Tread Carefully Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Have you ever been called an "All or Nothing" girl/guy? How did that make you feel? I was dating a man that called me that. He said it's a turn off to most men and that there's nothing I can do about it because it's like a vibe I put out without realizing it. Is he right that it's a bad thing? Why? I was married 20 years, since I was 18, and I'm getting back into the dating game. His comment has really thrown me. What do you all think? Feel free to ask questions if you'd like.
Buddhist Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I think what he's doing is projecting because he knows you're smart enough to not put up with the games he likes to play. It's a put down to try and make you feel inferior or wrong because he's not mature enough to handle a relationship. When I read this, these were my thoughts... - He knows you are seeking relationship and all the responsibilities that come along with it and you won't settle for less. - He really only wants to keep someone on a string for sex and knows you're not up for that. - Rather than admit he just can't give you what you want he decides to tell you that you're a massive turn-off to most men. You aren't, you're just a massive turn-off to him, and he thinks that all men are just like him. They aren't. all or nothing = I can't get no strings sex Edited January 9, 2016 by Buddhist 5
Ami1uwant Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Read this.... 15 Things That Happen When You Have An All-Or-Nothing Personality | Thought Catalog It's a psychological disorder. Kind of related to OCD. Relationships with them can be too intense at times then nonexistent. In some ways it's like you have some Dort of split personality disorder.
Author Tread Carefully Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 I read your link, it was interesting. I don't have black or white thinking though. I love all the shades in between. I agree with buddhist. I do have high standards that I don't bend on. Such as, I need to be in a monogamous relationship with someone that I have feelings for before I have sex with them. I can't do casual sex. I don't know why. Which is frustrating because I have an amazing sex drive. When I'm in a sexual relationship there is nothing I hold back. I think this guy was just upset because he didn't like hearing my boundries. 3
todreaminblue Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 feel good that he said that about you...even though he thinks its bad or a turn off to be an all or nothing type.....it isnt...what it means is that you need to be with another all or nothing type.....someone who respects that quality in you and finds it a turn on...not an off..... all or nothing means with all your heart you do something ...anything for that matter....you arent flighty or wishy washy...you go after what you want and you do it with all your heart not just a half assed attempt...when your hot your hot and its easy to see...when your cold your cold...there is no pretense..no lukewarm.....this is not bad......at all...in fact...even in the bible...god doesnt want lukewarm people he wants people hot for whats right...passionate.... i am an all or nothing person...i dont give up easily if at all....i might take a step back ...and wait for the right timing or to reflect and see what i might be doing wrong or that i could do differently.......all good fighters know when to regroup....or i will wait patiently for another person to make a move..always have been in it for the long haul ...not into temporary or casual... i hardly ever give up when i have made a commitment to see something through to success or growth.or if i fall for someone...theres a reason why i do....always.....because i rarely fall for anyone.......the only time i will give up when i see the fight isnt for good anymore which normally means the other person isnt fighting beside me... keep your all or nothing mindset....and find someone who believes in you and him together....all or nothing......dont be discouraged....by someone else's lack of drive and foresight..someone who used to be in your picture......i notice you say was dating......i wish you well with finding the guy who is right for you to be with....and us all or nothing types....will get there.....deb 4
thecrucible Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I agree with Buddhist. Also try not to let what one bloke says get to you. They always want to get under your skin. 3
Author Tread Carefully Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 That is an excellent post, Deb. It really resonates with me and made me feel a whole lot better. Thank you! 1
Snakechammah Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I'm also an All-or-Nothing girl. No way I'd settle for an idiot who gives me half-assed love. 2
five2nine Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I've called myself all or nothing proudly and I think there is nothing wrong with it. You stand for what you believe in 2
WaitingForBardot Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Yet another all-or-nothing guy here. I'm sure this has driven a few women off, maybe thinking I'm needy or the like, but I've never had problems finding/attracting women that are just as all-or-nothing as me. 2
Wewon Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Have you ever been called an "All or Nothing" girl/guy? How did that make you feel? I was dating a man that called me that. He said it's a turn off to most men and that there's nothing I can do about it because it's like a vibe I put out without realizing it. Is he right that it's a bad thing? Why? Okay, be patient with me, I'm not as swift on the uptake in threads like this. What was the context of him calling you that? Did he even explain what he meant by it? I'm not going to assume that it was an insult based around trying to use you for sex, or a compliment on your strength of character, but that it was simply feedback that you two aren't compatible. Worse case scenario, when a person says something vague without giving you an insight, they are usually trying to manipulate you or play on your insecurities. 5
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Unless the guy is a trained mental health professional, who cares what he thinks? For all you know he's throwing that out there at you because you aren't the push over he can manipulate & that annoyed him. I have a stronger personality & will never apologize for it. My attitude has always been if you want a milquetoast, I'm not your girl. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Okay, be patient with me, I'm not as swift on the uptake in threads like this. What was the context of him calling you that? Did he even explain what he meant by it? I'm not going to assume that it was an insult based around trying to use you for sex, or a compliment on your strength of character, but that it was simply feedback that you two aren't compatible. Worse case scenario, when a person says something vague without giving you an insight, they are usually trying to manipulate you or play on your insecurities. This? I think it entirely depends on what he was referring to, exactly. Can you provide some background, OP? For example, I have a friend who describes herself this way. The problem in her case is that she flings herself full-on into new relationships without letting it develop organically. And gets upset when the men don't do the same. She wants their full, undivided attention almost from the word go, and if she doesn't get that she cuts them out immediately. Basically, she wants commitment and exclusivity extremely early without having any idea if they're really compatible. She also has a hard time with compromise, in many situations. A bit of "it's my way or the highway" - type mentality. And that can indeed be a turn-off. I don't know if this is what your guy was referring to, though, 1
Author Tread Carefully Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 Okay, be patient with me, I'm not as swift on the uptake in threads like this. What was the context of him calling you that? Did he even explain what he meant by it? I'm not going to assume that it was an insult based around trying to use you for sex, or a compliment on your strength of character, but that it was simply feedback that you two aren't compatible. Worse case scenario, when a person says something vague without giving you an insight, they are usually trying to manipulate you or play on your insecurities. Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate them! Here's a little more info for clarity. We started dating and the attraction was there for both of us right away. But I'm a slow dater, I guess. I always want to go on more dates to make sure there is more than just attraction. I want to feel a connection and that takes time to develop. Basically, we dated for 2 weeks (5 dates). We had just had some really great kissing action happening and when he said "Let's go in the bedroom", I said no, I'm not ready. He sat back and said "Oh, you're one of those." Me "One of what?" Him "When will you be ready?" Me "I'm not sure. We've talked about this. When we both feel that we're ready and want to be in a relationship together." Him "I wasn't sure you meant that. Look, you're an all or nothing girl and at your age that's just sad. Who are you waiting for? Your Romeo isn't coming to save you if he's not getting any sex. You know that I could go out with any girl I want but I chose you. And you had to be an all or nothing. Guys don't like that, it's just wrong. It's even worse than being a tease. I really think you just need to get laid. Then maybe you'll wake up." Me "You're right, I need to wake up because this just turned into a nightmare. Sorry that you don't understand but good luck with all those other girls! You can leave now." So that's what happened. And stupid me went to bed crying because I let what he said hurt me. I question myself on how I handled my dates and that conversation. I wonder if he's right. Am I too old to be old fashioned? Am I asking too much in this era of dating?
Buddhist Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Am I too old to be old fashioned? Am I asking too much in this era of dating? No and no. It's not too much to ask to expect a relationship at any age. It's obvious he didn't want to give you one so decided to take a pot shot at you. His problem, you dodged a bullet. Had you slept with him you would have been waiting for something that was never going to happen, commitment. I always find that people tell you exactly who they are at some point. You found out who this person is and that is all. 1
bolase Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 The poor little boy wasn't getting what he wanted and threw a tantrum about it, trying to make you feel bad just because he felt rejected. No, you're not being old fashioned, waiting until you're ready is still the thing to do When I told my boyfriend that I wasn't ready during one of our first few dates when things got a little heated, he responded with "well I'm in no rush" and held me, which is the respect you deserve also. Honestly, what a douche. Don't speak to him again! You'll find a decent man who is more than willing to get to know you well before going there. 4
Saracena Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 ." Him "I wasn't sure you meant that. Look, you're an all or nothing girl and at your age that's just sad. Who are you waiting for? Your Romeo isn't coming to save you if he's not getting any sex. You know that I could go out with any girl I want but I chose you. And you had to be an all or nothing. Guys don't like that, it's just wrong. It's even worse than being a tease. I really think you just need to get laid. Then maybe you'll wake up." Eh? I'm speechless! I'm so glad you showed him the door! 1
Author Tread Carefully Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 Yeah, I haven't spoken to him again and I don't plan to. We saw each other at the gym about 5 days after that night. He came up to me and said Have you changed your mind yet? I just looked at him like, are you serious....and walked away.
Wewon Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 After that added information I can safely say, "All or nothing" is a meaningless pejorative that he threw out there once he realized that things weren't going his way. I would give it about as much merit as him giving you a medical diagnosis. 1
losangelena Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Yeah, I haven't spoken to him again and I don't plan to. We saw each other at the gym about 5 days after that night. He came up to me and said Have you changed your mind yet? I just looked at him like, are you serious....and walked away. That's a quality man right there. Ugh, god, no. I can't believe any living person would give someone else a speech like that and think that's a way of getting what they want. What a colossal douchecanoe, jesus. Like, "you won't sleep with me after two weeks, you should be lucky to have me, how dare you." I had this happen once. This guy and I ended up making out in the backseat of my car, and he kept putting his hands between my legs. I didn't want him to do that, so I kept moving it away, and eventually was like, "knock it off." Well, first he berated me for it and then literally POUTED. He shifted to the far side of the car and just stared out the window, as if he was being denied some vital need. He didn't say a word for the entire ride back to his car. I commend you; I would have been a seething ball of rage. I'm sorry you went to bed crying, but really, don't let this one guy's opinion get to you. 2
Emilia Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I think most men that call a grown woman a 'girl' have issues. He tried to manipulate you by showing his disapproval to make you feel bad about yourself and 'prove' yourself. Oldest trick in the book. A guy tried it with me too once () and I wasn't interested. good riddance! Edited January 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Buddhist Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I would have laughed out loud getting a speech like that, and probably replied that it was pretty sad that a man his age still thinks stuff like this works. 2
loveflower Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I am all or nothing, black or white type of person so I am having nothing now, is that bad?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate them! Here's a little more info for clarity. We started dating and the attraction was there for both of us right away. But I'm a slow dater, I guess. I always want to go on more dates to make sure there is more than just attraction. I want to feel a connection and that takes time to develop. Basically, we dated for 2 weeks (5 dates). We had just had some really great kissing action happening and when he said "Let's go in the bedroom", I said no, I'm not ready. He sat back and said "Oh, you're one of those." Me "One of what?" Him "When will you be ready?" Me "I'm not sure. We've talked about this. When we both feel that we're ready and want to be in a relationship together." Him "I wasn't sure you meant that. Look, you're an all or nothing girl and at your age that's just sad. Who are you waiting for? Your Romeo isn't coming to save you if he's not getting any sex. You know that I could go out with any girl I want but I chose you. And you had to be an all or nothing. Guys don't like that, it's just wrong. It's even worse than being a tease. I really think you just need to get laid. Then maybe you'll wake up." Me "You're right, I need to wake up because this just turned into a nightmare. Sorry that you don't understand but good luck with all those other girls! You can leave now." So that's what happened. And stupid me went to bed crying because I let what he said hurt me. I question myself on how I handled my dates and that conversation. I wonder if he's right. Am I too old to be old fashioned? Am I asking too much in this era of dating? Wow, he's just rude. You're not stupid for feeling hurt and you're not old-fashioned. He's a jerk and projecting big-time. He dind't get what he wanted so he insults you? Oh H3ll no! Lose his number immediately. 1
Author Tread Carefully Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 Thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments, you guys are great! One reason I like dating slowly is because eventually the real you comes out. (Like Buddhist said) He showed himself pretty early which was great for me, less time wasted. I knew he had an ego because he is an amazing heart surgeon but I didn't realize how big it was. I think little ol me poked a hole in it and he wasn't happy about that. Oh well. On to the next one! 4
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