chack Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Hi guys, I've been in a 3 year relationship that ended at the end of Oct where we both lived together. We were friendly for the first couple weeks when she moved out but then she became cold after she met guys she started going out on dates with. After a month out, I was trying to see how she felt and she took a trip with me and we became intimate but once we returned, she became cold and has been infatuated with another guy. I told her that I didn't want to be dating her with other men involved, although she's denying seeing them in that manner, I believe she is in love with one. So I sent her a long letter saying that if she's with him, I need to walk away and give them space and wish her luck and happiness. I then said if she's not , I'd like to reconcile and work on this relationship exclusively. I didn't get a response, and this was 2 months after breakup. Because she was silent for several days and didn't reply to my wishing her Happy new years, and then seeing pics of her and this guy on FB, I've decided to give her space but also for me to move on, so I initiated strict NC. She didn't call until 4 days out, I didn't answer, then she sent me some random texts the following day that I didn't reply. Then she really blew up my phone non stop in the next few days without any voicemail or texts. Finally today, she called and I didn't answer and she left a voicemail saying "Hi, I'm calling to check up on you, I know it's rough, maybe not, I hope you're doing well. I don't hate you, Sometimes things work out the way it is, if I see you out, I want to say Hi, good luck and bye" that was her voicemail today. It's only been about 8 days of strict NC. I haven't replied to her voicemail and I'm confused as to what I should do. In my mind, I want to continue strict NC to allow me space to grow and move on. I'm not 100% but I'm very close to closing this chapter unless she wants a serious commitment to work on this very soon. I don't want to wait a few months while she explores her options and I don't want her to think I'll be her backup plan either. My plan was to use NC to allow me space to move on and get rid of her completely and learn to live single. I was hoping maybe she'll be apologetic and hinting that she wants to reconcile but obviously it seems like she's just trying to see what I'm up to? I don't want to be her friend at this time, I don't hate her at all, maybe after a long separation and time that both of us has completely moved on with our lives, would I consider being friends then. So any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance
laberboi Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 if thats what you feel, then go on .. let it go and be happy being single for now .. thats a good sign for you that you already figured it out and i think love is not htere anymore. dont be foolish like me
Author chack Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 I just hope she realizes and understand that I have to focus on myself during this time and that me being NC is going to help me achieve that. I don't want her to think that I'm doing this to punish her or hate her, I hate that she tried so hard to reach out to me even when it was apparent that I didn't want to talk to her. So this sucks, but I'm gonna try hard to stay NC and hope she understands that I care about her without having to let her know that at this time.
Gigolo Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) This was her voicemail to you: ""Hi, I'm calling to check up on you, I know it's rough, maybe not, I hope you're doing well. I don't hate you, Sometimes things work out the way it is, if I see you out, I want to say Hi, good luck and bye" Her voicemail message couldn't have been any clearer. Nothing to see here. Move on, dude. Since you are an emotional wreck at the moment, let me help by decoding the relevant portions of her message (that I highlighted/bolded above): 1) I'm calling to check up on you = Don't get your hopes up. 2) Sometimes things work out the way it is = I am banging another guy. 3) good luck and bye. Good luck = Look elsewhere for your next pu$$y. Bye = Don't let the search for your next pu$$y lead you back to my doorstep. Now, let me help you further with what you have yourself written in your post above: 1) "..I don't want her to think that I'm doing this to punish her or hate her... It's nice that you are so concerned about what she may think. Let me assure you that all she is thinking about now is...banging her new bf. Time for you to fold your tent and move on. Think about your own peace of mind. 2. "I'm GONNA TRY HARD to stay NC" Don't GONNA and don't TRY to stay NC. JUST GO NC. If you gonna go NC and try to gonna go NC etc. this NC is gonna be dead on arrival. Take the power over from her hands into your own, and give her the gift of vanishing. Just VANISH this moment on. Absolute total complete NC. NC is like pregnancy. You are either pregnant or you are not. There is nothing called half pregnancy. Similarly, there is nothing called Half NC. This 'Gonna try hard to stay NC' is like being half pregnant. Half pregnancy = No pregnancy. Similarly, Half NC = No NC Gonna Go NC = No NC. Try hard to NC = No NC. Try to stay NC = NC. When you are committed to NC you will stop using wishy washy terms like 'Gonna' 'Wanna' 'Try hard to go NC' 'Try to stay NC'. Instead, You will only think and write in definitive / determined terms: 'I am NC' 'I am in total NC' ' I have enforced NC' 'I have done the vanishing act' ' I have fallen off the face of the earth'. 3. "hope she understands that I care about her". It is only because you are thinking like this (mopping around like a needy desperate 'nice boy' hurting ex BF) that your commitment to NC is so wobbly (refer point 2 above). Ask yourself: Why on earth should it be any of your concern that "hope she understands that I care about her"?. What? You are hoping that your ex GF who is banging another dude at this very moment, understands that you care about her! Really? You need to care only about one person - your own self, your broken heart, and your crushed ego. Nurse them back to health. While she is making her new bf happy. Her new BF is there to care about her feelings and needs. Time for you to ignore her completely, and move on. Edited January 11, 2016 by Gigolo
Author chack Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Hi Gigolo, thanks for your input, that was my plan to stay strict NC all the way unless she sends me a message that she wants to reconcile, until then, I plan to stay NC. I guess I had friends on both sides of the coin that got me tempted to symphathize with her. I'm ready to move on actually for over a week now and plan to after what she did to me on NYE. that's why i went strict NC. actually my emotions are very calm now, the first month was very difficult. it's 2 months now, which I spent wisely on focusing on myself. She knows where I stand. The real question is, if she even tries to reconcile (there is a slight chance still knowing her for 3 years) down the road, will I accept the way she treated me since the breakup....that's really the bigger question. This was her voicemail to you: ""Hi, I'm calling to check up on you, I know it's rough, maybe not, I hope you're doing well. I don't hate you, Sometimes things work out the way it is, if I see you out, I want to say Hi, good luck and bye" Her voicemail message couldn't have been any clearer. Nothing to see here. Move on, dude. Since you are an emotional wreck at the moment, let me help by decoding the relevant portions of her message (that I highlighted/bolded above): 1) I'm calling to check up on you = Don't get your hopes up. 2) Sometimes things work out the way it is = I am banging another guy. 3) good luck and bye. Good luck = Look elsewhere for your next pu$$y. Bye = Don't let the search for your next pu$$y lead you back to my doorstep. Now, let me help you further with what you have yourself written in your post above: 1) "..I don't want her to think that I'm doing this to punish her or hate her... It's nice that you are so concerned about what she may think. Let me assure you that all she is thinking about now is...banging her new bf. Time for you to fold your tent and move on. Think about your own peace of mind. 2. "I'm GONNA TRY HARD to stay NC" Don't GONNA and don't TRY to stay NC. JUST GO NC. If you gonna go NC and try to gonna go NC etc. this NC is gonna be dead on arrival. Take the power over from her hands into your own, and give her the gift of vanishing. Just VANISH this moment on. Absolute total complete NC. NC is like pregnancy. You are either pregnant or you are not. There is nothing called half pregnancy. Similarly, there is nothing called Half NC. This 'Gonna try hard to stay NC' is like being half pregnant. Half pregnancy = No pregnancy. Similarly, Half NC = No NC Gonna Go NC = No NC. Try hard to NC = No NC. Try to stay NC = NC. When you are committed to NC you will stop using wishy washy terms like 'Gonna' 'Wanna' 'Try hard to go NC' 'Try to stay NC'. Instead, You will only think and write in definitive / determined terms: 'I am NC' 'I am in total NC' ' I have enforced NC' 'I have done the vanishing act' ' I have fallen off the face of the earth'. 3. "hope she understands that I care about her". It is only because you are thinking like this (mopping around like a needy desperate 'nice boy' hurting ex BF) that your commitment to NC is so wobbly (refer point 2 above). Ask yourself: Why on earth should it be any of your concern that "hope she understands that I care about her"?. What? You are hoping that your ex GF who is banging another dude at this very moment, understands that you care about her! Really? You need to care only about one person - your own self, your broken heart, and your crushed ego. Nurse them back to health. While she is making her new bf happy. Her new BF is there to care about her feelings and needs. Time for you to ignore her completely, and move on.
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