Having to "know"

[Got it]

And the "ghosting" is why I believe this has been hard for me ^^, cuz yes, in a normal instance where I broke up with someone (and/or someone let me know they aren't interested in me) and they are clear that it's over (and/or not interested) - regardless of them giving me a reason why - I have that closure needed and I move on, plain and simple - but that's not what's taking place in my particular circumstance.

 

I thank everyone for their responses

 

I agree with some here is that I probably am seeking "closure" from his end because I want to either: (1) Fix what's not working to get him closer to me; and, (2) Because I'm still interested.

 

But, while (1) and (2) may be true, I still want (3) - which is for "him" to declare it's over so I can have that "finality". Because I feel that the "ghosting/silence" is him trying to leave the door open and I need it closed so that "I" can move on.

 

Why do I say this? Because it isn't the first time that I've decided to ignore him and let it go. But what happens, he does "something" to get my attention and I feel like I have a chance again. It's hard cuz you guys aren't there when this happens, you only see what I post here and you guys are like "she's crazy" - and YES, this "is" a crazy thing. I'm going on 40 and this is the first time I've met such a dude and experienced such a situation and myself am trying to figure out how to handle all of this.

 

But, regardless, like many of your said/say - if this is causing me such hurt and all that it's up to me to "close" it and move on.

 

Again, thanks everyone

 

I'm gonna work harder on relying on "me" to give this closure and ignore any thing that may distract me from closing that door.

 

Why are you giving him the power/decision to decide if things are "ended" or not? Why not decide, that regardless of an attraction, he isn't worth this effort and you are not getting what you want/need to make this a pleasant/viable partnership? Life is too short for games and cutting bait is sometimes the best option.

 

I learned a long time ago closure doesn't come from another person. They can't answer all your questions, make you understand the whys, it comes from within and just letting go, not getting all the answers and knowing that is okay. Some times it is as simple as the other person just didn't see the value of the partnership the same way. And looking backwards just doesn't do any good.

[Rejected Rosebud]

In your situation Gloria where you are struggling with an obsession with a stranger, the way you will get closure is 100% within yourself and coming to terms with the reality of the situation. It's just about you and he is not a participant in it. You need to let go of this and that will be your closure. IMO it's a serious issue that you REALLY need to work on maybe with some professional help!! :bunny:

[jen1447]

I'm with Glo on this one but I think the discussion is pointless. There's the pro-closure and anti-closure camps and never the two shall meet. Just one of those things. Any 'talking' about it usually just results in the two camps talking around one another, meaning it ends up being not a discussion at all, just a shouting (or point/ignore/counterpount) match. :-/

 

Gloria, I don't know what's going on w/you specifically but if you're hurting over sth and lacking what it feels like you need in terms of resolution, I'm sorry.

[katiegrl]

There are no "tools".....So for example, what if a person tells you that they broke up with you because you are "too chatty"? Do you become someone that they feel they approve of, now that they have left you in the dust?

 

No way, Jose....

 

I guess some things like drug abuse or laziness, its probably a good idea to change those traits, because they are universally a negative..

 

Be yourself and realize that you are just not everyone's cup of tea....No one is...

 

Sorry and hope you find what fulfills you..

 

TFY

 

Exactly.... what turns one person off may be exactly what another person is looking for in a partner.

 

So no imo it is not necessary to share what turned you off. Personally, I don't need it, and if a guy were to ghost.....then clearly he is not interested, and THAT is my closure.

[LoverOfDance]

I don't know if you remember this but about a year or two ago, I made a post about how I was having difficulties accepting the fact that I had lost my Dad (he died 5 years ago). I was having difficulties letting him go and was also having difficulties letting go of this guy who I fell for (the guy who already has a partner).

 

You made a comment on my post although you might not remember. You mocked me and said that maybe I was having problems because my dad didn't give me enough hugs.

 

 

Strangely enough, I can actually relate to what you're experiencing with this guy who you're having difficulties letting go of. You and I are not all that different. The difference btw your situation and mine is that "my" guy and I are not strangers. We may not be close friends, but we are friends.

 

 

I'm not angry with you for the comment you made on my post. I forgave you even though you didn't see anything wrong in what you said. I think I probably understand what you're experiencing more than anyone on this thread.

 

 

I just want to give you this last piece of advice - remember that this man already has a woman. She is a woman just like you and has feelings just like you. Don't get in the middle of their relationship. Respect their relationship and RESPECT YOURSELF.

 

 

And you do deserve better, whether you believe it or not.

[pureinheart]

Why do we need "closure" so bad and why do some people refuse to give it?

Anyone care to share instance where they didn't get closure and how you dealt with it?

 

To me it's simple. Rejection and breaking up sucks. You don't do someone favors by ignoring them, ghosting, etc. If you tell them what didn't work, you give them the tools to improve themselves for their next RL and you also treat them with dignity and respect.

 

In some, if not most cases it's more about control than closure, and in fact closure isn't the endgame, but maintaining control of the person that left them/stayed.

 

For me, feel free to roll, I don't need to know why, when, how, etc- just go and you will never hear from me again.

Edited January 9, 2016 by pureinheart

[preraph]

Exactly. It's not often used as a way to better yourself for a future relationship, which admittedly would be a noble cause and a good gesture on the part of the dumper to give that information. Closure is used to figure out a way to say all the right things to get back into the relationship.

 

I don't think it helps anybody. The dumper is forced to kick someone while they're down, and the dumpee likely gets a false sense of hope that they can change the dumpers mind by doing all the right things.

 

And if you insist on the truth, yes, you might learn something, but you also might be getting bad information. One example. The guy I was in love with who wouldn't sleep with me but was always around for so long, when I pushed, told me he likes girls with bigger boobs and that he was "used to ballerinas." I'm not kidding, he really said that. And yet, he was always coming around and also would get jealous if I was with or flirting with someone. Well, 10 years later (he moved out of town) I was in his town. He was married and had a new baby. I contacted his wife and got together with them. So he finally told me what was really going on. He had erectile dysfunction from some molestation when he was young. He'd worked through it finally. Yes, he probably did like "big boobs" and "ballerinas," but that wasn't the real issue. So getting that info from him did nothing more for me than make me worry about my boobs.

[preraph]

I just want to add that if it is a real long-term mutual committed relationship, of course, you should have talked it to death before throwing in the towel. But in a real mutual relationship, you already know what the issues are. It's just can you live with them or not.

 

With dating relationships that really aren't committed and you don't know the person inside and out, it's unrealistic to expect them to spill their guts as they're fleeing when they weren't willing to let you know them well enough to already know why they're fleeing before. So even is you do get a face-to-face breakup or rejection, the chance you'll get the real reason is not at all likely. And if they did give the real reason (assuming they even know it themselves or that you're even important enough to them to have given it any real thought), it's probably the worst thing you need to hear. Because number 1, he's just one guy. Not all guys would have that issue. Sometimes it's more humane to give less info.

 

I have one breakup I feel guilty about. It was during a time when I was going out a lot and meeting lots of guys anyway. To begin with, unbeknownst to any of them, I had a massive crush on one guy who I only saw from time to time running into him out places -- and for sometimes years at a time he wasn't even in town. But that was where my priority was at that time. The honest truth is there wasn't anyone I wouldn't have taken a walk on if that guy was around and showed interest.

 

Then I saw other guys during that time. I really liked this one college guy and we long-distance dated for a few months. We were close, and many years later he'd tell me I inspired him to become a big radio executive. But he was in college and we weren't in the same town and eventually, he got another girlfriend and we stopped trying to contact each other.

 

Then I met this guy who was ready to go full-time right from the beginning. He's lost a lot of weight and was attractive for the first time in a long time. I liked him, but I wasn't falling for him. He wanted to be with me 24/7, which I'm really not into under the best of conditions. He would follow me into the bathroom and from room to room. That was the main thing I just couldn't handle, too much of a good thing.

 

Well, one day the college guy called after what had been a few months. And he wanted us to meet up. Well, of course, 24/7 guy is right there listening and I told him it was someone I used to date that I thought was gone, but now he's back. He got mad and left squealing tires and stayed gone forever. I feel bad about it.

 

But the point of the story is if he'd hung around and asked for closure why I was willing to throw him over for this guy and I'd told him the real reason: "Because I was just looking for an excuse to break up with you anyway because you're a nice guy but you follow me into the bathroom and won't let me out of your sight," which do you think would have left him feeling better in the long run? This way, he was able to be justifiably mad at me and it's all my fault and he can take himself and date the next woman, hopefully someone ready for a good full-time husband.

[lana-banana]

I agree with some here is that I probably am seeking "closure" from his end because I want to either: (1) Fix what's not working to get him closer to me; and, (2) Because I'm still interested.

 

It's great that you recognize this. You do clearly want him to be closer to you and you are still very, very interested. Say "I want him but I can't have him" ten times a day if you have to, with a special emphasis on the "I can't have him" part. He's not yours. He never has been.

 

But, while (1) and (2) may be true, I still want (3) - which is for "him" to declare it's over so I can have that "finality". Because I feel that the "ghosting/silence" is him trying to leave the door open and I need it closed so that "I" can move on.

 

How many times do we have to say this? He is married. He ignores you. He doesn't talk to you. This is entirely in your head. Your relationship, your connection, your need for closure---ALL of that is from your own imagination.

 

Why do I say this? Because it isn't the first time that I've decided to ignore him and let it go. But what happens, he does "something" to get my attention and I feel like I have a chance again. It's hard cuz you guys aren't there when this happens, you only see what I post here and you guys are like "she's crazy" -

 

Gloria, you have admitted he doesn't talk to you and ignores you when you're around. Everything you say about whatever "connection" you have or what things he's doing to get your attention are entirely your own invention. At one point you were suggesting he was somehow reading your posts on LoveShack and walking by with strategically placed items you would notice in order to get your attention. I'm not calling you crazy. I don't think you're a bad person. I just think you need serious, sustained professional help to get past this.

 

I'm gonna work harder on relying on "me" to give this closure and ignore any thing that may distract me from closing that door.

 

This is exactly what you need. Good luck.

[anika99]

Gloria he isn't going to tell you it's over because you are not in a relationship with him and you never have been. What exactly would be over?

[RedRobin]

To me, 'closure' is coming to terms with all of the issues that were there all along that I or we chose not to deal with.

 

It's been a long time since I had the rug pulled out from under me. In retrospect, the signs are always there. Most people aren't sociopaths. They try to tell you what they need, want, and are attracted to. If you forge ahead without paying heed, then the price you pay is getting closure on your own time. They likely tried to tell you many times already. I know I do. when I walk, it should be no surprise...

[whichwayisup]

Why do we need "closure" so bad and why do some people refuse to give it?

 

Anyone care to share instance where they didn't get closure and how you dealt with it?

 

To me it's simple. Rejection and breaking up sucks. You don't do someone favors by ignoring them, ghosting, etc. If you tell them what didn't work, you give them the tools to improve themselves for their next RL and you also treat them with dignity and respect.

 

Closure comes within. To expect someone to tie things up in a bow and give you (general you) closure is like chasing unicorns. It's setting oneself up for a big hurt.

 

Once there's a break up, some disappear as they just want to look after themselves and don't want to 'talk' it out after with their ex. Yes that's harsh but it's how many people cope. Nobody is obligated to give someone else closure, though sure at times it'd be nice but life doesn't work that way.

[whichwayisup]

In your situation, your own brain/head is your own worst enemy. And it's powerful! You have an unrequited love with for married neighbour (who has a child) and in your head created a romantic relationship that doesn't exist in reality. It's all fantasy and one sided.

 

Gloria, there is NO closure he can give you.

 

The closure you can give yourself is letting go of him and realize that you're wasting your precious heart and time on someone who was never yours to begin with.

 

I hope your NY resolution is to get over him, forget him and move on.