memomma Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 I have filed for divorce. My husband is waiting to receive the papers in the mail. We have been separated but living in the same house since March 1....that is the official date. I honestly could not tell you the last time we were together as man and wife. I've asked him to move out. I asked him this yesterday. I have just reached a point where I have decided I can no longer do this. I had thought he could continue to live here until the divorce was final as long as there was no chaos.....fighting, etc. We have no loud fighting but the tension and the bitterness that exists between us is so thick in the atmosphere I feel like I'm smothering. I just can't do this any longer. So when I asked him to move....he just turns his back on me and stands there sobbing. I'm like....listen buddy....you need to talk to me and make some decisions here because I am sick and tired or this......I didn't actually say those words to him but that was the thoughts process. When he's crying, I feel nothing. I'm just looking at him thinking......stop this nonsense and deal with it. I can't tell you why I feel like this exactly. Normally I'm a very compassionate and caring person. I just feel numb when he's carrying on like that. Nothing....just like......would you stop it! So after 30 minutes or so of listening to him cry and carry on about how much he's tried the last few months and how nothing he does is good enough......I get frustrated and say......bottom line is I want you to move out. Any advice on how to make this happen?
smile95 Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 I read your post the other day too and I think that was very brave of you. You are trying to better your life and that includes getting rid of all that is bringing you down. You go girl! I have to say that I was with a guy for 5 yrs once and he hurt m very bad. Physically, emnotionally, mentally, and in the end when I FINALLY said I was done, he cried and usually I would too with him. I felt nothing. Finally all of his crap caught up with me and I hated this man in front of me. Where was he for me in my time of need. Sounds like your husband either does not want this or is buying time. Will he have to pay alimony to you? some people stall for that reason. I am very happy that you did this and the fact that you felt nothing when he cried shows me you are ready to move on. He will now either accept it or try and change and you just have to realize that people will go back to who they are -stick to your guns!!!! You are a strong woman and he prob is just in shock. Keep us updated!
SoleMate Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 It seems the biggest barrier to making this divorce happen is your guilt over hurting him - right? Or is there something else? Just push ahead with the paperwork. You can get a default judgment even if he never responds to the legal actions in the slightest. You do not need any cooperation from him to make a divorce happen. It sounds very difficult for you to have stood there and looked at his pain. I don't doubt that he is in severe emotional pain. My armchair diagnosis is that he is moderately depressed and should be on medication (no charge for the medical advice BTW ). Your pity for him should not blind you to the need for this marriage to end. I read your other thread - about how your daughter with a migraine tangled with your H over the TV and lights in the common living area. His behavior was totally unacceptable. I was also not thrilled with hers. If she is ill, then she should be in her room. She should be considerate and so should he. Sounds like there was a breakdown on both sides. It would have been far better if you or your H had gone to her room and aired it out, or removed the candle, so your daughter could rest there. Then, in a functional family, a parent or stepparent would have checked in on her periodically to see if she needed water, medicine, whatever. Neither your daughter nor your H would have been screaming angirly at the other, nor engaging in assault. (BTW, migraines ARE a severe illness, acording to the sufferers I have talekd to. It's NOT the same as a "regular" headache.) I understand that the breakdown in your family has gone so far that several members are behaving badly. It's very possible that your H is the root cause of this dysfunction. But you can divorce him, you can't divorce your kids. How sad...it seems that today is a day of pain.
smile95 Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 this is off topic, but I have a question.....you said you do not need his cooperation to divorce? Is that true in all states and also if you are battling over $ and assets can the wife just make it happen and get a divorce and still get all she wants? Or in order to get what you want do you have to have the husband cooperate?
SoleMate Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Well...I am not a lawyer. I believe the law in all 50 United States basically says that one person cannot indefinitely delay a divorce (not since the advent of no-fault divorce). There are three kinds of divorce: 1) The good kind, where the (reasonable, rational) spouses make their own amicable custody arrangements, division of property, support agreements, etc., and them file them with the court. This is the quickest, cheapest way to divorce. Perhaps as little as $2,000 in toto. 2) The adversarial kind, where the spouses use lawyers at $350 an hour to battle over custody arrangements, division of property, support agreements, etc. 90-95% of these cases are settled before they get to trial. Count on $20,000 - $70,000. These can go on for years and when it comes to cost, the sky is the limit. The fight can go on until they end up in front of a judge, who will make all the decisions that the spouses were not able to reach on their own. 3) The "I can't hear you (humming loudly)" divorce, where one party is completely passive in the proceedings and does not hire a lawyer, respond to any summons or service of legal documents, or communicate in any way with the opposing spouse or opposing attorney. These divorces can still proceed, a bit slower than #1, but faster than #2. If the spouse with his/her (usually his) fingers in ears never responds, the judge will make a summary judgment, i.e. a final decision, same as in #2, but without the extreme legal costs or delays. This decision will tend to not favor the non-participating spouse, who never put their point of view in front of the judge. Sometimes people will say, "My spouse won't let me divorce". In the US, what this means is, "My spouse will not agree to the settlement terms I want, and I am not yet ready to risk going in front of a judge and let him decide on the settlement terms." To an outsider, this does indeed appear like a deadlock. However, in reality, it is not. You will sometimes hear a man say, "I can't divorce because my wife will take me to the cleaners." Translation: "I have decided not to divorce because then my wife would take 50% of our community property." Not sure about the law in the ROW, though.
smile95 Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 thanks that was helpful....you need a new career! My bf is #2 on your list and it has already taken 3 years and his pride is too high and his pockets too thick to give into what she wants. 3 freaking yrs! I would think if he wanted me he would pay any price, but I guess money matters more than me! They will not agree and go back and forth and the last time he got the info to look over with his lawyer, he sat on it. I finally told him that he must not be willing to let go of her in order to be with me. He also has a child involved. I understand that he prob s going thru a hard time, but he could have at least sat me down and said we needed to take a break until his issues end and I would have been fine. Instead, he decides to take breaks from me for months at a time until he thinks I have moved on and then calls me. He has no idea how to communicate and that is prob why she left him too!!!!thank you!
cowboyway Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Point blank you sound like your pretty heartless. People make mistakes that is part of life. The oath you took in marriage in sickness and in health, it sound like the poor guy is making the effort to change. Why dont you try counseling? I am thinking you are probably afraid to go due to what you might find out about yourself.
Author memomma Posted June 9, 2005 Author Posted June 9, 2005 Get a grip cowboy. You have NO IDEA the sessions I have had with numerous counselors during this marriage. I know a GREAT deal about myself and the most important thing I have learned is that crying doesn't fix anything......action that is directed from the heart is what is required to restore a marriage that has been broken. So.....thanks.......but no thanks for the comments. And yes......my heart has turned cold in this situation.....that's the reason I'm asking for a divorce. A loveless marriage is not my idea of happiness.
smile95 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 memomma-disregard cowboys comments. You know you have tried and it is HIS fault for not making an effort. Let him cry all he wants! Look at how many times you cried and he left you sit there! Hang in there and you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders!
cowboyway Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Yes I agree you guys are right. If it is a loveless marriage you should give up on it. I mean you probably never loved each other from the begining of the marriage right? The case you did how do you want your husband to change?
Author memomma Posted June 13, 2005 Author Posted June 13, 2005 Cowboy......not sure I understand your comments. I believe it is very seldom that people marry without being in love. Love can die though. You can have something that is very beautiful and vibrant but if it is neglected and not nourished....it will die. Think of a healthy plant. Same scenario......strong and fragrant to begin with. Plop it in a hole that is not properly tilled or fertilized, withhold water on a daily basis, never think about weeding it......basically ignore the plant. What happens? Dead plant. Neglect your spouse. Dead and loveless marriage. It happens.
blink Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 memomma, I can totally relate to your situation. I am going through the exact same thing with my husband. He does not want a divorce and is having a hard time accepting it. I told him I wanted a divorce on 1 Aug. We'll still living together. He refuses to move out to stay with his friends/family. I basically have no place to go with my daughter. What is sad here is that he uses our daughter as a bargaining chip to save the marriage. And I'm really upset with his strategies. Unfortunately, I have not officially file the divorce paper yet. My friends keep saying that I'm too soft on him. And I agreed to that. We have a mediation appointment in a month, so I plan to initiate the filing of paperwork. He is being so selfish and stubborn, and I can't believe he still has the nerve to ask me to take him back. Does he think I am stupid?
Lil Honey Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Cowboy......not sure I understand your comments. I believe it is very seldom that people marry without being in love. Love can die though. You can have something that is very beautiful and vibrant but if it is neglected and not nourished....it will die. Think of a healthy plant. Same scenario......strong and fragrant to begin with. Plop it in a hole that is not properly tilled or fertilized, withhold water on a daily basis, never think about weeding it......basically ignore the plant. What happens? Dead plant. Neglect your spouse. Dead and loveless marriage. It happens. An excellent analogy. BTW, has Cowboy ever been married? Just curious. I have felt exactly the same way, Memomma. I tried it Cowboy's way. I lived like your above expression for several years. I tried making it better. I waited patiently. I kept thinking that our situation was simply a "slump" and the it would get better. I came to realize that slumps don't go on year after year and enter into new decades. That is why I left afer 24 years. Some times you just have to do what you have to do, unpleasant as it may be. I was told once, when I was feeling that all too familiar guilty feeling, that while I was trying to stay and honor my vows, my husband wasn't honoring HIS by loving and cherishing me . . . just something to think about.
merrie Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Good for you, Lil Honey!! Glad to know I am not the only one ending a really long marraige (25 years here). When I was younger I used to think people who did this (ended long marraiges) were nuts, thought if you've lived with a spouse for so long there should be this acceptance of the situation, whatever it is. Now that I find myself at age 51, I just want to have a few good years where my mind finially gets off the hampster wheel of "he makes me so mad, it is so unfair, I should leave him..." - Merrie
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