chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months, but had been seeing each other on and off for about a year prior to officially getting together. We love each other, but definitely clash in certain areas. To give a brief overview of the dynamic of our relationship, my girlfriend "wears the pants" and sort of takes change. She has a controlling nature (not in the stereotypical sense, e.g "You're not allowed to go to the club!" but more in the form of organising things and making the decisions in the relationship - generally 'leading' the relationship). Quite often, I'll feel patronised by this and feel that she feels I'm incapable of taking control, or that she's talking down to me (although I know she's only looking out for me). She also get frustrated easily and is very irritable and snappy. She gets terrible road rage and always seems to be in a hurry, so everything she does (we do) must be done immediately and in the quickest possible way. She is extremely assertive. She smokes weed daily (I'll discuss this more later). She also has a bit of a childish nature to her which I can find quite annoying sometimes (she agrees that she is annoying, here). A lot of these things conflict with my personality and make dating her quite difficult for me (although, I love her anyway so they would never be a reason for me to leave her; I'm sure I'm difficult for her to date in many ways, too). I'm somewhat the opposite to her in many senses. I've very passive, often allowing people to overpower me and I rarely speaking up about things. I'm not easily made frustrated or irritable, and I'm a very patient person. So, when my girlfriend is carrying all of her frustration and needs to get things done immediately, I am often rushed and her tension is transferred onto me. However, as she is assertive throughout the day and expresses her discontents freely, and smokes weed, I feel she has the opportunity to kind of release this tension. However, where I'm quite passive and don't smoke weed, I don't really get the opportunity to release it and end up bottling it up inside. When she's irritable and snappy with me, it really bothers me and I don't like it, but where she holds all the power in the situation I kind of withdraw into myself and don't speak up about how I find it acceptable. Now, on 4 occasions I have retaliated to her behaviour and have attacked her (on 2 of these occasions I bit her cheek, on 1 I punched her in the back and on 1 I grabbed her and pushed her onto the bed). She has always expressed how she finds it unacceptable, and I cry and apologise and it's soon forgotten about. On the most recent occasion, however, whereby I bit her cheek, she decided that she'd like us to go on a break because of it. She's been very distant and has expressed that she now views me differently. I feel as though the main purpose of this break is to punish me. I can't help but feel that she's overreacting and failing to accept responsibility for her part in it. I accept that it's wrong for me to be physical with her but there are a few things to take into account, here. It's really a case of my aggression (what bothers her) Vs her snappy and irritable nature (what bothers me). Usually when I snap, it's as a result of her taking her frustration out of me in the form of snapping at me or rushing me. I feel as though it's not fair that she treat me that was as I didn't do anything to deserve it - it's the result of HER frustration. However, when she snaps and takes her frustration out on me, it's not as a result of anything I did or said. Secondly, I feel it's unfair that she makes NO effort not to be snappy and irritable with me (she knows it bothers me), whereas I am being punished for having bitten her and must make such an effort to stop this - we should BOTH make an effort, and an equal one. She's also snappy and irritable ALL of the time, whereas I only resort to being physical about 1% of the time - 99% of the time, I bite my tongue and am passive. I feel that she's not acknowledging this. She seems to view the fact that I bit her as the absolute worst thing you could do to a partner. I don't really agree. When I attack her, it's very quick and I only do it when I'm pushed, and as a last resort. I don't cause any major harm and I can't imagine that it's THAT painful. But, personally, I find her daily snapping and irritable nature far harder to deal with, and more unfair for me to have to deal with, however I'M the baddie because I bit her. Is she overreacting? AM I the baddie? I feel like if a camera were to follow us around for 24 hours and then show the footage to a group of people, most people would agree that I'm more so the innocent one and that she is the one treating me more unfairly. It's just a case of the minute you mention aggression, you're immediately demonised.
VeveCakes Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Yes you are wrong. Physical abuse is NEVER ok and you can be charged for this behaviour. If you don't like her moodiness then why stay with her? You need to grow up and stop abusing your partner. 5
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 Because I love her and I am attached. But is emotional abuse right, though? I feel as though people overlook emotional abuse because you can't SEE it, much like how mental illness isn't treated as seriously as physical illness. She also isn't innocent, when it comes to physical abuse. She has strange habits like biting my ears/neck really hard, or slapping me if I don't do something I want her to do, and I also express discontent towards it. Is that not also abuse, in some form? I hate that I'm being made the criminal, here. I'm sure nobody who could SEE our relationship for a day would agree that I am that.
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 Yes you are wrong. Physical abuse is NEVER ok and you can be charged for this behaviour. If you don't like her moodiness then why stay with her? You need to grow up and stop abusing your partner. Because I love her and I am attached. But is emotional abuse right, though? I feel as though people overlook emotional abuse because you can't SEE it, much like how mental illness isn't treated as seriously as physical illness. She also isn't innocent, when it comes to physical abuse. She has strange habits like biting my ears/neck really hard, or slapping me if I don't do something I want her to do, and I also express discontent towards it. Is that not also abuse, in some form? I hate that I'm being made the criminal, here. I'm sure nobody who could SEE our relationship for a day would agree that I am that.
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You are over looking the fact that it is ON YOU to leave this relationship if you feel bullied/controlled/abused. This relationship is toxic. Just own it and dump her.
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 To be honest, I realise that it is useless posting this thread on a site and asking for people's opinions. They cannot see our relationship on a day-to-day basis so won't be able to get a clear image of what it is like.
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 To be honest, I realise that it is useless posting this thread on a site and asking for people's opinions. They cannot see our relationship on a day-to-day basis so won't be able to get a clear image of what it is like. I have been in an abusive relationship for two years. Sure you have days when everything is wonderful, then you have the days of bad temperament, the fights that turn physical, then the apologies, everything is good again for a week or two then the cycle starts all over again. Been there done that. I'm telling you from experience, this is something you need to walk away from. You both just bring the ugly out of each other, and there is only one way to fix it....I can't be any clearer....is to get the f out. 1
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 I have been in an abusive relationship for two years. Sure you have days when everything is wonderful, then you have the days of bad temperament, the fights that turn physical, then the apologies, everything is good again for a week or two then the cycle starts all over again. Been there done that. I'm telling you from experience, this is something you need to walk away from. You both just bring the ugly out of each other, and there is only one way to fix it....I can't be any clearer....is to get the f out. What you're describing there isn't me. I'm not the one who apologises and then does it again the next week. It's HER who's on irritable/snappy mode 24/7 and me who only snaps 1% of the time, and it's in such a lame, girly way that it's barely anything (which is why I feel she's overreacting) - I can't fight to save my life. It's not as if I'm a man who physically overpowers her. Generally, she holds the power and has a lot more power over me than I do her. I can agree with what you're saying about the relationship being toxic and us probably needing to not be together.
VeveCakes Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Emotional abuse is abuse yes, but you are the one here admitting to physical abuse so I'm telling you it's wrong and NEVER acceptable regardless of whether it's one time or she provoked you. This relationship is immature and toxic. 1
jen1447 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 This relationship doesn't sound healthy in either direction and I think you'd both benefit from being apart. (And not just temporarily.) This fighting and 'attacking' stuff often gets poo-pooed as cute or funny in the case of women bc it's not generally serious business like when a man fights a woman or another man, but if you put a man in one of the roles (like the biter/pusher), ppl would likely flip out. It's not silly or cute or funny, it's legit unhealthy. (I'm bi w/GFs btw so I'm not just talking out of my butt here if you're thinking that.) 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You are so wrong. You assaulted your girlfriend. That is illegal and appalling. I don't think you grasp the gravity of your behaviour. Don't even try to justify or rationalize it, because you can't. Her emotional abuse is also wrong. There is also no justification for that. You two have a lot of growing up to do. And I strongly advise you walk away from each other before one or both of you gets seriously hurt.
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 Well, I live in the UK and I would not have gotten in trouble with the law for biting my girlfriend. I know that much.
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 You know what, I wish I could delete this thread. Asking strangers for an opinion about a relationship they cannot see and do know know, personally, is useless. You do not know what kind of a person that I or my partner am. You cannot SEE the daily dynamic of our relationship. The word 'abuse' really can make something sound a lot more serious than it is - especially considering it has ties with the law. It's the same thing as how people treat mental illness less seriously than physical illness - merely because you can't always SEE the evidence of mental illness or emotional abuse. I doubt that she, herself, feels 'abused' - I just think she's being stubborn and exercising power. I am not the cunt in the relationship, from day-to-day. I honestly wish I could film our relationship for 24 hours and then post it on here - you'd see exactly what I mean. It was silly of me to post this thread. Being an anxiety and depression sufferer, people's responses have made me feel quite negatively about myself crappier than I already feel about myself, as a person. It's my own fault - I should have known my limits, and known what I am sensitive to. Please, can nobody else reply to this thread.
Eighty_nine Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You know what, I wish I could delete this thread. Asking strangers for an opinion about a relationship they cannot see and do know know, personally, is useless. You do not know what kind of a person that I or my partner am. You cannot SEE the daily dynamic of our relationship. The word 'abuse' really can make something sound a lot more serious than it is - especially considering it has ties with the law. It's the same thing as how people treat mental illness less seriously than physical illness - merely because you can't always SEE the evidence of mental illness or emotional abuse. I doubt that she, herself, feels 'abused' - I just think she's being stubborn and exercising power. I am not the cunt in the relationship, from day-to-day. I honestly wish I could film our relationship for 24 hours and then post it on here - you'd see exactly what I mean. It was silly of me to post this thread. Being an anxiety and depression sufferer, people's responses have made me feel quite negatively about myself crappier than I already feel about myself, as a person. It's my own fault - I should have known my limits, and known what I am sensitive to. Please, can nobody else reply to this thread. We have a lot of very rigid thinkers here. These kind of replies happen all the time. I'll say that her behavior IS wrong, she is emotionally abusive and controlling. People can get up on their soap box and say "physical abuse is never ok!" And that is true! But pushing your s/o to their absolute limit, making no effort to change, and then blaming them for everything when they do snap is also WRONG. My opinion is that you have to leave this relationship, because your partner is bringing out the worst in you-- that's never a good sign, and hard to reverse. Your resentment for her is strong and rightfully so. Doesn't mean you don't love her, but I'm not sure that this is fixable. It does sound like she isn't trying, either. If she's not trying, she's bound to continuing pushing you and I know you are not proud of being physical with her and don't want to continue that-- but I don't see her making any changes anytime soon. 1
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 We have a lot of very rigid thinkers here. These kind of replies happen all the time. I'll say that her behavior IS wrong, she is emotionally abusive and controlling. People can get up on their soap box and say "physical abuse is never ok!" And that is true! But pushing your s/o to their absolute limit, making no effort to change, and then blaming them for everything when they do snap is also WRONG. My opinion is that you have to leave this relationship, because your partner is bringing out the worst in you-- that's never a good sign, and hard to reverse. Your resentment for her is strong and rightfully so. Doesn't mean you don't love her, but I'm not sure that this is fixable. It does sound like she isn't trying, either. If she's not trying, she's bound to continuing pushing you and I know you are not proud of being physical with her and don't want to continue that-- but I don't see her making any changes anytime soon. Thank you, Melissa. I've been in a low mood all day because of what's going on, almost suicidal (plus other things), so I should have known not to post a thread like this. Thank you for your words, though. They helped me a lot. I was literally on the verge of walking to my nearest train station...
Author chronicling Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 We have a lot of very rigid thinkers here. These kind of replies happen all the time. I'll say that her behavior IS wrong, she is emotionally abusive and controlling. People can get up on their soap box and say "physical abuse is never ok!" And that is true! But pushing your s/o to their absolute limit, making no effort to change, and then blaming them for everything when they do snap is also WRONG. My opinion is that you have to leave this relationship, because your partner is bringing out the worst in you-- that's never a good sign, and hard to reverse. Your resentment for her is strong and rightfully so. Doesn't mean you don't love her, but I'm not sure that this is fixable. It does sound like she isn't trying, either. If she's not trying, she's bound to continuing pushing you and I know you are not proud of being physical with her and don't want to continue that-- but I don't see her making any changes anytime soon. It was horrible to feel like, as well my girlfriend making me feel like the world's worst person, the internet world viewing me as one too. Because, in all honestly, it's really not the case when I haven't switched that 1% of the time.
Versacehottie Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Your gf can be all those annoying things (agree with you on those!) but one doesn't excuse the other. You can't have it both ways. If you are so bothered by stuff she does and her dominating nature, you need to find healthy, productive and non-physical ways to deal with it OR leave. As most of the posts have indicated you can't justify what you've done to her (handful of times of physical assault when provoked in your opinion), which doesn't mean she is in the right--it just means that is not the way to cope. I can't imagine being with a personality like your gf. There are a few people who are controlling, dominant and outspoken in similar way in my life (not romantically) and even a little exposure is a drain. You're right it does transfer BUT don't complain about it without doing anything productive and proactive about it. You've had 4 examples where it took you to a place that endangers everything (your freedom and your relationship with her) and probably not who you want to be as you describe yourself as a passive person. Perhaps try to find a middle ground where you speak up more, assert yourself more so things don't bottle up and you don't get to a physical point. Just because it's girl on girl fighting (thus in eyes of some might be considered "fair"), in eyes of law and most others it's domestic abuse. You don't want to be that person, do you? I have had some lesbian friends so I know that the phenomena of girlfriends hitting each other is not at all uncommon. That doesn't make it right, safe, healthy or legal though--so watch yourself, there's a lot at stake. I don't think you want to be in a relationship that causes you so much pain and rage that you feel that hitting is a viable solution to the immediate problem. Good luck. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 you can ask that the thread be closed. I know that sometimes the replies send people into a darker place. That's not what you need today at all. I don't think you are in complete denial of what you've done but I think it's all too much to take in in your emotional state. I read your update of the extent of how bad you feel (train station etc, I can't even say the word because I don't want it to be true in any way). Just ask for them to close the thread (they won't delete it I don't think). I'd ask but it's your decision to make. Hang in there. Things always get better.
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 What you're describing there isn't me. I'm not the one who apologises and then does it again the next week. It's HER who's on irritable/snappy mode 24/7 and me who only snaps 1% of the time, and it's in such a lame, girly way that it's barely anything (which is why I feel she's overreacting) - I can't fight to save my life. It's not as if I'm a man who physically overpowers her. Generally, she holds the power and has a lot more power over me than I do her. I can agree with what you're saying about the relationship being toxic and us probably needing to not be together. Yes I know I meant her being abusive/controlling, then apologizing, then going back to the same pattern. It's a vicious cycle that never stops. It does escalate more and more over time. You could be in your best behavior, please the crap out of them, but there will be something that will set them off. And yes you got it, you do need to NOT be together. It's only going to get worse. At this point who's to blame is pointless.
LostOnes05 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 If you choose to stay, which I don't recommend, you have to learn to react differently. Because that's all you have control over. She seems to like drama and feeds off of it. So next time she snaps just look her in the eyes, tell her that was very disrespectfu and gather your things. Tell her that if she would like to discuss things as an adult she knows how to reach you and walk away. If you choose to go, walk away and don't fall for sorry, "baby come back...you can blame it all on me" haha. Giving someone who loves drama your silence and ignoring them hurts worse than any bite you could ever muster. From your other posts in this thread, I can tell just as much as your gf can that you don't have the power yet to leave. Being able to walk away and stay away is the best option from my outside-in perspective. Not only does it rid you of the fights, but gives you a chance to heal and look from the outside in as well. Think about it...would you advise a friend to stay in this situation? Probably not. I can tell the emotional abuse is taking its toll on you. People may harp on your physical violence and say whatever, it's their opinion. But emotional abusers are great in abusing and being the victim. They leave scars that no one can see because that's the essence of an emotional abuser...see how far you can push without them leaving, and then push some more until they break. Love isn't supposed to hurt and it seems that the love you guys share is doing just that. You have to walk away from this "relationship" with the understanding that it isn't healthy for either of you and what it will mean 1,2, 5 years from now. Get some counseling on how to engage, or rather not engage, people like this in the future. <she likely won't be the last>. Also, reflect on ways you cope with stressors because violence only leads to more violence. Do yourself a favor and reread your post and ask yourself if the relationship has changed you for better or worse. It will be clear then. I wish you the absolute best in this and future relationships.
Fleur de cactus Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 You have to leave, I am telling you, you have to end this relationship. I know what you are talking about. You reminded my the emotional abuse relationship i had once. No one else can understand if they never been a victim. It is a cycle, of abuse, apologies and walking on eggshells. It is horrible. Simply horrible. It comes to the point you do not know what to say or what to do because no matter how careful you are, your partner has a way to twist your words in a very negative way. This relationship is destructive. It is killing you emotionally. That is why sometimes you snaps. I had to end my relationship because I could not continue loving someone who is destroying my mental health. Be strong and end this relationship. Good luck.
Ally33 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 No she is not overreacting at all. She is right to want a break and you should do the right thing and break up with her. You are responsible for physical abuse. If you don't like her behaviour get out of the relationship. It is not ok to hurt her. Has this ever happened in previous relationships? If so it might be worth considering some therapy. This relationship is toxic and could end very badly. Please do the right thing.
Author chronicling Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 No she is not overreacting at all. She is right to want a break and you should do the right thing and break up with her. You are responsible for physical abuse. If you don't like her behaviour get out of the relationship. It is not ok to hurt her. Has this ever happened in previous relationships? If so it might be worth considering some therapy. This relationship is toxic and could end very badly. Please do the right thing. No, it hasn't happened in previous relationships. Nothing about my temperament outside of the 3 seconds that I snap and retaliate, is violent. It's the complete opposite - passive and timid. I'm not just some violent person throughout the day, from day-to-day. I cannot stress that enough. I love her, which is why I stay with her. I don't like the way she treats me and speaks to me, and the way that I [very rarely but] sometimes retaliate to this, but I love her. That's why I stay. I wish it was as simple as dropping all of my emotional investment in the relationship and leaving her, but it doesn't work that way.
Author chronicling Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 I think I have more of a reason to want a break than she does. This is how it is. She spends 100% of her time taking out her frustration on me by speaking down to me and treating me in ways that are unfair. This causes me mental distress. Whereas 99% of the time I am a passive girlfriend, causing no harm. 1% of the time, I will retaliate in the space of about 2 seconds by biting her cheek or pushing her (hardly boxing her or battering her) - she has bitten me harder during sex, and I have expressed that I do not like it but she continues to do it. The idea of me being "abusive" is almost laughable to me.
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