Is being friends a good idea after 10 years, even if it hurts like hell?

[DoritoLover]

Hi Guys

 

I've posted a couple of times about my recent break up with my girlfriend, who I still think is the love of my life. We were together for nearly 6 years and have known each other for 10 years.

 

Since the break up before Christmas we've remained in contact and seen or spoken to each other just about every day. She has told me she really values our friendship and history, we had a few ups and downs, but nothing major.

 

Today was her birthday, she had planned to go out with friends for drinks but this morning she called and said she'd cancelled and she wanted to hang out with me. I said ok and we spent most of the day and evening together. it got to 2am and she booked me a taxi home, I've just got in and broken down in tears... I'm hurting really bad, I still love her and every time we hang out and I leave it feels like breaking up all over again.

 

I really don't know what do do, I'm so confused because she gives me all the signs that she's still interested, she asks about my day, wants to know how I'm getting on in my work and playfully flirts and teases me.

 

I really don't know what to do, I've just spoke to her on the phone and told her I need to talk to her tomorrow, I'm considering telling her that it's hurting me too much to just be friends, but on the other hand I really don't want to lose the best friend I've had in my life for so long.

 

Please help guys, I'm not going to sleep until sunrise at this rate.

 

Thanks! :/

[anonymousbear00101100]

...even if it hurts like hell

 

I still love her and every time we hang out and I leave it feels like breaking up all over again.

 

These are the two quotes you need to key on for your personal well being. This is hurting you. You aren't getting anything positive out of this, and it's likely only going to get worse the longer you submit yourself. You need to separate yourself from her.

 

Being friends with your ex is not something that is ever recommended, especially for dumpees, and especially for those in love with their exes. Each time you see her, you are reopening the wound and digging in a little deeper.

 

For all of us going through long term relationship breakups, we at some point saw our ex as our best friend. That part of the relationship can be the hardest to give up. But it is necessary to find happiness for yourself.

 

Spend time with other friends and go out and make more. Whatever you do, don't continue to torture yourself by hanging out with her. I'd advise not seeing again, even to tell her that you wish to stop being friends. Simply text her you don't want to see or hear from her anymore. If that sounds cruel, well tell her she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too.

 

You will get through this in due time, but you have to make the first step of cutting her out of your life, as hard as that might be.

[DoritoLover]

Thanks man!

 

I understand what you're saying completely and my friends say the same, but i still feel i should meet her face to face one more time to explain how the situation is making me feel, wise or not?

[anonymousbear00101100]

i still feel i should meet her face to face one more time to explain how the situation is making me feel, wise or not?

 

I guess it really depends on what your end game is.

 

If you want to get her back?

I would say it's definitely unwise. To get her back, you need to show her what life is like without you. You are not required to give answers to her burning questions. You do not show up in her life at her command like a lap dog. She needs to realize that she misses you in her life, and by not making a big deal out of cutting her out, it will seem as if you are moving on without her.

 

If you are just trying to do the right thing?

Well I still think it's unwise. Any information that you need to pass on about the situation can be done over text or email. By meeting up, you risk coming off as weak and needy.

 

Thinking about my breakup and why I might have wanted to have this conversation with my ex, it would be because I was trying to show her how much I loved her and how much pain not being with her brought me, all in hope that she would take me back. I'm not saying for sure that it's what you're feeling, but I think if you search your feelings you'll find that you're secretly hoping she'll change her mind with one last meeting.

[Gigolo]

Doritolover, the reason she wants to spend time with you, and throw crumbs at you, is NOT because she cares about you. She wants to feel less awful about herself for having dumped you. That however does NOT mean that she regrets dumping you, or that she is reconsidering her decision.

 

All she is doing is attempting a second smoother landing. She realizes that the landing she attempted the first time round was a much harder landing than she expected. She just wasn't prepared for the sudden jolt she caused you and herself.

 

She is now re-engaging with you to offer you dribs and drabs, a pat here, a cuddle there, a flirt here, a wink there. Basically all she is doing is administering CPR on you, so she revives you just enough to see you limp back to a semblance of life. That way she doesn't have to feel pathetic about herself. By dragging this weaning process out, she ensure a smoother, longer drawn out landing this time.

 

The more you participate in this process, the greater chance that you would end up getting FRIEND ZONED by her. Like thousands of ex BFs end up being to their ex GFs. You will be her shoulder to lean on, her butler, her water carrier, her valet, her best 'girl friend' that she confides everything about INCLUDING HER FUTURE RELATIONSHIP issues (so that she gets a male's perspective to her future relationship issues with other men).

 

I have seen this play out with so many guys, its not even funny.

 

Let me break another not so good news to you. Then reason she has decided to bail from this relationship is because you have ceased to be ATTRACTIVE to her. As the relationship progressed, she possibly began seeing you as a 'needy' BF. Possibly you fell into the trap of being 'a very nice guy', ever willing to bend over backwards to please her. Even after you have been dumped you are writing stuff like, 'I really don't want to lose the best friend in my life'.

 

C'mon dude. Wake up. Man up. You don't have to want to lose the best friend in your life. She has already decided to end it. Don't go groveling back to her begging for a place on her mantlepiece.

 

There is just one shot available to you in this scenario. Man up. Stand up. Reclaim your self respect. Turn around and walk away. This moment on. Don't even look back. Not even once. No more phone calls. No more looking at your phone every 2 minutes wondering if she texted you. Delete her numbers. Block. Unfriend.

 

Don't tell her anything. Feed her the silence sandwich. That will last a lifetime. Give yourself and herself the gift of vanishing. This is a precious gift that she will recall more than all the other memories of her life.

 

Three months down the line, or earlier, you will suddenly feel energized as if you have grown a much stronger backbone. You will re-discover your old attractive self.

 

Meanwhile go out and start doing 'batting practice'. What that means is, go out and start dating other women. Any woman. Good or bad. you type or not your type. Just ask them out for coffee. Just let your dating instincts find their grove again. Don't fall into a relationship, unless you have detoxed yourself from this ex of yours. But 'batting practice' is a must. Like a lion never gives up its hunting skills whether it gets laid or not, you must pull yourself up and show up on the ground for batting practice asap. Brooding over your ex sets your batting skills back. Need to find your stride again, asap.

 

What these two things (vanishing from ex's life, and getting to batting practice) is, it heals you and rebuilds your confidence. Amazingly it helps you forget your ex completely. Super amazingly, many ex GF's come back just when we forget them completely and have begun hitting the ball out of the park during batting practice.

 

Lastly, the sooner you de-idolize your ex GF, the better it is for you. And there is just one way to accomplish that. And that is through the gift of VANISHING. Feeding her the SILENCE SANDWICH. Remember to feed her that for breakfast early tomorrow morning.

[DoritoLover]

I don't think I am hoping she'll change her mind, it just seems like a face to face meeting is more respectful from my point of view and if I can walk away feeling like I'm true to my own morals then that will help me move on in my own way, does that make sense?

[mrwigand]

I don't think I am hoping she'll change her mind, it just seems like a face to face meeting is more respectful from my point of view and if I can walk away feeling like I'm true to my own morals then that will help me move on in my own way, does that make sense?

 

Yes, it makes sense. I understand where you're coming from, and I think it's perfectly valid for you to want to tell her what's up. You guys were together for 6 years.

 

That being said I hope you are true to your own words that you don't want her to change her mind. You can meet with her, but I do think text would be more appropriate. Nothing else needs to be said except that you wish the best, but the way things are going isn't right for you, and for the moment it's best for you to have space. If she cared about you and respects you, she should understand that.

[K2z]

It is not a good idea.

[siamia]

I completely feel your pain and I know how torturing it is to go through this process and analysing every word she said, every look there is (and there are always THAT looks which tells us how nothing has changed). From my own experience I can assure you that you'll only bleed from the same wound over and over again. Every time it feels like another breakup. And people are looking at you like "why the hell can't you get over that already" but the thing is there is no proper healing process. Just a rollercoaster of emotions filled with anxiety, guilt, depression, and low self esteem.

My ex was my very best friend for 5 years before we even started dating so I know the feeling of losing a friend. But I somehow realised (or I'm in the process cuz I feel down as well) he's not my friend. I will always have certain expectations on when he needed to call me, how often, I will always be disappointed if he doesn't suggest that we go to the movies or something. It's just to f***ed up to sustain.

Every time I cut the contact I feel better in a week or two and then something comes along and he finds a way to pull me in again. We just need to be strong my friend maybe even harsh and just cut everything for our well being.

 

Good luck

[DoritoLover]

Thanks for all the advice guys!

 

I've had the day to myself today, sorted my flat out, got rid of everything that reminds me of the relationship and texted me ex to say I won't be hanging out with her anymore.

 

She called me immediately and tried her best to take the empowering feeling of my decision away from me, but I didn't let her, I was very short and to the point and told her I'm going to do what's right for me and no-one can argue against that.

 

It's a strange feeling, It's been a long time since I've felt like I only have myself to answer to, it still hurts but I do honestly feel like a weight has been lifted.

 

I'm sure it'll take time to get back to my usual happy go lucky self, but today it a step in right direction.

 

Thanks all and I hope everyone out there is doing good!

 

Cheers!

[Blanco]

I think people who can go from an intense relationship to friends without any buffering time between are either pod people or the most rational, well-adjusted people on the planet.

 

It's not impossible to go from one to the other, but most people need time away from each other for it to actually work. Staying in touch, even sporadically, in a non-romantic capacity with someone you say is "the love of [your] life" seems like a great way to stay stuck, hurting, and perennially disappointed.

[K2z]

I think people who can go from an intense relationship to friends without any buffering time between are either pod people or the most rational, well-adjusted people on the planet.

 

I have one friend who is one or the other of the above. Goes over the ex's house for holidays, attended her wedding, yadda yadda. That ain't me.

 

With my longest term ex, who I dated for seven years, I'm on terms that could be described as "friend-LY." We occasionally exchange a few words or a social media comment a few times a year.

 

That's about as far as it goes, though. I can't do full on friends.

 

And I sure as hell will never be friends with the current ex who drove a harpoon through my heart in November. Her, I will never speak to or see again (except by bizarrest accident), and it chews me up inside.