Seriously depressed over being a short man [in the dating world]

January 9, 2016

Let me start by saying that I have been in therapy regularly, and I recognize that much of this is my own problem. Still...I can't help feeling how I feel. Therapy does not seem to be helping.

I am handsome (without bragging, have an 8.5/9 face on my best day), intelligent, in great shape, successful (make over 6 figures)...but I feel like it's all negated by my height. I'm a true 5'8" (not adding or subtracting, and this is my barefoot height right before I go to bed). Before any of you say "that's not that short" - trust me, it is. It is short compared to most other men, and more importantly, for many womens' preferences for 5'9/5'10 and up.

I understand there is a lot of truth to the confidence factor, especially as a guy. And I know that there are short men (some shorter than me) who have been quite successful with women. I have been fairly successful with women in the past (I'm in my early 30s), but this has been really getting to me lately. I know that women compare the heights of men against other men, and I do the same to myself...at my office, I'm one of the shortest guys there, easily. I see how women throw themselves at men who are like me (all the qualities I have)...but they are 6'2", so basically, they're "perfect." I know perfection doesn't exist, and I know that none of us can be attractive to everyone, and I'm not trying to be...I just want to be confident. I just want to be happy.

I feel like dating is just overall much easier for women. I'm not trying to start a gender war, I swear. It's just that, even though women go through rejection too, they get so much more attention and chances on average that their confidence rebounds much faster after a rejection. Women say that men reject them for not having a huge chest or big butt, but that's honestly a myth. As long as the woman in question is cute (to the guy), he will forgive her other flaws. A man's height, on the other hand, is the biggest deal breaker in dating.

I just feel in my heart of hearts that I'm less worthy in a way. Like, no matter what I do...I'm ruined by my height.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, because I feel like I'm going to get mocked and flamed. I guess I'm just venting. It just sucks that my cross to bear is something that I'll never be able to change (unless I sacrifice my career, basically, and take a year off to get the height surgery to get to around 5'10" or so).

Again...I know confidence can really do me so much good in dating. And I've been that guy before. Or at least, I've seen the positive results by having faked it really well (at least, for a certain period of time with some women). But I just want to be truly intrinsically confident.

I want to be free of this self hatred.

January 9, 2016

Cofidence rediates from within, not from height. I know some short guys and they have beautiful woman by there side. It's the way you carry yourself that matters.

January 9, 2016

If you feel therapy isn't working, then find another therapist. Not all therapists are the same. If you are here posting to strangers for help, then it's pretty evident this therapist isn't the one for you.

January 9, 2016

I know confidence is super important (as a guy) when it comes to dating ,and I know that help with the height problem...but I really struggle to be confident knowing I have this HUGE flaw (that most women will just not budge on) that I can't do anything about unless I sacrifice my career. All other problems can be fixed at the gym, dressing better, or much easier cosmetic surgery (such as a nose job or fixing your teeth).

My therapist has said I'm too hard on myself in the sense that I refuse to even try dating until I stop my self hatred. He said "people need people" and that even though everyone says "be confident being single" its ok for us to draw some self-worth from a romantic partner. But that probably applies more to women, and women tend to have better confidence simply because they're getting hit on more and have more options (they do, trust me). So part of me wonders if I should just force myself to date, but I feel like I can't/shouldn't at this point.

It's just so unfair that I'm (and all men ,really) expected to be confident 24/7/365 at all times, even knowing I have this basically unforgivable flaw which is all that many women will see.

January 9, 2016

Hah now I see it....you DO have a good therapist, you just don't trust his words.

And that's your bottom line....trust. You don't trust people, you just assume and wallow in your self made dismay.

January 9, 2016

I have a friend that is 5'5 very good looking 9/10 and he does much better then me with girls.

I am 6'5 and maybe 5-6/10 so hight is not everything.

The only place i do better then him is when we go clubbing.

I do want to mention that he is not afraid to start a conversation with any girl and usually dont care about rejection (he is also funny / fun to talk to). He has approached more girls and got rejected more then me but at same time he has also had better looking girls then me.

Work with what you got and i promise you hight is not EVERYTHING.

I would say most important thing for girls is Money see below..

Money<- Status/Fame <- social skills <- Looks <- height

Most of all it is important to put yourself out there if you sit in the house on computer then you wont be getting many girls no matter what.

January 9, 2016

Hah no it's Confidence>sex appeal>self worth>clean and tidy>job>not a man child.

January 9, 2016

Let me start by saying that I have been in therapy regularly, and I recognize that much of this is my own problem. Still...I can't help feeling how I feel. Therapy does not seem to be helping.

I am handsome (without bragging, have an 8.5/9 face on my best day), intelligent, in great shape, successful (make over 6 figures)...but I feel like it's all negated by my height. I'm a true 5'8" (not adding or subtracting, and this is my barefoot height right before I go to bed). Before any of you say "that's not that short" - trust me, it is. It is short compared to most other men, and more importantly, for many womens' preferences for 5'9/5'10 and up.

I understand there is a lot of truth to the confidence factor, especially as a guy. And I know that there are short men (some shorter than me) who have been quite successful with women. I have been fairly successful with women in the past (I'm in my early 30s), but this has been really getting to me lately. I know that women compare the heights of men against other men, and I do the same to myself...at my office, I'm one of the shortest guys there, easily. I see how women throw themselves at men who are like me (all the qualities I have)...but they are 6'2", so basically, they're "perfect." I know perfection doesn't exist, and I know that none of us can be attractive to everyone, and I'm not trying to be...I just want to be confident. I just want to be happy.

I feel like dating is just overall much easier for women. I'm not trying to start a gender war, I swear. It's just that, even though women go through rejection too, they get so much more attention and chances on average that their confidence rebounds much faster after a rejection. Women say that men reject them for not having a huge chest or big butt, but that's honestly a myth. As long as the woman in question is cute (to the guy), he will forgive her other flaws. A man's height, on the other hand, is the biggest deal breaker in dating.

I just feel in my heart of hearts that I'm less worthy in a way. Like, no matter what I do...I'm ruined by my height.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, because I feel like I'm going to get mocked and flamed. I guess I'm just venting. It just sucks that my cross to bear is something that I'll never be able to change (unless I sacrifice my career, basically, and take a year off to get the height surgery to get to around 5'10" or so).

Again...I know confidence can really do me so much good in dating. And I've been that guy before. Or at least, I've seen the positive results by having faked it really well (at least, for a certain period of time with some women). But I just want to be truly intrinsically confident.

I want to be free of this self hatred.

One of the attorneys I work with (he is a partner and co-owns the firm)...is 5'7"... he is good looking, and extremely gregarious, funny, outgoing, and confident.

He is married with kids, but I swear if he were single, I would go for him in a second! I am 5'7".

Confidence comes from within, not from how tall you are. And if a woman would dismiss you based on your height, your attitude should be "good riddence."

Not sure if this helps, but my advice would be to stop focusing on your height ....because any woman you meet will sense your insecurity about it, and be turned off by *that* and not by your height.

Unless she is shallow, and frankly, why would you want a woman like that anyway?

Wish you the best.....

January 9, 2016

Not sure why being 5'8" is a deal breaker if the rest of your description is accurate. When I think of short guys I think 5'5" or 5'6". I hesitate to say it's a superficial thing on a girl's part to kick you out of the running based on your being 5'8", simply because it may just be a preference like any other, such as hair color or amount of hair on someone's chest. I can think of hundreds of other deal breakers more valid than someone's height.

I'm in a similar boat because I'm a 5'3"/110 lb girl who looks way younger than I am, get told how pretty/beautiful I am by friends/family/strangers, and on most days I think I'm a pretty awesome person who has my sh*t together. Yet I can't seem to find anyone either, so I don't even know what my deal breaker is!

The only answer I can come up with is that not every awesome person is everyone else's idea of awesome. There are tons of good looking/wealthy/worthy people out there who find themselves alone and/or rejected. I wish I had an answer for you. Patience is my new goal, because I refuse to settle until I find what I'm looking for and that person finds me. Waiting is the hard part. Trying and getting knocked down is a real buzzkill as well. I choose to believe that one day someone will love us for who we are by people for whom height and other such factors are irrelevant. We may be waiting a long time but I'm confident that it will be worth it in the end. I'd rather be alone and hold out for a special person who loves me for who I am than in a string of meaningless connections with people. I won't say "Someday your princess will arrive" because I'm not a psychic, but I do hope your person arrives sooner than later. Just remember that your height does not define who you are and is not a deal breaker for everyone, myself included.

January 9, 2016

I appreciate what you guys are saying. I know my confidence needs serious work. If I didn't know that, I wouldn't be investing time and money in therapy.

Here's the thing. As a guy, all you hear from others is how important CONFIDENCE is for men. And I know there's a lot of truth to that, I have seen and experienced it.

You also hear that you (men and women) should be totally happy and content with yourself and your life before trying to find someone. But so often, I feel like those who say that are usually married or settled in LTRs. So I'm trying to get myself to the point where I feel like I'm a total catch and confident with myself by myself. But my height is just a huge hindrance to my confidence. I had a long-term gf for many years (she was very attractive), and I never worried about my height then. But after since she left me (and I know she did NOT leave me because of my height, that thought never crossed my mind), this height thing has just been an uphill battle for me.

Maybe I should just force myself to get out there and find a woman. I just know it's gonna be so damn hard to find a woman I actually like and am attracted to who likes me back (the ones I like all want the 10s). A woman is NOT superficial or a bad person for not liking short men. Everyone is entitled to their preferences. I do not believe that women are automatically superficial for rejecting based on height. I have my preferences too.

Whatever...guess it just is what it is and I gotta try.

January 9, 2016

women tend to have better confidence simply because they're getting hit on more and have more options (they do, trust me)

Better confidence? Are you kidding me? The entire history of marketing to women is built upon making them feel ashamed, insecure, and ugly. Go to a supermarket and see how many magazines tell women they need to lose weight, have flawless skin and perfect hair, spend money they don't have on designer clothes, go to the gym six times a week, be pornstars in bed, act girlish and charming while simultaneously empowered and mature but also never domineering or "b-tchy", excel in their careers AND make time for a man.

I hate men vs. women threads because most of these things are subjective; there are drawbacks and benefits to everything. But the idea that women---who less than a hundred years ago weren't even allowed to vote or participate in civil society, and in many parts of the world aren't even allowed to read---are naturally more confident is ridiculous.

Do not make this a men vs. women issue. If there are women who don't want to date you for your height, that's their prerogative. I'm 5'1" and have been told by several men that I'm too short for their liking. I have dated men from 5'5" to 6'7" and have never taken their height into account. Some people care about it. Some don't. Recognize that you can't please everyone and concentrate on the people who are interested in you. It sounds like you have a lot going for you already. Focus on that.

I assure you that being bitter about the issue is guaranteed to repel a lot of women who would otherwise be attracted and yes, bitterness is evident, no matter how well you think you hide it.

It's just so unfair that I'm (and all men ,really) expected to be confident 24/7/365

AHAHAHAHAHA oh god. Welcome to life on our side. Sucks, doesn't it?

January 9, 2016

Better confidence? Are you kidding me? The entire history of marketing to women is built upon making them feel ashamed, insecure, and ugly. Go to a supermarket and see how many magazines tell women they need to lose weight, have flawless skin and perfect hair, spend money they don't have on designer clothes, go to the gym six times a week, be pornstars in bed, act girlish and charming while simultaneously empowered and mature but also never domineering or "b-tchy", excel in their careers AND make time for a man.

I hate men vs. women threads because most of these things are subjective; there are drawbacks and benefits to everything. But the idea that women---who less than a hundred years ago weren't even allowed to vote or participate in civil society, and in many parts of the world aren't even allowed to read---are naturally more confident is ridiculous.

Do not make this a men vs. women issue. If there are women who don't want to date you for your height, that's their prerogative. I'm 5'1" and have been told by several men that I'm too short for their liking. I have dated men from 5'5" to 6'7" and have never taken their height into account. Some people care about it. Some don't. Recognize that you can't please everyone and concentrate on the people who are interested in you. It sounds like you have a lot going for you already. Focus on that.

I assure you that being bitter about the issue is guaranteed to repel a lot of women who would otherwise be attracted and yes, bitterness is evident, no matter how well you think you hide it.

AHAHAHAHAHA oh god. Welcome to life on our side. Sucks, doesn't it?

I appreciate what you said, and I promise I'm not trying to start a gender war. I know many women who have also struggled with dating, and I feel for you guys too. And I will also say straight up that men definitely judge women based on their looks more than women do us. But on the flip side, women have pretty harsh standards these days (not all do) too, and height is usually first on their list (as well as money). Both genders have it rough.

It's just that I feel intrinsically unattractive as a short man, and there's nothing I can do about it (if you're fat you can go on a diet, if your teeth need work you can fix them, if you don't make a lot of money you can improve your career). I'm a really hardworking guy in all facets of my life..but I didn't choose this...and I can't do a damned thing about it. That's what sucks to me. I don't mind spending hours in the gym to look good...Hard work never bothered me.

January 9, 2016

Folks, let's stay focused on the particulars of this dating issue in this thread. More general discussions of height in dating can occur in our General Relationship Discussion forum and we have a thread already existing and open for members to compare their gender difficulties in dating at this link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/396907-consolidated-discussion-dating-relationships-my-gender-has-much-harder-time

January 9, 2016

Also people keep saying you got to have confidence you got to have confidence but confidence comes with experience and if you lack confidence then you dont get no women which means you get no experience and then you dont have confidence.

Confidence is not something you can just decide to flip on. If you date 100 hot women then the next one that comes around you will be confident and wont think much of it but If you never talk with hot girls and a situation presents itself no matter how confident you try to be it will show that you are nervous.

This is not only about women it can be said for everything in life. Pilot that has flown 10 years doesnt even flinch getting in a plane and taking off. Pilot that is flying a plane for first time will definitely be worried.

January 9, 2016

I'd say if you are 5'8", there is something else that makes you focus on perceived negatives. It's an excuse that you are using as a 'fault' that's outside your control that makes you not good enough. Were you brought up in a happy family OP? You seem to be an overachiever. Competitive father? Dismissive mather?

January 9, 2016

I don't think every woman cares that much about height. I know I don't. I'm 5'11 and I've had long term relationships with a man that was 5'9 and a man that was 5'7. I found them both completely perfect, because of who they were as people. Sometimes people would ask me why I was dating these guys that were shorter, but really that was their own problem. As far as I was concerned, I was with a handsome, fun, smart man and the height difference didn't really matter. Granted, I don't seek out shorter men and I'm sure if someone asked me to describe my dream man and I listed height as a feature, I would probably make him my height at least, but that's a dream man and who we are attracted to in reality is based on so much more than a list of desired features.

I don't know if that's useful. But basically, I think you should just try to accept yourself for who you are and trust that one day you'll meet someone that doesn't care about your height. I've had trouble dating as a tall woman, even guys that are 6'1 say things to me referencing how if I'd wear heels I'd be taller than them in a way that suggests that they would hate that. So don't think you're the only one that has a hard time. I don't care too much about it though, I don't want to date someone that cares about something as superficial as height anyway, so I'm alright with those men just going on their merry way

January 9, 2016

Try being a short, fat and ugly man in the dating world. Loads of fun.

January 9, 2016

I don't even know why I'm posting this, because I feel like I'm going to get mocked and flamed. I guess I'm just venting. It just sucks that my cross to bear is something that I'll never be able to change (unless I sacrifice my career, basically, and take a year off to get the height surgery to get to around 5'10" or so).

Well thanks for letting us know you're venting, I won't offer you the usual advice that you're not inclined to believe. Such as plenty of women shorter than you etc, confidence blah, blah, blah.

What I will do is point out the obvious. You can't change your height so what are your choices in life? Really, think about it. I'll spell them out.

1. Continue to foster the same beliefs you've expressed here and spend your entire life in therapy to no avail.

2. Make peace with something you can't change and realise this is just the hand you've been dealt in life. We all get one and very few get the genetic jackpot. I've had to deal with my share of disappointments and well since I can't change them, I've learned to make them less of a big deal in life.

Truth be told I always wanted to be a model. I was born large breasted and 5ft 2" so.....I think you can imagine how futile that dream is. I realised somewhere around age 14 that it was pointless harbouring this desire and feeling frustrated about it. Believe it or not I found something else to do in life.

When you sit in the middle of your frustration and self-affirm your own limitations all you do is create unhappiness in your life. I know it feels good to wallow in the unfairness of it all. It takes away all responsibility for your fate. But at the end of the day it won't help you. If you were 6ft 3" and a solid 5 in features you'd be making a post about how unfair it is you weren't born handsome etc....

Just saying.

Edited January 9, 2016 by Buddhist

January 9, 2016

I'm 5'7 and my husband is a smidgen shorter than me. Actually every guy I've seriously dated has been around the 5'7 mark.

I recently bought platform shoes which make me much taller than my husband - and he really digs having a tall chick on his arm. It truly is about confidence.

January 9, 2016

I don't know if this helps or not, but as a woman who is barely 5 feet, I would consider you to be tall!

January 9, 2016

Let me start by saying that I have been in therapy regularly, and I recognize that much of this is my own problem. Still...I can't help feeling how I feel. Therapy does not seem to be helping.

I am handsome (without bragging, have an 8.5/9 face on my best day), intelligent, in great shape, successful (make over 6 figures)...but I feel like it's all negated by my height. I'm a true 5'8"

[snip]

I feel like dating is just overall much easier for women.

[snip]

I don't even know why I'm posting this, because I feel like I'm going to get mocked and flamed.

I want to be free of this self hatred.

If the therapy is not helping, please be honest with your therapist and tell him. I'm not saying he's a bad therapist nor even the wrong one for you. You could have unreasonable expectations. I don't know, and that's why I suggest you talk it over with the one other person this involves -- your therapist.

There's no sense denying that short men have it harder than tall men in dating, but only ceteris paribus. That's high-falutinese for "all else being equal." But see, in the real world, all else is rarely equal. That 6'2" guy also has some cross to bear. Maybe he's broke. Maybe he has unmanly features. Maybe he's got a three-inch penis. Maybe he's a jerk who never gets a second date.

Dating is NOT easier for women. It's just harder in different ways.

I believe mocking and flaming are against the rules here. I've seen some people spoken to bluntly, as the occasion called for, but not cruelly.

Self-hated? You can't hate yourself that much if you're indulging in this little pity party, right?

Good luck, and keep working on the therapy. Be open to changing your points of view. You can't do anything about your height, but you can do lots about how you feel about it.

January 9, 2016

I don't really think 5'8'' is all that short. Sure, you're on the shorter side, but not that much so. My boyfriend is 5'7'', and being 5'2'' he feels pretty tall to me. There are lots of girls who are shorter than 5'8'' and who won't care about your height.

January 10, 2016

Someone once said to me that height to a man is what big ***s are to a woman, I believe they are right. Some say that if you are lacking in either department, wear lifts in your shoes or stuff your bra. As a joke, of course. Do you really REALLY want to do that? The answer is no, or it should be no that is.

The answer? Go for shorter women so that you will be the tall, dark and handsome hunk to them rather than feel like a dwarf. If it bothers you which it truly seems to, you should go for short women. I have the opposite problem - I'm 5'10" and I'm a woman and a lot of guys come up to my eyebrows. I've dated guys who are/were shorter than me, it doesn't bother me if they are shorter than me, but I know deep inside it bothered them.

January 10, 2016

The only time height should come into play is OLD since OLD is all about stats and most women on OLD want a tall guy. IRL height shouldn't matter.

January 10, 2016

Don't give up on therapy. It takes a long time to dig down and exorcise the things that made us who we are way back in childhood. And despite what you think, it is NOT height. Now I am beginning to wonder if maybe you don't have an element of body dysmorphia. Usually it's about fat or thin, but people with body dysmorphia cannot look in the mirror and see their real self. Now, since you say you're good looking, then maybe not, but you sure are hung up on height. Most guys I dated were not taller than me and I'm 5'7. It probably wasn't their ideal that I was almost as tall or as tall in a couple of cases and also broad shouldered and not at all petite looking. But it's about finding someone who likes you as a person so that the physical stuff isn't quite as important and not being their perfect 10 becomes less important.

You need to stay in therapy. If you feel it's not the right therapist, then try a different one. You can't like them all. But you've got to get the root of your low self-esteem and why you place all your importance on being of average height.

You have a mental block of some sort that you cannot hear the truth, and it will take time to chip through that and get you to connect and listen. I wish you the very best of luck. Hang in there and things will get better.

Sign In

Seriously depressed over being a short man [in the dating world]

Recommended Posts

someguy391

brothers343

smackie9

someguy391

smackie9

Curious-One

smackie9

katiegrl

SomwhereOutThere

someguy391

lana-banana

someguy391

William

Curious-One

Emilia

lehcar

deckard11

Buddhist

basil67

sadsoymilk

Robratory

Confused Teenager

mortensorchid

truth_seeker

preraph

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...