Ally33 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I have been in a relationship for a few months. He's really nice and I enjoy his company but he seems emotionally unavailable and things are going a lot slower than I want. I am starting to have serious doubts but I like him and don't want to end things abruptly without giving it a shot. One of the issues is that I don't see him as often as I'd like. I met him online on a dating site, and my membership doesn't expire for a few months. I would never cheat and date someone else while in a relationship, but is it ok for me to chat to potential dates online while things are still unclear with him. I am ready to settle down and start a family and have serious anxiety about it never happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Chatting online is still a form of cheating. I'm sure you wouldn't like to know your guy had been chatting up girls on the internet. Have you talked to him about your relationship and where you'd each like it to go? Try that first, and if it turns out he's not interested in settling down any time soon, then you should end the relationship. This doesn't need to become a fight or even an argument. In a couple, each partner has needs they seek to fill with the other partner, and successful couples give each other what they want. You want to settle down. You want a stronger level of emotional connection. There's nothing wrong with talking about this, and if you're both not on the same page, well, there are no bad guys. You just don't have what the other wants. Link to post Share on other sites
LydiaLong Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I think that if you haven't agreed together that you should be exclusive, there's no problem with chatting with other guys online If, however, you have discussed an exclusive relationship, then chatting with guys would kind of be inappropriate. That said, if you HAVE agreed to be exclusive, and he is becoming emotionally unavailable to you, it seems like you should have a serious talk with him and establish exactly what each of you wants from the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I think that if you haven't agreed together that you should be exclusive, there's no problem with chatting with other guys online Hmmm, I dunno. If you've had sex and it's not understood to be a one-time thing, you're exclusive. I think that's implied unless not being exclusive is agreed upon. If I were sexually involved with someone for "a few months," and I found out she was flirting online with guys, I'd certainly be hurt. If you want to be single, be single. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 A few months is enough time to give someone a shot. If you are having doubts at this point, then there is no point to continue with someone that doesn't meet your expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 If he's not going to take it to the next level, I don't see why you can't continue to at least talk to others online on the website. You might at least connect with a good person somehow. Online dating is about numbers not quality in most cases. Although I have found that one would have the most luck with a paid website as opposed to a free one, I think that you will also see the most action within the first few weeks of being on a website (paid or not). For all you know he is doing the same thing, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) I have been in a relationship for a few months. He's really nice and I enjoy his company but he seems emotionally unavailable and things are going a lot slower than I want. I am starting to have serious doubts but I like him and don't want to end things abruptly without giving it a shot. One of the issues is that I don't see him as often as I'd like. I met him online on a dating site, and my membership doesn't expire for a few months. I would never cheat and date someone else while in a relationship, but is it ok for me to chat to potential dates online while things are still unclear with him. I am ready to settle down and start a family and have serious anxiety about it never happening. In what way is he "emotionally" unavailable? You said you don't see him as often as you would like, that alone is not emotionally unavailable.... sounds like he is more physically unavailable..... which is still an issue, if let's say you only seeing him once every one or two weeks. How often *do* you get together? And how *is* your time together? Are you close? Comfortable? Intimate? (not just sex although that is important too). Do you spend the night or vice versa? Do you have fun? Do you communicate with each other well? Not just on your dates, but in between dates? So many factors to consider. Anyway, just wondering what your expectations are.....and if they are perhaps a bit too high after only a few months? Can you provide more details? Edited January 10, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Wisecrack Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 And here we have the epitome of why 21st century relationships don't work out. A female instead of discussing things with her SO decides it is better to ask a bunch of strangers online for their point of view while considering cheating. Cheating is cheating the moment you start to try dip your fingers in other jars even if there is nothing sexually explicit at the moment. Sit down with your man, have a heart to heart talk about where things are going and decide whether you like him enough to keep working it out or it is time to stop wasting time and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ally33 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I hate to point this out wisecrack but you are also on here, which means that you sometimes give or get advice online. Sometimes it is good to get an outside perspective from someone who is not involved in the situation. I haven't actually been chatting online yet, just considering it. When I say that he is emotionally unavailable I mean that he doesn't confide in me emotionally or particularly seem like he wants me to open up. We have a good time and he has said in the past that he is looking to settle down but we have gone from being really intense and seeing loads of each other to just once a week. He just doesn't seem to want to take things to the next level and whilst I am in no rush I would like to know this is going somewhere. We have sort of had this conversation before and he assured me that he 'really liked' me and was looking for the same things but after almost 6 months dating I would expect more. I don't want to make rash decisions but also don't want to be strung along. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 I hate to point this out wisecrack but you are also on here, which means that you sometimes give or get advice online. Sometimes it is good to get an outside perspective from someone who is not involved in the situation. I haven't actually been chatting online yet, just considering it. When I say that he is emotionally unavailable I mean that he doesn't confide in me emotionally or particularly seem like he wants me to open up. We have a good time and he has said in the past that he is looking to settle down but we have gone from being really intense and seeing loads of each other to just once a week. He just doesn't seem to want to take things to the next level and whilst I am in no rush I would like to know this is going somewhere. We have sort of had this conversation before and he assured me that he 'really liked' me and was looking for the same things but after almost 6 months dating I would expect more. I don't want to make rash decisions but also don't want to be strung along. Since you have been dating six months, and your relationship appears to be going backwards instead of forward, if it were me, I would just walk away. Don't even talk to him, if he wanted to give you more (more time, more emotion) ...he would be, all on his own. Not because you had to ask him to. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 I hate to point this out wisecrack but you are also on here, which means that you sometimes give or get advice online. Sometimes it is good to get an outside perspective from someone who is not involved in the situation. I haven't actually been chatting online yet, just considering it. When I say that he is emotionally unavailable I mean that he doesn't confide in me emotionally or particularly seem like he wants me to open up. We have a good time and he has said in the past that he is looking to settle down but we have gone from being really intense and seeing loads of each other to just once a week. He just doesn't seem to want to take things to the next level and whilst I am in no rush I would like to know this is going somewhere. We have sort of had this conversation before and he assured me that he 'really liked' me and was looking for the same things but after almost 6 months dating I would expect more. I don't want to make rash decisions but also don't want to be strung along. What is the reasons for going from loads of dates to 1 date a week ? What do you want him to confine in you exactly? What do you mean by next level? Where do you think you should be after 6 months dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Wisecrack Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Oh I do, but my questions are trivial at best. Heck with the new year I have decided I will not rely on other people's perspectives no more but my OWN. Most likely, you are just after the validation that you are doing the right thing or be allowed to do what you want by what other people say. And if it really has gotten to that point that you have already had that conversation then why aren't you moving on? The problem with dating females these days is that you're dating the girl + there immediate social circle + the female magazines + what their family say. Don't you think that is impressionable enough? Make a choice and stick with it is what I say. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 And here we have the epitome of why 21st century relationships don't work out. A female instead of discussing things with her SO decides it is better to ask a bunch of strangers online for their point of view while considering cheating. Cheating is cheating the moment you start to try dip your fingers in other jars even if there is nothing sexually explicit at the moment. Sit down with your man, have a heart to heart talk about where things are going and decide whether you like him enough to keep working it out or it is time to stop wasting time and move on. Sometimes its easier to get advice from strangers as strangers are not emotionally attached. They will give you real, sometimes the harsh truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Since you have been dating six months, and your relationship appears to be going backwards instead of forward, if it were me, I would just walk away. Don't even talk to him, if he wanted to give you more (more time, more emotion) ...he would be, all on his own. Not because you had to ask him to. JMO. What do you mean don't talk to him? She needs to properly break up first for herself. It's important to officially end a relationship to better move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) What do you mean don't talk to him? She needs to properly break up first for herself. It's important to officially end a relationship to better move on. Of course....I did not mean she should just fade or ghost. If it were me, I would simply tell him this isn't working for me anymore, I need more than he is capable or desirous of giving, wish him well and walk away quietly. I wouldn't bother *asking* him for more, IMO if he wanted to give her more, he obviously would be....all on his own. Because he wants to. Not because she asked. She gave it six months, when a relationship is going backwards instead of forward, it's time to move on. Plus, she has *already* talked to him and nothing has changed. I don't waste time with emotionally/physically unavailable men...no woman should...ugh. Again, JMO. Edited January 10, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 When I say that he is emotionally unavailable I mean that he doesn't confide in me emotionally or particularly seem like he wants me to open up. . That's pretty normal for most guys. we have gone from being really intense and seeing loads of each other to just once a week.. How did that evolve? Was he cancelling or rescheduling dates or hanging out with you? He just doesn't seem to want to take things to the next level and whilst I am in no rush I would like to know this is going somewhere. . What is the "next level" to you? after almost 6 months dating I would expect more. What specifically are you expecting from him and/or the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
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