Finally ready to discuss my ExBoyfriends Abuse - i need to let it out

[kittyxo]

Hello LS community

 

I have been reading tons of stories on here on breakups and decided it was time for me to post my own story. I have healed a lot from my breakup a month ago from my previous relationship of 5 years and i owe it all to using no contact and deleting his family and friends from social media. It really helped me a lot especially during the holiday

being that i was basically no longer welcome to his family's annual Christmas party.

 

Speaking to my friends has also benefited me as well. But i cannot share every little detail as i am embarrassed to say that throughout my 5 year relationship, there was cheating and tons of lying involved. I dont know why I continually went back to him... The first time should have been it for me. 2 months after we dated, he left his phone in my car and i saw messages between a girl and him, he was asking her what kind of pajamas she was wearing and how he was a naughty boy. When i told him, he cried and tried his best to win me back. I forgave him.

 

A year later, he left his facebook logged in on my computer and i had noticed he was chatting with many girls. One of whom he had a flind with. She had told me he asked her to have sex with her in order to be good with me, wtf! He also hung out with girls behind my back. I forgave him. We broke up but got back together doing LC. During that time he made friends with many girls online, one of whom bought concert tickets for him on his birthday where i was forced to cancel all my plans for him. He turned off his phone all night.

 

Another year went by great, until i found out he had cheated on me with a mutual friends cousin (i knew her as well). He said my ex hung out with her many times, they made out and eventually had sex, while me and him were getting intimate as well. He would not openly admit he cheated after i repeatedly asked him, but i knew

 

He lied to me about many things in our relationship and said "if theres anything left to come out, it will" as opposed to reassuring me there was nothing else. He also said "i never thought you'd find out" which also was his reasoning to him cheating on his ex.

 

I feel great that i could finally speak my story however ii dont know why i loved him for 5 years.

 

We finally broke up in Dec, im ashamed to say he ended things after an argument about why je was taking me for granted and lying. It wasnt until i texted him happy new year that i didnt receive a text back that i got my closure from him along with his family who did not accept my thank you for treating me like family.

 

Why do i feel so jaded? Shouldnt i feel happy?

[Sar112]

I've been in your shoes with not being treated the way I deserved and taking people back regardless of what they may have done - sometimes I think I will forgive anything and it makes me so angry because I know that in the end it will only cause me more heartbreak and is showing myself no respect.

 

Don't do yourself down over it though - when you really love someone it is only natural to want to believe what they say about wanting to change etc...

 

I suspect you still feel like this because a) it was not you who had the satisfaction of ending it and b) because of his behaviour/his family's in apparently not acknowledging the hurt he has caused. Of course there is also the fact that no matter how poorly someone has treated you, if you have spent 5 years loving them there will always be a period where you miss them/things don't feel quite the same.

 

Just know you are worth so much more than him. He has been a chump and will wake up one day regretting his behaviour where as you will eventually realise how you can do so much better and will have already moved on.

[kittyxo]

@sar112

 

Thank you for the reply. I think you're right about me feeling off because he had the satisfaction of ending it. Ending it wasn't something i wanted to do. I loved him too much. A lot my friends and family members said that i bent over backwards for him a lot which i admit now i did. I put him first. It only hurt me in the end.

 

Im not sure why his family hasnt reached out or replied. I msgd them on IG (i deleted their numbers) and said thanks for all they had done for me and im doing well. Im not sure what he told them...

[anonymousbear00101100]

A toxic relationship sent me here as well. It's hard. We love them unhealthily, know they are so wrong for us, and do anything to keep them from leaving.

 

I wish I had great advice for how to get over the pain of a toxic relationship, but I'm only two months in and don't have everything figured out for myself.

 

What I have found helpful is breaking down why you were so addicted to your partner. Was it out of neediness or loneliness or lust? Figure out why you submitted yourself to that type of mental abuse. Be open and honest with yourself.

 

No matter what, do not contact him or look at any of his social media accounts. Just let him go like a helium balloon. You'll see him floating away, further and further, and you might be like "Damn, I really wish I still had that balloon." But know that eventually, as you gaze up into the sky, that balloon will disappear from view, and you can walk down to the balloon stand and pick out a new one. Hopefully one that isn't an awful person and doesn't cheat on you.

 

Forced metaphors are fun!

 

Anyways, just know that you are better off without him. No matter what, never go back. We both have played the go back game, and has it ever ended differently? No. So let him go and work on yourself. You can do a lot better.

[kittyxo]

I think I'm ready to tell the world about my relationship with my ex boyfriend that I have been keeping within myself for over 5 years. Why havent I told friends or family? Because I didnt want to be viewed as weak. Since last month, I have been removed from said relationship as my ex boyfriend decided this was for the best.

 

Our relationship started when i was 23. We met online and instantly clicked. We became such good friends in a short period of time and fell in love. I never imagined that this would be the beginning of a roller coaster of a relationship.

 

It was within 3 months that i found out he had been flirting with a number of girls whom he had sexual relations with over text msg and Facebook. Being a forgiving person, I forgave him because he pratically begged me back for days.

 

During this reconciliation period, he began lying more. He made a numbet of female friends online using websites like plenty of fish (where we met) to meet "friends". During our reconciliation time these friends became friends with benefits with my then boyfriend. Whenever i asked him, he always called me insecure and to get over it. They went for lunches, dinners, late night movies, he went to her house, she even surprised him with concert tickets on his birthday.

 

I told him i didnt like this so he began distancing herself from her and their friendship ultimately ended but i always wonder why it ended....

 

He would convince me that he no longer spoke to these friends and cut off all communication with them. ..

 

A couple of months later, about 3 years into our relationship, i received a call from a friend who asked me if my bf and i dated other people while we were broken up. My friend then went on to tell me that a mutual friend and my bf hung out on 3 different occasions and slept with each other. I asked my boyfriend and he stayed quiet. He wouldn't give me any details. He mentioned it happened in july. In july? I thought automatically to when i went on vacation for a week. He slept with her during that time. He was also intimate with me during that timr as well.

 

We broke up, however i initiated contact for reconciliation, again.

 

Everything was going well for a year and a half. He became mature, he apologized for everything. I even mustered the courage to get back on social media. I went off because i became so insecure.

 

I joined instagram and asked him if there was anything i should know and if he was being faithful on there. He said yes. Then why did i find that he liked over 100 pictures of attractive girls. His response "i didnt think you'd find out"

 

He said that alot. He even backed it up with "if theres anything left to find youll find it". What kind of a reassurance is that?

 

I ashamed to tell everyone that a month ago he ended it with me because i started too many fights. I admit i did. He never made me feel assured that he wasnt lying about something. He made me insecure about myself. He spent 5 years lying to me.

 

I haven't heard from him since. His family has abandoned me. I thanked all of them for treating me like one of them and i received no response from about 10 family members.

 

I wanted to share my story because to this day i haven't shared it with family or friends. I dont know why i loved him and why i still do. In the end, I'm the one who is looked at as the evil one in all of this and i feel stupid.

 

I hope by telling my story i can be on a path to self discovery and healing and ultimately be happy.

 

Thank You for reading and i appreciate any comments

[carhill]

What kind of advice are you seeking? Sounds like you're 28 or so and had a fairly lengthy, on and off, from your POV, abusive relationship.

 

Some examples would be:

 

1. Recovery techniques

2. Building self-esteem

3. Accepting the end and moving on

4. Interacting with other men

 

Etc, etc.

 

IMO, it's healthy to do what you're doing, getting it out there. It can just set there; there's no timeline requiring any work to be done. Get it out, set it down, and go have some fun with friends, apparently most of whom don't know the details. That's OK. Easier to have fun with them. It'll work out.

[kittyxo]

What kind of advice are you seeking? Sounds like you're 28 or so and had a fairly lengthy, on and off, from your POV, abusive relationship.

 

Some examples would be:

 

1. Recovery techniques

2. Building self-esteem

3. Accepting the end and moving on

4. Interacting with other men

 

Etc, etc.

 

IMO, it's healthy to do what you're doing, getting it out there. It can just set there; there's no timeline requiring any work to be done. Get it out, set it down, and go have some fun with friends, apparently most of whom don't know the details. That's OK. Easier to have fun with them. It'll work out.

 

Thank you for replying. I guess i wanted to get it out of my system and just for someone to tell me its ok.

 

Part of me is feeling like i did something wrong because of the way hes acting. He hasnt called me to see if im ok. And despite everything he did to me, i never left his side

But he left me so quickly

[carhill]

IMO, it's healthy to reflect on one's own life at certain points. Equally healthy is not dwelling on it. We're all imperfect beings; none of us gets it completely right for a lifetime. If you made any mistakes, OK, own them, learn from them and move on. The only person you can control is you. What your ex did, who he was, how he treated you, is his life, his path and completely out of your control. You can of course learn from it.

 

Yeah, it sucks but people leave, sometimes like they had never been there. And, yup, expect their families to disappear equally quickly. That's how life works sometimes.

[mrldii]

Not to be rude, OP (as The Truth is often misconstrued as 'rudeness'), but if I was you, I'd be more concerned (according to the story you've posted) about my own abuse of myself, than anything my last boyfriend did to me.

 

He lied to you; you caught him. You broke with him over it; he apologized and begged for you to take him back. You did. He then lied some more; you caught him. He lied some more; you stayed with him. He cheated on you; you found out. He broke up with you; you begged him to come back...and...so...on.

 

'Why are you so abusive to and with yourself?' seems to be the bigger question and worse issue that you should be working out. 'He' was just the [latest] tool by which you did abuse yourself.

 

 

Best of luck while you work it all through and out, OP...

[kittyxo]

Not to be rude, OP (as The Truth is often misconstrued as 'rudeness'), but if I was you, I'd be more concerned (according to the story you've posted) about my own abuse of myself, than anything my last boyfriend did to me.

 

He lied to you; you caught him. You broke with him over it; he apologized and begged for you to take him back. You did. He then lied some more; you caught him. He lied some more; you stayed with him. He cheated on you; you found out. He broke up with you; you begged him to come back...and...so...on.

 

'Why are you so abusive to and with yourself?' seems to be the bigger question and worse issue that you should be working out. 'He' was just the [latest] tool by which you did abuse yourself.

 

 

Best of luck while you work it all through and out, OP...

 

 

I really appreciate your reply - its definitely what i needed to hear. I dont know why i kept going back to him. I have been the one abusing myself though, you're right. I know that i learning a tough lesson here that i need to be more stronger in these situations. I think deep down my ex knew he was hurting me so he probably couldn't bare putting me through more and decided that if he knew he wasn't going to change, then he should let me go. It sucks thay sometimes reality can be so cruel

[Captivating]

Kitty,

You gave him WAY too many chances to man up. You seem to be a people pleaser which is not ideal in a relationship, if you give up your wants and needs all the time. This guy lies all the time, cannot commit, LOVES "variety" and chases his D...

He and his family lacks integrity and class. You are lucky to get red of them, you will see.

 

Kitty, you deserve much better, don't you agree?

A guy with integrity who is loving, caring, compassionate, responsible and wants you, only you. Aim for this, don't settle less than this ! Look for someone who is VERY similar to your values and the way of thinking. This is a must for a happy relationship.

In a couple of weeks, months you will see it much more clearly that this is a blessing how things turned out. It will take time , but you will get there, don't worry !

[kittyxo]

Kitty,

You gave him WAY too many chances to man up. You seem to be a people pleaser which is not ideal in a relationship, if you give up your wants and needs all the time. This guy lies all the time, cannot commit, LOVES "variety" and chases his D...

He and his family lacks integrity and class. You are lucky to get red of them, you will see.

 

Kitty, you deserve much better, don't you agree?

A guy with integrity who is loving, caring, compassionate, responsible and wants you, only you. Aim for this, don't settle less than this ! Look for someone who is VERY similar to your values and the way of thinking. This is a must for a happy relationship.

In a couple of weeks, months you will see it much more clearly that this is a blessing how things turned out. It will take time , but you will get there, don't worry !

 

I didnt really look at it like that, that im a people pleaser. Very interesting. I learned throughout this breakup just how much i put others and my ex way ahead of myself and it began effecting my mental health. My ex brought out such a negative side to me and he even said that he didnt like the person i was becoming, yet he never agreed to change himself im our relationship

 

Thank you for your reply

[carhill]

One way to look at it is not necessarily being more *selfish* but rather being a little less *selfless*. No one will ever value you as much as you value yourself. I hope! Take it from someone who used to get way too wound up in caring about others. Heh. It'll work out.

[NoLeafClover]

You are not weak..you are just human. Love makes you blind. Personally I don't know if this abuse but everyone is different..regardless I hope you have a quick recovery. You sound like a sweatheart and would probably make a good gf for many men.

Ps. Don't assume they abandoned you. Perhaps they didn't reply to stay neutral to both sides.

 

Good luck and stay positive.

[jen1447]

Breakups tend to be ugly in one way or another and the bad-guy syndrome is pretty common fallout. I understand it's frustrating but you really have to let it roll off your back.

 

The big picture here is this guy was never gonna straighten out so you did the right thing by getting rid of him. That at least limits the damage to what he did, not what he'll continue to do.

 

Good job.

[SpiralOut]

What you described is not abuse. That's a douchebag boyfriend who cheats on you and lies. That's still pretty bad, though, and I'm sorry that you went through all of that. You're better off without him.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I ashamed to tell everyone that a month ago he ended it with me because i started too many fights. I admit i did. He never made me feel assured that he wasnt lying about something. He made me insecure about myself. He spent 5 years lying to me.

 

This is what happened to me as well. Just remember, arguments are 50/50, meaning each partner is equally responsible for their role in the fight. Making you feel secure is his job as your boyfriend, and he did not do that. I know how hard it is to move on from this type of relationship since you feel that everything that went wrong was your fault. In the end, you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and realize nothing you could have done, short of submitting yourself to every one of his unfair demands, would have saved your toxic relationship. He simply was not the one.

[kittyxo]

What you described is not abuse. That's a douchebag boyfriend who cheats on you and lies. That's still pretty bad, though, and I'm sorry that you went through all of that. You're better off without him.

 

I agree now that some individuals pointed it out, but I do believe that it was a form of emotional abuse. I thought he loved me and after 5 years he was able to up and leave me after one argument.

[kittyxo]

This is what happened to me as well. Just remember, arguments are 50/50, meaning each partner is equally responsible for their role in the fight. Making you feel secure is his job as your boyfriend, and he did not do that. I know how hard it is to move on from this type of relationship since you feel that everything that went wrong was your fault. In the end, you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and realize nothing you could have done, short of submitting yourself to every one of his unfair demands, would have saved your toxic relationship. He simply was not the one.

 

I agree 100% about arguments being 50/50. Because of these instances, over time everytime we had an argument I blew up and I did say nasty things. Even though he provoked arguments, I was able to muster up all my courage and ego and apologized in person. I don't think he ever apologized to me directly for all that he did to me. His reasoning was that if he was with me and showed me loved me (which he barely did) that was enough for him to prove that he was sorry.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I agree 100% about arguments being 50/50. Because of these instances, over time everytime we had an argument I blew up and I did say nasty things. Even though he provoked arguments, I was able to muster up all my courage and ego and apologized in person. I don't think he ever apologized to me directly for all that he did to me. His reasoning was that if he was with me and showed me loved me (which he barely did) that was enough for him to prove that he was sorry.

 

I never really got apologies either, and affection seemed to be in short supply on her side as well. Yes I kept chasing and chasing. But for both of us, recognizing this is a good step to recovering. We both need to realize that self respect is important in a relationship, and we shouldn't tolerate that kind of immature behavior from future partners.

[kittyxo]

I never really got apologies either, and affection seemed to be in short supply on her side as well. Yes I kept chasing and chasing. But for both of us, recognizing this is a good step to recovering. We both need to realize that self respect is important in a relationship, and we shouldn't tolerate that kind of immature behavior from future partners.

 

It's nice to have perspective from someone who went through a similiar situation, so thank you for providing input.

 

It is only with this breakup that I am able to gain my self respect back. I lost all of that when he decided to betray me continuously and cheat on me. I became such a negative person. I was always jealous, angry and always in a bad mood.

 

I have recently been getting back to my old ways and I feel like I am making such a great progress. I re-read The Secret, I check my Horoscope every day, I do things to keep my mind relaxed, I read buddhist quotes to keep me positive. These are just some of the examples of why I am happy the relationship is over.

 

Just a question rj, did your ex ever contact you? Not to get back together.. just in general?

[DrMario]

I needed to read this thread, suddenly whatever guilt I had has been washed away because this guy, wow, he completely eclipses anything I could have ever done to somebody, now that's out of the way, I have to say, I feel your pain, it's so easy to be swallowed in despair in a situation like this, you'd think that somebody who treated you in such a way would show some remorse for what he has done and try with all his might to out things right, rather than bouncing like that after a little fight, what your feeling now is a need of validation from him, your heart and mind are craving it because he is the only one who can give it because he is the one who has left you in this state to fend for yourself, you may be too close to it now but one day you'll be happy that he left in the way that he did and should you ever get an apology for this from his, it won't matter to you because at that point, you would have proved your strength to yourself and moved on.

[stillafool]

Please don't think too hard of his family. You thanked them for being nice to you and I don't think they felt that needed a response. Also they are his family and will always end up on his side because of this.

[kittyxo]

I needed to read this thread, suddenly whatever guilt I had has been washed away because this guy, wow, he completely eclipses anything I could have ever done to somebody, now that's out of the way, I have to say, I feel your pain, it's so easy to be swallowed in despair in a situation like this, you'd think that somebody who treated you in such a way would show some remorse for what he has done and try with all his might to out things right, rather than bouncing like that after a little fight, what your feeling now is a need of validation from him, your heart and mind are craving it because he is the only one who can give it because he is the one who has left you in this state to fend for yourself, you may be too close to it now but one day you'll be happy that he left in the way that he did and should you ever get an apology for this from his, it won't matter to you because at that point, you would have proved your strength to yourself and moved on.

 

Thank you for the reply. I am actually surprised at how serious his actions were. It almost makes me feel sick that I didn't realize how terrible this all was when it happened to me.

 

I think thats one of the reasons I was always afraid to tell my friends and my family because they would be so mad that I went back to him. Hence why I posted my story on LS.

 

It's really sad that everyone looks at him like such a saint and a sweet guy. It's unfortunate that I was able to see the real side of him. I almost wish that all of this would come out in the open and he would be exposed, but I do not want that type of karma inflicted on me. So I will hope that I am successful in life and in love in the future.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Just a question rj, did your ex ever contact you? Not to get back together.. just in general?

 

She responded to me when I contacted her, but never initiated anything. I know the breakup hurt her as well, since she was also dependent on me (not for necessarily for affection, but validation). But the difference was she was strong enough to realize what had to be done to move on.

 

The relationship was pretty bad for both us since we were very dependent on each other. I desperately needed her to love me, and she desperately needed someone to pay her attention and support her. The difference is once she could find someone else to do that (someone in her city), she could leave.

 

Again it just comes back to respecting yourself and knowing what you want from your partner. It didn't matter how much love and support I gave her, it was never enough and I shouldn't have gone back the three times that I did. I will never make that mistake again.