bettermistakes Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 So I've been seeing this man - we've scheduled dates 11 times now and 7 of those times he's had to reschedule and usually just hours before we're supposed to meet. The rescheduled dates happen, but it's still giving me major anxiety. I kmow stuff comes up and he does make good on the updated plans, but this feels awful. I told him as much and he's pissed and doesn't see why it's a big deal. I'm just not sure how to proceed. Work and kids and being healthy of course take precedence but when it happens the majority of the time what am I supposed to think or feel? We both want this go somewhere but it's really hard to feel like we're getting any traction when things are always changing. What do I do?
FeelingFireworks Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I agree with him. now you've accepted 7 'reschedules' from a total of 11 attempts to meet, the message he's received is "she'll always be around". So actually he's right - it's not a big deal because that's exactly the message you've given. If you want it recognised as a big deal, you make it a big deal with how you act as well, not just what you say. My 2 main suggestions for AFTER you verbally address it as a genuine concern: 1) He tries to reschedule: you say no cos now you got other plans (If not, make other plans). If he suggests yet another get-together, offer him 1-2 day/time of availability that week that suit YOU best and let him choose one ONLY. If he can't choose one or cancels again? Don't see him that week. Rinse, repeat as necessary. IMO, it's good to be consistent - as a result you'll be less fixed on him and he'll SEE your time is genuinely valuable. 2) He does it again, since he's done it 7x already, straight up tell him the disrespect has come to a head and it's over. Then, don't look back. It shows you respect yourself and your time and only associate with people who do so too. He'll react one way of two in either scenario: If he's just gotten a bit complacent but is truly interested, he'll step up. If not, he'll be gone. Either way, win-win. Don't let the fear of losing a person who may only be half invested at best keep you from doing what you gotta do for the health of your mind and dating life. Plenty other (attentive) options around. Remember: You teach people how to treat you. Good luck. 3
kendahke Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I kmow stuff comes up and he does make good on the updated plans, but this feels awful. I told him as much and he's pissed and doesn't see why it's a big deal. That's because he doesn't see your time as being valuable; he's also using the leverage of you going along with the rescheduling, as you have done so 7 times. He's got a lot of nerve getting pissed that you're calling him on his rudeness and him being dismissive of your time. Is your time valuable to you? Then this isn't the guy for you. I'm just not sure how to proceed. Work and kids and being healthy of course take precedence What does "being healthy" have to do with breaking dates at the very last minute? Work and whose kids? How are they the reason he breaks the dates at the last minute? Does he have a vindictive babymama or something? but when it happens the majority of the time what am I supposed to think or feel? I'd pretty much feel as you do if it's becoming a habit. We both want this go somewhere but it's really hard to feel like we're getting any traction when things are always changing. What do I do? It doesn't sound from what you've written that he really is investing in it getting traction. I'd put him in the friendzone and keep looking. When it's more than 50% of the time he's bailing out on you, then he's just wasting your time--if you let him. 1
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 11 dates cancelled He cancelled 7 You cancelled 4 I think at this point you have to come to the conclusion you do not have time and proper schedule to date each other. 1
Maggie4 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Don't schedule anything. From now on, all dates are tentative until confirmed 30 minutes before meeting. 1
hippychick3 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Dating is supposed to be fun. You shouldn't have to deal with feelings of anxiety. That alone should tell you that you're dating the wrong person. Move on to someone who is consistent and reliable. 2
spiderowl Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) So I've been seeing this man - we've scheduled dates 11 times now and 7 of those times he's had to reschedule and usually just hours before we're supposed to meet. The rescheduled dates happen, but it's still giving me major anxiety. I kmow stuff comes up and he does make good on the updated plans, but this feels awful. I told him as much and he's pissed and doesn't see why it's a big deal. I'm just not sure how to proceed. Work and kids and being healthy of course take precedence but when it happens the majority of the time what am I supposed to think or feel? We both want this go somewhere but it's really hard to feel like we're getting any traction when things are always changing. What do I do? Dump him. Go by your feelings. What are you feeling most of the time with respect to this guy? "major anxiety" "feels awful". This guy is not making you feel good. He doesn't deserve your time and attention. It's very easy to know what to do if you trust your feelings. Edited January 9, 2016 by spiderowl 2
mortensorchid Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 He's not interested. A man who likes you even somewhat, or who cares in the slightest about his street cred is going to go out of his way to be with you even if it's just for an hour or two for a drink or a meal. Face. Move on to another person who isn't like this. 1
Wewon Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Interested people act interested. I can't think of anytime that I was really excited about meeting someone that didn't do everything I could (within reason) to keep the date. Let alone get defensive and angry when called out. When people are interested, there is usually a *hint* of insecurity (not a lot) because they see you as someone that others would want. However, if I were lukewarm about a woman, I can see cancelling if a really good movie came on or if I got caught up in an interesting phone conversation. And I would see those cancellations very glibly as "life happens". 1
Author bettermistakes Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 Thanks everyone for the sanity check and feedback. This ain't working. I would have liked to have realized this a bit sooner, but this is still better than past romantic entanglements. So, progress. Thanks for the advice and food for thought for future dating endeavors. 1
katiegrl Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 11 dates cancelled He cancelled 7 You cancelled 4 I think at this point you have to come to the conclusion you do not have time and proper schedule to date each other. OP cancelled four dates? Did not read that...... OP why did you cancel four dates? I am confused!
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 So I've been seeing this man - we've scheduled dates 11 times now and 7 of those times he's had to reschedule and usually just hours before we're supposed to meet. The rescheduled dates happen, but it's still giving me major anxiety. I kmow stuff comes up and he does make good on the updated plans, but this feels awful. I told him as much and he's pissed and doesn't see why it's a big deal. I'm just not sure how to proceed. Work and kids and being healthy of course take precedence but when it happens the majority of the time what am I supposed to think or feel? We both want this go somewhere but it's really hard to feel like we're getting any traction when things are always changing. What do I do? It is what it is....it's a no brainer: date someone who is more suitable to your expectations.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Why are these reschedules happening so much? What are the reasons?
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 IMO it doesn't matter if it was honestly unavoidable to have to cancel/reschedule dates. It's about expectations. His life too complicated/busy to date someone properly? So what, that doesn't mean you have to oblige to it.
Author bettermistakes Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 I didn't cancel any of them. Out of 11 dates, 4 happened as originally planned and He rescheduled 7 of them. The reschedules happened, which is partially why I let it go it so long. But it's just gotten to be too much. Reasons include work schedule changing (he does home repair stuff), being sick, having a migraine, his ex needing him to take their daughter last-minute.
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I didn't cancel any of them. Out of 11 dates, 4 happened as originally planned and He rescheduled 7 of them. The reschedules happened, which is partially why I let it go it so long. But it's just gotten to be too much. Reasons include work schedule changing (he does home repair stuff), being sick, having a migraine, his ex needing him to take their daughter last-minute. IMO no one has that many issues. If I was a person with this much crap going on, I wouldn't find it fair to date anyone at this time...how can anyone like that expect a person to accept that?
katiegrl Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 IMO no one has that many issues. If I was a person with this much crap going on, I wouldn't find it fair to date anyone at this time...how can anyone like that expect a person to accept that? Agree, and frankly I would be embarrassed canceling so many dates...with the same person. At some point, ya just gotta think "I'm not ready to be in a relationship," or even just dating! smackie is right, it is just not fair to the person you are dating....
carhill Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 What do I do? You're apparently single so socialize with a range of men and, generally, the most compatible rise to the top. I'd consider this man unreliable and would not prioritize his position on the dating roster. IOW, if nothing else is going on and things work out with him and he doesn't cancel, OK, presuming you wish to go out with him.
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