Please help this guy. He doesn't seem to be able to move on

[mazza32cott]

I have a friend who I has been in a relationship with a woman for 4 years. In that time they have broken up some 20 times. He left her 3 times and the other times she has kicked him out. Nine months ago, two months after her kicking him out, he met another woman and had a 5 month relationship. The ex found out that he had met somebody and wanted him back. After much consideration, he went back to her only to find himself kicked out again.

 

Now he is seeing the woman that he met before who I think he is fond of, however, the ex is wanting him back again. He is feeling very confused.

 

He is wondering if he has missed something. Can it actually one day maybe work with the Ex. Why does she keep wanting him back? He talks to her most days as she wont stop ringing him. I have told him what I think. Would appreciate others comments.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have a friend in this exact situation. The girl will literally keep him an an emotional heart's length until she finds out that he is moving on with someone else. Then she suddenly 'needs' him again. And... because the poor schmuck loves her he drops what ever he is doing and goes to her. Then, once she has him - she pushes him away again. Over, and over and over. The guy has had chances to move on but this girl literally won't let him.

 

The only thing that will work is for your friend to cut his ex off with 'no contact'. Zero contact. If she calls, he hangs up and blocks her number. If she emails, he deletes them unopened and block her email. If she mails stuff, he marks it 'return to sender' and sends it back unopened. Only an extended period of 'no contact' will help fix that infection she is in his heart.

 

The problem though, is that no matter how horrible these two are for each other - they are addicted to the relationship. Its like crack - no crack addict in the world will tell you how great, wonderful or fulfilling crack has made their life, but... they can't live without it. They'll do anything for it. Drop anything or anyone to get another hit. These people are each other's relationship crack. Neither has the strength to break away right now. As soon as one does, the other will miss them - and will work hard to get them back. Once they are back - the problems they have outweigh the addiction and they leave. But... the addiction is still there. So are the problems. Endless cycle.

 

'No contact'. Solid - firm 'no contact'. He needs to give himself a solid month with absolutely 'no contact' with her. That might start to loosen the iron grip this relationship has on his heart. It might help the ex, too. Your friend has to be able to do this though, and stick to it.

[smile95]

oh man....I do the same thing. Mine ignores me and then when I do not call for a while, he calls me and asks who I am with and he professes his love to me and then I drop my life for him ...agian and then it goes back to crap and he never changes! Once your friend has been thru it a few 100 times, he will see what is going on and move on! I suggest NC for him. that is what I am doing now. I know he loves her and I loved mine, but they only want us when they cannot have us and once they win, all the promises and changes go out the window!

[notmakingsense]

LucreziaBorgia wrote:

I have a friend in this exact situation. The girl will literally keep him an an emotional heart's length until she finds out that he is moving on with someone else. Then she suddenly 'needs' him again. And... because the poor schmuck loves her he drops what ever he is doing and goes to her. Then, once she has him - she pushes him away again. Over, and over and over. The guy has had chances to move on but this girl literally won't let him

 

This is me -- I'm living this right now to some extent. I've been involved with someone for about 1 and a half years. She keeps me at a safe distance, then when I pull away myself, she ropes me in to make sure I'm not fully gone. It took me almost this full amount of time to actually initiate a break-up with her. Soon after? You guessed it, she starts calling me to keep me engaged. And yes, I'm lovesick over this woman and have my own self-esteem issues -- so I haven't yet gotten to the point where I can go full NC. Lots more to my story, but I wanted to chime in and agree that this guy should really get over her if he can. And if he can't do NC on his own, maybe he should get councelling. I can't afford it right now -- but I may need to get to that point.

[mazza32cott]

I know how difficult it is after breaking up with someone after 18 years of marraige. It is the most difficult thing in the world to do!!

 

You know what you MUST do though.....But it is so hard. Please get some help if you can but move on... Believe me time DOES heal and you will be all the better for it.

 

Maz