustration and probably even hostility. Given his behaviors toward you, its apparent that something happened, and its most likely something that he feels he needs to hide from you. His guilt, confusion and frustration over the situation is partly what is causing him to shut you out like this. Maybe you can bite the bullet, sit him down and tell him point blank that you know that something happened that has caused him to act this way. Don't bring up what it is, or question it - but let him know that until this 'something' is resolved, there is no reason to pretend that nothing is wrong and go on with your plans together. Tell him that under the circumstances, you feel that maybe you two should put the idea of marriage aside while you two are working through this. Would you want to consider pre-marital couple's counseling? It may help the two of you say the things to each other that need to be said before your relationship can go any further - things that will ultimately be painful but easier to say when facilitated by an objective third party.
Author sanif Posted June 5, 2005 Author Posted June 5, 2005 Christ, this really sucks. He really put me between a rock and a hard place. If I ask or try to confront him, he'll get pissed, but I also can't just sit here twiddling my thumbs as if nothing is wrong either. Part of me wants to start calling around and start asking people if they know anything, but then that's walking into the area of snooping and maybe some trust issues. However, at this point it feels as if trust might have went out the window.
Sal Paradise Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Reverse it on him, tell him you agree and you've been thinking for a while now that you're unsure about HIM and want space as well. I've heard that this sometimes work so give it a try. Most likely he cheated or met someone when he was gone. Relationship is probably gonna end. You should prepare yourself for that.
smile95 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 we all cannot jump to conclusions....the last thing this girl wants to hear is that he cheated....it is possible it has been on his mind to break up and being away gave his the clear head to do it. Just talk to him. Ask him to be honest and accept what he says. At least you will not be guessing. It is a possibility that he cheated, but you have no proof
Author sanif Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 So we finally talked and he explained to me that he wasn't sure if he wants to marry me. According to him, it's because of the way I am. I told him what the hell does that mean becuase that's an extremely broad statement. I asked him what is it about me that is making you think twice. He doesn't know he says. Now to me, if this is something that has been bothering him, I think he would've been able to name at least 3 things about me that is making him think twice about marriage. He couldn't even give me one, which still makes me a bit suspicious that something happened while in Chicago, even though he said over and over, nothing happened. You would think after dating for more than 3 years, he would be able to give me at least one aspect about myself that makes him uneasy. And also the fact that he proposed to me over a month ago, even had the ring longer than that, really pissed me off, especially since he went old school and asked my parents for permission to marry me and told them that he loved me and can't find no one else like me. I mean at least he is telling me now rather than when we are married, I'll give him that much, but hell, it still hurts that he took me this far. I'm not sure if it's so much a problem with me or the fact he doesn't know what he wants. He can be quite the flip flopper at times, jumping from one opportunity and idea to the next without thoroughly thinking about how it can affect everything else. I asked him point blank what exactly is it you want not just out of life but in a wife and he doesn't even know. He says he just wants to be by himself at the moment. So who knows what will happen. It will be hard especially since we live together, but he's leaving in August to start a new job. I guess it's one of those things that if he does want to be with me deep down, he'll realize it with enough time. Don't know what you've got til it's gone.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 If he can't give you a reason why he doesn't want to be with you anymore, not even one reason, then I would guess he did mess around on you in Chicago. He's being a coward....
superfabulous Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 I would say, he is getting really nervous about the future- being with one person and all. If he does get the space he claims he needs - and is not running around with other women, he should figure it out- what he needs and wants. If you want him to be with you, just show him what space without is like....he'll come around - but set some boundaries for yourself-what to put up with an what not to. I knew a woman who wanted to get married, he man didnt. She stopped all communication, a year later he came back and now they are happily married with children! Better to have space b4 u get married than to go thru an ugly Divorce. I am not married by the way - and have no regrets - i did when i was lonely but all in all we never did could solve our major problems- thing is I havent met anyone I totally dig in 4 years, yet I am happily single today- and meet many men...just not the right one yet! good luck hang tight dont stop your life for anyone!
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