deltaecho841 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 (edited) Hey everyone, Its frustrating that I am reaching out about this, but I wanted to say there is some good advise to be seen on here. So long story short. My GF and I broke up in October, maintained contact for a bit then I decided it wasnt worth it anymore. during the relationship I made mistakes (not horrible) and pushed her away quite a bit. Christmas comes, I text saying merry christmas, she messages a bunch of texts back and wants to get together. Im out of town at the time, so we decide to when Im back. I come back, she comes to my place, we hook up, then when she leaves says "I still love you and I still miss you, I wish we never went down this road". Couple days pass we talk more and she says "She wants to see things are different and for me to make her feel special", so I do. One night we talk and I tell her how im feeling and that I dont want to move on from this and that I still love her. Since then things have been hell.... I found out she was on tinder, so I called her on it. After all of this she is aloof and treating me like a friend. I asked if she wants me to try if its worth doing and she said "that is up to you, I dont want to get back together right now, maybe in the future but I'm not putting my life on hold waiting to see it". This whole time Im trying so hard to show her changes, be nice to her and try to do things I didnt before. I hit a point where I'm realizing she is stringing me along until she finds something better, I ask, she says no. I explained that if things dont go anywhere that I dont want to be friends, not cause im a dick, but because I dont want to know where her life really goes after me (if that makes sense) I asked her to go do something with me and she said maybe, then asked if she could come over, we can make dinner and just hang out. I said fine. We got in a disagreement and asked "why do you want to come over?" she just said "cause I want a relaxing night and its fun when we hangout"... which makes me feel like I live in the friend zone now. what do I do? i feel like since I opened up she knows she has me to take or dispose. She is coming over tomorrow and im so anxious and frustrated cause she is going on tinder dates then hanging out with me . Any advice is appreciated, Im just busted up about this. Edited January 7, 2016 by deltaecho841
Samhain Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Some people get that way because of their ego. When they think an ex doesn't want them, their ego can't stand it and they think they're in love and can't move on, but when they are re-assured that isn't the case, and that the ex partner is in fact still an option, they get the egotistical go ahead, and are no longer interested, so move on to more challenging prospects. Go NO Contact.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 You can't be half-pregnant, or wish you were born Swedish when you're actually Dutch. You can't have what doesn't exist. Go No Contact, and stop this to-fro' now. .
DrMario Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 See how the night goes and lay your cards out on the table, discuss why she feels the need to go on these tinder dates or what need she has for tinder at all, and go from there, really exhaust all your option's before slipping back to no contact, at least then you can say you did everything you could, there could be a reason for her strange behaviour, as is the case with some people but if not, move on from this girl and stay no contact.
Author deltaecho841 Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Thanks for the replies. Either way she is still coming over though. I just dont even know what to say or how to act after all of this. She says the tinder is more for a confidence boost or something to do when bored. I dont know whether to just call her on her sh*t or just let tonight happen and then tomorrow simply go no contact? If I go no contact after that she will assume something weird since I gave no warning too. Also, she asks me all the time if Ive gone on dates or gets weird when she asks what Ive been doing and say I had plans with a name she doesnt know or recognize. Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Just that the situation feels like its at the edge of a cliff. Edited January 8, 2016 by deltaecho841
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Since she is coming over, pour on the romance. Buy her flowers (not expensive ones but a bouquet from the corner) & have candles & soft music. Set a scene for seduction. After you have sex, engage in some meaningful post-coital conversation: you love each other & want to try again but she has to get off Tinder & you two have to be exclusive. If she doesn't want that, kick her out & don't look back unless you want NSA / FWB until she finds somebody better or you do. In which case, no more dinners, not a lot of effort, just sex.
Author deltaecho841 Posted January 8, 2016 Author Posted January 8, 2016 I planned on being romantic in a non intense way. Im just not sure how to behave, telling her how I felt is what made things this unpredictable. She constantly asks if Ive gone on any dates, the one time I said yes she blew up. I think I need a script, haha, Is it better to act indifferent during this meeting, or being up front. Im worried about being up front because that has got me nowhere and sadly I found indifference sparks some sort of emotion in her. I feel like a YO-Yo, but I cant let myself act like a wuss (or Beta male), ive lowered to those points before and it didnt help either. Im so screwed up over this.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I am all for laying your cards on the table but that is a huge risk. You are likely to get hurt. But if you don't tell her exactly how you feel & what you think you are guaranteed to lose her. If you put it out there & she doesn't feel the same way at least you can have a clean break from which you will heal & can move on. So have the romantic dinner. Tell her you want to make this work but that you both have to put in the effort. If she asks about other girls while you were apart remind her that you were apart & try to convince her to withdraw the Q. My favorite tactic is to literally say, Are you sure you want me to answer that because the truth will hurt your feelings but so will a lie. So I think you'd be better off not having it confirmed. What's important is I'm here now & I want to work on fixing us. However, if all you want to do is rehash the past we can't move forward. It's your choice. Acting indifferent us what got you into the mess.
GlobeTrotter9 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I had a similiar situation with my ex who started seeing someone only a few days after we broke up. She would ignore me until he wasn't available and like a fool I always replied. She would also text me very 'cute' things whenever I was out with other girls just to keep me on the hook. I kept convincing myself we would eventually get back together which just led to even more heartbreak when I realised how serious she was getting with this other guy. I think after she comes over tomorrow you should go NC completely. Its not fair to yourself to be her back up plan if the grass isn't greener on the other side. Relationships are a two way street and if she blew up the one time you went on a date yet she's doing it right under your nose then its telling her she can control you. If you really want to see how she feels about you then take all the power away from her and just spend some time focusing on yourself. As the saying goes - 'If you love someone let them go and if they come back they were yours forever, otherwise they never were'.
Whisky1981 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Look! Don't bother about tinder. 90% of guys on those social bounding s**t look only for sex. Don't worry, a majority of gals don't see sex like men do. Don't get me wrong. You should be in alert. If you see something strange you have to be prepared to back off. Just don't obsess over Tinder and go on with the flow but have your eyes open on her behaviour and actions and on other girls too! You don't have anything to lose. Edited January 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~6
Author deltaecho841 Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 Thanks for the responses. So she came over last night, started out tense at first. I started using tinder once I found out she had in an effort to move on, while I was making us dinner she asks " are you still on tinder?" I say "I think we shouldn't talk about this kind of stuff". She goes on it saying "she is trying to find me", I say if she is using that app while I'm making her dinner it would be best if she left. She shows me she limited it to a km away. She told me that she saw it before but deleted it cause "I made her feel bad". We have dinner and put on a movie, it was exactly as it was before. She was cuddled up to me and we shared wine. Eventually she come on to me and that part you all know. We sit on the couch talking for a bit. She says "things like tonight is all I ever wanted when we were together", I said "I'm sorry I didn't try to change or get it together sooner". We talk about doing things in the future together and stuff like that. She slept over, we were like it used to be. I got up in the morning, got ready, made us coffee and we made small talk about snowboarding, lol. She said thanks for having me over, it was a really good night together. She left, called me on her drive home wishing me a fun weekend. Now here I am on a snowboard trip not knowing a what a good next move is. Please give me some direction to get this on a good track.
mrwigand Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Thanks for the responses. So she came over last night, started out tense at first. I started using tinder once I found out she had in an effort to move on, while I was making us dinner she asks " are you still on tinder?" I say "I think we shouldn't talk about this kind of stuff". She goes on it saying "she is trying to find me", I say if she is using that app while I'm making her dinner it would be best if she left. She shows me she limited it to a km away. She told me that she saw it before but deleted it cause "I made her feel bad". We have dinner and put on a movie, it was exactly as it was before. She was cuddled up to me and we shared wine. Eventually she come on to me and that part you all know. We sit on the couch talking for a bit. She says "things like tonight is all I ever wanted when we were together", I said "I'm sorry I didn't try to change or get it together sooner". We talk about doing things in the future together and stuff like that. She slept over, we were like it used to be. I got up in the morning, got ready, made us coffee and we made small talk about snowboarding, lol. She said thanks for having me over, it was a really good night together. She left, called me on her drive home wishing me a fun weekend. Now here I am on a snowboard trip not knowing a what a good next move is. Please give me some direction to get this on a good track. Ugh, this just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak here. A slow, death by a thousand cuts type heartbreak. Obviously, you want this to be more (and more clearly defined), but you're accepting this skim milk relationship because you're afraid of having anything, which is a feeling I think a lot of people can relate to. That being said you need to tell her exactly what you want (to get back together for real. And you need to tell her if she's not sure what she wants that's find, but that you can't keep doing what you're doing. Wish her the best, and sever communication with her.
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Ask her on another date. I suspect she wanted more romance when you were together & bolted in part because she wasn't getting it. If you are not willing to give her the romance, you may have a chance at fixing this.
Author deltaecho841 Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 I did, she said that she had plans. I said "maybe some other time then" The she called at 620 this morning, missed her call. Told her I was sleeping, then this morning I just got a text that said "call me". I did after I left the gym, but no answer. Guess I'll see what today brings
Author deltaecho841 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 sorry for the field reports. We spoke, she asked me about me being on tinder and going on dates. She told me one of my friends tried to chat her up. I told her that if these conversations continue Im not interested in talking anymore. She apologized and said that "she just wanted to hurt me", I said "well at least you are trying something". Then she asked me to hangout tomorrow night. Seriously! WTF? what the hell is going on?
Captivating Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Delta, You should always be classy, respectful with her but kind of stern at this point. No intimacy until you know the following. We don't know too much about the mistakes you made in the relationship, you barely mentioned something about it. When she comes over tomorrow night have a light conversation first while eating a dinner then if she brings up the subject of your relationship.... Ask her straight out " What do you want? " Tell her that you are willing to make changes for the two of you but need to know that she is still committed or not. It seems to me that she is excited and tempted to meet someone new. If she hasn't already done that. Let's face it, new is always exciting for a while. She needs to know that you are not going to play this hot-cold push-pull game. (put this in a classy way ) She also needs to feel that if she is actually moving on then you will too. If you expect her not to be on tinder and be committed to you, then you need to do the same. It's only fair. She needs to feel a slight cold shoulder by not jumping to bed with her tomorrow, since you don't know where you stand. Be a little prideful, keep "one step away" but nice. No fighting, talking ! Let us know how things went.
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