problem101 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm a bit confused and would like some help. I was seeing a guy for about a month - we hit it off extremely well on day 1; spent every day and every night together, his friends loved me, he would parade me around and introduce me as his girlfriend, met my family, spent christmas together at home, went on amazing dates, spent literally all day hanging out together, partying at night together. It was perfect. 4 weeks in, I went out one night to a friend's wedding party and one of my long time friends confessed that he still had feelings for me. By this point I was extremely drunk, and kept texting my BF to come over wanting to see him. Things escalated however, and I remember making out with this guy friend for no reason... Anyway we pull apart and I turn around only to find my BF having arrived, standing there watching me the whole time - his face in complete shock. Then he turned around and left. Needless to say, I chased after him, kept texting him but he refused to see me and broke up with me on the spot. I tried to mend things the day after explaining I was sorry, it was so out of character and that he meant nothing to me and we were so good together... but he said there was no way he would change his mind. He has lost all his trust in me. He said, let's just be friends I've moved on anyway plus I reconnected with my ex-girlfriend this morning. So I left it. The day after, he texted me as if nothing happened and asked me to meet him somewhere with his friends. I was a bit surprised given what he said before, but I did anyway. The minute we meet he was all affectionate again just like how we were when dating (even in front of all his friends!) who called me his GF etc. We were holding hands and cuddling and he would kiss me on the forehead... We then spent the night together and I thought all was forgiven and good again. Two days later he pulls away again and goes cold and barely even talks to me. Last night, he texts me to see how I am doing and then invites me to a few events on Facebook. There is either a guest list of 15~ people or he has invited me alone to join him for some other party. What is going on? I'm seriously confused since I still miss him so much but don't know what he's thinking. Has he seriously moved on and just wants to hang out as friends now? Or is there something I'm missing? This has all happened in the span of 1 week... so it's all a bit roller-coaster. Any advice would really help right now. Thanks everyone.
NoLeafClover Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Backbone out the window ..for both of you. He is dumb to take you back and..you cheated on your bf while he witnessed everything. One day you will get older and realize life is too short to create such drama. If you are drunk and.over another guy you shouldn't be with that guy. Drinking and cheating is not an excuse. People go to jail for rape if the girl is drunk and the guy has sex with her even if she's willing. 2
lollipopspot Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 People go to jail for rape if the girl is drunk and the guy has sex with her even if she's willing. No they don't. If she's willing, she doesn't go to the police for rape. If she's incapacitated, then she was actually raped. Same for a guy.
Qboro90 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 There are 3.options between what your BF is doing. 1. He really has no backbone or self respect and hold you in such high regard that even though you cheated on him in front of his face and/or amongst friends .. He doesn't have the guts to make you face the consequences for what you did. Which is strange because of his initial reaction after he saw it. 2. It's possible that Maybe his friends had planned getting together that day before you cheated and he told them you both were going, yet he didn't want to have to tell them that he wasn't going, or that you weren't coming... And have to explain why. If you don't go then you know they're gonna ask where you are... So maybe he didn't want have to explain that he caugh you cheating, and it was easier to play BF/gf for one more day until he could figure out a way to cope with things and inform them in a less intimidating situation. 3. He's going to text you and hang out with u when he feels like it and wants to have a gf for the night. Then the next day he'll disappear and leave you wondering. He has the ammunition needed to do this and you really have nothing to say that would make him stop because you're the one who cheated. It's not the nicest thing to do but then again you don't exactly deserve him being nice to you. You'll bring it up and wanna know where you stand, he'll say "I just can't trust you right now and need time". You'll hang around and be there bc you still care for him. But it's never gonna be like it was. That's something you have to realize. And perhaps more importantly, you have to come to terms with knowing that he has every right not to take you back or give you another chance. I don't doubt that this was out of character for you and just a mental lapse you regret more than anything. But we are defined by the choices we make in life and you made this choice on your own so now you need to deal with the ramifications. You could be the best person in the world. But one split decision mistake like if you went out drinking then got in your car bc you were only 5 minutes from home and end up hitting someone crossing the street and killing them. That's a decision that unfortunately you can't undo. Just like you can't undo the image in his head of you kissing another guy. I think you need to take this as a lesson that tells you a little about yourself. Obviously now you know that when you drink, you aren't the same moral person. And you Also know now that "he's just a friend" guys that you've know for a while .... Aren't just friends.. Even if you think so... The first chance you are vulnerable they will seize the opportunity to exploit it. Which is what this guy did to you. You're at fault for putting yourself in the situation and allowing him to feel comfortable enough to confess his feelings for you and then to kiss you. 2
NoLeafClover Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) No they don't. If she's willing, she doesn't go to the police for rape. If she's incapacitated, then she was actually raped. Same for a guy. She doesn't have to be incapacitated to be considered drunk. She was drunk to make out with another dude , how drunk? It doesn't matter. Drunk enough to do something she regrets later. She could have had sex with the guy and claim she would never when sober. That is non consensual and is considered rape. Unless she's sober then it's fair game. If she has alcohol in her and claims to have had sex without consent the next morning, you are in for a court hearing. Don't think he/she would have to be laying and crawling on the floor for you to be indicted. If you're in school read the code otherwise be an R.A or housing staff @ a university or take T.I.Ps training and see much alcohol you need to have in you before you say you were raped. Edited January 8, 2016 by NoLeafClover
lollipopspot Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Drunk enough to do something she regrets later. If you're seriously going to veer into women "regretting" sex and trying to prosecute for rape territory, I need to point out how vastly much more likely it is that men actually rape (and it's never even reported). The overwhelming likelihood for someone being accused of rape is that they are indeed a rapist. I guess people need to make sure they actually have a willing partner, and I fail to see why that should be so challenging. I don't even know why you brought this into the conversation. She didn't say she was raped or unwilling. 3
Qboro90 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 She doesn't have to be incapacitated to be considered drunk. She was drunk to make out with another dude , how drunk? It doesn't matter. Drunk enough to do something she regrets later. She could have had sex with the guy and claim she would never when sober. That is non consensual and is considered rape. Unless she's sober then it's fair game. If she has alcohol in her and claims to have had sex without consent the next morning, you are in for a court hearing. Don't think he/she would have to be laying and crawling on the floor for you to be indicted. If you're in school read the code otherwise be an R.A or housing staff @ a university or take T.I.Ps training and see much alcohol you need to have in you before you say you were raped. Dude, if you run into a girl who is this much of a psycho then you're screwed either way. If he really wanted to cover his ass, then he can do it while his roommates are in the room so they can vouch for the fact that he didn't force her and she was a willing participant. This happened to a buddy of mine my sophomore year. Slept with this chick after a night out. She got mad that he didn't call her or wanna see her again and found out he was hooking up with another girl so she said he assaulted and forced her. Had it not been for his roommate being in the room when it went on giving his statement that it was consensual, then she would have ruined his life because she felt scorned. While this is more common then it should be, it's also not the norm and as long as you don't actually force, leave marks, etc, then typically the allegation doesn't hold water in today's culture where we are more aware of false accusations. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I think he's either still in shock/denial about your cheating, and conflicted inside himself...or, you're going to be placed firmly in FWB/pseudo-girlfriend-when-its-convenient-for-him territory. To be honest, I don't think this is going to work out. He's obviously hurt and the trust is badly damaged, 6
Friskyone4u Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 From what he saw, he knows if he had not shown up you would have been having sex with this other guy. He saw it with his own eyes, so why would he want to continue exclusively with you????? What happens next time you have a few drinks without him around?? That is what he is thinking. I would not count on any long term future with him, and learn your lesson. If you are in a serious relationship with one man you do not use alcohol as a reason to make out with another one. Either just date around and get drunk and do what you want or date one guy and don't get drunk when he is not around. You have a little boundary problem and you need to figure out why you did what you did. Plenty of people get drunk and do not cheat. 2
marky00 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Hmmm This is silly !!!! From a guy's perspective.... IF HE LOVED YOU.... HE WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU OFF... EXPECTED YOU TO APOLOGIZE AND GROVEL....AND THEN HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOU BACK. At 1 month in.... there probably wasn't enough foundation and love to weather such an event. He didnt love you enough or wasn't invested enough so could use his head not his heart. You may be able to turn things around but since he knows he has the power now since you have been chasing.... its goona be a long road till you get back on equal footing. You best bet is to maybe just simple apologise (not grovel) saying it was out of character (i hope thats true !!!!) and then act prideful and wish him the best.. walk away..... Then you take your power back and leave it to the gods. His ego will get dented if you do it that way and if he does have feelings for you.... he will have to drop his prideful act and be more honest about the whole thing. Edited January 8, 2016 by marky00 1
jen1447 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 By this point I was extremely drunk Yet another account where "I was drunk" didn't end up with "and everything worked out great." This may be oversimplifying the issue but if you're the type who gets into trouble when over-drinking, don't over-drink. Seriously. If you want to avoid this sort of drama in the future, don't get drunk. 7
PathToExile Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I think he's either still in shock/denial about your cheating, and conflicted inside himself...or, you're going to be placed firmly in FWB/pseudo-girlfriend-when-its-convenient-for-him territory. To be honest, I don't think this is going to work out. He's obviously hurt and the trust is badly damaged, This 100%. How do I know? I did the exact same thing to my EX when I caught her in her drunken stupors, IE trying to kiss my friend when I was there, and discovering her little emotional love affair when she was in South America. Both events were 6 months apart, we'd been dating for 1.5 years at the end of it. After swearing she wouldn't do it again... she did. For approximately 2 months after I found out, I was 'flip-flopping' in the relationship. I was there for an affection that I loved, but was out of it knowing I couldn't trust her. I cut her off completely a week ago thanks to LS, otherwise I'd get sucked back into that nightmare of mistrust. It just means he genuinely cared for you, perhaps loved you, and he's limping in pain, wondering what he did to deserve your horrible behaviour. By the way, my ex did a lot of stupid stuff when she was drunk, and always blamed it on that. I stupidly stuck with her after she swore off drinking, but then she kept going back to it. Are you going to be like my ex? Possibly losing a partner who loves you for life? Beauty disappears with time, character is forever. Straighten yourself out.
Woggle Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Maybe you didn't mean to cheat but if you get so drunk you lose control of your actions then that in and of itself is an issue. I had a fully stocked bar in my old house and still never cheated.
Whisky1981 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Alcohol is never the reason. You are the reason. I would have done the same thing as your boyfriend did. Move on and find somebody else. And don't get drunk again, with the coming of age guys won't simply kiss you. Learn the lesson. 1
Wewon Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I think he's either still in shock/denial about your cheating, and conflicted inside himself...or, you're going to be placed firmly in FWB/pseudo-girlfriend-when-its-convenient-for-him territory. To be honest, I don't think this is going to work out. He's obviously hurt and the trust is badly damaged, I agree with this, depending on how much experience he has with dating. If he's fairly naive or wet behind the ears, he may be very conflicted and trying to rationalize things. Unfortunately you will likely start losing respect for him as this all sinks in for you. If he's been around the block he may see you as the proverbial bird in the hand, if that's the case, don't expect to see the best side of this boyfriend, he's going to give you whatever he has left over.
DrMario Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Sounds like he's torn, on one hand he wants to be with you and have the good times that you was having, on the other hand he saw you kissing another man in front of him, as somebody who's witnessed the exact same in my time on the dating scene, I can only tell you that it's eating him up inside, I don't know how to guide you, if you stick with him, you'll both have to live with a tainted memory from the beginning of your time together and that ain't easy, I've been there, it almost broke one of my best relationships at times, be wise before proceeding on this one. 3
katiegrl Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I think he's either still in shock/denial about your cheating, and conflicted inside himself...or, you're going to be placed firmly in FWB/pseudo-girlfriend-when-its-convenient-for-him territory. To be honest, I don't think this is going to work out. He's obviously hurt and the trust is badly damaged, I vote for this (bolded) is exactly what he's doing.... When I first read the OP.... it was clear as day to me. After witnessing what he did.... the trust has been broken.... and you have now been relegated to FWB...or worse FB. May as well just move on and lesson learned. Edited January 9, 2016 by katiegrl
Draper Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) Maybe I can give you some perspective on this. I was in your BF's shoes in that my ex kissed some dude when she was drinking at the bar. I didn't witness it and in fact I didn't even find out about it for some time after. Anyway, I did find out eventually. At the time, I was in a really bad spot - I relied too much on her for my own happiness and hence after she balled and cried about how it was 2 second mistake and all the usual crap, I took her back. What I'm trying to say is that it's clear your BF has at least some self-respect and I have to agree with the others about him perhaps trying to set up a 'convenient for him' thing because nobody who respects and values themselves will do what I did, as they will know that they don't deserve to be treated that way. I really think you need to take a look at yourself and ask some tough questions though - is this really a random, one-time thing? Let's say he did take you back, how realistic is it that this won't happen again? I ask because a few months after I took her back, that ex left for the same dude she 'made a 2 second mistake' with at the bar. I understand people make mistakes and if thats what this is then by all means try to get him back (although like I said, it sounds like he has some self-respect), but for the love of god don't hurt the man more than he already has been. Edited January 9, 2016 by Draper 3
Author problem101 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 OP here, thanks everyone for the replies - it's always so great to see this community in action where strangers will dole out such thoughtful advice and support to another stranger in need for nothing in return... Thanks so much again. A week has passed since my last update and I guess we've both been trying to calm things off. Come Friday however, we ended up hanging out together again (with a few mutual friends) and towards the end of the night he asked if I wanted to stay over at his. I've actually been to his place a few times since the incident but we always end up cuddling in bed and falling asleep in each other's arms. He would always initiate it and we'd get very close as in our faces and lips would touch but the crazy thing is that he would never actually kiss me. He has also never tried to have sex with me since the incident. So while the downgrading-to-FWB argument is valid, it hasn't actually happened at all. Or maybe it hasn't happened yet? Anyway, Sunday night we were talking and cuddling again although he was at my place this time. Throughout the night, I would catch him looking at me and not say anything with this look in his eyes... Just before we fall asleep, however he finally said you know I really want to kiss you, I always want to kiss you when we're together but I just don't want to lead you on... which is confusing to me. Perhaps he doesn't want to lead himself on? He is a really good guy with a kind heart (they actually exist!) but do you think it's crazy of us to carry on like this? Perhaps with time he will forgive me? I can't deny that we have insane chemistry and attraction for each other and there's no hiding from it. I think we've both been trying to fight it, or perhaps him more than me, but when we see each other again the pull is just far too strong. I know it's only been a month and some of you are telling me to man up and move on - but I've probably never come across this in my life I don't really want to just give it up. I've dated numerous times and have had many short and long term relationships but this time it just feels so different... if I wasn't this serious I wouldn't even bother writing about it. What should I do? I want to fix it... There must be a way.
PathToExile Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 OP here, thanks everyone for the replies - it's always so great to see this community in action where strangers will dole out such thoughtful advice and support to another stranger in need for nothing in return... Thanks so much again. A week has passed since my last update and I guess we've both been trying to calm things off. Come Friday however, we ended up hanging out together again (with a few mutual friends) and towards the end of the night he asked if I wanted to stay over at his. I've actually been to his place a few times since the incident but we always end up cuddling in bed and falling asleep in each other's arms. He would always initiate it and we'd get very close as in our faces and lips would touch but the crazy thing is that he would never actually kiss me. He has also never tried to have sex with me since the incident. So while the downgrading-to-FWB argument is valid, it hasn't actually happened at all. Or maybe it hasn't happened yet? Anyway, Sunday night we were talking and cuddling again although he was at my place this time. Throughout the night, I would catch him looking at me and not say anything with this look in his eyes... Just before we fall asleep, however he finally said you know I really want to kiss you, I always want to kiss you when we're together but I just don't want to lead you on... which is confusing to me. Perhaps he doesn't want to lead himself on? He is a really good guy with a kind heart (they actually exist!) but do you think it's crazy of us to carry on like this? Perhaps with time he will forgive me? I can't deny that we have insane chemistry and attraction for each other and there's no hiding from it. I think we've both been trying to fight it, or perhaps him more than me, but when we see each other again the pull is just far too strong. I know it's only been a month and some of you are telling me to man up and move on - but I've probably never come across this in my life I don't really want to just give it up. I've dated numerous times and have had many short and long term relationships but this time it just feels so different... if I wasn't this serious I wouldn't even bother writing about it. What should I do? I want to fix it... There must be a way. Just give up. If he really is the great guy with amazing attraction and connections, then you wouldn't have kissed another guy. Don't taint this man and make him suffer with your immaturity. Take this as a learning opportunity and never do it again with future men. I wish my EX took this advice before being with me for 1.5 years. Her words of love were outweighed by her selfish actions.
Author problem101 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Not anymore. He broke up with me on day 1 and has since refused to get back together officially.
kgcolonel Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 OP....The only thing i can do in response to your question is to put myself in his shoes. I would not feel safe emotionally with you following this "kiss". How is he to know that this is all that happened or that was going to happen. To me, your chance is in the form of direct conversation....What do you need from me to feel safe in a relationship with me. I am very sorry for my mistake, here is what i am doing to ensure it will never happen again, I want to make you feel safe and secure with me and I am totally committed to you. Ask him to think about it and give him some examples of what you are doing to show true remorse and steps you have already taken to ensure this never happens again i.e. stop drinking (it sounds as if that was a catalyst but I am not too sure it really was ). You also need to do some serious soul searching to understand even drunk why you did this instead of calling him asking him to come pick you up and to jump him instead of the indiscretion at the bar. Better fully understand this before you approach the BF.
Lifeissomething Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Just move on and forget about him. You made a huge mistake, and don't deserve anything better than than him leaving your sorry butt. I'm sorry that's harsh, but it's the truth. Cheaters don't deserve respect in regards to the cheating situation. He could be demoting you, using you, conflicted, struggling to make sense...etc....but do him a favor and let him find someone better than you. Learn that we're held accountable for our actions; there's consequences. No one deserves to stay with a cheater. Your actions paint you as the equivalent of bacteria at the bottom of the piss bucket, in this relationship. Learn from your mistake and find a relationship that doesn't have this baggage or horrible memory, and let him do the same. Again, I'm not saying your a bad person as a whole, but you did a horrible thing. You can hopefully learn from this and NOT make the same mistake ever again. First step: It wasn't the booze, it was you--it helps when we can acknowledge our mistakes. Good luck.
frigginlost Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Wow... just wow! Give the girl a damn break. Some of you sure like to polish the glass houses you live in at the expense of others... OP, What you did was wrong. No doubt about it. The question is, what did you learn about yourself regarding it? Try to stop thinking about him right now, and dig into yourself. Root out why you did what you did. I have been cheated on (full blown sex, not just kissing some dude while drunk) and while it destroyed me, it gave me time to look within' me. Your guy is probably all over the place with his emotions and it's going to be that way for a while. The best you can do, is follow his lead, but do not become a place for him to just lay his head. "Leading you on" is not a very good statement coming from him. He either wants you to fight for him, or he is setting you up. Don't play that game either way. You have apologized to him and he knows where you stand. Now just work on yourself, and find out within' you why you did it.
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