sumflower Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 I just had a big episode with my boyfriend and i'm not sure how to handle it. Those of you who read my post about porn will probably wondering about my relationship!! anyway, here's the scoop. my BF is in an extremely depressed and negative mood today for some reason and he just kicked me out of his room. i went over there to try and cheer him up, but i find it difficult to not take it personally when he's like this. i wanted to help him, but he just went on and on about how he hates his life. i said, "well, i'm in your life, you don't hate us, right?" - to which he responded with ... nothing. i got a bit freaked out and said, well are you going to say anything? he just kept saying he doesn't know. it was like he could care less about hurting my feelings (which is really unlike him). when i started to cry, i told him that i don't know how to help him when he's like this, and i asked him what i should do... he then said i could stop crying (which made me even more upset) because then he feels guilty about it. he then got up and did something he's never done before, he asked me to leave his room. i kept telling him that i'm here because i care and because i want to help but he kept telling me to leave. i stood up in tears, and as i walked out, he said 'oh great, thanks a lot' as though to say that my crying has made things worse. it's like a complete jekyll and hyde behaviour. he has difficulties sometimes dealing with situations where he feels attacked or if he's done something wrong - bad with criticism you could say b/c he was bullied as a child. we've been together for 9 months now and we always work through everything like clockwork. i really want to stress that normally he treats me like i'm a princess and is attentive to my needs and really listens well. we're best friends, we have really open communication and he's been madly in love with me and we've even discussed marriage down the road. the only downside of course, is this extreme moodiness. we think there might be something wrong with him health-wise which really affects moods but he does also have issues he's been working through in counselling. we had a good night with some friends last night and then this morning he completely changed. i called him and he was suddenly depressed and stressed about everything in his life. we have had a couple rough patches over the past couple days which is probably only making it worse. here's where i come to asking for advice. what should i do? i want to send him an email and say that i don't deserve to be treated this way, but i also want to support him because obviously he thinks that i was of no help and only made him feel worse. i'm torn between standing up for myself in terms of what respect i deserve, and letting him know that i am not his enemy. part of me wants to just wait and let him apologize to me, but i also want him to know that i'm here for him. was i wrong to turn the table back to me and express my hurt when he made that comment about hating his life, and then not even reassuring me about us? he's the one who's hurting and having a bad day and yet i was the one who broke down. maybe i'd feel the same way if i was depressed and then he got upset b/c of something i'd said. i'm just not very good at cheering up someone if they're negative and moody like this because i worry it's about me. i felt pushed away, and yet i wasn't even allowed to be hurt over his comments. i'm so confused at the moment. we're both at a time in our lives where we've been with a lot of people and we're ready to settle down (I'm 29, he's 30). i've never been in such a healthy and strong relationship with someone who treats me so well, listens and is a great supporter and friend. today seemed to change all of that, and while i know he's trying hard to work through his own issues (he's in counselling), i'm really unhappy with this situation. just can't tell how much of it is my fault or his.... i'm really desperate for any advice at this point....
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 His depression may stem directly from his emotional confusion about wanting to end things with you - he may be at the point where he doesn't know if he wants to stay with you, or be free from you. That can cause the emotional distress you described - and could be compounded by other problems in his life. He may well be right at the end of his 'falling out of love' - its a long, slow, slippery slide down and by the time you catch on to what is happening - its too far gone to do anything about it. I expect he feels guilty, sad at losing the happiness he had with you, obligated to the relationship against his will, and so on. A kid who was bullied like he was will grow up lacking the ability to stand up for what he wants, and will allow himself to be crushed under obligation to another person. You are asking him to derive happiness from the one thing that he can't feel happiness for right now: you and your relationship. What can you do? You have but one option in this situation. Tell him that you love him, and you respect his need for some space. Then back off. Way off. Tell him that you are willing to give him time that he needs to think about his situation and time to get some help for himself if he feels he may need that. Give him lots of time and space. Let him do all the contacting. When you talk, do not discuss the relationship or try to obligate him to you in any way, shape or form. Now is the time for you to listen and be supportive in his time of troubles, should he need you to do so. This is not a time to try to 'fix things'. In a situation like this 'trying harder to fix things' won't do anything but speed up his process of breaking things off permanently. I expect he still has some feelings for you left, and the last thing you want to do is force him to lose those in an effort to make sure you back away. When you give him that time and space, use it yourself to get your head and heart together. If it is the relationship and his obligation to you that is part of his problems, the time that you give him away from the relationship will be like a weight lifting off his shoulders. If that is the case, then you'll need to know that sometimes the thing that makes our partner happiest, is the willingness we have to let them go when the time comes for them to move on. If it is not the case, then after some time - he will have had time to consider what is going on, and he will choose to be with you. He will express a desire to have you back.
Author sumflower Posted June 4, 2005 Author Posted June 4, 2005 Hiya: Thanks a lot for the post. Things have levelled out significantly since I last wrote as my BF and I had a heart to heart. Your comments were very helpful but it wasn't actually to do with him wanting to end the relationship at all. I didn't suspect it was either, but I guess you wouldn't know that since I didn't really provide enough background information. If anything, he's been the one who's been more committed than I've been, as I've been feeling like needing more space to myself while he wants to see me all the time. Rough periods are the hardest ones to handle though. Anyway, he explained that his current state of depression has to do with his own feelings of inadequacy with his own life (career, health, social life, etc. amongst a list of other things). The comment about our relationship (and asking me to leave) was more out of frustration because he felt like I wasn't supporting him at that moment and because we'd been through a rough couple of days. He said that he is so grateful to have me as my girlfriend and apologized for hurting me and worrying me. He does get depressed sometimes about these things, and I think he's at a time in his life now when issues which haven't been dealt with are coming to pass. His going to counselling is definitely a good thing and I know he's working hard to get it right for not only himself, but for us. I just felt quite helpless at the time because of my own issues and wanted some feedback. it's nice to just talk about these things on a forum and to get people's perspectives. I find it quite invaluable. Things between us are relatively back to normal. Like I said, we've had a wonderful stable relationship for the past 9 months, and his commitment to me has been incredibly strong. We've been through quite a lot together since we are in a foreign country, and these last few days have been a bump that needed smoothing over. Thanks again for your input!
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