siamia Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Sorry for bad English, this is not my first language, but I'll do my best. My story is pretty long and painful. Three years ago I started a relationship with my very best friend (we've been best friends for five years). He was my soulmate before we even started dating, but it just wasn't the right timing for me. I know he was secretly in love with me for the whole time, but we have lived our lives, had romances, I knew his ''girlfriends'' he knew mine, etc. He is a very nice guy (and good on the paper guy), polite, caring, super sweet, funny, creative but always a bit chaotic, unreliable and irresponsible. What a hell, no one is perfect right? We started our relationship in my late 20s and his early 30s, everything seemed perfect we moved in together after only two months of dating. I had my big plans for my future life before that; I wanted to fo to Grad School abroad, but we agreed that we will go together that this is our mutual goal to move overseas. Then life started. I was waiting for him to finish college (he was majoring the subject he couldn't see himself into - that lasted for ten years) like we agreed, but somehow that went slow, first lies kicked in, and suddenly I felt like his mother more than his girlfriend. I noticed he has a passive-aggressive pattern of behavior, he had a serious trouble of confronting any issues, and he's also very insecure and always indecisive about everything. The pattern was always the same - we argue, I try to discuss the issues, pin-point the problem and make an agreement for the next step. A promise, a path, something we should follow and he always agreed 100% but then the second day comes and everything we decided he found a way to sabotage that. Looking from this perspective I know I was worried too much about our future, I was often too pushy, demanding and frustrated and I'm not proud of that. The thing is; we are coming from totally different backgrounds, and I just didn't felt I can relax and live my life day by day. I knew my parents will become my obligation soon, I had no support system other than myself at that time, and he had a beautiful family, well educated and situated who took care of him very deeply in every way (emotional and financial). I just felt I need a direction, but somehow it was like he was sabotaging every step we agreed. With more and more pressure in everyday life, I got into family problems (my aunt died, my mom was depressed, I had to cover them financially, had to take care of my little cousin who left without his mother - my aunt) and I was severely anxious in that period. I just couldn't feel the emotional connection between us, and he even sabotaged my question when I needed help with my cousin staying in our place for a short period. I felt somehow alone, even though he was still caring I just couldn't snap out of the toxic pattern where I looked at him like someone who is holding me back in every single way. I was guilty of trying to leave that relationship few times. One time I caught him texting with another girl, and then I forgive him because he was assuring me that he wouldn't cross the line, that he just needed to feed his ego because he felt like a failure beside me. So it ( the dealbreaker) happened the first time. I was packing for leaving, and he become so aggressive that he spit me. He spit on my clothes, and finally in my face. I was disgusted and in a state of shock. But please don't ask me why - I forgive him. I somehow thought I caused this with my threatening to leave this relationship. Shortly after the toxic pattern continued and it happened again - the second time. Same reason - I was leaving again. I moved out for a month, he cried, and begged like always, explaining to me that he didn't mean that, that he is feeling like a failure, that I'm always expressing he's not man enough and that he feels small and offended and that he didn't mean to. I came back again. I just thought that what we had (the friendship before + almost two years of relationship) is just too big and that he did make mistakes but that he'll learn, same as I needed to learn to behave more mature and stop leaving this relationship and fighting all the time. We spent summer together, had few fights but also had a great time. It started to look like we're going somewhere, I started grad school in our country, we moved to the flat his parents left him, and planned that he'll find a full-time job (he's a freelance) and that we'll start a serious life. That morning we had a fight over stupid phone charger that he claimed I broke. I didn't. But suddenly we ended up yelling and screaming at each other, and he did it again. Spit in my face. Third time. I got a blackout. I started screaming crying and for the first time I spit back yelling ''look at this, how does it feel you animal''. He laughed like ''ohh big deal''. He pushed me then, and I ended up on emergency with a swollen ankle. I left that day. I didn't move out - I just went to my parents place for a few days. I didn't even think; I just couldn't. But I stayed there, and I just couldn't get back. He apologised - but that wasn't enough this time. I needed something, something bigger, evidence that he is aware of the fact how sick this is. Then he realised it got serious this time, he got into panic mode and started camping in front of my building crying every day to forgive him. But I couldn't touch him anymore, something in me was dead. Eight months. I rented a flat on my own but didn't cut contact with him. I still loved him as a person, but I couldn't accept relationship - not the old one, i wanted a new one where we will both work on ourselves and our issues. I started working out, reading a lot, I was talking with him a lot, we would go to the movies, hang out, have deep conversations, but it was somehow a test period for me. But somehow he couldn't stay consistent (again!) moreover because my rank was much higher this time and I had too much of resentment in me so I think I was torturing him with this test period where he just couldn't meet my standards. I was doing that because I was afraid not because I wanted to torture him. But I still couldn't touch him as a man. I haven't kissed him nor did I slept with him for that eight months. I even looked for jobs abroad for myself when we had fights in that period (like he deleted all our pictured on FB when I hided relationship status or similar) Then I went abroad to visit my family. Things got calmer. We became friends again in a way. I invited him with me but as a friend. I told him...we'll ce. Please don't pressure me. But some things got in a way, and I went alone. The moment I came there i started missing him. I felt like I'm ready to save this relationship one more time because I know him, I feel him, I know him at his worst and his best, and also he knows me, and he never judged me. He always encouraged me to feel complete even though I was always ashamed of my parents who are not such a nice people. He started to pull away then. I felt it immediately that there is someone else. And I was right. I tried to stop him, talk to him, tell him that we can save this but it was like he bought a ticket to the amusement park and won't miss that ride. Now I know that was a ticket to run away from me. He was too weak to do it on his own. He cried a lot, telling me he doesn't know how he feels but now knows that we can't continue as persons we were before, that he's so sorry for spitting me but he feels I done everything I can to run away from him and that he felt like he was never good enough. I told him I feel devastated and I know my sins, but I was so hurt, and that we killed our relationship together. That I don't want our old relationship, but that we learned so much and that with this new pattern of understanding and compassion we can build something so much greater and stronger. But he just ran away... I left him at peace for two whole months. I saw FB updates of him going on two trips with her (it was always a huge problem to go travel with me - that was my passion, and I introduced him to the concept of traveling as one of the life's greatest things). After two months we got back in touch due to work stuff (I got him a steady freelance job in my company) and start hanging out again slowly. We talked for hours, he never mentioned her, when I asked he told me she isn't his girlfriend, and he behaved the same as before - caring, loving, compassion...I even thought he will end things with her as this was too obvious that we still have strong feelings for each other. But he didn't. There were too many things going on in last four months that I could cover. Like; he coming to my birthday party and lying her about it, lying her that he is hanging out with me, speaking to me every day or every other day hours and hours on the phone, it was like he was leaning towards me but keeping her by his side. We still haven't had anything physical besides we hugged few times and cried a lot. It was like emotional cheating off every person in this sick ''game''. Every single time I asked him to make up his mind he was crying, telling me that he doesn't know where he is, then blaming me that I left him, that I wanted better things in life which didn't include him and I felt trapped and guilty explaining that I was hurt, and I had different priorities back then (career) but I wanted to build life with him more then anything. I didn't leave him for another man nor did I ever had that in mind (he knows I'm faithful and loyal) but those were mine self-defense mechanism and I know I was wrong for bullying him sometimes and pushing him to do things in my way and my tempo. But I didn't get another chance. He didn't even made up his mind in words, but he did in actions. I saw pictures on FB with him and her at his brother's concert. The same day he was telling me ''I don't know where I'm at with her''. I feel so low; not only did I lose this relationship and friendship, but I also lost my dignity and my identity with crossing every line I couldn't ever possibly imagine. I'm 32, starting everything from the beginning, still loving him and comparing every man with him. I know I also have deep issues, and I'm trying to work on myself I don't want to heal myself with another man, but I feel like this is going to be a long ride for me. I feel I don't have time for another relationship failure, and I'm so scared that I won't find love and create a family (which I really wish to have). Some days it feels like this is some bad dream and that I'll wake up one day seeing nothing has changed. But everything did. I know he still cares for me, he asks for my mother's health (which got worse) offering me his help in any way, but then when I need it and I call him he shut down his phone, and the worst thing is that I know why. He can't answer my call. But tomorrow when he's not with her he calls me, being so caring and sweet offering me any help. I told him that this can't work out and that this is too humiliating for me so I won't rely on him anymore for any help whatsoever. Then there are moments of silence for days or even weeks then again he calls, asking me how are you, how's mom if I'm behaving cold then he's mentioning that he felt sick and had health problems (which he knows I can't neglect I always ask him about that). I just feel trapped. I would love if I have an opportunity not speaking with him at all but we're working together in a way, and there is always an open line of communication between us and I know that suits him. I can't tell him to quit, I would feel terrible, but somehow I would love if he could do it on his own and spare me his presence. I just feel ashamed, guilty and like a total loser in this situation. I'm so sorry for this long story, but I just don't know how to make it short. Please don't judge me.
Author siamia Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 I guess this is to long and boring to read, sorry guys I just didn't know how to put this story in few short paragraphs. I would still appreciate your opinion and effort to read my story. Many thanks
Amelie1980 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Sounds like he likes having a harem of women to give an ego boost. He will never change. he texted other girls while he was with you. Now he is with another girl, he is still texting you. It is who he is. He knows he can cheat on you, cheat with you and you will put up with it Cut contact with him.
Author siamia Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 Sounds like he likes having a harem of women to give an ego boost. He will never change. he texted other girls while he was with you. Now he is with another girl, he is still texting you. It is who he is. He knows he can cheat on you, cheat with you and you will put up with it Cut contact with him. I know that he sounds like a cheater but I swear I know him since we were friends - he's not a cheater, he didn't cheat her with me (physically) and he had opportunity. I cut contact recently but this stuff goes more deep in my head because I lost the sense of who I am due to all the things I allowed myself to forgive
Author siamia Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 He is a cheater. Well that's the thing in my head with f***ed up standards. One minute I see him as a cheater, liar and immature kid the other I blame myself and my bully personality for causing him to ran away from me
Amelie1980 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Well that's the thing in my head with f***ed up standards. One minute I see him as a cheater, liar and immature kid the other I blame myself and my bully personality for causing him to ran away from me So do I. I tell myself it was my fault sometimes. But look at their track records. I have never lied to, cheated on, texted other men, while in a relationship. have you? I bet you havent. Therefore it is their fault and not yours.
Author siamia Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 So do I. I tell myself it was my fault sometimes. But look at their track records. I have never lied to, cheated on, texted other men, while in a relationship. have you? I bet you havent. Therefore it is their fault and not yours. I have never cheated but I have been texting with other man once I found out he done it. Nothing serious I was just talking to him, exchanging traveling expressions, life values and stuff. And then we just stopped. He wasn't from my country it felt like he was some friend from far away in my computer. Still can't snap out of this though...
Author siamia Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 Hi, guys...me again....I was just wondering has anyone ever felt (and how did you deal with this emotion) that you're just not good at relationships? I'm 32 and I had 4 long term relationships but this last one left me feeling like a total failure. People are married (or, at least, getting married) at my age, have kids (or, at least, planning to have) and I feel so far away from all that Firstly I have to get over this completely, then I have to find someone else and I just feel like I don't have time and I'm terrified of another failed relationship or wrong choice. I'm so scared of another heartbreak that I'm scared my fear will ruin up any chance to find someone normal and suitable for myself...
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