Chi townD Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm a bit confused and would like some help. I was seeing a guy for about a month - we hit it off extremely well on day 1; spent every day and every night together, his friends loved me, he would parade me around and introduce me as his girlfriend, met my family, spent christmas together at home, went on amazing dates, spent literally all day hanging out together, partying at night together. It was perfect. 4 weeks in, I went out one night to a friend's wedding party and one of my long time friends confessed that he still had feelings for me. By this point I was extremely drunk, and kept texting my BF to come over wanting to see him. Things escalated however, and I remember making out with this guy friend for no reason... Anyway we pull apart and I turn around only to find my BF having arrived, standing there watching me the whole time - his face in complete shock. Then he turned around and left. Needless to say, I chased after him, kept texting him but he refused to see me and broke up with me on the spot. I tried to mend things the day after explaining I was sorry, it was so out of character and that he meant nothing to me and we were so good together... but he said there was no way he would change his mind. He has lost all his trust in me. He said, let's just be friends I've moved on anyway plus I reconnected with my ex-girlfriend this morning. So I left it. The day after, he texted me as if nothing happened and asked me to meet him somewhere with his friends. I was a bit surprised given what he said before, but I did anyway. The minute we meet he was all affectionate again just like how we were when dating (even in front of all his friends!) who called me his GF etc. We were holding hands and cuddling and he would kiss me on the forehead... We then spent the night together and I thought all was forgiven and good again. Two days later he pulls away again and goes cold and barely even talks to me. Last night, he texts me to see how I am doing and then invites me to a few events on Facebook. There is either a guest list of 15~ people or he has invited me alone to join him for some other party. What is going on? I'm seriously confused since I still miss him so much but don't know what he's thinking. Has he seriously moved on and just wants to hang out as friends now? Or is there something I'm missing? This has all happened in the span of 1 week... so it's all a bit roller-coaster. Any advice would really help right now. Thanks everyone. Okay, let's break this down. You found an amazing guy that was proud to have you as his girlfriend. Took you on amazing dates. Treated you great, and you threw it away over a drunken mistake. And if it was a mistake, then okay. It was a mistake. But, that's a mistake you may have to live with because he doesn't have to. He's never going to get the image of you making out with that other guy out of his head. And the stats of a relationship surviving after a significant other actually witnesses their other half cheating. Well, those stats of survival aren't good. So, why was he lovey dovey a few days afterwards? All loving and affectionate? Well, there's this phenomenon called hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious, primal and animalistic response from him to "reclaim" what he believes is his. Nothing more than that. But, the reality of what happened between the two of you came crashing back to him and he backed off again. Sorry to say this, but I think you're going to have to let him go. He's never going to get that image out of his head. And I think it's best to cut ties before you two get anymore emotionally invested in each other. I know that this is probably not what you want to hear. But, you made a choice when you made out with that other dude. Your (Ex) boyfriend is in the drivers seat as far as where this relationship goes. But, don't let him string you along with false hope.
Lifeissomething Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I will admit that my post perhaps came off as stern, but I who benefits from BSing her and sugarcoating her actions? No one. I haven't gotten the sense that anyone is committing the part whole fallacy (judging her entirely based on this action), but it is worth noting that OP doesn't exactly deserve consoling. Again, I don't think anyone can say she's a bad person (we don't know her!), but we aren't acting in the wrong for calling a spade a spade. Cheating is deplorable. I'm curious, and I do think it's worth asking: OP had your ex-bf had NOT been privy to witness you making out with another guy (god that sounds like hell), would you have told him? Anyways, this situation is a bust. End it or let him do so and move on.
fireflywy Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I guess I asked if you were official because if you have only been dating a month, maybe neither of your boundaries were cemented yet and possibly in the developing stage but still flexible. *shrug* 1
lollipopspot Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 You were only dating a month. Was there any talk about being exclusive? If not, and after only one month, I'm not sure that you did anything so wrong. 1
Author problem101 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Thanks again everyone - I am aware that I did a really ****ty thing so I fully understand if some of you are bashing. For those of you who have been supportive, I've actually spent the last few days reflecting on the whole thing as well. To start off, we made it explicitly official and exclusive one month ago. We started seeing each other around 2 months ago. So two things come to mind. Firstly, my relationship history isn't great. I've always either been cheated on repeatedly by the same guy (and always gave him another chance), or been dumped for various silly reasons, or received the fade-out etc. This has been going on for the last 6-7 years without one good relationship in between. I think my mindset has been accustomed to this kind of "pain" and so when something this good comes into my life I naturally expect it to end abruptly, or I do so subconsciously anyway. Not that I walk around perpetually miserable and depressed over this - in fact I come across as extremely confident, jovial and happy-go-lucky. Secondly, and to also support this argument, we did have a slightly rocky start in that he was still in touch with his ex. Unfortunately we never discussed this topic after making it official, so no boundaries were set, plus I wanted us to progress naturally and I thought he would come to if he really was into me. About a few days before the incident, we had a bit of a fight when I saw his messages (he is very open with his phone and we were reading this together) and that he replied his ex's texts offering to Skype her after he inadvertently ignored her over the Christmas period because he was too busy with me... At the time I gave him some ****, walked away to cool off then came back to him and just let it slide. The next day he admitted that he thought properly about what I said and finally told her to stop contacting him so that he could give us a proper try. I acted pleased at the time, but my real response was probably indifferent. Two days later, the incident happens. Perhaps my real question now is whether he is truly choosing not to forgive me because he is so hurt, or because he has decided to go back to his ex anyway?
Chi townD Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 You comparing him having contact with an Ex to you being sexual with someone else that was witnessed by him is like comparing apples to oranges. When he was in contact with his Ex, he wasn't being evasive or secretive about it. Because he had nothing to hide. Therefore, I think that this contact was innocent. Some people are capable of being friends with their Ex's and have no other intention other than friendship. And it's not like they were going to meet up in secret. They were going to have a Skype conversation. And he was completely open and honest with you. He was an open book. You begged him to come to the wedding reception and when he finally did, he walks into you making out with another guy. He may have felt like he was being set up or punished. Sorry girl, but you were wrong. And an innocent Skype conversation with is Ex that never happened isn't going to justify your behavior. You need to own it.
Been Posted January 13, 2016 Posted January 13, 2016 You can't fix what you did right now-wound is too fresh. Learn from it. You wanted him to come to the wedding so you wouldn't kiss that guy. Sorry but you can't be trusted.
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