AustralianGuy Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Hi all, Great forum, I have been here once before and found the advice from most people to be very open and honest, so I am hoping the good people of Loveshack can once again come to the fore and help me see outside the box that I am in. In short, about 10 months ago my 8 year relationship with my then partner ended. She broke it off stating she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore, and she needed to move on. Naturally I was completely devastated, but accepted after a couple of months that she wasn't coming back and I that I needed to heal and move on. When I thought I was emotionally available to start dating again, I joined a few dating sites and went on a few dates, then after a few months I met this wonderful single mum of one child who really peaked my interest "She is 41, I am 47, she has one 6 yo girl, I don't have any kids" We really hit it off and get along so well, and things have been going great "we have been together 3 months now" however there have been a few things that she has said and a few things that haven't happened that concern me at this stage of the dating game "3 months in" Let me give you a really quick run down of the situation so you can better gauge your opinions, She has a completely mental ex husband who has DVO's against him "Domestic Violence Orders" He was a physical and mentally abusive ex who put her through hell for many years until she had the courage to leave and seek the help of police and DV authorities. She wasn't with anyone else for two years until she met me, and she has sole custody of her daughter "not official, she just doesn't trust her with her ex" As stated we have been together 3 months, we have been intimate many times but haven't had a sleepover yet. She won't let me stay there through fear on how her daughter will react or if her ex shows up, and she won't stay here at my place, even though I have a spare room for her daughter. About a week ago we had our first trip away together, with her daughter, and we managed to spend 4 days and 3 nights away in a hotel without issue, however I was in a separate room to the two of them. When we got back from that trip she asked if she could come and see me, I said sure, not thinking anything was up, however when she arrived she appeared to be upset. I immediately asked her "Hey sweetie, what's up, you ok?" She said "No!, she needs to tell me something and it's very hard for her to say it" I am like, "ok, oh, this doesn't sound good". She then proceeds to tell me the following. "I really like you so much, you are the perfect man in so many ways, but I need to tell you that at this stage, 3 months into our relationship, I am not sure if I am feeling it, and it bothers me that I am not as everything is great, and I can see that you are very much into me, and my daughter absolutely adores you, but I needed to tell you that. I don't want to break up with you, but I needed to be honest and tell you I am not sure I am feeling it at this stage, and wanted to give you the option to do what you need to do, if that is what you want to do" I was completely blown away and did not see that coming AT ALL!! There were no signs of issues in our new relationship, we get along like a house on fire, there is passion, romance, friendship, lots of laughter, mutual respect, great sex, absolutely no sign to tell me she wasn't "feeling it" We then spoke at length, through tears, and I asked her how could she say that, but then say she doesn't want me to leave? She said again she just needed to tell me how she feels at the moment, but she said she doesn't know if things could change in the future, but right now she is happy, albeit not feeling it, and she would hate for me to give up and leave. So here is my problem "it is pretty obvious" I really really like this girl, do I hang in there and give it some more time, as she has come from a really horrible situation in her last relationship, and would clearly have some issues, perhaps commitment issues as well, that may be clouding her judgement "as she doesn't want me to leave" or do I make the heartbreaking decision that what she said is pretty clear, she isn't sure she is into me, so I leave her to go and find someone who is into me? I could see myself, if things changed, spending my life with this girl, so this would be a MASSIVE decision. I appreciate everyone's honest input, particularly some girls who may have been in this situation before. I am very confused and lost, we haven't even had an argument and seem so well suited. I just wanted to hear from others. I would hate to not ever see this beautiful girl again, it would truly break my heart, but a decision needs to be made. Thank you everybody. From AustralianGuy Living on the beautiful Gold Coast. Queensland. Australia
xcupid Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 What exactly isn't she feeling? You say there is passion, romance, friendship, lots of laughter, mutual respect, great sex. What else does she want? Is she not feeling the chemistry? She might be scared after her past abusive relationship. Or she may need time to appreciate what she has in her life. Seems like all of the elements for a good relationship are there except for how she "feels." Give it a bit more time IMO. 1
Author AustralianGuy Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 Thanks for your reply xcupid. I think she means chemistry, but I don't know why as everything has been great. IMHO I don't think it takes 3 months to work out if you have chemistry, but I could be wrong? I normally know in the first few weeks if I feel something for someone. In all honesty I am am not sure what more she wants, she has gone from a horrible relationship to something that is absolutely wonderful, and still she feels that she "Isn't feeling it" I took it as a warning to withdraw a little, which is what I have done, but I too think she just needs more time, and I really want to give her that time, so that the fog from her previous relationship clears, and she can see me, and what I am bringing to the table, a bit more clearer, but I feel I now need to be more cautious to save me from being hurt.
Maggie4 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I cannot understand why a woman would stay in an abusive relationship for many years. It's because I would not tolerate any abuse, at all. So to me, someone who tolerated it, must be wired differently from myself, and I can't relate. I've read it may be she grew up in an abusive family and saw that sort of thing between her parents, and that feels familiar to her. If she is drawn to abusive men, then you're out, because you did not create pain and drama and fear and all that stuff that's all too familiar to her. Just my two cents.
oregon0011 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Short answer. I wouldn't necessarily believe her about her ex. My ex wife did the same as she cheated. Then painted me black. I was abusive. Horrible guy. She felt guilty. Then later she apologized and wanted to get back with me. Women lie at times.
Author AustralianGuy Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 Thanks Maggie, that is a very interesting perspective that I never considered.
Author AustralianGuy Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 Thanks Oregon, but I know she is speaking the truth in this instance. I have heard his messages and read his texts, and seen him lurking near hear house. She put DVO's out against him as this guy is a real piece of work. I am sorry to hear what your ex did to you though, that is horrible.
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