Gloria25 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Why do we need "closure" so bad and why do some people refuse to give it? Anyone care to share instance where they didn't get closure and how you dealt with it? To me it's simple. Rejection and breaking up sucks. You don't do someone favors by ignoring them, ghosting, etc. If you tell them what didn't work, you give them the tools to improve themselves for their next RL and you also treat them with dignity and respect.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Why do we need "closure" so bad and why do some people refuse to give it? Because it's not theirs to give. Every person must devise their own. It may be necessary to clear things with the ex- but the ex- is not responsible for giving closure. The 'Dumpee' is responsible for gaining it, for themselves. Anyone care to share instance where they didn't get closure and how you dealt with it? People don't get closure until they let go of the handle and let the door shut. To me it's simple. Rejection and breaking up sucks. You don't do someone favors by ignoring them, ghosting, etc. If you tell them what didn't work, you give them the tools to improve themselves for their next RL and you also treat them with dignity and respect. Not so. Time and time again it has been proven and shown on this website that those seeking closure - and gaining such an opportunity with an ex, have actually suffered more as a result. This is because the ex- didn't treat them well, gave them false hope, led them on, or projected the blame back onto them. Out of 100 threads, possibly 5 will speak of getting satisfactory closure by talking to an ex. The remainder lament the fact they even went there. It merely prompts more questions and creates further heartbreak. Dignity and Respect is gained by maintaining a dignified silence, and letting things move on. THAT'S 'Closure'. 10
stillafool Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Why do we need "closure" so bad and why do some people refuse to give it? Anyone care to share instance where they didn't get closure and how you dealt with it? To me it's simple. Rejection and breaking up sucks. You don't do someone favors by ignoring them, ghosting, etc. If you tell them what didn't work, you give them the tools to improve themselves for their next RL and you also treat them with dignity and respect. If they tell you what didn't work it is up to YOU to find the tools to improve yourself for your next relationship. You can do this through therapy, self help books, clergy, etc., but it isn't the ex's responsibility to heal you. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Why do we need "closure" so bad and why do some people refuse to give it? Anyone care to share instance where they didn't get closure and how you dealt with it? To me it's simple. Rejection and breaking up sucks. You don't do someone favors by ignoring them, ghosting, etc. If you tell them what didn't work, you give them the tools to improve themselves for their next RL and you also treat them with dignity and respect. There are no "tools".....So for example, what if a person tells you that they broke up with you because you are "too chatty"? Do you become someone that they feel they approve of, now that they have left you in the dust? No way, Jose.... I guess some things like drug abuse or laziness, its probably a good idea to change those traits, because they are universally a negative.. Be yourself and realize that you are just not everyone's cup of tea....No one is... Sorry and hope you find what fulfills you.. TFY 5
TheArtist Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 When I was last dumped I really wanted closure in the hope that it would make me feel better. I was ghosted so I wanted it extra badly. Now that I'm over it all, I really don't think it would have helped one bit. If you've been dumped you're already at your lowest point, so if your ex did tell you, 'Oh, it's because you have terrible breath, a hairy back, and you scream in your sleep', I don't think you'd feel a whole lot better. Just accept that you weren't compatible and that should be enough. 2
Author Gloria25 Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 When I was last dumped I really wanted closure in the hope that it would make me feel better. I was ghosted so I wanted it extra badly. Now that I'm over it all, I really don't think it would have helped one bit. If you've been dumped you're already at your lowest point, so if your ex did tell you, 'Oh, it's because you have terrible breath, a hairy back, and you scream in your sleep', I don't think you'd feel a whole lot better. Just accept that you weren't compatible and that should be enough. No, quite the contrary, it would make me feel better to know. It hurts more when you don't know. And, it's not that simple in my case. I think this is not an instance of lack of compatibility. Think of it as a part of your leg blown off. Without closure, it's like something is dangling there and as much as you don't want to amputate, amputation is the only way to go - a clean "cut". It's not that complicated. I've had guys say "not interested" and I'm done cuz they were CLEAR...they didn't waiver. That's all I want. I saw a Sex and the City where Berger that jerk broke up with Carrie on a "post-it" note that he left on her table the morning after he sneaked out after they had sex. I remember her swinging the vase with the flowers he got her and she just stood there in silence as the water dripped on the ground. Then, she went out on a rampage over and over on how a "post-it" was what he thought she deserved. And I agree, you don't diss people like that - especially if you wanna act like cared about him at some point. If you cared about them, you'd put on your big-boy pants and break up like an adult. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) ]No, quite the contrary, it would make me feel better to know. It hurts more when you don't know. And, it's not that simple in my case. I think this is not an instance of lack of compatibility. Think of it as a part of your leg blown off. Without closure, it's like something is dangling there and as much as you don't want to amputate, amputation is the only way to go - a clean "cut". Yes, but the Doctors will always leave the decision up to you. If you're in no position to make that decision, they'll do it for you, whether you like it or not. The decision to accept the amputation/break up - is yours. If you don't accept it, it will lead to complications. The decision to break up, whether you like it or not - is the dumper's. It's not that complicated. I've had guys say "not interested" and I'm done cuz they were CLEAR...they didn't waiver. That's all I want. ...And when somebody dumps you, it's because of what THEY want. They're done. It's up to the dumpee to accept that. QED, those who refuse to accept, are the ones who torture themselves over and over.... I saw a Sex and the City where Berger that jerk broke up with Carrie on a "post-it" note that he left on her table the morning after he sneaked out after they had sex. I remember her swinging the vase with the flowers he got her and she just stood there in silence as the water dripped on the ground. Then, she went out on a rampage over and over on how a "post-it" was what he thought she deserved. And I agree, you don't diss people like that - especially if you wanna act like cared about him at some point. If you cared about them, you'd put on your big-boy pants and break up like an adult. But more often than not, they don't. So it's up to "you" to put on your big-girl panties, rise above it, and react with the kind of dignity and self-respect warranted in such a situation. Count your blessings you dodged a bullet, his loss, move on. Edited January 8, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 2
LoverOfDance Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Hi Gloria, I've been reading your threads for a while now but decided not to say anything until now. I am assuming that you're talking about that same guy who is in a relationship with someone else and who you've been wondering for a while now whether he is interested or not. I just want to say this, sometimes we never get the closure want, no matter how desperately we want it. I believe your situation is very similar to mine. This guy and I met 5 years ago. At the moment he is in a 15 year long relationship. When we first met he gave signals and acted like he was interested but we never really spoke much. During my first few months of knowing him, I was unaware that he was with someone else so I let myself fall for him. When I found out about his relationship, I had already fallen head over heels for him even though we didn't talk that much. After a whole year of obsessing over him, I decided to confront him (face to face) and try to get some closure. I told him about my feelings hoping that doing so would somehow help me move on. I told him I didn't want him to do anything about it and that I just wanted closure. He thanked me for telling him and we never spoke about it again. He asked for my number and also gave me his. I deleted his number shortly after to avoid temptation. He never texted me either. He still gives his little signals whenever we see each other, which is not very often because I avoid him as much as I can. But nothing he does matters. Yes I still like him and maybe I always will but it doesn't matter. The point is that he is in a relationship and has chosen to stay with his partner. It doesn't matter how I feel. The signals he gives, they don't matter either. His actions tell me that he has made a choice and that choice is not me - this is all that matters. You just have to move on Gloria. Whatever it is that happened btw the two of you, you have to understand that it is all irrelevant. The reality is that he is not with you. He is with someone else and has chosen to be with her. Just leave him alone. That's all you need to do. No matter how you feel, just leave him be. The situation is not under your control. Leave it be and focus on things that you have control over. 1
preraph Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 As someone who's been there, I would just say that you don't seek closure because you want closure -- you seek it to see if you can find another opening that gives you a chance to recoup the relationship. It's just a way to hang on. 11
JustGettingBy Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Wanting 'closure' is both part of the human need for knowledge, self improvement and security. Humans by nature are inquisitive, and an answer grants us what we wanted with that, as well as either making us more secure or giving us an area in which to improve...or so we think. Without going into too much detail, my 'need' for 'closure' at one point on a near-relationship really highlighted some self-esteem issues I had, and was a symptom of what seems t have been a quarter-life crisis for me. 1
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 As someone who's been there, I would just say that you don't seek closure because you want closure -- you seek it to see if you can find another opening that gives you a chance to recoup the relationship. It's just a way to hang on. Exactly. It's not often used as a way to better yourself for a future relationship, which admittedly would be a noble cause and a good gesture on the part of the dumper to give that information. Closure is used to figure out a way to say all the right things to get back into the relationship. I don't think it helps anybody. The dumper is forced to kick someone while they're down, and the dumpee likely gets a false sense of hope that they can change the dumpers mind by doing all the right things. 3
spiderowl Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) I don't know about closure. It's important that things 'make sense'. In our primitive minds, scenarios (landscapes for example) that don't make sense - where we can't explain what is happening or why - are a potential threat to our lives. The brain is primed to pick up anomalies and assess them in case they are a potential danger. I know that things not making sense bothers me more than anything else. What helped me to get over someone whose behaviour didn't make sense, was to realise that some people are just cold and can switch loving feelings on and off at the drop of a hat. They can say one thing and do another. Someone like that doesn't make sense but nor are they a nice person. Whatever was going on in that person's mind, it was not good or they would not have behaved in that hurtful way. Basically, if you are hurting, then the person that is hurting you isn't worth your time. The right person won't do that. You are basically the victim of a mismatch, nothing more or less. Once you realise they are the wrong sort of person, then it is easy to let go. Edited January 8, 2016 by spiderowl 2
Emilia Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 It's not their responsibility to turn you into a 'better person'. Besides, who says that they are right? I haven't had a proper break up for probably like 10 years and I don't see the point. If we can't resolve our issues/don't get on/get bored/etc go on separate ways. Most people aren't qualified to give you a psychoanalysis. 2
spiderowl Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Gloria, if you are thinking of the guy you have posted about, he's not likely to give you closure, probably because he doesn't know you need it anyway. You don't need his 'permission' to give up on him. He is a waste of your time and while you focus on him you are missing out. Why give him all the power, the power to give you closure? Take it back yourself and decide you've had enough of waiting for him. He doesn't seem to be interested enough to make any serious moves and he's married. Quite honestly, your mind is doing you a disservice by keeping you focused on this guy. 1
MissBee Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I think it's the right thing to have a face to fave break up and not ghost on the person. In the face to face conversation there is room for some dialogue. But ultimately, if one person doesn't want the breakup it's more likely that closure will be a never ending search for ways to undo the end or hold on. Closure is truly yours to find. All your ex can do is say why they don't want to be together; yet, in my experience, both as someone who has had to break it off and the one who's been broken up with, if you don't want things to end, then it never feels like closure until you come to term with it yourself. So I agree that them being a decent human includes having a face to face break up and saying why they no longer want to be together. This isn't about telling you what's wrong with you. Someone can be a perfectly fine person, just not the person for you. Being broken up with isn't automatically a failure of character, it can also just be a matter of incompatibility and wanting something else. However, it's up to you to accept and respect their desire to end things and work through it in your mind. They can't make you feel okay about it or give you tools to be better or different. You will just have to grieve and let go slowly. 3
strawberryshortstack Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I have always had to create my own "closure" - even when getting an explanation from my ex - it was never good enough for so-called "closure". Closure is a myth. 6
Wewon Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Why do we need "closure" so bad and why do some people refuse to give it? Anyone care to share instance where they didn't get closure and how you dealt with it? To me it's simple. Rejection and breaking up sucks. You don't do someone favors by ignoring them, ghosting, etc. If you tell them what didn't work, you give them the tools to improve themselves for their next RL and you also treat them with dignity and respect. This is an interesting question. I'm posting a response before I read other responses. I think that closure is really about dealing with an "unfinished" relationship. People want the end to make sense or to at least follow some kind of internal logic that's consistent with the rest of the relationship. That's why things like ghosting and otherwise being duplicitous up until d-day is so cruel. I think that people avoid giving closure because they don't like emotional confrontations. Let's be honest, the person that wants closure rarely will do with a simple answer, there will be a series of 'whys' that will make someone uncomfortable.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 As someone who's been there, I would just say that you don't seek closure because you want closure -- you seek it to see if you can find another opening that gives you a chance to recoup the relationship. It's just a way to hang on. That's what I think too. It's just a way to try to stay connected with that person. If you get rejected or a relationship doesn't work out, there are probably two things - either you played your part so you KNOW what happened even if you don't want to admit it to yourself - or if you were rejected by somebody you liked but they didn't like you back ... well, that's the answer. They just weren't interested in you. You don't need to know anything more in order to help yourself because you were just being yourself. nothing wrong with that!!
BetrayedH Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I think in many cases the person being dumped didn't "get it" enough to keep the relationship together, so why would you try to explain it yet again? They're being dumped because they never got it in the first place. This guy has sent clear signals to you that he's not interested by virtue of not responding to your advances. You don't seem to get it and continue your pursuit anyway. Why would he think he should engage you further by discussing it? 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Gloria, I hope you're not smarting under the onslaught, but hopefully, you 'get' it.... Hugs..... 1
dichotomy Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) Its a difficult thing to have it all put on the table. I tend to be one of those who always wants to know it all - particularly the why's and whats in relationship. betrayals, and losses. I have had this long fantasy of having an oracle (crystal ball if you will) where I would just say "show me..tell me everything I want to know" However I have another trait that does not go well with this - I tend to take the others opinions (of me) to heart and that just drags me down to their view of me. It is only in the later part of my life that I have developed some minor ability to say "well that's your view" and try to break what they say - to see if there are bits of validity. Being able to maybe find a few points I might agree - with and work on in myself... and disregard the rest. My first wife cheated on me in a cruel and uncaring way. Never got a tear from her - apology, or explanation of why. However after she left I was able to piece together and kind of see her view of me. It was not pretty what I saw putting myself in her shoes...but ya know what?? The things she probably disliked and later resented about me - I was was ok with in myself. I remember the week I finally got over her and my depression over the end of the marriage (one year later) - it was embracing who I was and laughing about it. In fact on my dating profile after the divorce I specially listed some of my traits my ex wife grew to resent ! IDGAF - this is me. Edited January 9, 2016 by dichotomy
veggirl Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I wouldnt even know how to give someone closure and I don't understand, SPECIFICALLY, what people are looking for when they come on here wanting it from an ex. I'm sure when you broke up, the reason was given. No one owes it to the other person to re-hash it over and over again. Closure from an ex is a myth imo and usually just an excuse to get back in contact. I would imagine people seeking "closure" from an ex will spend that conversation trying to get the other person back. If I tell you, we broke up because I didn't like XYZ, that's it, isn't it? What is needed for closure beyond that? Specifically? 1
Wewon Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 If I tell you, we broke up because I didn't like XYZ, that's it, isn't it? What is needed for closure beyond that? Specifically? I assume that she's speaking of instances where this wasn't done, i.e. ghosting. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 When my ex left me I never really got 'closure' from him. I didn't know why he left me, he couldn't or wouldn't say any more than that he didn't feel we were working out, and he moved out that night. I honestly had no idea. I attempted to meet up with him shortly after to talk and he cancelled on me saying it was 'too soon' so I picked myself up and moved on. For me, closure was knowing he didn't want me anymore. That's all I needed to know. The 'why' someone leaves you is often pretty irrelevant. Whether it's because they fell out of love, met someone else, got bored, got busy at work, whatever it is, they have made the decision that their life would be better without you in it. That's all I needed to know. So I moved on. All of the talking in the world and trying to figure out reasons doesn't change the outcome. 4
Author Gloria25 Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 I assume that she's speaking of instances where this wasn't done, i.e. ghosting. And the "ghosting" is why I believe this has been hard for me ^^, cuz yes, in a normal instance where I broke up with someone (and/or someone let me know they aren't interested in me) and they are clear that it's over (and/or not interested) - regardless of them giving me a reason why - I have that closure needed and I move on, plain and simple - but that's not what's taking place in my particular circumstance. I thank everyone for their responses I agree with some here is that I probably am seeking "closure" from his end because I want to either: (1) Fix what's not working to get him closer to me; and, (2) Because I'm still interested. But, while (1) and (2) may be true, I still want (3) - which is for "him" to declare it's over so I can have that "finality". Because I feel that the "ghosting/silence" is him trying to leave the door open and I need it closed so that "I" can move on. Why do I say this? Because it isn't the first time that I've decided to ignore him and let it go. But what happens, he does "something" to get my attention and I feel like I have a chance again. It's hard cuz you guys aren't there when this happens, you only see what I post here and you guys are like "she's crazy" - and YES, this "is" a crazy thing. I'm going on 40 and this is the first time I've met such a dude and experienced such a situation and myself am trying to figure out how to handle all of this. But, regardless, like many of your said/say - if this is causing me such hurt and all that it's up to me to "close" it and move on. Again, thanks everyone I'm gonna work harder on relying on "me" to give this closure and ignore any thing that may distract me from closing that door.
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