LA Luv Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Hi all, I have not visited this forum for years. I recently signed on to get some advice from ya'll. My situation is this, I have been dating a guy for almost 4 months now. Early on we got very intimate (sex) and have been having a really great time every since. We did meet online, and from the 1st time we became very intimate, he volunteered to me that he is a simple guy that only dates & is intimate with one woman at a time. I did not push for this, but rather he volunteered it. I however, continued to date other men for the first 2 months of our seeing each other, as we were both on the dating site still. When I discovered he had removed his profile, and that I was really beginning to like him, I ditched the other guy. We never discussed my dating, but he wasn't asking me to become his girlfriend. I brought up the "talk" at that time around 2 months, as I new I was letting go of someone else, so I asked him again if he still considered me the only girl he was dating & sleeping with, and he said yes. I asked him if this meant to him, that we were in a relationship, and he said no. He said he did want to have a relationship with someone in the future, but what with having some past hurtful stuff, (wife who left him for another man several years back, and GF of 3 yrs left him 1 year ago) he was going to be a bit slower in pulling a bit commitment. It was actually a nice talk, and I got it, and after all, it was only a couple months. Well, a couple weeks ago (about 3 month mark) I started to notice his phone being really active with a few girls texting him & calling him very regularly. These are not women I ever heard him speak to me about. Now I am not the girl to go through a guys phone, but when we are out together, or sitting in one another lap & watching movies, and his phone goes off (say early night time), I can't help but glance at it when its right in front of me....Same 2 girls or so, consistently, and they seem to have a very comfortable relationship with him, and expectations of him calling them back...and can also tell by the little bits I've seen, that he has been calling them too. There have also been a few other weird little things (that I won't get into here) that kind of set off a few bells & whistles with me.... Finally when this started to make me really uncomfortable, I talked to him about it. He said he has always had a lot of female friends in his life, and they were just friends from around him apartment complex, work, etc. I asked him point blank if these women knew he was dating someone, to which he replied, "I don't let everyone in on every intimate detail of my life." and then I asked him if he was good friends with these women, could I ever anticipate meeting them? And he basically gave me no response, and a kind of irritated look. I said, listen I understand you may not be ready to call me your GF right now, but I won't stand for a situation in which I feel like I am effectively being "Hidden". I also said that as far as I'm concerned, if he felt he still needed to spend a lot of time in any respect with these random women, I think all things considered, I'd guess we are just "casually dating". He said, "I don't look at it like that at all!" He says he is invested in us, and just is used to taking things slower. He does say he's unsure if he ever wants to get married again (might be OK with me, I'm not sure either & I def don't want kids). He has a son from his previous marriage which he took some time to introduce me to. I was totally respectful of that, and always am with his alone time with his son. I was so happy when he finally introduced me to him. We've spent a little time together the 3 of us now, but one such time when we were all watching a movie together, these girls were blowing up his phone! I'm just unsure how long is appropriate to wait to expect this guy to move from Sexual monogamy (we are) to Social monogamy (the title we don't have). We have a really great time together, have been on a weekend out of town together, he takes me on nice dates, pays for everything, calls & text me a lot, and talks about plans for trips together, and simple future stuff like that. He is always telling me how attracted he is to me, loves my sense of humor, style, misses me when we are days apart, is so glad he met me, etc. He says he has always been slow to pull the trigger on titles, but has a history of long monogamous relationships. He says he has never been a player, and has never been a multiple dater, or slept around. By and large I believe him on this....but my gut seems to have me in doubt. Why not the title then? And whats with his phone blowing up with all these other girls? (By the way, he NEVER texts them back or picks up the phone when they ring in my presence.) I guess my big concern is that perhaps I may be his "main squeeze" but perhaps he's still investigating if there could be potential with some of these other women? I don't want to be the steady girl of a guy (cow/milk), and acting like it in every respect, if he is still fielding out other prospects..... Am I expecting too much at this point? Just wondering what I should do here, and what could be a normal time to expect to move from Sexual monogamy to "relationship" BF/GR status? All advice appreciated. Edited January 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator spacing ~6
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 he's not a BF, he's a cake-eater. Please don't be that girl.... He has no intention of being exclusive with you, he's enjoying playing the field and you trying to pin his back against the wall is just annoying him. If in 4 months he can't even commit to agreeing what kind of a relationship you DO have - then you don't HAVE a relationship. You have a FWB. Or rather, he has. You? You have a great big hook stuck in you and he reels you in and out as he wishes. Jeesh, girl - can't you see it?? Re-read your post as if it was written by a total stranger. What would YOU tell the girl??? Exactly. 2
candie13 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You are a mature Woman & much more ubderstanding than I ever will be. And i respect that. Read the book "why men marry some women & not others". It's a great one - Even If you don't want to marry. Basically, you got invested but he avoids / delays the intimacy. Sorrx, girl, that just ain't fair. So, If I were you, i Would be subtle & smart. I would gently pool out of the RS & give him some signals. Go to the gym more. Buy some new clothes. Be more unavailable & make him wonder. You are not won at a lottery & he needs to appreciate & respect you. He doesn't seem to, he sorta takes you for granted. Gently pull out of the RS. See How he reacts. No reaction? Pull out more. No reaction? Start giving your number around, girl, because it looks like you've been played. It's a process that I am talking about. He Must feel you slipping through his fingers - please do NOT just go talk to other men just yet. First - withdraw & give him Time & Opportunity to see it. If he cares, he'll fight for you. If you emotionally & physicslly withdraw & he says/ does nothing... yeah, you may actually start not just contemplating but considering the exit door. Cheers
PegNosePete Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) I am not a fan of labels, or getting upset over their usage or lack thereof. What I am a fan of, is actions. And his actions say "I have no commitment and no respect for this relationship, in fact I'm not even going to call it a relationship". After 4 months dating that should tell you everything you need to know. He isn't interested in a relationship with you. If you want a relationship then you need to find someone who wants one with you. This guy clearly doesn't. Sorry. Edited January 8, 2016 by PegNosePete
Author LA Luv Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 Thank you all for your honest & helpful feedback.... The thing is with me, is I've got a little bit of a history of being mistrusting and suspicious, due to several incidents of BF's cheating on me & dishonesty in the past. Because of this, I always try to examine my part in how I see or "color" behavior in other people. I am always trying to work on myself, to see if I am expecting too much too soon, or projecting my former experiences on top of other people, current/future dating partners. I also DO try to be patient, and give some folks leniency in coming around in their time, and so forth. Then, to balance this with any gut instincts, or real concerns I may have, it is tricky. Still, from those who have responded advice, it seems that all feel that my Concerns are very valid. I will probably take a few more weeks time, and see if he seems to be growing towards me or away...and in the meantime, not invest to much, stay focused on my own life outside of him, and who knows, maybe keep my mind open to other prospects !
venusishername Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I don't want to be the steady girl of a guy (cow/milk), and acting like it in every respect, if he is still fielding out other prospects..... Am I expecting too much at this point? Just wondering what I should do here, and what could be a normal time to expect to move from Sexual monogamy to "relationship" BF/GR status? LA Luv (like the name)- I don't think after three+ months you are expecting too much. On the other hand, the fact that other women are contacting him doesn't necessarily mean that they are prospects, right? My bf has lots of male and female friends, surprisingly it doesn't bother me if I see a female is texting or messaging him. I trust that he's with me so I'm not worried about it. Maybe you are assuming that there's all these other women in competition because you feel insecure about the state of the relationship. There's an element of trust that is missing in your situation, and I think that's why you may be feeling insecure or suspicious where it may not be necessary. I didn't have sex with my current boyfriend until I knew we were exclusive. He asked me to be his girlfriend long before we slept together. I'm glad I waited this time; I'm not saying that waiting to have sex is a guarantee of a relationship... but it's a good way to weed out the guys who aren't interested in one!! If you put the cart before the horse, so to speak... it's much more risky and you'll find yourself in these types of situations. The only real boyfriends I've had as an adult have CLEARLY asked me to be their girlfriend. I never needed to ask. They ALWAYS brought it up... because THEY didn't want to be with anyone else, and they didn't want ME to be with anyone else. It didn't take long, and I was never unsure about whether we were 'socially monogamous'. What does that even mean? But- as we all know... just because you're having a great time and you're sexually monogamous... doesn't mean you're in a relationship. I think you're putting a lot of weight into the title and it is likely annoying him. If you want something more substantial, I would suggest cutting it out with the movies at home and seeing each other so regularly. I wouldn't even explain myself, just pull back a bit. You've allowed this to be comfortable and casual; you can change it if you want. He may or may not give you what you are looking for, but you won't know unless you change something.
BettyDraper Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 He doesn't want a relationship. He just wants exclusive sex without making an effort. A man will treat you the way that you allow him to. Being too accommodating by seeing him all the time with no real dates is not helpful. He should be taking you out and 3 months is not too early to want a relationship. I would advise dumping him or at least focusing on yourself more. Don't see him so often and tell him that you are busy with other things. Men like chase and challenge; you are not presenting a challenge to him right now. Years ago, I was seeing this man who told me that he didn't want to talk about a relationship right after we slept together. I never asked him about being exclusive but I was hurt that he said such a thing right after we had sex. He also only took me out twice and he tried the "low key evening at home" nonsense where we would sit on his couch and order pizza. I dumped his ass because there were obvious signs that he wanted a convenient sex partner that he didn't have to make an effort for. Men usually show their true intentions through actions and also their words. If a man told me that he wanted to behave like a couple with no label, I would laugh in his face and tell him to find someone else. 3
kendahke Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) Finally when this started to make me really uncomfortable, I talked to him about it. He said he has always had a lot of female friends in his life, and they were just friends from around him apartment complex, work, etc.I dare say that this is the reason why his last couple of relationships blew up, despite what he says happened. This isn't behavior that arises in 3 months time. This is how he is: he won't maintain boundaries when in an exclusive relationship with other female friends. It could be because he doesn't like women or doesn't have a high opinion of them. I asked him point blank if these women knew he was dating someone, to which he replied, "I don't let everyone in on every intimate detail of my life." and then I asked him if he was good friends with these women, could I ever anticipate meeting them? And he basically gave me no response, and a kind of irritated look.That's non sequitur. Talk about killing a gnat with a sledgehammer. You're not talking about everyone. You're talking about these 2 or 3 "friends" of his who don't seem to get that he's supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with you and the fact that he's not doing anything to make that fact clear. And it's not every intimate detail of his life--it's one very important detail and quite frankly, if the tables were turned, would he like for your phone to be blowing up at the movies from 2 to 3 guys that you feel "don't need to be let in on the intimate details of your life"? I don't think, from what you've written here, that this guy is the kind of guy you will ever feel comfortable with or honored by in a relationship. Any guy who cannot honor boundaries or call you his girlfriend out of fear of pissing off the rest of the chicks in the bullpen is a guy who is incapable of the rigors of relationship. He's good for being a FWB, but not a boyfriend. Determine if being his eff buddy is good enough for you because that's all this is amounting to if he can't declare for you. . Edited January 10, 2016 by kendahke
kendahke Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 He doesn't want a relationship. He just wants exclusive sex without making an effort. A man will treat you the way that you allow him. ^^^^This. Right. Here. ^^^^^ He doesn't deserve your exclusivity if he cannot reciprocate and cannot remove himself from these intimate dalliances with these other women. Emotional intimacy violations are just as, if not more, destructive as physical ones. That he's not having sex with him is non sequitur: he's giving them a place in his intimacy in which they do not belong if he's telling you he's exclusive with you.
RedRobin Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Meh, he asked for exclusivity... Not for him, but for YOU. He wants a stable full of women who are not having sex with other men, but reserves the right to keep playing the field. Dump him ASAP. Tell him your values don't match, then block him. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 The purpose of being exclusive with a woman is supposed to be about focusing on her because he likes her alot and wants to focus on her to explore the possibility that he wants to make her his girlfriend and have a long-term relationship with her. It's fine to just have an exclusive, long-term sexual partner if that's what both parties want, which is essentially an FWB, but if one of them wants a real relationship, they need to move on when the arrangement isn't working for them anymore.
Author LA Luv Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 ^^^^This. Right. Here. ^^^^^ He doesn't deserve your exclusivity if he cannot reciprocate and cannot remove himself from these intimate dalliances with these other women. Emotional intimacy violations are just as, if not more, destructive as physical ones. That he's not having sex with him is non sequitur: he's giving them a place in his intimacy in which they do not belong if he's telling you he's exclusive with you. Thank you for this and I agree....even if he is not having sex with them (which I by & large believe he is not) it's the "reserving time & space" to chat with them several times a week, later in the evening, etc., without informing them that he is dating another woman that weirds me out....I think it is misleading to these other women as well, say if they think they are "getting to know" a guy who they think is available as a dating prospect. Something interesting happened this weekend with him, as an update...I discovered through a conversation with him, that a few years back he dated another woman that I briefly know. OK, a coincidence and that doesn't really weird me out, small world, you know. But I asked him why things did not work out with her, and how long they dated for. He said they dated about 2-3 months, but it didn't work out because "We had discussed being open & honest with each other about where we were at, and she would just have all these other guys texting her. Including one night when she clearly texted me accidentally, saying she couldn't wait to come see me, but she referred to me by another guys name. And when I confronted her about what else she had going on, she got very defensive & didn't want to talk about it, so I said, forget this!" So I said to him, "Really? Because this sounds about the same from what I got from you, when I asked you about all the girls texting/calling you, you got very defensive as well!" He said, "I did not get defensive, and I told you where they stand, that they are just friends." Okaaaaayyyyy........I think he is getting the message pretty clearly that I'm Unhappy with his weird phone/"friend" activity, and I'm not going to hang around much longer if he doesn't change this. I'm backing off, and I'll give him a couple/few more weeks to clean up this crap with the other girls, or what have you. I've set a date in my mind, when enough will be enough, I'm holding back on my emotional investment, and if his phone activity doesn't settle down, any weird stuff happens, and if he isn't ready to commit by that time, I'm out. Thanks so much for everyone's advice!
Author LA Luv Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 He doesn't want a relationship. He just wants exclusive sex without making an effort. A man will treat you the way that you allow him to. Being too accommodating by seeing him all the time with no real dates is not helpful. He should be taking you out and 3 months is not too early to want a relationship. I would advise dumping him or at least focusing on yourself more. Don't see him so often and tell him that you are busy with other things. Men like chase and challenge; you are not presenting a challenge to him right now. Years ago, I was seeing this man who told me that he didn't want to talk about a relationship right after we slept together. I never asked him about being exclusive but I was hurt that he said such a thing right after we had sex. He also only took me out twice and he tried the "low key evening at home" nonsense where we would sit on his couch and order pizza. I dumped his ass because there were obvious signs that he wanted a convenient sex partner that he didn't have to make an effort for. Thanks for the advice Betty, (love the name, BTW;) But, this isn't totally accurate as far as how our relationship goes. We actually go out a lot on proper dates, (and alternate with staying in) we went for a weekend out of town together, he picks up the bill, etc. More recently he's moved towards holding my hand, or putting his arm around me whenever we are out & about town together, around his neighborhood etc. There have been more things recently that make me feel as if I'm not so Hidden, and that we are a couple when out & about. It's really the dang phone activity, and the recent conversation I mentioned that I don't like. I've got my eyes & ears wide open, I won't hang around much longer without a commit, I'm just really seeing if this dude just needs a bit more time to come around. These frickin' LA men are THE WORST at wanting to take on a commitment! 1/2 the women I know in this city had to deal with their man dragging his feet for months before committing. A few of these same women are now married to these same men. It's a nightmare in the big cities to say the least....
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