Heartbroken098 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Hi there, I'm hoping some of you can help me out. I have been with my bf for 5 yrs. We recently bought a place together and have been living together for 6 months now. Our sex life for the past 2 yrs have been really bad and pretty much non existent. Part of it being him having probs getting it up. I also lost interest in trying so it's not entirely his fault. I always saw porn on his computer before. Do I like it? Not really but I never said anything as I wasn't putting out much. Recently, I decided to do something about it. I asked him if he could lessen the amount he watches porn and I am willing to work on our sex life. He said the reason he watches porn is because I don't put out. So I asked him what amount of sex would satisfy him in order for him to watch less. I never told him to quit. He then says if u give me atleast once a week, I will stop. So it's been two months. I've been putting out once or twice a week. He told me he stopped watching. I asked him from time to time if he did and if he did, just be honest. He kept saying he didnt. One day I was watching a show on the computer. I used VLC media player. I wanted to go back to a previous episode and thete is a recently played list and guess what? I found a list of porn!! When I tried to click on it..the files are removed. When he got home, I confronted him. He kept denying it and even swore on his mother's life he never watched porn on the computer. He said it must be from before. But i didnt buy it because it wad a recently played list. I didn't really trust him since there was proof Infront of my eyes. He was so convincing that I almost believed him. So I said...well they are removed so let me restore ur deleted files and see when u downloaded them. So I did and he's been watching porn the whole two months!!! Lied to me numerous times. He said he was so happy we were doing it again and didnt want to tell me he couldn't stop porn because he was afraid that I will stop putting out. But I gave him so many chances to just let me know. He's also lied in the past so trust was an issue. I gave him chances before and I haven't caught him in a lie for over a yr. Thought we were moving forward. Now I feel like it's back to square one. I think he just has a really different perspective. He thinks if he lied but there's a reason behind it then it's not tjat bad. For me, I feel like if u can't be open and honest in a relationship then what is the point?
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 If your relationship has been crappy for a while what were you thinking when you plunked down a huge financial commitment to buy real estate with him? That decision alone doesn't seem sound. Do you even like sex? When you say you "put out" one or two times per week, it makes it sound like you are doing him some sort of favor & engaging in physical intimacy with your partner is a burden to you. If that's your attitude, it's probably part of the problem. 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I'm sorry, but I don't think he's the only one with the problem. His lies are to get you off his back. If you don't like sex, and only 'put out' to keep him happy, I don't think you're any more honest than he is. This sounds totally doomed. Really, I have to echo d0nnivain. What the hell were you thinking getting a place together if you're so incompatible??? 2
NoLeafClover Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Not only he doesn't get sex as often but he isn't allowed to watch porn and rub one off at that...poor guy. Seriously through, why should it bother you that he's watching porn. If that's what he likes then that's what he likes. I don't think porn is the reason you two aren't doing it. Im not sure if this is some form of control but he should be able to watch whatever he likes...and not feel awkward about it either. I'm all about being honest in a relationship but having to tell your gf you've been watching porn could also be very VERY embarrassing. That's a very personal topic to discuss for many. If you have to make yourself to have sex with him then there lies your problem. It should come natural instead it sounds like you're making a weekly sex schedule .
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I was about to post the same thing as the other posters. Your choice of wording here is a bit odd. "Putting out" makes it sound like a chore. Do you not like having sex with him? I understand that you would prefer he doesn't watch porn regularly, but I also don't think this is the only problem here.
Author Heartbroken098 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 I'm not sure if you guys read everything on my post. I started disliking sex with him because he couldn't get it up. Almost everytime we do it, we pretty much can't because he can't stay hard. There is an article saying how too much porn causes the person to have a hard time with intimacy with their partner. So why wouldn't I think porn is affecting our sex life when he was able to get hard for porn but not when we were about to have sex? I also wrote that I haven't caught him in a lie for over a yr and half and aside from the sex issue, we were doing great and things have been steady. So that is why we invested in a place together because in my mind, the trust issue has gotten better and everything else was too. It's not that I don't like sex. It's because of his erectile problem that makes it very hard for me to engage in sex with him.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Yes, I read your post. He needs to visit a doctor. He might have a problem that goes beyond watching porn. But again, I reiterate that you "putting out" or treating it as an obligation is not helping the issue either. How's the relationship otherwise? Do you still interact in a romantic way, go on dates, touch?
Author Heartbroken098 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 I know and that's why I admitted it's partly my fault. But given my situation, it's hard. It was two yrs of trying to have sex. One in ten times we would actually have sex. The other 9 times consist of him going soft. The one time would last no lore than two mins. I'm not sure how any girl can really enjoy sex after awhile and not take it as a chore. I didn't want to break up with him over that as other aspects are good. We go on dates, travel all the time., cuddle on the couch etc. And I just want to note that I never told him to quit. I just wanted him to watch less. He's the one that says "I only watch because you don't have sex with me I'll stop completely if we have sex" that's why his lie hurts me a lot. I felt like he just said it with no real meaning behind that. Like I said he can watch but just watch less. He had to make a bold claim and had no intentions to follow through and just kept lying about it.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I know and that's why I admitted it's partly my fault. But given my situation, it's hard. It was two yrs of trying to have sex. One in ten times we would actually have sex. The other 9 times consist of him going soft. The one time would last no lore than two mins. I'm not sure how any girl can really enjoy sex after awhile and not take it as a chore. I didn't want to break up with him over that as other aspects are good. We go on dates, travel all the time., cuddle on the couch etc. And I just want to note that I never told him to quit. I just wanted him to watch less. He's the one that says "I only watch because you don't have sex with me I'll stop completely if we have sex" that's why his lie hurts me a lot. I felt like he just said it with no real meaning behind that. Like I said he can watch but just watch less. He had to make a bold claim and had no intentions to follow through and just kept lying about it. It's a vicious cycle. And it's damaging your relationship. Is he willing to see a doctor? Like I said, there may other hormonal or physical problems that need to be addressed. Or, could he be losing attraction for some reason? I don't say this with the intention of putting this all on you or hurting you, but it happens.
Author Heartbroken098 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 He said he always had this problem. He did see a counselor a few times about it but nothing really improved. The counselor thinks he has performance anxiety. Recently, after we started having sex again, he's been taking cialis so he does last longer and stay hard. But it's the lying that hurts. I mean he's the one that told me he would stop watching porn if we have sex regularly. We did have sex regularly but he also kept watching porn behind my back. Its fine if he has a slip up. But he keeps lying and pretending like he doesn't need porn anymore. I know everyone is going to say "it's just porn. Who cares" well I do care and everyone can have different views on things. I also understand guys do watch porn so I tried to compromise by asking if he can watch less. Instead of just saying ok I'll try, he says he'll just stop completely.
66Charger Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 You are assuming that his problem is related to a porn adduction. It may be, but then again, it may be mental (confidence) or physical. What you did and are doing wrong is the way you handled it. Rejecting him because of this only damages him further. If you really want to save this marriage, you will DEMAND that he see a doctor and GO WITH HIM. Dont just be the wife, be his partner, friend and confidant. There are medications for men that can help and if his confidence improves, they may soon be unneccesary. Only a doctor can solve this. You cant and netiher can he. If it is a porn addiction, then that requires IC. If you really wish to save this, take action today. Do not ask him, force him to go. But you must be willing to work with him and want to be intimate. If this issue is repaired, and you still do not desire him, you will only damage him further. What do you really want from all of this? Was it always this way?
Recommended Posts