Lifeissomething Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 So my ex-girlfriend dumped me in July 2015 after 15 months of dating. While we had problems (every relationship does) it absolutely floored me. Seriously, I went to her place to spend the night (her invitation)--ever brought laundry to do--one chat lead to another and I'm leaving her place for the last time ever.... Anyways, I've handled the breakup like a champ. I did NC, avoided her texts, and didn't speak to her aside from the post breakup chat 2 days later (her attempt to make me feel better, her words). I didn't beg, I didn't plea, I also didn't console her. She wasn't getting the best of my pride, even tho behind closed doors the tears were shed, booze was gulped, and I was (and still am sometimes) absolutely miserable. But I've done what you have to do...let time do its magic. The difficulty lies in: We work in the same office. I've had to see her 5 days a week for pretty much every week (holidays aside) since the breakup. This has been immensely difficult. We left the office as a couple on a Friday, and returned Single on a Monday. We literally were in a team meeting with 2 other people 4 days after the breakup...talk about torture... I treated her as if she was invisible--I told no friends, and I needed space--and only conversed politely when I HAD TO. But a few months ago she started getting all buddy, buddy with me, coming around my office, trying to talk to me etc...which was quite obviously (I was reserved) NOT what I wanted, I would be polite but distant. She just kept pushing, heck on my Birthday she bought me a cupcake and decorated the box with drawings and gave it to me in front of about 6 coworkers....I finally had to send her an email telling her to back off, and to leave me alone. Just to stop. She responded "I was just being nice, I thought we got to a place of being cordial etc..." I'm still really bitter and resentful about her and the breakup. She fed me a bunch of BS (it's not you it's me! I need help!--she was in tinder a month later), and in hindsight she wasn't that great of a GF. All this plays in my head when I see her. Forgiving is a best-case scenario, but I'll always hold some resentment towards her. Hell today I just went to get a coffee in the kitchen and she was all dolled up, straight hair, etc...instantly I'm like internally "it's friday, she's obviously going out after work (she only gets this dolled up for bdays, parties, events etc...), who's she seeing? etc...etc...then I remember how much I still miss her but dislike her at the same time...Stupid thoughts I know, but thoughts none less that I constantly have to deal with on a daily basis. For those of you that are pining over an ex heartbreak--I feel for you I really do--but imagine having to see them EVERY DAY in a professional setting!?!?!!!! Surely others have endured such hell. How did you handle it, if at all? I would love to hear others stories/experiences. For those that have been reading, thanks. Good luck to all of those recovering at the moment.
PegNosePete Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Tell her you're not interested in a friendship, and to only talk to you about work-related things. Tell her this every time she mentions anything non-work-related. Don't respond to her questions or comments, just tell her this every time. She will hopefully get the message. If not then you may need something stronger. But try this first. 1
healingsoul Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Hi! I am sorry for you in this situation. It is hard enough to break up and to be told a relationship is over but yours is so much more complicated that you work with your ex. Sometimes people are able to be friends after a break up but this usually happens when people are responsible and care enough about the person to do it in a way that is as gentle as possible. Some people recommend a "wait" time --up to a year before they see each other again or date another to not be on rebound, but your situation is not going to give you those options. You have a few good things going for you. The first is you found out that this person is not really the ideal person for you! So many people do find this out until they have invested so much more time and emotions. So since you know this be thankful and fully let her go by forgiving her. The thing is if you don't forgive a person it is like they are emotionally chained to you. And you definitely don't want to live that way. The other thing you need to try to do is to speak with her and let her know that it is completely over and that while you will be respectful to her at work and in work situations you don't want any non-work contact, gifts, etc. While you still may have some akward moments try to limit them by not hanging in a place that she might be (lunch room/ coffee area/ etc) until 6 month or so go by. That should be enough time to lessen the feelings. And realize you will always feel "something" in her presence because you did have a relationship together. Just focus on moving on to being past this relationship and making yourself the best person you can be for yourself and eventually another.
Author Lifeissomething Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Thanks for the responses. She's backed off since I last told her in December. We're now invisible to the other--the way I prefer it. By default I don't check her social media or any of those things. God I wish that was my hurdle, worrying about what she was doing and fighting desires to check social media. I have to count my blessings if I can go the day without seeing her or hearing her voice, Seriously, I suggest this to all: don't ever date someone you work with. The old adage "don't **** where you eat" is spot on. Other's experiences are always welcomed. Surely I can't be the only whose experienced such a hell. 1
Chi townD Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Yeah dude. Sorry, but this situation makes it harder to heal from a break up. You just need to focus on your work and ignore everything else around you. Avoid her as much as possible. Leave at a different time she leaves. Park as far away from her car as possible. Dude, just do NC and start making positive changes to your life.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Thanks for the responses. She's backed off since I last told her in December. We're now invisible to the other--the way I prefer it. By default I don't check her social media or any of those things. God I wish that was my hurdle, worrying about what she was doing and fighting desires to check social media. I have to count my blessings if I can go the day without seeing her or hearing her voice, Seriously, I suggest this to all: don't ever date someone you work with. The old adage "don't **** where you eat" is spot on. Other's experiences are always welcomed. Surely I can't be the only whose experienced such a hell. we need to 'pin' your thread because I reckon we get at least three threads a week, starting with: "There's this girl/guy I work with who's really nice...." I feel for you, but you are living testament to the adage you quoted. Thanks so much for posting. I sincerely wish you well, and hope your recovery continues to improve. I know it's hard, when you work together, but all I would say is that the Original NC Guide was written by a guy in exactly your position. To add... I love that she responded to your email with "I thought we had got to a place of being cordial..." It's not her place to decide where you are... that was just her relieving her guilt.... Good response by you.
Been Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 Same boat as you. Ignored her. She would try to say hi and I wouldn't say anything. Then she tries to corner me and have a discussion on why im acting like I am. I reply I'm not acting like anything. I do my job and that's all I'm expected to do and if it isn't job related she doesn't need to say anything to me. Then I walk away.
bluefeather Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 ugh! I have soo been there and it freaking SUCKS! I will tell you one thing that I probably would have told myself right after the breakup, going back to work... "Seriously forget about the girl and act like it was no big deal. Don't ignore her, but seriously act like it was not a big deal. AT ALL." Fake it till you make it. If she wants to be friends, just be like, "eh". Don't even go with "oh we shouldn't do this because it makes me feel uncomfortable." Because the goal is to not make it uncomfortable. It will be an acquaintance type of thing. Not friends at all. Just another employee that you don't really care for." --That's what I would tell myself. Oh and one more thing... you'll find someone WAAAY better. Not at work, though! Oh, here's another thing that might happen... don't be surprised if she comes back to you saying "I made a mistake can we try again..." Remember how you feel right now, and if that EVER happens, F-CKING RUN.
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