sex addict or am I in love with AP?

[RainbowDash]

Hi everyone.

I am a 35 year old mother of 3. I have been with my husband for 8.5 years and married for 6.5 years. We have a home and a business together.

 

I first cheated on my husband with an ex boyfriend even before we got married. He forgave me, we moved on. I thought I would stay faithful and have a happily ever after life with this lovely man. 3 years into our marriage, I met my AP at our club. He was married with 3 children back then and we were purely friends. After 2 years in the club, we became close and became more than just friends. We had an emotional affair. I panicked and planned my 3rd pregnancy right around the time that I felt I was starting to have an emotional connection with the AP. (..very low I know, but I thought the baby would pull me back towards my family and husband) ..well. We actually carried on having full on physical affair throughout the pregnancy and after birth. Still on going.

 

He left his wife and children as he was "emotionally abused and extremely unhappy", 3 months into our emotional affair. He'd never been with any other woman other than his wife, prior to us.

 

However. As he was single, he also carried on dating a few months after we were together. That was agreed upon as I kept telling him, I want him to find someone he loves and can be with openly. Still, when he had sex with other women (other than me that is) I was devastated. I felt completely heart broken.

 

And so I went online and found other men.

And had essentially a few (5 encounters in total) one night stands with three men. One of them my ex boyfriend.

 

The thing is:

I still love my AP.

He says he loves me.

Yes i can see us building a life together: with my AP.

He does not know about my other one night stands.

We have talked the usual nonsense of me leaving my husband for him. Although he always says that will only happen if he is not already in a stable relationship. And I should not count on him to wait for me.

 

My husband has no idea.

Yes I will be devastated if he finds out, but more so because of the hurt he will feel. I am not sure if I still love him.

 

I love my children, but I feel I have turned into a monster while I am struggling with my inner demons. Whether I am just looking for love or am I a sex addict, I cannot say.

 

I am going to counselling. I am very scared.

 

I know I am messed up.

 

Please tell me:

Stay for my children?

Don't tell my husband?

Allow myself any future plans with my AP?

Divorce?

 

Thank you for listening. It's raw and awful.

So thank you again for reading.

[LifesontheUp]

You start by coming clean to your husband.

 

Oh and never ever stay for the children imo

[Gaumab12]

Listen I get it, you think you are in love, you feel sexy, you feel alive.

 

Trust me, when your world crashes down on you, and you lose everything, your friends, family, business, and respect.

 

You will feel the complete opposite of love, sexy and alive.

 

Go 'No Contact' with AP. You will go thru withdraw, and it will take time but it is worth it.

 

Please do not destroy your life over fantasy. Do you want to be with a guy who abandoned his wife and kids?

[Buckeye2]

Your husband doesn’t deserve this. Tell him about your affairs or not but set him free to find someone else. You have.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Listen I get it, you think you are in love, you feel sexy, you feel alive.

 

Trust me, when your world crashes down on you, and you lose everything, your friends, family, business, and respect.

 

You will feel the complete opposite of love, sexy and alive.

 

Go 'No Contact' with AP. You will go thru withdraw, and it will take time but it is worth it.

 

Please do not destroy your life over fantasy. Do you want to be with a guy who abandoned his wife and kids?

 

Although I agree with some of this I think the bigger issue here is that the OP is a serial cheater. She did it with her ex boyfriend before she got married and again with this partner with whom she is obsessed. The other men may seem like distractions from what she wishes she had with her AP but cheating with 5 additional men whilst married is indeed a BIG problem.

 

OP, I agree that all of this is fantasy. As much as I believe people should not stay married just for the sake of the children, especially when you're taking out your frustrations on them, you need to get crystal clear about what you want and why you're pursing it with just recklessness while risking everything. The only way to do that is therapy, GOOD therapy.

 

You're in a typical affair fog which is clouding all sound judgement and causing you to believe a lot of untruths about what is actually taking place.

 

Be very careful and DO the work your therapist advises.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I definitely think you are in love....but not with the APS....you are in love with yourself. You are extremely self centered and do not care about the consequences of your actions.

 

divorce your husband.....because he does not deserve this disrespectful behavior.....and above all please seek professional help to address the issues causing you to have this behavior.

 

Good luck

[aliveagain]

My guess is you will finally know if you love your husband when he is with another women raising your children. You risk your husbands health repeatedly, why not try being truthful and give him an out. I can't imagine any man wanting to be married to someone as selfish as you. Perhaps you should post in Other Man, Other Women thread where others that are cheating on their spouses can give you advice.

[Bryanp]

Wow. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him?

There is also another issue here. The AP is a serial cheater which means that you have been putting your husband at great risk for STD's which is why you must tell him so he can be tested as well as you.

 

It will indeed be painful for your husband when you tell him but he has the right to choose what he wishes to do with all the facts. This is the absolute least you must do.

[TX-SC]

Definately divorce. You don't seem to love oiur husband anymore, so, let go and let him find someone who will truly love him. As for you and your AP, only you can answrr that question. But, I'm willing to bet you will cheat on him too. Heck, you already have. You don't seem like the type of person who can truly be monogamous. But, you are also jealous of your partner dating, so you also don't appear to be poly. I think you have some issues that you need to address before you can have a real relationship with anyone. But, in the interim, divorce your husband. Tell him the truth about what you have done and that you don't love him anymore. It will hurt him, but he'll eventually find new love. I would normally say your kids will be just fine. But, in reality, they have a mother who habitually cheates, so they will probably be screwed up regardless.

[Popsicle]

You're a serial cheater. Get a divorced and don't ever get into a LTR again.

[Babs22]

I'm not sure what advice to give to that. Full disclosure, I am M and in an A with a MM and have been for 3 years. But this sounds really messed up. I am glad to hear you are in counseling. It sounds like you are involved in some VERY self destructive behavior. I haven't slept with 5 guys in my whole life, it just sounds gross and unsanitary. I hope you have used protection and get regular check ups for STDs. Do you still sleep with your husband?

 

I think you should divorce your husband. I cannot say if you should tell him or not. If he doesn't realize there are problems between the two of you, you probably should tell him so he knows why you want a divorce. I agree with Popsicle, I don't believe you belong in a LTR. I hope your IC can be helpful to you in figuring out why you are choosing to sleep with so many men. I don't think it is a sex addiction. I also do not think like someone said, that you only love yourself. I don't think you love yourself at all. To sleep with that many men means you lack self respect. Why would you do that to yourself? I am certain you do love your children and for their sake, I hope you can get your self respect back and be the woman you know you should be. If you can't do it for yourself, maybe you can do it for them.

[RainbowDash]

I'm not sure what advice to give to that. Full disclosure, I am M and in an A with a MM and have been for 3 years. But this sounds really messed up. I am glad to hear you are in counseling. It sounds like you are involved in some VERY self destructive behavior. I haven't slept with 5 guys in my whole life, it just sounds gross and unsanitary. I hope you have used protection and get regular check ups for STDs. Do you still sleep with your husband?

 

Yes for what it's worth, I am always careful.

The 5 extra encounters were all protected. With 3 men.

Yes I still sleep with my husband. Rarely though, even when I'm usually the initiator. Our libidos are completely mismatched, (his very low) but I knew that from the start. I chose him for his other qualities.

 

I think you should divorce your husband. I cannot say if you should tell him or not. If he doesn't realize there are problems between the two of you, you probably should tell him so he knows why you want a divorce. I agree with Popsicle, I don't believe you belong in a LTR. I hope your IC can be helpful to you in figuring out why you are choosing to sleep with so many men. I don't think it is a sex addiction. I also do not think like someone said, that you only love yourself. I don't think you love yourself at all. To sleep with that many men means you lack self respect. Why would you do that to yourself? I am certain you do love your children and for their sake, I hope you can get your self respect back and be the woman you know you should be. If you can't do it for yourself, maybe you can do it for them.

 

Thank you. I am also trying to figure this out myself hopefully with the help of IC.

On the outside I have it completely together, glossy and wholesome with the perfect life. Yet clearly not so.

 

The main motivator here is indeed my children.

[RainbowDash]

Yes for what it's worth, I am always careful.

The 5 extra encounters were all protected. With 3 men.

Yes I still sleep with my husband. Rarely though, even when I'm usually the initiator. Our libidos are completely mismatched, (his very low) but I knew that from the start. I chose him for his other qualities.

[Horton]

I first cheated on my husband with an ex boyfriend even before we got married. He forgave me, we moved on.

 

Looking back do you think it's safe to say that his act of taking you back after cheating on him caused you to think less of him as a man?

 

I thought I would stay faithful and have a happily ever after life with this lovely man. 3 years into our marriage, I met my AP at our club.

 

Why is a married woman(particularly one with kids) hanging out at the clubs? Did your husband know about that? Did he approve of this behavior?

He was married with 3 children back then and we were purely friends. After 2 years in the club, we became close and became more than just friends.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, is this club a place to drink and dance with other people like most are, or are we using the word club in completely different ways? When you say club I'm thinking of random guys grinding on besotted females, not a church basement with people drinking RC cola and playing scrabble.

We had an emotional affair. I panicked and planned my 3rd pregnancy right around the time that I felt I was starting to have an emotional connection with the AP. (..very low I know, but I thought the baby would pull me back towards my family and husband) ..well. We actually carried on having full on physical affair throughout the pregnancy and after birth. Still on going.

 

DNA test.

 

He left his wife and children as he was "emotionally abused and extremely unhappy", 3 months into our emotional affair. He'd never been with any other woman other than his wife, prior to us.

 

I doubt it, but even if he is telling the truth it wouldn't justify having an affair.

However. As he was single, he also carried on dating a few months after we were together. That was agreed upon as I kept telling him, I want him to find someone he loves and can be with openly. Still, when he had sex with other women (other than me that is) I was devastated. I felt completely heart broken.

This is completely irrational behavior.

 

And so I went online and found other men.

And had essentially a few (5 encounters in total) one night stands with three men. One of them my ex boyfriend.

This is dangerous behavior, endangering both yourself and your innocent family. These OM could have been violent, could have stalked you and found out where you lived. They could have given you life altering diseases that you could have inadvertently passed on to your husband. Are you even aware of how much your behavior is gambling with your family's well being?

 

The thing is:

I still love my AP.

He says he loves me.

Yes i can see us building a life together: with my AP.

He does not know about my other one night stands.

We have talked the usual nonsense of me leaving my husband for him. Although he always says that will only happen if he is not already in a stable relationship. And I should not count on him to wait for me.

Even if you somehow beat the odds and wind up with him, you won't remain content. He'll become boring to you eventually and you'll do the same thing to him that you're doing to your husband now. It isn't the marriage or the family or even your husband that's broken here, it's you.

 

My husband has no idea.

Yes I will be devastated if he finds out, but more so because of the hurt he will feel. I am not sure if I still love him.

 

Let me ask you a question... Do you deserve to know the truth about your own life so that you can make an informed decision about where to go from here? If so, then why doesn't your husband deserve that same consideration?

 

I love my children, but I feel I have turned into a monster while I am struggling with my inner demons. Whether I am just looking for love or am I a sex addict, I cannot say.

 

I am going to counselling. I am very scared.

What does your counselor have to say about all of this?

 

I know I am messed up.

 

Please tell me:

Stay for my children?

Don't tell my husband?

Allow myself any future plans with my AP?

Divorce?

The only morally righteous option that you have is to confess everything to your husband and allow him to decide if he wants to make yet another go at repairing this. Continuing to lie to him is obviously wrong, that's something we learn as toddlers. Getting a divorce without his desiring one is basically committing spousal abandonment on top of the numerous adulteries you've already committed, which is completely unfair to him. He gets cheated on repeatedly, lied to and if he(for whatever reason) wishes to remain married to you, you're just gonna up and leave him like that? Do you realize how completely worthless he'll feel after that? That's wrong and cold hearted.

 

If you confess and he does decide to stay married then you should honor your vows and commitments like you should have been doing all along. If he doesn't wish to remain with you(and he probably wont since he's already been put through this by you before) then you can at least know that you were honest with him in the end and that you allowed him to make his own path without being led astray by your deceptions any longer. Thus making your first small step on the path to becoming a decent woman again.

 

Thank you for listening. It's raw and awful.

So thank you again for reading.

 

Hey...You're welcome.

 

Thank you. I am also trying to figure this out myself hopefully with the help of IC.

On the outside I have it completely together, glossy and wholesome with the perfect life. Yet clearly not so.

 

The main motivator here is indeed my children.

 

You're mindset is so distorted that even the things you think are noble about your current priorities are actually mixed up. You're a married woman, your children, while worthy of love and protection, should not be your main motivator at all, your husband should be. This may be a clue as to why you've found yourself here in the first place IMO.

 

Yes for what it's worth, I am always careful.

The 5 extra encounters were all protected. With 3 men.

Yes I still sleep with my husband. Rarely though, even when I'm usually the initiator. Our libidos are completely mismatched, (his very low) but I knew that from the start. I chose him for his other qualities.

 

Your protection is not 100% guaranteed to protect you or your husband from diseases, nor can it keep you from getting involved with a dangerous OM. I'd be interested in hearing about your husband's other qualities BTW.

[RainbowDash]

You are so direct and truthful. Thank you.

 

Response:

1) I am going to be seeing a counsellor this afternoon. First time ever in my life. Have never done so before. I know I'm messed up and I need help.

 

2) DNA test not required: My AP/fling partners and my husband are racially different.

 

3) club: the AP and I met not at a dance club but a classical music chamber group. Irrelevant but just to clarify. We are not that young after all.

 

4) unsure whether my first time cheating on my husband (then boyfriend) undermined my thoughts of masculinity of him. Or just a case of unmet sexual needs, which is one of the underlying reasons for my continued infidelities. Does not justify anything I know, but most humans love and need good sex.

 

Yes I agree. There is a high risk that even if I do choose to stay with the AP after some time of being alone, I may revert back to cheating on him also, unless I sort myself out first. Hence seeing the therapist today. It's a small step..

[jen1447]

Regardless of anything else, 5 sexual encounters w/3 partners is in no way sex addiction. Genuine sex addicts have a compulsion to have sex (with whomever) almost constantly and they don't really get the healthy satisfaction from it that most ppl do.

 

The stereotype of a sexually voracious woman who has lots of sex and loves every minute of it as a 'sex addict' is inaccurate. That's actually a sexually healthy woman, but real sex addicts are pretty miserable. Like any other addict.

[RainbowDash]

Horton

 

You wanted to know-

 

Husbands other qualities:

He is a great father. Loves the children to the end of time. In fact he openly admits that he loves them more than anything in this world.

He is innocent, honest, intelligent, and a good man. However not a good communicator and not a good lover that a woman wants: not romantic or helpful with any domestic chores, for example. Bottomline: his only sin is that I feel he has not given me no where near enough love and affection and attention. Common and wishy washy complaint, yet there it is.

[RainbowDash]

Listen I get it, you think you are in love, you feel sexy, you feel alive.

 

Trust me, when your world crashes down on you, and you lose everything, your friends, family, business, and respect.

 

You will feel the complete opposite of love, sexy and alive.

 

Go 'No Contact' with AP. You will go thru withdraw, and it will take time but it is worth it.

 

Please do not destroy your life over fantasy. Do you want to be with a guy who abandoned his wife and kids?

 

I know he sounds like damaged goods.

But then so am I. And as crazy as it sounds, I do still see a future with him. Split family and children in two homes in all. In a way I feel in at crossroads because when there are kids involved.. Even though there's no right time ever, earlier is better than later, if not just to save the build up of lies.

 

Yes I have tried to envisage the social repercussions.

Fear of being found out or ousted from society is not a good enough reason to stay married.

[66Charger]

Cheating before marriage, 5 ons with 3 other men, a AP (not one of the 3 men) while you are married may not make you a sex addict, but it does make you a seriel cheater. And unless your husband knew why you married him, you deceived him when you married him. Would your husband have married you knowing this? I know of no man who would want that. All of your husbands "defeicencys" pale in comparison to yours.

 

If you were sexually incompatable, you should have never married. And for those who say that is unimportant, well this story tells you why that isnt the case.

 

Yes, you should be with your AP. He knew you were married and still went there. You are birds of a feather and belong together. He is your soulmate. Divorce and marry him tomorrow. And I am being sincere.

 

Your husband will find love again and hopefully with a woman of honor.

Edited January 10, 2016 by 66Charger

[Horton]

Response:

1) I am going to be seeing a counsellor this afternoon. First time ever in my life. Have never done so before. I know I'm messed up and I need help.

 

Seeing a counselor can be good, but it also depends on the counselor's character. You may wind up with one who wishes to help you out of this mess with honesty and moral clarity or you could get one who enables your bad behavior and endorses your deception of your family. It could go either way sadly.

 

2) DNA test not required: My AP/fling partners and my husband are racially different.

All of your AP's are the same race including your EX BF? Would you care to expand upon that? What race are you, your husband and the AP's? Some overly sensitive people(perhaps even yourself I don't know) will write that question off as irrelevant, but I(as an outsider)don't believe that's merely a coincidence that you would cheat on him repeatedly with men of another race than his own and I absolutely wouldn't believe that it was coincidental if I were in your husband's shoes.

 

3) club: the AP and I met not at a dance club but a classical music chamber group. Irrelevant but just to clarify. We are not that young after all.

 

I see, it wasn't a typical "club" then... You might be surprised just how many middle aged women are at this very moment dancing to awful music in a dank club somewhere.

 

4) unsure whether my first time cheating on my husband (then boyfriend) undermined my thoughts of masculinity of him. Or just a case of unmet sexual needs, which is one of the underlying reasons for my continued infidelities. Does not justify anything I know, but most humans love and need good sex.

I'm thinking it's a pretty high probability that it did to some degree or another change how you felt about him. Most women cannot respect a man that they deem as weak and many women(not all, but many) see a man that takes a woman back after she cheats on him as weak and emasculated. It may not be fair or even morally sound, but it's true.

 

Yes I agree. There is a high risk that even if I do choose to stay with the AP after some time of being alone, I may revert back to cheating on him also, unless I sort myself out first. Hence seeing the therapist today. It's a small step..

 

"We are what we repeatedly do." -Aristotle

 

In other words, your habitual actions have become your character. It will take an enormous amount of effort on your part to begin anew. I don't mean to discourage you, but you will need more than a few counseling sessions to get back on a healthy and ethical foundation again and without complete transparency with your husband it will be for naught. Like putting a band-aid over a gaping wound.

 

Horton

 

You wanted to know-

 

Husbands other qualities:

He is a great father. Loves the children to the end of time. In fact he openly admits that he loves them more than anything in this world.

He is innocent, honest, intelligent, and a good man. However not a good communicator and not a good lover that a woman wants: not romantic or helpful with any domestic chores, for example. Bottomline: his only sin is that I feel he has not given me no where near enough love and affection and attention. Common and wishy washy complaint, yet there it is.

I think you both need to come together and put each other first, before the children IMO. I'm both glad and saddened to hear that he's a good and honest man. Glad that he wishes to live rightly and protect his family, but saddened that this was not enough to elevate him in your eyes as being worthy of your fidelity and honesty. You are correct in saying that lack of passion is a common complaint among WW's, but I think there's something deeper to all of this than just the typical drudgery of being a wife to a man that's not romantic or sexually aggressive enough.

 

I can't quite put my finger on it, since I don't know the ends and outs of your life, but I think if you made a genuine effort to evaluate your motives you will find something deeper than that rather surface level complaint. I could be wrong, but that's the impression that I'm getting from your posts so far. Either way I hope you continue posting and continue to seek out help for you and your family's sake.

[sandylee1]

Something makes me feel sorry for you Rainbow.. I don't know what it is..but you seem truly lost.

 

Is your H okay in bed when he gets going?

Have you tried different things to ignite the passion?

Perhaps a sex therapist?

 

Some self help books perhaps?

 

Now you said one of his good qualities was being a great father.. you didn't know this before you had kids.. so why did you marry when he didn't satisfy you from the beginning?

 

This was a recipe for disaster.

 

BTW. well done for seeking counselling.

 

Always think of the consequences of your actions if it gets out.

 

The shame

The humiliation and what your families will think

The children ..their comfort and protection

 

Surely all the great sex isn't worth shattering their lives is it?

[RainbowDash]

I have certainly thought about the consequences.

I don't think the sex alone is worth it.

If a woman is happy with a guy in just about everything else.. Below average sex is definitely copable.

But I think for ppl who cheat, emotionally or physically or both, there would be many aspects lacking in their current relationship. Sometimes it's possible to communicate those issues and get what you want, sometimes not. It's about whether and how much you are willing to compromise, to live with, in my opinion.

 

Btw: 4 years ago I fund out that my father was a serial cheater. This was before my own wrong doings after getting married. Back then I still felt righteous therefore irate with my father. Looking at them: loveless marriage, but stayed for the kids. I would much prefer that they separated but live happier lives, if that's possible.

[Sparta]

Horton

 

You wanted to know-

 

Husbands other qualities:

He is a great father. Loves the children to the end of time. In fact he openly admits that he loves them more than anything in this world.

He is innocent, honest, intelligent, and a good man. However not a good communicator and not a good lover that a woman wants: not romantic or helpful with any domestic chores, for example. Bottomline: his only sin is that I feel he has not given me no where near enough love and affection and attention. Common and wishy washy complaint, yet there it is.

 

Well you sure paid him back her all that horrible stuff you did to you..!

[SolG]

Regardless of anything else, 5 sexual encounters w/3 partners is in no way sex addiction. Genuine sex addicts have a compulsion to have sex (with whomever) almost constantly and they don't really get the healthy satisfaction from it that most ppl do.

 

The stereotype of a sexually voracious woman who has lots of sex and loves every minute of it as a 'sex addict' is inaccurate. That's actually a sexually healthy woman, but real sex addicts are pretty miserable. Like any other addict.

 

I don't think it is a sex addiction. I also do not think like someone said, that you only love yourself. I don't think you love yourself at all.

 

Something makes me feel sorry for you Rainbow.. I don't know what it is..but you seem truly lost.

 

Hi Rainbow. I'm an OW and don't post over here too often... But your post made me really sad :-( I agree with the posters above; it doesn't sound like sex addiction, but rather like you are very lost and don't value yourself very highly.

 

You willingly choose to engage in behaviours that in the moment give you 'something' you're craving... And I tend to think it's not sex itself but something around how being sexually active and desired makes you feel. But you also recognise the behaviours as 'monstrous' and in the aftermath you're filled with self-loathing. I don't believe you 'love' your AP, but rather just the fact that he is an easy source of supply, and the ONSs were supplementation when you perceived a reduction from that source.

 

I hope your therapist helps guide you to insight about what's going on inside you--and this really is about YOU, and how YOU perceive yourself, your H and M as opposed to being about those things themselves if you see the distinction--in terms of what you're looking for and why, and healthier ways to deal with whatever that may be. I truly hope you get the help you need to avert your course from destruction for all concerned.

 

I'm certainly not qualified, but there are some really insightful and compassionate BSs here that can give you advice on how to address your M/BH as you concurrently heal yourself. Best of luck.

[malvern99]

I have certainly thought about the consequences.

I don't think the sex alone is worth it.

If a woman is happy with a guy in just about everything else.. Below average sex is definitely copable.

But I think for ppl who cheat, emotionally or physically or both, there would be many aspects lacking in their current relationship. Sometimes it's possible to communicate those issues and get what you want, sometimes not. It's about whether and how much you are willing to compromise, to live with, in my opinion.

 

Btw: 4 years ago I fund out that my father was a serial cheater. This was before my own wrong doings after getting married. Back then I still felt righteous therefore irate with my father. Looking at them: loveless marriage, but stayed for the kids. I would much prefer that they separated but live happier lives, if that's possible.

 

You sound really unhappy in your marriage. Why even bother continuing the farce? As someone else said, staying just for the kids is a terrible idea that will probably end up hurting them more than helping them.

 

You are conflicted on what to do with your current situation and that's good, because it shows you are not all the way gone yet. My suggestion is file for divorce, and tell your BH the truth because that is the least he deserves. You may not respect him or love him as a husband, but I am willing to bet you respect him and love him as the father of your children.

 

I personally would also disassociate with the person who helped me nuke my family. That is your call however. Good luck.