em88 Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 its been 2 days of NC for me. ive been reading old posts and comments here about what everyone thinks about NC and their breakups, but i just have a question. it seems to me that its divided whether u should break NC or not. i read things like "if you know in your heart it can work out, then give it another shot" or "NC is only for people who know it is definatly over and want to move on" but i feel like there are so many things i need answered frm my exbf. so many things we have not communicated to each other and that if we talk it through, we may be able to find something. but i am not sure. and i dont want to ruin it by breaking NC. but yet, part of me just needs to talk it over, see if there is a chance in communicating to each other. argh i dont know. this is tough.
Israfil Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 I suppose it depends to a great degree on your situation: where you the dumper or dumpee? I recommend, no matter which one you are, that you maintain complete NC for at least a month, so that both you and he can gain a sense of perspective, and really evaluate what you want. 2 days is certainly not long enough to have gained any perspective at all. Be strong. You can do it.
Author em88 Posted June 4, 2005 Author Posted June 4, 2005 it went back and forth but eventually i was dumped. a month? but i honestly feel i cant move on without answers from him. and i know its prob wrong for me to feel this, but i just want to talk to him properly and calmly and hear each other out and see if there is any hope in salvaging anything. is it wrong of me to think like this?
Israfil Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by em88 a month? but i honestly feel i cant move on without answers from him. A month is nothing. Plus, believe me, if this was a serious relationship at all, you won’t be able to get over it and move on within a month anyway. and i know its prob wrong for me to feel this, but i just want to talk to him properly and calmly and hear each other out and see if there is any hope in salvaging anything. is it wrong of me to think like this? No, of course there is nothing wrong with feeling like this: most people, especially the dumpees, will feel like this. Its normal. But my hunch is that talking to him “properly and calmly” after only 2 days ain’t gonna happen. Sorry. If there is something to salvage now, that “something” will still be there in a month. My advice still stands. Good luck.
Author em88 Posted June 4, 2005 Author Posted June 4, 2005 thanks for your advice. god i know i am annoying, but are there instances where u really break up, but then get back together again? like is it really all about love and feelings and wanting to do it together? its just that we broke up before. but it was only for a day. and then we decided to make it work again becasue we still totally loved each other. this time we broke up it was pretty much the same reason, but we never worked to correct the problems because we werent communicating our problems to each other. he basically got fed up with trying but i need to talk it over. argh i sound so stupid and in denial. i know. but what do u think?
greenhorn Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 If you want to break NC for getting him back again then go ahead and do it. But if you want to break NC only to get some questions answered or for getting a closure then don't do it. Trust me a closure is not worth breaking the NC. I am doing NC for the past 6 months and I have tons and tons of questions to ask, those questions sometime gets me mad but still I don't think of breaking NC. The fall out of breaking NC will give me much more hurt and pain than the satisfaction of getting my questions answered. Some questions are best left unaswered. bye
dgiirl Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn If you want to break NC for getting him back again then go ahead and do it. Agreed. But only if you know exactly what caused the breakup, and if it's something you can fix. I would break NC just to tell him what you are willing to do to fix the relationship. But then that's all. After that NC. It leaves them with an impression of you knowing exactly what you're willing to do for the relationship, and that you're strong enough to let them leave if that's what they want. Breaking NC, you run the risk of losing face in front of them. Most people plead/cry/scream/beg when they break NC, and anyone leaving does not want to come back to someone with such low self-esteem. Some questions are best left unaswered. Some questions are best if you give yourself the answers. My stbxh gave me answers, and I went insane for a few months. I could not believe his truth, and needed to find answers to why he's giving me those answers. You dont really need to know why they are leaving. You just need to know how you could have made this relationship better for yourself. And that only comes from you.
Author em88 Posted June 4, 2005 Author Posted June 4, 2005 thank you. your advice really helped. Agreed. But only if you know exactly what caused the breakup, and if it's something you can fix. I would break NC just to tell him what you are willing to do to fix the relationship. But then that's all. After that NC. It leaves them with an impression of you knowing exactly what you're willing to do for the relationship, and that you're strong enough to let them leave if that's what they want. Breaking NC, you run the risk of losing face in front of them. Most people plead/cry/scream/beg when they break NC, and anyone leaving does not want to come back to someone with such low self-esteem. so basically, you are saying that as long as you know what needs to be said, you say it stongly and not beg/cry/plead its ok to do it? ive been doing NC for 2 days now, and i intend to call within the next few days. each day, it gets clearer in my head what went wrong and how we could fix it together. im just scared to do it beacuse i dont want to do it wrong and scare him away again. how do u suggest to approach it?
dgiirl Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by em88 so basically, you are saying that as long as you know what needs to be said, you say it stongly and not beg/cry/plead its ok to do it? ive been doing NC for 2 days now, and i intend to call within the next few days. each day, it gets clearer in my head what went wrong and how we could fix it together. im just scared to do it beacuse i dont want to do it wrong and scare him away again. how do u suggest to approach it? It's ok to do whatever _you_ choose to do. I had that feeling. I was waiting at home, scared to do anything. I was scared to say anything to him because I might lose him. The thing is, if I didnt say anything, i was definitely going to lose him. So I basically got up the courage and called him and asked if we could meet. I said everything that I needed to say. But you know what, it made no difference. He was still cruel. And he was cruel because I had hope that we could work on things. You're taking a BIG risk on breaking NC. But I have never regretted making that move because I put the ball right into his court. And everytime I want to break NC, I remind myself that I've already told him once, and he doesnt need to hear it a million times. I have absolutely no clue if NC works, or what the best method of fixing a relationship. You have to go with what feels right. But be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for your heart to break all over again. Maybe reading up on relationship self-help books might be in order before talking to him. Remember, this is what _I_ did, and I still dont have him. There's no right or wrong answers, it's what you can live with that matters.
Author em88 Posted June 5, 2005 Author Posted June 5, 2005 The thing is, if I didnt say anything, i was definitely going to lose him. This is exactly how i feel. which is why i want to break NC. just to feel better in my heart that i did everything i could have. So I basically got up the courage and called him and asked if we could meet. I said everything that I needed to say. But you know what, it made no difference. He was still cruel. And he was cruel because I had hope that we could work on things. You're taking a BIG risk on breaking NC. But I have never regretted making that move because I put the ball right into his court. i am planning on doing that too. talking about what i think we could change and how we could work on our relationsihp. so are u saying that i should just say what i want, hear what he has to say, but ultimatly put the descision in his hands but do it strongly? sorry, if u dont mind me asking, what happened with you guys? cuz with me, we had communication problems ( i only realize that now) and i was playing with him and taking him for granted. and he just had enough. i feel we werent able to really talk about it. and he wasnt able to tell me how he felt. then he just completely shut me off and refused to talk and just wants to forget me. is that wat happened with you? its ok if you dont want to answer taht one. **and how long did you wait untill you decided to break NC and talk to him and try and save it again? its been 3 days of NC for me..how much longer should i wait? again, thanks so much. your advice has really helped alot.
dgiirl Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 i am planning on doing that too. talking about what i think we could change and how we could work on our relationsihp. so are u saying that i should just say what i want, hear what he has to say, but ultimatly put the descision in his hands but do it strongly? Well, the decision is ultimately his. There's not much you can do to force him to stay. Trust me, if there was a way to force him to stay, i would have done it But yeah, why should you live with any regrets of not saying something. NC is for people who keep saying the same thing over and over again. Who wont accept that it's truely over, and wont move on. sorry, if u dont mind me asking, what happened with you guys? cuz with me, we had communication problems ( i only realize that now) and i was playing with him and taking him for granted. and he just had enough. i feel we werent able to really talk about it. and he wasnt able to tell me how he felt. then he just completely shut me off and refused to talk and just wants to forget me. is that wat happened with you? its ok if you dont want to answer taht one. I took my stbxh for granted, and didnt show apprecation for the things he did. I suffered from anxiety for most of this relationship, and very low self esteem. We lost our connection, I thought it was my fault all these years, and would ask him if everything was fine. He reassured me everything was ok, he understood. Not once did he ever tell me how he felt. Then on valentines he dropped the dbomb and left. His initial plan was to never speak to me again. I went crazy. I needed to talk to him, to figure things out, and so for the first week we still talked to each other. So much bad things on his side was said during that week. After about a month, I went to see a therapist, and started to realize some of my mistakes in the relationship. And I told my stbxh that I always appreciated everything he ever did, and that I never once was not proud to be his wife. And he turned around and said "You're only legally my wife, and soon you wont be". He needed to say that because I still had hope. Only now am I starting to realize (4 months later), that the reason why I did those things was because of him. The way he treated me, and the fact that he never stood up for himself, he basically allowed me to treat him that way. He also rejected all the good things I tried to do for him, so in the end, I did nothing for him. Any time I tried to take initiaition in the relationship, I got critized for it. He did everything in the relationship, because if I tried to get groceries, or pay bills, he always had a comment that it wasnt good enough. Instead of noticing what he did, I ended up with anxiety and basically couldnt do _anything_. So be careful when you start to blame yourself. If you did something specific, and you know you were wrong, then face up to it. But try to know why you did it in the first place. **and how long did you wait untill you decided to break NC and talk to him and try and save it again? its been 3 days of NC for me..how much longer should i wait? This is a personal choice. I didnt even know about NC before I started implementing it. It just felt natural. Every time I spoke to my stbxh I was in pain, and everytime I stayed away, I was getting happier. Remember, NC will not guarantee anything but a clearer mind. It will not bring your ex back, but neither will begging/pleading/crying/bribing
Author em88 Posted June 5, 2005 Author Posted June 5, 2005 thanks again for all your advice. its really helped. I thought it was my fault all these years, and would ask him if everything was fine. He reassured me everything was ok, he understood. Not once did he ever tell me how he felt. i guess this is sort of how it was with us. we never really talked about our relationship seriously and about what was not working for us or how we would fix it. and he is one to just let me make all the desicions, which in fact was making me take advantage of him. i took advantage of how he always let me get what i wanted and i guess it got to the point that he got tired of me telling him what to do. didnt even know about NC before I started implementing it. It just felt natural. Every time I spoke to my stbxh I was in pain, and everytime I stayed away, I was getting happier. actually, i meant--how long did you wait to talk to him to try and get him back after he left you? It will not bring your ex back, but neither will begging/pleading/crying/bribing did you do this too though? cuz the day we broke up i did this. and i know it just pushed him away. i was crying and asking for another chance, just blaming myself for everything that went wrong. now im just waiting for the right time to talk to him calmly and to have him talk too. im just scared to do it.
dgiirl Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by em88 i guess this is sort of how it was with us. we never really talked about our relationship seriously and about what was not working for us or how we would fix it. and he is one to just let me make all the desicions, which in fact was making me take advantage of him. i took advantage of how he always let me get what i wanted and i guess it got to the point that he got tired of me telling him what to do. This is something I had to learn. It's not your fault if he doesnt ask for what he wants/needs. He has only himself to blame. Its like if someone asks you what kind of ice cream you want, you say chocolate because you know the other person likes it. So you keep saying you want chocolate. Then years later you get mad at them saying they forced you to keep eating chocolate and then you leave them. It doesnt make sense. I know if he told me what he wanted, I would never have had a problem with doing something he'd like. And to be honest with you, I've done so much for him, it's unbelievable. No relationship is ever one sided. If you think hard enough, I'm sure there are plenty of things that you've done for him too. The emotions are still raw with you, but in time you'll think about what I said, and start to realize that you've done many things in this relationship that is good and other people will appreciate them You need to find a balance, and take some lessons away from this relationship. If you know you need to show more appreciation, then do it. This is something I've always had a hard time with in all my relationships. I also know I've had anxiety, and I come up with some pretty crazy thoughts. I'm challenging them, and asking more direct questions than I have in the past. But I also realize that I've got a lot of good traits. You cant beat yourself up over him not taking control over his own life. actually, i meant--how long did you wait to talk to him to try and get him back after he left you? I spoke with him almost every day the first week. At the time, I thought it was very productive, but right now I dont think it was. Then a month later, I had one final heart to heart talk with him. But honestly, you need to follow your own gut. There is no science that will predict the best method of them coming back to you. I know I wanted to make it happen, but it's not. Do a google search on 5 stages of grief. We ALL go through each stage, and switch back and forth. did you do this too though? cuz the day we broke up i did this. and i know it just pushed him away. i was crying and asking for another chance, just blaming myself for everything that went wrong. now im just waiting for the right time to talk to him calmly and to have him talk too. im just scared to do it. Everyone has gone through this. If you asked him for another chance, and you acknowledge the things you've done wrong in the relationship, then I dont think there's much else to say to him. Try and put yourself in his shoes. If it was you who wanted out, is there anything that would make you want to stay? If there's something you need to say to him, and you're not repeating yourself, then by all means do so. But be forewarned that he might not care, and he might respond with cruelty.
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