Heyhannah Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 My fiance of 4 years left me a few months ago, and about a month after we broke up, I started talking to a guy I've known for years but have never been friends with. We hit it off immediately - we have everything in common, I relate to him more than anyone I've ever met. He lives 2 hours away from me, but came up to visit me for Christmas. We went on a first date and it was perfection. We spent the weekend together and we both broke our rule and slept together. We opened up to each other and we both feel like we've known each other forever. I drove down to see him new years weekend and he was totally different. He told me he didn't want to rush things (which is fine, I don't either) but said he didn't want to get involved with me and we should be just friends first to get to know each other. He has feelings for me, and said he wants to take things very slow because he's not in a state to commit to anyone, due to all his past relationships failing. I respect that, but I'm really confused as to what to do next because this whole week he's barely talked to me, has been incredibly distant, and won't commit to any future plans of coming to visit. I really want to start a relationship with him. He's literally everything I have ever wanted in a significant other. I've tried talking to other guys and it's just not the same. What do I need to do to get him to see that giving us a chance is a good idea, and that we can be romanticly involved while still successfully getting to know each other better? I don't want to lose out on a perfect opportunity! (And to save time, I'd like to note this is NOT a Rebound. I've been there done that and this is totally different)
Buddhist Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I drove down to see him new years weekend and he was totally different. He told me he didn't want to rush things (which is fine, I don't either) but said he didn't want to get involved with me and we should be just friends first to get to know each other. He has feelings for me, and said he wants to take things very slow because he's not in a state to commit to anyone, due to all his past relationships failing. Sorry honey but this was just letting you down easy. He doesn't want to build anything with you at all. Ever. How do I know this? this whole week he's barely talked to me, has been incredibly distant, and won't commit to any future plans of coming to visit. Actions speak louder than words. If he really wanted to be your friend and get to know you he wouldn't be this distant. I really want to start a relationship with him. He's literally everything I have ever I don't want to lose out on a perfect opportunity! Well it's not the perfect opportunity because he's shut you down and refuses any plans to reconnect. You might just have to accept that he's not who you think he is.
Robratory Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 He told me he didn't want to rush things (which is fine, I don't either) but said he didn't want to get involved with me and we should be just friends first to get to know each other. He has feelings for me, and said he wants to take things very slow because he's not in a state to commit to anyone, due to all his past relationships failing. You know, that's some load of bull, for sure. Next time a guy starts shoveling that on you, you have my permission to tell him, "Look, at least have the balls to tell me you're just not that into me. It's ok." And sadly, that's the truth. He's just not that into you, not even enough to try to get some sex from you (which is good, because you'd be even more hurt then). If you haven't, consider checking this book out. At least read some of the quotes. https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/822184-he-s-just-not-that-into-you-the-no-excuses-truth-to-understanding-guys
Spikiera Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 That is why....You don't sleep with a guy on the first date... There are TONS of guys who do not respect women who give out so easily. A lot of them hit it and quit it. True story.
morbot_k Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 You know, that's some load of bull, for sure. Next time a guy starts shoveling that on you, you have my permission to tell him, "Look, at least have the balls to tell me you're just not that into me. It's ok." And sadly, that's the truth. He's just not that into you, not even enough to try to get some sex from you (which is good, because you'd be even more hurt then). If you haven't, consider checking this book out. At least read some of the quotes. https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/822184-he-s-just-not-that-into-you-the-no-excuses-truth-to-understanding-guys Yeah it sucks but he is not interested. Doesn't make him an awful person. He might have really thought he liked you at first...but sex has a way of changing people's perception and sometimes something clicks and people don't feel the way they did and can't explain it. It sucks, it's disappointing. But best thing you can do is drop the guy like a cold sack of rotten potatoes.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 You're not missing out on a perfect opportunity. Two dates in and he's told you it's not going to happen - that's not perfection. That's disinterest. Let this one go. He's being clear that it's not going anywhere. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 My fiance of 4 years left me a few months ago, and about a month after we broke up, I started talking to a guy I've known for years but have never been friends with. We hit it off immediately - we have everything in common, I relate to him more than anyone I've ever met. He lives 2 hours away from me, but came up to visit me for Christmas. We went on a first date and it was perfection. We spent the weekend together and we both broke our rule and slept together. We opened up to each other and we both feel like we've known each other forever. I drove down to see him new years weekend and he was totally different. He told me he didn't want to rush things (which is fine, I don't either) but said he didn't want to get involved with me and we should be just friends first to get to know each other. He has feelings for me, and said he wants to take things very slow because he's not in a state to commit to anyone, due to all his past relationships failing. I respect that, but I'm really confused as to what to do next because this whole week he's barely talked to me, has been incredibly distant, and won't commit to any future plans of coming to visit. I really want to start a relationship with him. He's literally everything I have ever wanted in a significant other. I've tried talking to other guys and it's just not the same. What do I need to do to get him to see that giving us a chance is a good idea, and that we can be romanticly involved while still successfully getting to know each other better? I don't want to lose out on a perfect opportunity! (And to save time, I'd like to note this is NOT a Rebound. I've been there done that and this is totally different) It appears to me that he took advantage of your vulnerability. He probably understands that it's too soon for you to be even considering another relationship right now, but is actually not such a great guy. A really good friend/potential future dating partner, would not have done that. He may have come to visit you to be supportive, but wouldn't have slept with you. You need to give yourself time to fully be emotionally and mentally over your fiance and re-establish yourself as a strong, secure, independent woman before you can develop a new relationship. Sure, he slept with you but it was just sex. It would be very easy to seek and rush into the "comfort" of a new relationship but it's only to fill the void. I'd like to note this is NOT a Rebound -- Do not kid yourself. There is no way you can be prepared for another relationship after one month of ending a 4 year relationship and engagement. You are lying to yourself. If you really want an opportunity to explore that possibility with this guy, sit back, work on making yourself happy and re-establishing yourself as a single woman and let him come to you if he is going to. When you demonstrate your readiness in a clear way that he hopefully has been observing, and there is enough for him to come to you, he will. All that being said, he said HE wasn't ready for a relationship. Maybe he just said that because he thought it would be easier for you to hear on some level. But, if he was serious about that statement for himself, don't hold your breath/wait.
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 My fiance of 4 years left me a few months ago, and about a month after we broke up, I started talking to a guy I've known for years but have never been friends with. We went on a first date and it was perfection. We spent the weekend together and we both broke our rule and slept together. I don't want to lose out on a perfect opportunity! (And to save time, I'd like to note this is NOT a Rebound. I've been there done that and this is totally different) One month after your engagement ended you slept with another man & you claim this is not a rebound? Even if it's not for you, from where he sits it sure looks like one. So soon after what was to be your future / your marriage / the rest of your life fell apart I find it hard to believe that you are emotionally balanced enough to discern what is & what is not "perfect." Also since nothing is perfect, I suspect you are already putting more pressure on this relationship then the guy wants which is why he's running
aries girl Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 speaking from experience. this guy is a jerk after claiming a prize or a trophy, he decides to play the distant game. the only way you can take back some of your pride is to ignore him. control all aspects to initiate a contact.
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 This may not be a rebound for YOU but quite possible a rebound for him. He just wanted some GF experience to take the edge off.
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