stillafool Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Horton You wanted to know- Husbands other qualities: He is a great father. Loves the children to the end of time. In fact he openly admits that he loves them more than anything in this world. He is innocent, honest, intelligent, and a good man. However not a good communicator and not a good lover that a woman wants: not romantic or helpful with any domestic chores, for example. Bottomline: his only sin is that I feel he has not given me no where near enough love and affection and attention. Common and wishy washy complaint, yet there it is. Maybe to you he isn't a good lover but to another woman he may be a beast in bed. Perhaps you don't inspire him that way. Let him go so he can find a woman who values him and inspires him to be his best. You need to be single so you can have all the sex you want with different men. Please don't stay for the kids as this is not healthy for them to live under lies. 3
oldshirt Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 This isn't simply getting the hits for some dude at work and things going too far. There is some form of maladaption taking place here which is outside the scope of laymen on the internet. You need to get a good therapist and work with therapist on what you to do. 2
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Maybe to you he isn't a good lover but to another woman he may be a beast in bed. Perhaps you don't inspire him that way. That is true. I see married people complaining and acting dissatisfied with their spouse all the time, and I often think to myself "I would kill to have that guy and I would appreciate the HELL out of him every single day". I see husbands acting spoiled and unappreciative too. Marriage puts you in a bubble. 3
aliveagain Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 It's threads like this that enforce my belief that I should remain single. I always believed in marriage but now I think I am better off on my own, too many liars out there. Who can you trust to have your back if you can't trust your spouse? 6
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I panicked and planned my 3rd pregnancy right around the time that I felt I was starting to have an emotional connection with the AP. (..very low I know, but I thought the baby would pull me back towards my family and husband) ..well. I chose him for his other qualities. I don't say this very often RainbowDash but you scare me. Don't see you as addicted but as almost sociopathic in your willingness to use other people to achieve your goals with zero regard for the negative implications of your actions. Manipulative doesn't begin to describe what you've done. I'd guess from your writings there's a good person in there somewhere but with a seriously compromised belief system. End all all the relationships, your H's short term pain will be less than the long-term agony you've shown a willingness to put him through and you're already cheating on the AP you profess to love. Come clean to all as a first step towards clarifying this screwed-up dynamic. Hard to read... Mr. Lucky 1
BettyDraper Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I don't say this very often RainbowDash but you scare me. Don't see you as addicted but as almost sociopathic in your willingness to use other people to achieve your goals with zero regard for the negative implications of your actions. Manipulative doesn't begin to describe what you've done. I'd guess from your writings there's a good person in there somewhere but with a seriously compromised belief system. End all all the relationships, your H's short term pain will be less than the long-term agony you've shown a willingness to put him through and you're already cheating on the AP you profess to love. Come clean to all as a first step towards clarifying this screwed-up dynamic. Hard to read... Mr. Lucky Great minds. When I read the OP's post, the word "sociopath" kept flashing in my head. She shouldn't be in monogamous relationships. She needs to be single and play the field or have polyamorous relationships. 2
Author RainbowDash Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 I don't say this very often RainbowDash but you scare me. Don't see you as addicted but as almost sociopathic in your willingness to use other people to achieve your goals with zero regard for the negative implications of your actions. Manipulative doesn't begin to describe what you've done. I'd guess from your writings there's a good person in there somewhere but with a seriously compromised belief system. End all all the relationships, your H's short term pain will be less than the long-term agony you've shown a willingness to put him through and you're already cheating on the AP you profess to love. Come clean to all as a first step towards clarifying this screwed-up dynamic. Hard to read... Mr. Lucky Yup Was pretty awful stuff for myself too. So thank you again for sharing your thoughts. I do sometimes wonder about my inability to fear and feel the shame and guilt and pain and humiliation to a great level. Of course I feel all of the above. I think I am a very passionate person and I am caring. However I am very selfish and reckless and impulsive, always have been from young. Years of catholic boarding school and type A college and job paths have just helped me suppress my true nature through society expectations and discipline. Therapist gave me the option of couples counselling but the prerequisite is likely to be full disclosure. And I am not certain I want to or should stay married.
BettyDraper Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Yup Was pretty awful stuff for myself too. So thank you again for sharing your thoughts. I do sometimes wonder about my inability to fear and feel the shame and guilt and pain and humiliation to a great level. Of course I feel all of the above. I think I am a very passionate person and I am caring. However I am very selfish and reckless and impulsive, always have been from young. Years of catholic boarding school and type A college and job paths have just helped me suppress my true nature through society expectations and discipline. Therapist gave me the option of couples counselling but the prerequisite is likely to be full disclosure. And I am not certain I want to or should stay married. Inability to feel guilt and shame for wrongdoings, extreme selfishness, recklessness and impulsivity are all calling cards for a sociopathic personality. https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath I don't think you should stay married. I think you should get tested for STIs and have your husband do the same. Since you don't want to stay married and you know that you cannot stay faithful, it would make sense to tell your husband about your numerous affairs. My stomach turns when I think of a pregnant wife having sex with a man who is not her husband. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 Therapist gave me the option of couples counselling but the prerequisite is likely to be full disclosure. And I am not certain I want to or should stay married. You know your H better than anyone but those two sentences would seem to be conjoined at the hip. In other words, "full disclosure" would probably be the end of your marriage. You have two ways to go, one is probably easy and the second admittedly hard. A dispassionate observer would say your H deserves the same fully informed chance to assess the honest state of his life and marriage to you - in other words, he should have the same options as you. Heck, right now your AP knows more about your true state of mind than your spouse does, not exactly fair, eh? I hope therapy brings you some clarity... Mr. Lucky 1
Itwasntme Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Why not just tell your husband? That way your decision can be easier?
jphcbpa Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Btw: 4 years ago I fund out that my father was a serial cheater. This was before my own wrong doings after getting married. Back then I still felt righteous therefore irate with my father. Looking at them: loveless marriage, but stayed for the kids. I would much prefer that they separated but live happier lives, if that's possible. You are your daddys girl. I say that in the sense that more than likely you "felt" this growing up. You may not be a sex addict and more likely a love addict...yet they are on the opposite side of the same coin. One or the other can "flare" up depending. Did your therapist recommend SLAA ?
harrybrown Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 so just tell your H . let him decide. Your AP is a POSOM. He is a fantasy. think about your kids and do not let them ever be around your POSOM. He will molest them. Get a D. You do not deserve a loving H. Tell him the truth.
BettyDraper Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 so just tell your H . let him decide. Your AP is a POSOM. He is a fantasy. think about your kids and do not let them ever be around your POSOM. He will molest them. Get a D. You do not deserve a loving H. Tell him the truth. What is a "POSOM" and how do you know her AP will molest her children? I agree that an AP should never meet the WS kids.
Itwasntme Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 What is a "POSOM" and how do you know her AP will molest her children? I agree that an AP should never meet the WS kids. POSOM stands for piece of ***** other man .
RySant Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 Stay for my children?. Not a selfish decision but also not a wise one. If you do plan to leave, there will be major effects on your kids depending on how you'll do it. I am a product of a broken family so I definitely know. Don't tell my husband?. If you really want a noble and high road. He deserves to know. Allow myself any future plans with my AP? This is a serious question: Was there a relationship that lasted that was built on wrong footing? I mean, if you'll wreck your family, I hope you do plan to be with him, or he to you. Having something "good" come out from all the drama and the pain must be something..... Divorce? Is this an available option for you all things considered? If so, and if you really want out, no reason to stay. Just deal with all the consequence though (i.e. the hurt, pain and drama this will cause)
SSJROMANCE Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 "...when he had sex with other women (other than me that is) I was devastated. I felt completely heart broken. ". At BEST this is what your husband is going to feel when you tell him. I have a lot of words I can use to describe you but I'll let others handle that. Get it together just long enough where you tell your husband EVERYTHING. No trickle truth - that will only make things worse. I would also have your bags packed and ready to go. This man deserves someone who respects him who loves him and who honors him. You are NOT that person in anyway shape or form. 1
M1ke12 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 My wife cheated on me recently and its why I am here. After 22 years of marriage and I LOVE my wife. Here is what I went through. This is what your doing to him. Anger and disbelief at first. While she was at her sisters I had to take the week off work. I was not functional enough to teach my class. Crying, uncontrollable crying and in front of my kids. I spent hours in my room and I punished myself by looking at all our family photos and dividing them. I took all the wedding pictures and put them in my pile. All the while taking a break once in awhile to wretch in the toilet. I told myself over and over that I was punishing myself but I couldn't stop. I taped the best pictures, and our old love notes from college that we saved, to the bathroom mirror. When I picked her up to go to the alcohol treatment center, I drove her home and made her go into that bathroom and retrieve her wedding ring. It was taped to the mirror as well along with the receipt and purchase papers. I wanted her to see what I was going through. The crying continued for another week. I am over that part now but I am always distracted and I am not a good father. That was taken away from me and I am desperately trying to be here for my son. I lost a lot of weight and I am still losing weight. I got up at 4am this morning because i couldn't shut my head off. I wonder where my emotions will be today? I have no idea. Yesterday I was sad all day. Day before angry. I have cruised through dating sites and gained some confidence. I learned there are dating sites specific to my profession and my hobbies. There might be someone better than her out there for me. Just so you know. 2
SSJROMANCE Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Yup Therapist gave me the option of couples counselling but the prerequisite is likely to be full disclosure. And I am not certain I want to or should stay married. I really cannot believe what I am reading. Likely to be full discloser? Are you kidding? How can it be any other way? There are women who cheat and then there are women like you who bring cheating to a whole new level. You have destroyed this man's life and you have the audacity to entertain the notion that you continue to go along your merry way. I can only hope that the way this works out is that your husband has out done you. That he has committed even worse acts then you and I would love to be there to see the look on your face when he admits that. That my friends would be priceless.
jen1447 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I'm glad OP seems to have left the building .... Tough crowd.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I'm glad OP seems to have left the building .... Tough crowd. For trying to get her accept responsibility for the impact of her actions on someone she promised to love, honor and protect ? I guess we are... Mr. Lucky 1
jen1447 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 For trying to get her accept responsibility for the impact of her actions on someone she promised to love, honor and protect ? I guess we are... Mr. Lucky Haha ....you must have missed (or you're looking away from?) all the "you don't deserve to draw another breath" type posts. Pretty far from any type of help whatsoever.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Haha ....you must have missed (or you're looking away from?) all the "you don't deserve to draw another breath" type posts. Pretty far from any type of help whatsoever. Like most things, posts on something like this fall on a bell-shaped curve. I do ignore the "shut up and die" posts, just as I ignore the "You go girl" ones. In the middle, some things for the OP to think about... Mr. Lucky
Recommended Posts