greatsauce1 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Hey. This thread is not about me, but my ex girlfriend. I have another thread here about it so i'll keep this brief but: We were together for 3 years, I was her first, she broke it up because she was no longer feeling happy and fulfilled. We became FWB, while I tried to get her back she repeatedly said she couldnt be with me anymore, and that was fine. So I started flirting with some other girls (at new years), and my ex has found out through a friend of her who were present telling her about it. We then broke of contact completely because she told me she wanted nothing to do with me etc - and I told her goodbye. Now some days later she contacted me, telling me about how she has no one she can speak to about this, she even told her friends she does not want to go out on town and party anymore. She also told me that she is contemplating suicide because she feels there is "no reason to be here at all anymore" and it's not typical for her to say something like this at ALL. So I'm very worried. I've talked to her, heard her out and advised her to go and talk to professionals about it, but it's not something she wants to do it seems. She doesnt want to talk to someone she knows about it either. She's only 20 while I'm a couple of years older. I'm wondering what I should do about it? I'm thinking about contacting her mother (which is a very caring person) and telling her about this behind my exes back. What should I do here? I'm genuinly worried.
carhill Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 IMO, you've done well. If you were on good terms with her family, suggesting they look in on her would be prudent, without going into specifics. As an outsider, since your relationship with her is over, responding to her engagement and providing support and encouraging her to get help is the healthy thing to do. She's an adult so, barring evidence of danger to self or others, your, or anyone's, options to override that autonomy are limited. Support and engagement usually go a long way. I had a spate of this with a female friend a few years back and, TBH, the middle of the night calls did wear on me after awhile. Still, life went on, she got through the period and went on to other things in life.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 people who threaten suicide fall into 2 categories: people who are genuinely hurting & at risk to kill themselves & people who are manipulating you for attention. Your EX sounds like the former to me because she's not saying the manipulative crap like I want to kill myself because you broke up with me. If you think she is in immediate danger, keep her on the phone & call 911 from another phone. The police will have her involuntarily committed on a 72 hour psych hold if she is truly a danger to herself or others. You keep encouraging her to talk to her mother & perhaps get into therapy. Give her the # for the suicide prevention hotline, which is pinned to the top of the coping thread here on LS. Also do call her mother & tell her that the daughter is talking about killing herself. Even if your EX gets mad at you at least she will be alive to be pissed. Whatever you do, do not put yourself in the place of amateur psychologist to this girl. She needs more help then you have skills to give. 1
jen1447 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 IMO, if/when this sort of thing happens it immediately changes the nature of your relationship (doesn't matter who it is) and you have to assume the role of overseer and forfeit the role of friend, possibly forever. That means you do whatever it takes to insure her immediate well being and forget about concepts like betrayal and confidence. If she were confiding in you sth that wasn't life and death, fine, but suicide is life and death. And don't trick her either or try to be smooth-smooth - tell her outright that anytime she mentions sth like that you're going to take x-y-z actions, whatever they may be (alerting a relative/friend/police/etc.). That tends to separate the manipulators from the real-deal ppl, but then you have to also follow thru. There's no room for games or finesse in that world.
marky00 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Well... My ex of 9 years broke it off start of year. I broke contact a month ago and she said she feels so guilty about the breakup that she feels like killing herself. But here's the thing. She won't do it.... it was just her way of trying to release the guilt she has for breaking my heart and going to another guy. Its possible your Ex was feeling very guilty after ending it.... then you got prideful and kinda moved on which usually makes them feel even more guilty. My Ex made that comment after about 3 months NC... she said she thought she would never hear from me again. Not saying it shouldnt be taken seriously.... but this could be a way to unburden herself for dumping a good guy who is capable of finding a new gf. Its true what they say..... its not until you send a strong signal that your moving on... then the regret and guilt can set in if they still had some residual feelings. I realise that this may be independent of the breakup but somehow I feel the breakup is a factor here. Edited January 8, 2016 by marky00
William Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 OK, member wants advice urgently, logs out 19 minutes after posting this and doesn't return. Thank you to the members who attempted to assist. I'll edit the title since urgency doesn't appear to be a factor anymore.
Author greatsauce1 Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 Thanks for replying and trying to help me out with this situation. It's difficult because I want to move on with my own life too, and staying in touch with her makes this very hard for me personally (keeping in mind she was the one that broke up with me) - but if her life is at stake it's definately something I'm going to do. But I also have a feeling like someone mentioned that this might be an attempt to manipulate me and post-pone moving on with my life, I'm not really sure but either way i'll try to handle this as delicately as I can. I called her today and she was spending some time with two of her best friends this evening so I think it's fine for now. I've considered everything that you've told me and I feel like the only thing I can do is what I've mentioned in the original post - speaking to her mother about it without her knowledge. I've tried to encourage her personally to seek professional help but it's not something she's willing to do, so the way I see it, its the only thing I can do now. - Gonna try to get in touch with her mother* over the weekend, possibly monday. I'll get back to you with how it goes (its a great help to have someone to share this with for me)
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 - Gonna try to get in touch with her mother* over the weekend, possibly monday. If you think you can wait until Monday, you don't actually think she's serious. If you thought she was in danger of killing herself you would have been on the phone with somebody yesterday when you posting your original message. That said I'm glad you think she is attention seeking but honestly, threats of suicide generally can't wait 'til Monday.
Author greatsauce1 Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 If you think you can wait until Monday, you don't actually think she's serious. If you thought she was in danger of killing herself you would have been on the phone with somebody yesterday when you posting your original message. That said I'm glad you think she is attention seeking but honestly, threats of suicide generally can't wait 'til Monday. The way I preceive it after we spoke on the phone yesterday and today, she does not seem to be in immediate danger. And she plans to spend time with two of her best friends this evening, I'm also planning on contacting her later today and checking up on her. I'll keep an eye on the situation and put my own emotions aside for now, until she gets the help she needs atleast. Maybe I'll get a hold of her mother tomorrow instead. The thing is I would preferably like to speak to her mother alone, since I knew my ex would hate me forever if she knew I had talked to her.
Chi townD Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Personally, when someone threatens suicide, it's usually nothing more than a threat and a cry for help. It's the ones that you know are depressed and then al the sudden start to perk up and become somewhat normal again. With those people, you have to watch out for. Those are the ones that have already made a decision to end there life and have come up with a gameplan and an end date. They've made peace with themselves because they're no longer struggling with a decision. And they certainly don't talk about it because they don't want anyone to know or to talk them out of it. However! ANY threat of suicide should be taken seriously! If I were you, I would inform her mother. Tell her exactly what she said. Have her mother made aware of the situation and she can deal with this.
dave_1966 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I agree with everyone here, you should tell her mother immediately. You're completely out of your depth.
stillafool Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I definitely think you should tell her mother ASAP and then step away. I can understand your concern for her as I would be somewhat afraid of what she may do also. It's good that her friends are with her now but her family definitely needs to be aware that she is threatening suicide. You can't be held hostage in this so tell her parents then step away.
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